Chapter 30
Then
I was in my third year of nursing school, and Monica turned three.
Michael and I weren’t perfect, but I thought things might have improved.
He was becoming frustrated with his position at work and expressed wanting to move on.
Seattle was where he wanted to be, and I recalled the conversation when we were dating.
Suppose you would call it that. Sometimes, I felt Michael and I were doing better than expected. After our marriage, when we had known each other for only weeks, we were still together and raising a baby. More so, I was raising her. The tree house was built as promised, and now we had to watch her closely when we were outside. At two and a half, she scaled the ladder like a monkey.
Michael was no longer able to take Monica to the daycare Whirlpool provided because he had switched plants.
And somehow, I felt it was done purposefully—so he wouldn’t have to take her.
However, the change came with an ultimatum—he had to spend Wednesday nights alone with her so that I could join a study group.
I was on a fast track—hoping to graduate a year early and continued my studies through the summer.
I was well beyond the need for a break. And needless to say, Michael still wasn’t much of a help when it came to duties around the house. I looked forward to Wednesday.
My study group was meeting off campus, and I let Michael know the coffee shop where we intended to meet.
Dinner was in the crockpot, and Monica was now well potty-trained.
He had no excuses—I burned the oil at both ends, and my duties as wife and mother were above and beyond.
Though, I got little praise for it.
I kissed Michael goodbye on the cheek and told him Monica was down for a nap.
“Don’t let her sleep too long.
She’ll be up all night,”
I told him as I gathered my books.
“And…oh, please place the dishes in the dishwasher and not in the sink.”
He was removing his tie, looking over some reports he brought home from work.
“Did you hear me?”
He looked up. “What?”
“Don’t let her sleep much longer and put the dishes in the dishwasher.
I’ll be home around 8:00.”
“Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I heard you, Jill.”
As I walked out the door, I breathed fresh air.
“Ah…adult night,”
I mumbled, even if it was just to study.
Walking into the coffee shop, I didn’t see Tammy or the other two girls in our study group.
But I did see the new student—Drake Daniels.
He was a transfer student from Michigan State and had recently joined our study group.
“Hey, where’s everyone at?”
I asked, joining him at the table.
“I don’t know.”
He looked at his watch.
“Shall we wait a few minutes?”
“Yeah.”
“I’ll grab us some coffee,”
he said, touching my arm as he passed by.
Drake was good looking and single and was studying to be an anesthesiologist.
There was no doubt that I was attracted to him.
But it wasn’t just his looks.
He was kind and attentive to me. But then again, so was Michael back in the day. He would ask how Monica was and commented on me being a mother and student. He made me feel…noticed.
“Here you go. On me,”
Drake said, setting the coffee down and sliding into the booth across from me.
“Well, it looks like everyone else is a no-show.”
“Yes, it looks that way,”
I said, eager to see that it was only us.
I convinced myself there was nothing wrong with us being together and alone at a coffee shop.
It wasn’t something we had planned, and we expected others to attend.
I pulled out my books and waited for him to do the same.
Drake smiled sweetly at me, and I had to ask what he was thinking.
“What’s up?”
“If no one else shows up, let’s go to my place to study.”
I grabbed my cup, took a quick sip, and burned my tongue. “Ah…”
“You okay?”
“Yes, I just burned my tongue.”
“So, what do you say we take this party to my place? It’s just across town.”
As much as I wanted to, I knew I couldn’t.
What if Michael came looking for me? Yeah, right.
But it was more than that.
I knew Drake was attracted to me, but worse, I was attracted to him.
I looked for any reason to accept his offer. I thought of the times I knew Michael was probably seeing other women. Only, I couldn’t prove it and didn’t want to give in on assumptions.
“I better not.
My husband knows I’m here, and if something happens to Monica, he knows where to get a hold of me.”
He reached out and touched my hand.
I felt the electricity run through me.
It felt good and dangerous at the same time and I knew I was dealing with fire.
The temptation was too strong, and I fought the urge to take his hand.
“Okay, I understand,”
he said and continued to stroke the top of my hand.
I didn’t move it and savored his simple display of affection.
It had been years since Michael showed any attention toward me.
Those times usually came after a fight, and he would leave.
Only to return when I had made the decision to leave him and take me to bed.
I looked up and saw the begging in his eyes.
It was hard to look away, and hard to say no.
I was about to pull my hand away when he took mine in his, pulling it into his mouth.
As he kissed the top of my hand, he looked at me through his lashes.
My chest heaved with excitement, arousal. What should I do? I didn’t want to be attracted to him, but I was. Would I be this way if Michael were different? More loving with me? I couldn’t decide and panted through my slightly parted lips.
“We really should get some studying done,”
I said, pulling away.
Drake smiled with a sweetness that only intensified my urge to reach across the table and kiss him.
“I understand, Jill.
But I want you to know, I’m here…in any way you need me.”
Had Tammy been talking to him? No, she wouldn’t.
Would she?
I pressed my lips with a smile and nodded.
It wasn’t a yes, but it wasn’t a no, either.
I pulled out my books and opened them to the chapter I had marked.
As we studied, I became more comfortable being with Drake.
But could I trust myself to be alone with him?
He made me feel wanted, desired, worthy and we laughed easily.
I didn’t feel as if I had to try to get him to enjoy being with me.
He just did.
Then I thought of Michael.
Was this how he behaved at work? Did he display sweet sentiments to other women, making them feel special? I didn’t want to make the same mistake I had with Michael. But at the same time, I enjoyed what he was giving me. Special or not.
The time passed, and I panicked while gathering my books.
Drake stood and helped me with my sweater.
It was nice, again, one of those things Michael would never do.
As we left the coffee shop, he took my hand in his…and I let him.
It was risky, and anyone could have seen us. The feeling of his hand in mine was too beautiful to let go. He walked me to my car, and before I got in, he kissed me. It was unexpected, and my actions told him I wanted it. He pulled me close, and I wrapped my arms around his neck. I loved the way his hands smoothed down my back and squeezed me into him. I was dizzy, and my body felt like I was floating away. It was hard to return to reality, and I forced myself to break the kiss.
“I…I need to go.
It’s already late,”
I stammered.
“Jill, I’m sorry.
I didn’t mean to upset you.”
“It’s not that.
I…I’m married, Drake.”
He knew that and kissed me anyway.
“I have to go. Goodbye,”
I said and struggled with the key in the ignition.
He placed his palm on the window, and before I pulled away, I pressed mine over his from the other side.
I then gave a weak wave and drove away.
I was still shaking when I walked in the front door.
Michael was watching TV, and I was sure he could see the guilt written all over my face once he looked at me.
“Monica in bed?”
I asked but knew she was.
“Yep.”
His answer was short, and I knew that meant he was angry because I was late.
An hour late.
Was he going to say anything? “Was she good?”
I needed to know his demeanor.
“Yeah, she was pretty good.”
I took a breath.
He sounded normal and not ticked off.
“Was the crockpot lasagna okay?”
“Yeah.
There’s some left.
I didn’t put it away.”
Of course, he didn’t, but I was relieved he wasn’t suspicious or upset that I was late.
“Thanks for putting the dishes in the dishwasher.”
I was looking for reasons to praise him.
Though, to clean up after yourself after someone prepares your dinner should be a given.
“No problem,”
he said and then looked at the clock.
“Ah…sorry I’m late.
The time just got away from us.”
As I walked past him, he looked up, and the panic on my face was palpable.
I felt my face begin to scrunch up and before I knew it, I was crying.
“Jill? What’s wrong?”
“Michael…something bad happened tonight.
I’m so sorry.”
“Did you wreck the car?”
He stood up and went to the door.
“No, Michael.
It was me.
I did something…something I shouldn’t have.”
He turned around and furrowed his brows.
“Okay, what?”
I looked at him, and even though this man deserved nothing but a kick in the groin most of the time, I felt guilty.
There was panic and concern on his face.
This I had never seen from him, and it elevated my guilt.
“I kissed someone.
I kissed another man tonight.”
He stood there with his hands on his hips and looked at me incredulously.
What was going through his mind? Anger? Jealousy? I couldn’t stand it and kept apologizing.
“I’m so sorry.
I didn’t mean for it to happen.
It will never happen again. I promise.”
I looked for ways to punish myself.
“I’ll quit the study group.
I’ll only study here, and you won’t have to watch Monica.”
He continued to stare at me.
“God, say something, Michael.”
“Is that all?”
I wasn’t sure of the meaning behind his question.
Is that all, and did he not care? Or was that all that happened? Did he think no one would find me attractive?
“Answer me,”
he seethed.
His anger began to show, and no doubt he wanted more details.
“No, that was all.
We studied and when he walked me to the car…we kissed.
That’s all, Michael.
I promise.
I came straight home. Please forgive me.”
His shoulders lifted on a heavy sigh, and he ran his hands through his hair.
He stretched his neck, and I watched his jaw twitch.
He was angry, and I wanted to defend myself and tell him this is how it feels.
But I had no proof of his infidelity, and I had just confessed to kissing another man.
And on some level, the fact he was angry about it gave me an ounce of satisfaction.
“Who?”
he asked behind clenched teeth.
I hadn’t anticipated this part—he should only be mad at me.
I didn’t want to get Drake into any trouble.
“It doesn’t matter, Michael.
He’s just some guy in our group.”
Drake was more than that, and I felt terrible reducing him to a cliché.
“I won’t be seeing him anymore anyway.”
He picked up one of Monica’s stuffed animals on the floor and threw it across the room.
I was surprised he didn’t throw it at me.
“Please say you’ll forgive me,”
I pleaded.
“Just leave me alone for now,”
he said, and I waited for more.
He looked at me with hate in his eyes and walked outside.
Was he leaving me? I walked over and slowly opened the front door.
He was sitting on the front step.
“Michael, if it’s any consolation, it made me see how much I love you and fear losing you.”
“Just let me be for now.”
“Okay, I’m going to shower,”
I said, slowly closing the door.
I was in the shower, feeling both relieved and scared.
I had no idea what Michael would do, and now I feared he would use this as an excuse to sleep around…or leave us.
What had I done?
The shower door opened and Michael stepped in…naked.
“Michael,”
I quivered.
He didn’t say anything at first, and his eyes had a strange look in them.
I couldn’t place it.
He took my hands and placed them above my head, against the shower wall.
“What are you doing?”
I didn’t know whether to be scared or…turned on.
We hadn’t been in the shower together since dating.
“Don’t be afraid, Jill.
I’m not going to hurt you.”
Not sure what was happening, I did feel as if I could trust him.
He hadn’t touched me in that way since our wedding night.
And when he pulled my hair.
“But I am going to fuck you—hard.
I’m pissed, but not at you.”
His face was inches from mine, and as I stared into his eyes, I could still see his chest rise and fall from his heavy breathing.
“You make me feel so many things that I can’t explain it.”
I didn’t understand.
And how could he explain it to me if he didn’t understand himself?
He let go of my wrist and picked me up.
My legs wrapped around his waist and he entered me like he said.
Hard. “Ah,”
I cried out and his mouth covered mine.
I felt fear in his kiss.
I felt him trembling, and he kissed me like he never had before; wild and crazy, and passionate.
For the first time in this crazy moment, I felt the love he had for me and knew I had done the right thing in being honest.
“You’re my wife, Jill,”
he said with heavy breaths.
“I may not be a good husband, but you are my wife.”
“Yes…I know.”
My words were strained through the excitement.
Was he now claiming his ownership of me?
“Promise me there isn’t any more.
Promise me you won’t be sneaking around and fucking this guy,”
he said as he pushed in and out of me.
“I promise.”
Each time he slammed into me, my tailbone banged against the shower wall, and when I cried out, he cupped his hands around my bottom and turned me around.
“Is that better?” he asked.
“Yes,”
I breathed out.
Michale grabbed my hips and guided me up and down on his erection.
My arms anchored around his neck, and I held on tightly as the water poured over us, and our bodies became slick.
I loved him so much right at that moment.
He had never been this demanding or passionate, and I knew it was the fear of losing me. He could say all he wanted, but his actions told me differently. He loved me. He couldn’t say it, but I knew he did.
As he said my name and made me promise it would never happen again, I felt the wave of an incredible orgasm growing inside me.
I screamed out his name, and he moaned, “Yes. Yes,”
over and over.
He was coming too, hard and there was no denying how much he desired me at that moment.
Michael held me, and we kissed like we would never see each other again.
The lovemaking was intense, and through the tremors of coming down, I found myself crying.
Michael held me close, and I never wanted to leave his arms.
I felt his hand smooth over my back and I kept my head in the crook of his neck.
I felt his pulse beat heavy in his jugular. The storm had passed, and in its wake, we had each other. Life for us would be different, and our journey together would be full of love and appreciation. I had finally won a place in Michael’s heart. But winners don’t always stay on top, and to stay the course, means sacrificing a little of yourself every day.
. . . . .
I was making dinner when Michael walked through the door.
It was Wednesday, and a week had passed since our shower incident and my kiss with Drake.
I was surprised to see him home this early.
In fact, every day he’d been home early.
Maybe by letting him know another man could be interested in me made him stop and think about what he had. He had also been a tad more attentive with me.
“Aren’t you going to your study group tonight?”
he asked, looking surprised.
“No, Michael.
I promised you I wouldn’t go anymore since…”
I didn’t finish.
“It’s okay if you want to go.
You told me, and I trust you.”
“Really? You don’t have a problem with me being around…”
I stopped before I said his name.
He picked Monica up and gave her a kiss on her head.
“Daddy can handle Mommy being gone for a few hours,”
he said in his baby talk to her.
She laughed when he pretended to bite her fingers.
“Well…I just started dinner.
I didn’t plan ahead, because I didn’t plan on going tonight.”
“I can finish it,”
he said, and I was suspicious of his intent.
Had he done a one-eighty?
“Are you sure?”
“Yes.
You want to graduate early, right?”
“Yes.”
“Then go.
I got Monica and dinner.”
“Alright,”
I said, gathering my books and kissing Monica and Michael before leaving.
Tammy was surprised to see me when I walked in—and so was Drake.
I told Tammy about the kiss, and she said she wasn’t surprised.
“Hey, guys.
Sorry, I’m late.
I decided to come at the last moment.”
“Well, we’re going over organs and the systems they make up.”
I pulled out my anatomy book and flipped the pages to catch up.
Drake gave me a sweet smile and I hoped the night wouldn’t be awkward for us.
We were twenty minutes into our studies when the door chimed above, and I looked up.
Michael was walking in, pushing Monica in her stroller.
What the hell? I was surprised he even knew how to unfold it.
“Michael? Is something wrong with Monica?”
“No, I just thought I would take her for a walk,”
he said and looked straight at Drake, who was the only guy at the table.
He had his target.
“Oh, well, you want to pull a chair up?”
“No, I’ll just sit at the table across.
Come on, Monica, let’s get us a muffin,”
he said, taking her out of the stroller.
“Yeah,”
she squealed with excitement and ran to the counter.
Tammy then looked at me, and there was a smirk on her face.
Drake’s face was white.
I was a jumble of nerves.
One—Michael never took his daughter for walks. Two—he was only here to claim me in front of Drake. I liked it…and sort of didn’t.
We went back to our studies, and Michael sat across from us helping Monica with her muffin.
He then leaned back in the chair, arms folded and stared at Drake with a wicked grin.
There was no doubt Drake or I couldn’t concentrate on any of the studying.
Michael knew what he was doing, and he was doing it well.
We would only last another thirty minutes when Tammy said we should call it quits for the night.
I was thankful—as was Drake.
As we gathered our books, Michael stood and walked casually over and placed his hands down on the table.
His face was inches from Drake’s and said, “You ever come near my wife again, I will kill you.
You understand?”
“Michael! Stop it,” I hissed.
He turned to me, and the look in his eyes was cold.
“I’m defending what’s mine,”
he said.
My heart jumped, and I was scared and turned on at the same time.
And…embarrassed.
“Yes, Michael, I get it.
But not here.”
“Especially here,”
he said and kissed me hard in front of the group.
It pissed me off, but part of me liked his claim on me.
Everyone scurried around the table, gathering their books, and quickly walked out.
I looked up to Michael and peered into his eyes.
“I think I took care of him,”
he said, and I couldn’t help but smirk.
“I guess you did.
Now, grab your daughter and clean the icing off her face and hands.”
He winked, and I felt I had the Michael who was trying back with me.
But how long would I have him?