Chapter 29
Now
My cell rings and I see Ryan’s name displayed.
Panic rises from head to toe.
Tammy is getting worse, and I’ve already scheduled a leave from the hospital.
Each day I hate waking up, knowing it’s one less day she has left.
I take a deep breath and wait to hear that I’m too late and that she passed in the night.
“Ryan…”
“Hi, Jill.
She had a better night last night.
She’s asking for you.”
“Of course.
I’ll be right over.
Please tell Tammy I’m on my way.”
“I will.
There’s something she wants to ask you.”
“Oh? Well, give me about twenty minutes.
I’ll hurry. Goodbye.”
“Bye, Jill.”
I end the call and rush to get to Tammy, wondering what she wants to ask.
She knows I’ll do anything.
She knows I’ll help with the girls.
I am their godmother, and I’ll always be there when they need me.
Ryan’s standing on the porch when I pull in the drive.
He looks very concerned, and once again, I fear I missed her.
“How is she? Please don’t tell me…”
“No, Jill.
She’s in the living room waiting for you.”
I rush in and see her curled up on the couch sipping tea, wearing a pink, fuzzy robe with a pink terry cloth turban.
Her face gets paler each time I see her.
“I’m here, Tammy,”
I say, desperation ringing in my voice.
“Calm down, girl.
I’m not going anywhere…not yet anyway.”
How she stays so positive is beyond me.
I sometimes wonder, if once you know it’s your time to die, is it more acceptable? “Cancel all your plans this week.”
“You got it.”
I almost ask what she has planned but knowing her, the word dying will come flying out of her mouth.
“We will spend the week at my uncle’s beach house.”
“Yes, whatever you want.
Want me to start packing for you?”
“You can.
I don’t know how much I’ll need.
At least pick something out you can bury me in.”
And there it is.
Tammy’s it-is-what-it-is philosophy.
“Fine then.
I’m packing the skimpiest bikini you have.”
She laughs, and I don’t know how.
“Better grab one of the girl’s suits.
Unlike you, I stopped wearing bikinis after the girls were born.
Oh, and when they embalm me, make sure they give me one of those spray tans.”
“Alright, that’s enough of this talk,”
I say and run upstairs to pack her a bag.
I never asked if the girls and Ryan were coming.
So, I busy myself throwing in anything I think she will need and run back downstairs.
“Hey, are the girls and Ryan coming?”
“Yes, Ryan will bring them up Friday.
I want a few days alone with just us.”
She sounds severe and…I don’t like what she’s implying.
“Okay, like I said, whatever you want,”
I say, kissing her pale cheek.
It feels cold, and I want to wrap her in my arms, warming her failing body and never wanting her to leave me.
Ahh, this is going to be complicated.
Ryan kisses her on the lips and tells her he loves her and says he and the girls will be there soon.
“Let me know if I need to bring anything else up when we come.
You’re sure you want to do this?”
“Yes, it’s not like I’m going to get better.
This is as good as it gets,”
Tammy tells him, and I pad outside, leaving them alone to talk.
I put her bag in the car and wait as Ryan helps her out.
She’s brave and tough, smacking Ryan away and letting him know she can walk to the car alone.
Oh, Tammy.
What will I do without you?
She falls into the seat and demands, “Okay, Thelma, let’s hit the road.”
I giggle and start the car.
Ryan expresses his concerns through the open window as Tammy hits the close button, shutting his fingers in the window.
She bats her hands for him to leave.
“Now, Tammy, that wasn’t very nice of you,” I tease.
“Hey, I’m dying.
I don’t have to be nice.
Alright, if it makes you feel better.”
She rolls down the window.
“Ryan, get out and enjoy yourself tonight.
I’ll see you in a few days.”
They kiss again and he backs up, placing his hands on his hips this time when I put the car in reverse.
Shifting the gear into drive, she notices the ring on my finger.
“Holy Moly! Is that…?”
“Oh.
Don’t get excited.
I’m just trying it on for size before giving it back.”
“He asked you to marry him?”
She grabs my hand.
“Yes.
And said it’s mine, even if we never marry.
Said it’s the one I should have had years ago.”
“We’ve got a lot more to talk about.
Hope I get an extension from upstairs,”
she says with her hands in a prayer position.
I smile and shake my head.
We stop by my house, and I pack quickly and run out the door in record time.
If only it was just another girl trip…and not our last.
Her uncle’s cottage is five miles up Blue Star Highway, so we’re there in less than twenty minutes.
I tell her to go inside, and I’ll bring in our bags.
“I think I can carry one thing, Jill.”
“Fine, carry the wine.”
“Oh, thank you, God.
I was afraid you wouldn’t bring any.
And…do not tell Ryan.”
I make the button-my-lip suggestion and grab the bags.
I haven’t been here since the night of Michael’s birthday—the night he left and partied with girls on a houseboat.
I need these reminders, so I don’t do anything stupid and marry him again.
But for now, I’ll enjoy the ring.
Maybe I lose it in the lake.
Walking inside, I’m doubly reminded.
The window seat where I cried all night, waiting for him to come back.
The kitchen where I prepared a gourmet birthday dinner—that we never ate.
And now, I’m here with Tammy—her last summer here.
This will always be a place of bad memories for me.
“Oh, I feel better already,”
she says.
“Being cooped up in the house all day.
And Ryan on my ass every minute.”
“You know he can’t help it.”
“I know.
I’m grateful to have Ryan.
I was going to suggest you two get married after I’m gone.
But now that I’ve seen that ring.”
I pick up a pillow and throw it at her.
“Will you stop? I’m not marrying Michael, and I could never marry Ryan.
No offense, but it’d be like kissing my brother.”
“Would it help if you thought of Ryan as the hot step-brother? Those books are trendy.”
I pick up another pillow from the couch and toss it at her.
“No step-brother.
No brother’s friend.
Think I’ve had my share.
Now, stop this nonsense and let’s unpack and head down to the beach. Are you ready for some wine?”
“Some? I’m ready for the whole damn bottle.”
We toss our things in the bedroom and then change for the beach.
I make sure Tammy has plenty of sunblock and grab the beach umbrella, leaning against the fence as we walk down the sandy trail.
Once the umbrella is securely anchored in the sand, I unfold the beach chairs lying on the ground and pour her a glass of wine.
“Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you,”
she says.
After my glass is poured, I sit next to her and watch her enjoy this moment in time—with so little time left.
“It’s so amazing, isn’t it?”
she says, holding her glass out to the lake.
“Yes, it is.”
Sipping my wine, I wonder what is going through her mind.
“How are the girls doing?”
This does make her start to cry.
“I’m sorry.
I shouldn’t have brought it up.”
“No.
You should.
It needs to be discussed.
Casey’s mad at me.
Callie is in denial, and Hailee, I think, doesn’t quite understand. Casey thinks I’ve given up and I don’t want to be around.”
“Have you talked to her? I can if you want me to.”
“Yes, I have.
But I think it’s the only way she can cope.
And…maybe it’s better that way.
Anger is easier to deal with than sadness.
Especially loss.”
I search my stupid brain for any response.
“Tammy, I don’t know what to say or what you want me to say.
But I promise you I will always be there for the girls.”
“Oh, Jill.
I know you will.
And I’m sorry to have to put you in this situation.
It’s not fair.”
“None of it’s fair.
It pisses me off so fucking much and I…”
She starts to laugh.
“What? Why are you laughing?”
“Because you sound just like Casey.
She uses my dying as an excuse to swear.”
“Well…”
“I get it.
It makes you feel better.
It’s strange, isn’t it? How swearing out loud relieves tension.
Let’s yell at the top of our lungs, so loud they’ll hear us Wisconsin.”
“Sounds good to me,”
I say.
“I’ll start.
Fuck you, cancer! Why don’t you go find some piece of shit’s life to take?”
Tammy laughs as wine comes spraying from her mouth.
“That felt good.
Your turn.”
“Fuck you, cancer and the cancer cells you rode in on.”
She laughs and gulps a large portion of wine.
“Yeah,”
I yell.
“Fuck you, cancer-clopping horse.”
“Cancer-clopping horse,”
Tammy says, laughing hard from her belly.
“Oh, God.
This is good.
I haven’t felt this great since…well, since I got cancer.”
“Cancer’s going to be sorry someday.”
I stand and yell out over the lake.
“Just wait.
She’ll come back in another life and be the doctor who cures cancer.
She’ll look you in the face and know who you are.”
I pick up a handful of sand and throw it hard.
“Fuck you.
Your paths will cross in a lab someday, and you will go down.”
I fall to my knees and punch the sand.
Somewhere between the swearing and yelling, I begin crying uncontrollably.
“Jill…Jill.”
Tammy drops to her knees beside me and holds my shaking body.
“Tammy, I’m sorry.
It should be me holding you.”
“Yeah, well, whatever,”
she carelessly says.
She cleans my face and gives me a reassuring smile.
“A doctor? Thanks, but I plan on returning as Marilyn Monroe and watching the Kennedys squirm.
I’d be bored in the lab.”
“What…?”
I look at her incredulously, and we both laugh.
“Whew.
That was great.
I should have done that instead of chemo,”
she says, pulling my arm and directing us back to our chairs.
“I think we’re going to need more wine.”
I sit back in my chair and look at her.
“You’re unbelievable, you know that?”
“I know,”
she says and toasts my glass.
“Okay, no more talking about me.
I’m dying, blah, blah, blah—you’ll help Ryan with the girls.
The end is near, so there’s nothing left. You,”
she stresses, “have plenty of time and I want to know what you’re going to do with it.”
“What am I going to do?”
“Spill it, Jill.
I’m dying, remember? Not much time left. Talk.”
“About what?”
“Where and when are you going to marry Michael?”
I choke on my wine.
“Ah…I’m not.”
She waves her glass to the ring on my finger, sparkling in the sun.
“I’m just wearing it for a while.
Soon I let him down and send him on his way crying.
Hopefully before the old Michael shows up.”
“I think you need to marry him here on this beach.
I’ll get it all arranged with my uncle before I die.”
“Tammy, are you listening to me?”
“No.
It has to be soon—before summer’s over.
Beach weddings on Lake Michigan don’t go over well in the winter.”
She continues planning my wedding with Michael as I laugh and drink more wine.
I love her.
The sun begins to set, and I run up to the cottage, grabbing another bottle of wine.
When I return to the beach, she tells me she wants to walk the coastline.
“Are you sure? You’re not too tired?”
“I’m always tired.
It’s probably the last time I get to do this. Come on.”
I refill our glasses, and we set out down the coast.
Not sure how far we’ll get.
My arm wraps around her for support, and we giggle when passing other walkers and lovers who have come to watch the sunset.
I’m sure they consider us a couple, and Tammy doesn’t help when she loudly talks about our wedding—the wedding she’s planning for Michael and me.
“There it goes,”
she says.
We stop and watch as the sun slowly sinks into the lake.
A tear runs down my cheek.
It’s an end to another day, and one less day I’ll ever have with her.
. . . . .
Adding morphine to her drip, I hear Ryan and the girls enter the cottage.
Tammy did her best not to have any the last two days.
She wanted to be alert.
But eventually, the pain became too much.
She says only to give her half, and so I do. Her IV is portable, and she hates for the girls to see her wearing it. I tell her it can’t be helped.
“Hey, my pretty girls,”
she says when all three come to hug her on the couch.
Casey shows some reserve, allowing her younger siblings to hug their mom first.
“Hi, Casey.
Come here and give me a hug.”
The moment is emotional and my eyes well up.
Casey sits next to her mother and the two start to cry.
“Come on girls,”
I say to Callie and Hailee, “let’s put your stuff away and give your sister some time.”
With both girls wrapped on each arm, we climb the stairs to the room they’ll be staying in.
As they unpack, I take a seat on the bed and ask both girls to join me.
I struggle to get my words out.
“I want you to know that I will always be here for you.
I will never be able to take your mother’s place. But that doesn’t mean you can’t come to me for anything. Anything you can’t go to your dad about.”
“How much time does she have left?”
Callie says, tears in her eyes.
I wipe her face as they begin to fall.
“You know, let’s not focus on that and enjoy this time together with her.
She’s brave.
So, we need to be brave with her.
That is how she wants it to be. Okay?”
Hailee starts to cry and snuggles into my chest.
“I don’t want Mommy to die.”
I hold her tightly and smooth her hair.
“Oh, baby.
None of us do.
And…it’s okay to cry.”
Callie leans in, too, and I comfort both girls as we cry together.
Casey walks in.
I look up at her torn face.
“Mom doesn’t want us to cry,” she says.
“Jill said we could,”
Hallie tells her big sister.
Casey looks at me with daggers in her eyes.
She’s going to be the hard one.
I just hope she lets me in when the time comes.
“Okay girls, let’s have our cry and go down and have the best day we can have with your mom.
She’s been looking forward to you girls coming.”
The two younger girls wipe their faces and nod.
We get up to leave, and I tell them to go on so I can talk to Casey.
They leave, and I shut the door behind them.
“Casey, I know it’s hard, and it’s so unfair.
I know you’re angry…and it’s okay to be angry. I want you to know that I’m angry too. Last night, I yelled every curse word imaginable across the lake.”
She stands next to the bed, holding herself tightly.
I walk over and touch her shoulder.
“You want to curse with me tonight? I’m giving you a one-time pass.”
She presses her lips; her chin quivers, and she finally nods.
“If I start, I don’t know if I’ll be able to stop.”
“Duly noted,”
I say and kiss her on the forehead.
When I reach the bottom of the stairs, Ryan is sitting next to Tammy on the couch—both girls cover his lap.
Tammy looks up and smiles faintly.
Her eyes are becoming shallow, and her skin is gray.
The morphine doesn’t help her lethargic state.
“Come here,”
she says, holding out her hand.
I walk over and take her hand in mine.
“How’s she doing?”
Her eyes cast to the ceiling, noting upstairs.
“We’ve talked.
It’s rough.”
“I know,”
she says with a deep sigh.
“Hey, girls, let’s get our suits on and head down to the beach.
Jill’s given me my cocktail,”
she says, lifting her arm with the IV.
“So…I’m feeling pretty good about now.”
“Why don’t I take the girls down while you and Ryan get ready,”
I say, thinking they need some alone time.
“Thanks, Jill,”
Ryan says and prods the girls to move from his lap.
“Love you, girls,”
Tammy tells them as we go upstairs to change.
I take a deep breath and focus on how to even make this weekend…a joy.
But I will.
For Tammy’s sake, I will.