Chapter 33
Now
Here’s the thing about attics.
Time stays still.
Our secrets, our past, stuffed away, waiting for us to return and rediscover them.
An attic is like a time capsule.
Old things are stored away because we don’t want them around us, yet we dare to throw them out. Why is it that when we put something in the attic, we’re relieved to find a spot for it? But when we see it again, we feel sad.
It’s been three days since Tammy’s funeral, and I’ve taken some time off work.
Ryan and the girls seem to be coping much better than me.
Walking into the attic at my childhood home, I somehow expected Tammy to be waiting for me.
And maybe she is here—in the attic of our childhood home.
Everything’s the same. Nothing has changed. Time has only added dust and cobwebs. Tiger Beat posters, faded and frail, still hang on the walls. The blanket hung from the rafters, used as our backstage when Tammy and I performed as Tiffany, Paula Abdul, or Madonna.
I touch the blanket and move it to the side, pretending she’s behind it and waiting for us to talk and laugh about growing up in this room.
She’s here.
I can feel it.
My heart aches and feels comfort at the same time, if that’s possible.
Maybe that’s why we put things up here.
It’s things that attach us to a specific time or particular person.
This attic only has one time and one person for me. Tammy.
Looking around, I see a box in the corner and recognize my favorite macramé purse I used to carry in junior high.
God, I loved that purse.
I grab the wooden rings that make up the handles and peek inside—another time capsule.
I pull out an old bottle of perfume—Sand and Sable.
Oh, my God. This was Tammy’s and my favorite perfume.
I open the cap and spritz some on my wrist and inhale.
Memories come to life as my nose connects time with smells.
The Christmas morning I pulled this from my stocking.
Tammy and I had it both on our list.
Everyone wanted to know what perfume we were wearing. But we would never tell them. It was our signature scent.
The first time we were dropped off at the mall and allowed to go alone.
Oh, we felt so grown up, carrying our purses, this macramé one, wearing heels with jeans.
My favorite pair were three-inch heel Candies.
I loved those shoes.
I wonder if they’re still here somewhere?
I dig through the box and find an old, school pencil box.
The kind we used to have in elementary that held our crayons, glue, pencils, and lift the lid.
Inside, I find a photo strip of Tammy and me, taken at one of those photo booths.
God, I remember this day like it was just yesterday.
We slid two quarters in the slot and closed the curtain. The first shot we didn’t know was being taken, because we’re looking around. The second, we looked surprised. The third, we smiled, and the last, we were goofy with our tongues hanging out.
Digging through my pencil box, I find several notes folded into triangle football shapes.
Wow, how I miss writing letters.
Now, with texting, how will we ever go back to the attic and find the words that were so dear to us that we had to save them? I unfold one and feel my lips press into a smile.
Tears begin to fill my eyes as I try to read.
Jill,
After the football game, let’s say we are staying to clean the stadium.
I heard Ryan will be at Pizza Hut tonight.
That will give us an extra hour to stay out past curfew.
Love, Tammy
I open another folded note.
Jill,
Did you hear about Kim? They caught her and some other girls smoking in the bathroom.
I mean, how crazy is that? You can’t hide the smell.
You’ve probably already heard, but study hall is boring today.
Ryan isn’t here for me to stare at and all my homework is done.
Mr. Snyder looks hot in jeans. I love seeing him in jeans. I wish teachers could wear jeans every day and not just on Fridays. Let’s hang out at Delanie’s after school.
Love, Tammy
Jill,
Is something wrong? Are you mad at me? Sorry, I didn’t come over last night.
My dad took away my phone privileges for a week, and that’s why I didn’t call you.
You seemed bothered by something in the first period.
I just want to make sure you’re not mad at me about not calling.
Remember, you are my best friend forever.
Love, Tammy
I sniff and wipe the snot and tears dripping down my face.
It’s like Tammy is still here, tucked away in this attic.
Another time capsule waiting to be opened.
Though my heart is breaking, I unfold another note.
After I read it, I look around the attic. It’s her handwriting, but I don’t remember this note or why she would have written this. It’s a poem. “A Light in The Attic.”
There’s a light in the attic.
Though the house is dark and shuttered,
I can see a flickering flutter.
And I know what it’s about.
There’s a light in the attic.
I can see it from outside.
And I know you’re on the inside…looking out.
Is it possible she wrote this and hid it away, knowing I would find it? Her mention of this attic and that’s what Heaven will be like.
Is this attic her Heaven? Though I know it’s not possible, I see her sitting on an old chest, smiling fiendishly at me.
And…she’s dressed as Marilyn Monroe.
“Well, are you going to say anything?”
I hear her say in my head.
Taking a cleansing breath, I begin talking like she’s here.
“You knew I would come, didn’t you?”
She looks at her nails and then blows on them like they’re wet with polish.
“Yup.
But do me a favor.
Don’t spend too much time up here.
Remember, I’m always with you. Please don’t store me away in this attic. How’s the wedding coming?”
Now, why would she say that? I huff a small laugh.
“So, how are the Kennedys?”
“Guess what.
No Kennedys,”
she whispers.
I chuckle.
“Maybe you’re in the wrong place.”
“Ouch.
Seriously, Jill—Wedding.”
And then, she disappears.
I fall to my knees and bawl.
I’m still crying when I hear the attic door open.
I know it’s Mom and she’s checking on me.
“I’ll be down later.
I…I just want to…be alone and cry.”
“Hello, Jill.”
It’s Michael.
I look up and see the sad expression on his face.
“It’s sort of hot up here.
Why don’t you come down and get some air?”
“Michael, I don’t want to leave this place.
I…I feel close to her here.”
He walks over and bends down.
“I understand, Jill.
But seriously, it’s too hot to be up here.”
He smooths my cheeks and wipes my tears and then runs his hands through my hair, lifting the back to get some air.
“You probably don’t even know you’re sweating.
You’ll become dehydrated.”
He moves closer and kisses my forehead.
“I know it hurts, Baby.”
Baby?
Nothing feels real.
Monica’s a married woman.
Tammy is dead.
And Michael is back.
It’s too much to take all at once. I just wish my thoughts could go back to the way it once was—simple.
“You know, it was her that got me through when you left.”
“And now I’m here to help you get through this.
You’re not alone, Jill.
You have so many people who love you.
Tammy was just one of them.”
I give him a distasteful look.
Just the way he said it like she was a dime a dozen.
“She was special, Michael.
We’ve been together since we were four.
I don’t know what life will be like with her gone. I know life went on after you. She taught me that.”
“I’m here now, Jill.
And as long as I’m alive, I will never leave you,”
he says, holding my face.
I begin to feel the hot, sticky heat and see the beads of sweat on his upper lip.
“You know, I spent years hating you, wishing you still loved me.
And the problem was, I never knew if you ever did.
You never said it.”
“I love you, Jill.
Do you hear me? I love you.”
I want to believe him.
I do.
And it’s those three little words I’ve waited to hear my whole life from him.
But my heart refuses to accept him.
What I have learned about love is, it messes with your head and plays tricks on you.
I look into his pleading and sorrowful eyes.
If the eyes are the window to the soul, then he is genuinely hurting.
But why? Why has this…a once wild and untamable man suddenly become…appropriate and…responsive to my needs?
“Why does it take a loss to make you realize what you had? This is one of life’s injustices,”
I say.
“I just thought she’d always be here.”
“We all think we’re immortal.”
He starts to say something, then hesitates.
“Until something happens.
And all we can think is what we didn’t do and what we should have.”
Is he talking about himself? “You have nothing to feel guilty about, Jill.
You were a best friend for her.
Never left her side…right up to the end.
How many people can say that?”
“When you left, Michael, I knew it was probably for the best.
But still, it was like my heart forgot to work.
I had to learn to breathe again.
And it was Tammy that told me I just had to learn to think differently.
I had to wash the Michael off me, she used to say. I don’t want to wash Tammy off me, so I can go on.”
“Come on, Jill.
Let’s go talk somewhere else.
It’s way too hot up here.”
He picks me up from the floor and carries me across the attic.
Cradled in his arms, I feel the wetness of his chest on my face through his shirt.
When he reaches the ladder, he sets me to my feet, and I climb down.
Once he’s down, his arm wraps my shoulders, and he leads me outside, and we walk across the street to a park shaded with large trees.
The breeze coming off the lake feels good, and I realize now how hot the attic was.
We sit under a large oak, and I lean my head on his shoulder.
The sun reflects off the engagement ring he gave me a few days ago.
Tammy’s words from the attic echo once again in my head.
Or…were they my own words? “How’s the wedding coming?”
He must notice me looking at the ring and holds my hand, running a finger over the ring.
“You’re still wearing my ring.
Is that a yes?”
“Michael…”
“Yes?”
“Tammy wanted me to marry you.
Even now, I hear her saying it.”
His finger touches my chin, and he moves me to look at him.
Those pleading eyes.
“But, what does Jill want?”
Silence.
“I…I’m just afraid.”
“Afraid of me, of marriage, of…”
“Of the unknown.
To be optimistic.
It’s like I’m always hanging onto that scrap of hope.
And there are always two sides—reality versus possibility.
I just wish that for once, possibility would win.”
He kisses me tenderly on the lips.
A quiet gesture that this is possible.
Him and I.
I study him—really take in his face and still see the man I fell in love with twenty years ago—the young Michael.
And maybe that’s what scares me—the young Michael. In this short time, we’ve been together, it’s like I don’t see the old Michael. Like a lifelong marriage would be. You look at the older version and still see the young version.
“Please, marry me, Jill, and let all your possibilities become your reality.
We can’t rewrite the past, but we can write the future.
Our future.”
. . . . .
The water is like glass—smooth and clear.
I feel everything has stopped for this moment.
The sun shines high in the sky, the breeze wraps me with a warm hug, and I can smell the sweet scent from the bouquet of flowers I’m holding.
They’re all looking at me.
Monica, Jordan, Mom, and Dad. Ryan and the girls have smiles on their faces. It’s good to see them happy. I’m happy. The sand on my bare feet feels soft and powdery. My veil whips around, and through the mesh, I see his face. “He has tears in his eyes, Tammy. Just like I always dreamed of,”
I whisper.
‘See, I told ya.”
I see her sitting on the back of a chair, her feet on the seat, still disguised as Marilyn Monroe.
Her smile, with those powder-pink lips refills the much-needed joy in my heart.
She winks at me as I pass by, and I reach out and touch her open hand.
I know she’s here just for me; no one else sees her.
I’m that bride.
That beautiful bride and he’s looking at me with such longing in his eyes.
I’ve never seen him look so handsome.
As I walk to him on this beach, the beach Tammy spent her last day on, watching the sunset, I fill with such overwhelming emotions.
Ends and beginnings. Rights and wrongs. Love and pain. But most of all…happiness. Happiness, because I know she is here, and she is happy.
I take Michael’s hands and still, he gets down on one knee and kisses my knuckles.
My ring glistens from the sun and shines in his eyes as he looks up at me.
“Jill, I used to think about the lucky man who got to have you as his wife.
The man who got to see your beautiful smile each day when he woke up.
The warm kisses on his face when he was sleeping.
The beautiful soul he got to be around every day and wonder if he knew what he had.
Today, I am that man, and I know the gift I have been given. You.”