20. Haelyn
TWENTY
HAELYN
“Slow down.” Merielle held up her palm, dragging herself to the edge of the seat at Old Town, ten minutes after I burst inside with muscles quivering and a pounding heart. “What did he ask again?”
I ground my teeth and with a straining breath so loud that it covered the background mutters, I straightened my back and propped my elbows on the rough margins of the ebony table.
Given the lightning speed, the words trailed off my mouth, Merielle was blameless for not keeping up or fully comprehending what I said. Yet annoyance spiraled from the pit of my stomach, and frustration bubbled on my face.
When I left Mr. Graves in his luxurious car, I was confident that was the angriest I would get, but when I sat down at this very table, rage swelled in my guts as I recited to my friends what happened. Mr. Graves managed to break the record of my anger intensity to a whole new level.
Repeating it only added to that.
Three pairs of curious eyes had all of their attention on me, none of them shaming away for staring so bluntly.
I was furious. At him for breaching my boundaries and at me for checking him out even as I was cascading my anger on him.
Why did he have to look so hot? To smell so good and have the attitude of a dick?
Goddamn it. I was a lost cause.
The only difference between him and I was that he let his thoughts speak for himself and I kept my mouth shut.
I tapped my foot on the ground, chewing on the strawberry gum I’d had between my teeth for the past few hours. “He asked, and I quote, ‘if I tend to not eat?’”
Saying the words out loud once again made me regret I didn’t slap his pretty face and chose to slam his car’s door instead. I didn’t even know why I got so worked up, but controlling myself in this moment seemed impossible.
How dare he ask something so personal when the only moment he truly noticed me was when I had something to offer?
Merielle flopped back in her seat with her arms crossed over her chest and chin buried in her neck, side-eyeing the boys while her head remained pointed at me. They all exchanged looks, something passing between them that left me out of the discussion.
“What?!” I snapped, patience running through my veins like a hot liquid that was about to tear my skin apart.
They all kept quiet, their lips parting, but their throats swallowing back every thought from being spoken. I furrowed my brows, moving the empty glass in circles on the wood as I waited for them to say something. Anything.
It was clear they all knew something I didn’t.
“Another mojito, gorgeous?” Eric appeared from behind me, wearing his black apron with a full glass in his hands. “Oh—Uh,” he muttered after a few seconds. “What’s wrong?”
My mouth twitched as the attention on me multiplied and I treated Eric with my profile. I was really in no mood for his usual flirting. While most of the time I found it amusing, right now the only interest I had was getting rid of the lock in my throat.
“Nothing,” I said, my nail anchored in the table.
He was silent when he leaned down, placing the glass next to my hand. I immediately slid it to Merielle, giving her a look even though she did nothing wrong. Unfortunately for her, I had to redirect my anger to someone.
“Okay… I’ll leave you all to it,” he mumbled under his breath before whirling on his heels and stopping at a group of people next to us to see if they needed something else.
I swept my eyes to him, guilt settling in my guts. He had nothing to do with this, and Eric was a nice guy so I opened my mouth to apologize, but Christian talked before I could.
“You barely eat anything, Haelyn.” He was the first to break the ice on what they previously agreed.
My head snapped to him. Christian offered me a soft smile, his features dimming into a look of compassion and as much as I liked to return that, I couldn’t. Instead, my mouth hung open and my eyes lowered to the floor.
“It’s true.” David nodded in approval.
“Look, Hae.” Merielle was the last to talk. “I love you from the depths of my heart, and even if your boss went over the limit, he wasn’t wrong, you know. You always had a problem with eating, but lately, it’s getting worse and I’m afraid it’s affecting your health. It seemed personal and you’re not really the type to open up about your past, so that’s why I didn’t ask any questions.” Her hand traveled to mine over the table, soft fingers caressing the bridge of my palm. “You can’t go on like this.”
From anger to an unsettling feeling of sadness, tears gathered in my eyes. I swallowed, not planning to let them slip on my cheeks. I dragged my hand from under hers, biting my cheek as I looked around.
My chin trembled, and I shielded my body, angling it away from my friends who witnessed my shame.
I thought they didn’t know. I thought I hid it well.
“Sleep over at my place. Let’s talk about this.”
My heart stuttered and there was this falling, spinning-down feeling that made the world seem to be moving in slow motion. I knew my problems like any person knew their own reflection and I learned to accept them, but the closest people I had watched me like a lost puppy because of it.
It was always like this for me. My family grew poor and the food we had was split; though, it should’ve been enough to feed four empty bellies, Dad ate extra all the time. Mom would give us her portion, but when she got so skinny she was barely able to walk on her legs, I started lying about getting food at school and how that was enough to fill my stomach.
I was only partially lying because Georgia, one of my classmates, would share her small meal with me. I’ve learned to not feel the loss of food and the sight of my little brother and mother eating was enough to dim the hunger. I didn’t need anything else. A half meal a day and some stolen fruit was sufficient.
When my mother and I left, we were short on money, so there wasn’t any difference with the amount of food we got, especially when she got sick. Since then, every paycheck I had went into her health care and a small part of it paid for my utilities and food.
Working at the Graves Company wasn’t meant to change my life, but my mother’s. I was rarely hungry anyway and when I tried to eat a proper meal, vomit rose into my throat.
So, what was the point in eating when I was going to feel sick seconds after the food passed my throat?
“Hae,” Merielle pushed, her soft tone barely hearable over the voices in the bar.
I got up to my feet, grabbing my purse as I patted my fingers under my eyes to dry the stubborn tears that escaped. “I’m fine.” I smiled. “I just realized how tired I am. I’ll see you guys tomorrow?” I asked, the stretch of my lips starting to quiver.
Because I was positive I was going to burst into tears at any second, I left without their reply. I strode between the tables, my vision getting blurry with only one destination—the exit.
I heard someone calling my name, but I ignored it and continued my path, pushing the doorknob down with force. When I stepped outside, my tears felt cold on my skin.
“Hae!” My friend’s voice grew closer. Before I could decide where to go, she appeared behind me, grasping my hand. “Talk to me,” she begged.
I didn’t look at her. I was too ashamed.
“I just need to be alone right now,” I said, blinking through my tears as I forced up a smile.
“Don’t shut down on me.” Her voice sounded like a painful plea, her own eyes filling up.
“I love you,” I said, kissing her cheek before I turned around with no destination.
With every step I took, I felt her eyes watching me, burning deeper and deeper. Merielle was my friend, I knew that. And I knew I shouldn’t push her away, but she couldn’t tell me anything I hadn’t told myself so many times.
I knew my body was going to give up at some point, I was just praying that when that happened, my mother was safe and well taken care of. She was the only one I had left in this world and even if I loved my friends so much—so so much—she was the only priority I had.
That didn’t mean I wanted to hurt them, it meant that nothing they’d said could cure me of a habit that had grown on me for years. I tried and I tried, for the sake of my mother, but I couldn’t do it.
Whether I liked it or not, I’d always seen food as my enemy and now it was hard to change that perception.
It was going to get better one day.
As I distanced myself from her, I heard David talk.
“Let her go,” he said.
“But she’s my best friend and she’s not doing well.” Merielle’s voice broke, and my heart along with it.
I hated to see her hurting. And I hated more to see her hurting because of me.
“I know. You are a great friend, really, but sometimes I wish you cared about us as much as you care about her.”
I quickened my pace, not wanting to hear the rest.
He was right. Merielle and him barely got time for each other with me around. I didn’t want them to fight because of me. They loved each other and the last thing I wanted was to be between them.
With tears still rushing down my cheeks, I opened the app and texted Chad.
Me
can I call you? I could really use someone right now.
His reply came right away.
Chad Bitt
Are you okay?
Me
yes
actually no, not really.
Chad Bitt
Do you want to talk about it?
Me
no. not talking about it is exactly what I need
if you don’t want to share your number, it’s fine.
A sigh fell past my lips. This dude really didn’t like me? I thought we had built up something, that we were getting to know each other and still, he hadn’t made a move on me.
Chad Bitt
No, it’s not that
+1203842934
I clicked on the number and while usually I’d be nervous—because this was taking our situationship forward—I didn’t hesitate to call. After a few rings, he picked up the phone.
“Hi.” My voice cracked.
“Are you crying?” It’s the first thing he asked. He was whispering, his voice thick and low, yet at the same time familiar.
I frowned, avoiding his question as I sniffled. “Is it a bad time now?”
“No. My sister is sleeping.”
“Oh.” I smiled. “How old is she?”
“Um… three.”
I nodded, continuing my path on a tight street. “I bet she’s an angel.”
“Yeah. Do you have brothers or sisters?”
My insides twisted as I gulped. “Not anymore.”
“What happened?” His voice broke a bit as if he hadn’t talked in a while. I glanced at the clock, it was almost midnight. Shoot, I should’ve thought twice before bothering him.
“Don’t you want to talk about something else? Boring and ordinary stuff maybe? Like how was your day for example?”
“No. I want to talk about what’s upsetting you. Why are you crying, Haelyn?” The way he said my name made my knees lose their balance.
“I had a rough day at work, had sort of a fight with my boss and when I told my friends about it, they said he was a total douchebag about it, but he was right. Nothing serious, really. An innocent drama.”
“If it wasn’t serious, you wouldn’t be crying right now. What did he do?”
I bit my bottom lip, not sure if I had what it took to say everything once again. “It’s good to hear your voice.” I changed the subject. “The way things were moving between us I thought maybe you were no longer interested.”
“What do you mean?”
I shrugged, even though he couldn’t see me. “You never suggested meeting up or exchanging numbers. You kind of ghost me all the time.” I took a deep breath. “Chad, you’re a really nice guy, but talking once a week through messages isn’t what I want.”
Silence.
A light illuminated the street I turned left on, my feet taking me closer to my house. It was like they had a GPS of their own.
“I’m sorry,” he finally said. “I’m out of town with work and I didn’t want to promise a date when I know how my job is.”
“So… that means we’re never going to see each other? This is what I’m settling for? Occasional messages and if it’s a good day, maybe sexting?”
“No, Haelyn. Of course not. This is not something I want, I promise. If I could, I’d drive to you right now, but my schedule is packed until February.”
My shoulder slumped. Stop being a goddamn bitch. “I’m sorry,” I murmured, touching my temples. “I shouldn’t lash out at you. You didn’t do anything wrong.”
He took a breath into the speaker. “No, you have every right to feel like this.”
I nodded, glancing down at my feet as they continued to take steps. I had no idea what else to say, but even the silence was comforting around him.
“Are you going to tell me what’s wrong?”
“Nothing. I—I just need someone. I know I’m not old and I have plenty of time to find the one, but I still want that. After the experience with my dad maybe I should’ve learned my lesson about soulmates, but I refuse to believe there’s no one on this earth who can make my world flip upside down. Someone who wakes up the butterflies in my stomach, someone who likes me for who I am, someone who’d be by my side for better or worse. I don’t give a flying fuck about looks, wealth, or stuff like that, I just want someone to love me. To show me another type of love than the one I grew up with.”
He was quiet for a few seconds and my heart reached to jump out of my chest.
“I’m sorry for my stupid rant.” I tried to laugh it off.
“No, I actually get what you’re saying,” he said. “Was your dad a bad father?”
I snorted. “If there would be a prize for the worst father in the world, he’d be the one to get it. Maybe that’s why I need that someone, you know? To show me that men aren’t just drunk and abusive pieces of shit.” I took a much-needed breath. “No offense.”
“None taken,” Chad added, then a few moments of comfortable silence passed between us again. “Haelyn?” When he spoke it reminded me that we were actually on a phone call.
“Mhm?”
“I wish I was that someone for you.”
I opened my mouth, somehow disappointed that what he said confirmed he wasn’t the one and he knew it too. “Yeah. Me too.”