16. Shiloh
Chapter 16
Shiloh
C az was struggling, but she seemed to like to suffer in silence. The last thing I wanted to do was pressure her to talk, but I also didn’t want her to feel alone after she unleashed something so heavy. I figured I would give her the option, but after I asked if she wanted me to stay or go, she sat there, unmoving.
“I’ll let you get to it.” I didn’t want her to feel guilty about telling me to leave.
“Please stay.” Her words were choked, and if I didn’t know any better, I would think she was crying.
“Are you sure?”
She wrapped her fingers around mine, and she was cold, but warmth shot through my core, and I wanted to hug her—to tell her it was okay to cry on my shoulder. But I patiently waited for her next move.
“Yes,” she whispered and removed her hand, but I missed the contact immediately.
She said nothing else as she opened the door. I turned off the car and followed suit. Once we got into the elevator, I could see the sheen from the wells in her eyes, but I didn’t point it out. We rode in silence to her floor and then went inside.
She turned on the lights and looked at me. “Would you like some wine?” she asked as if this were a friendly visit.
“No, thank you. Can I do anything?” Seeing this person, who I thought was so full of confidence, seem so lost right now was heartbreaking.
She stood there, shaking her head, but her eyes were blank and unfocused. I did the only thing I knew and wrapped her in a hug. Standing on my tiptoes, I reached around her neck, pulling her closer. She stayed limp, and I wanted to squeeze her tighter but restrained myself. I read somewhere that hugging someone could boost serotonin and improve your mood. After holding her for a few beats, she awkwardly dropped her forehead to my shoulder.
I rubbed her back and neck to relieve the tension I could feel, but this wasn’t a good angle. “It’s going to be okay. Whatever you’re feeling is okay.”
Her body silently shook, and I could feel wetness against my skin. I was used to being the caregiver, but most of the time, it was for people who wanted to be cared for—that wasn’t Caz. She was uncomfortable in this embrace, with her head being the only real point of contact with my body. Her arms were still at her sides, but I moved closer this time. She stiffened, so I released her and guided her to the oversized couch.
“Sit.” I gently urged her, and she did so without resistance.
I slid to her side and started kneading the knots in her back.
“What are you doing?” she questioned in a slightly accusatory tone.
“It’s called a massage.” But I tilted my head to look at her.
“I’m aware, but why are you doing that?” At least her sadness seemed to disappear, but I felt rather stupid.
“To help?” Maybe it made her uncomfortable. Or perhaps she thought I was hitting on her when she was vulnerable. “I’m sorry. I’ll stop.”
“You don’t have to, but don’t think I’d be good at returning the favor.” She chuckled, probably deflecting her feelings.
“Well, lucky for you, I won’t ask you to do me next.”
“That’s not what she said.” The words flowed from her lips so effortlessly that I didn’t think she realized she had said them.
“Will you knock it off and let me do my thing?”
“I don’t know. I guess it depends on what ‘your thing’ is,” she teased, but it was good to hear her joking, even if it was at my expense.
“Why do you have to make this awkward?” I nudged her arm.
“I’m sorry.” She bit her lower lip. “My therapist says I use humor as a coping mechanism.”
“That’s evident.” I dug my fingers harder into the tight muscles, and she let out a low moan. “Did I hurt you?”
“No. You hit the right spot.”
“That’s what she said.”
She threw herself back against me with a burst of laughter, and I couldn't resist joining in.
“This is what you need to do.” Her words caught me off guard.
“What are you talking about?”
She sat forward and looked at me. “When you’re relaxed, you lose some of your shyness, and your true personality emerges. This is how you need to interact with people. Let them see the real you.” She was done opening up and returned to my problems.
“I appreciate that. But it’s easier said than done.” I had to feel comfortable with someone to let my walls down, and even then, I still kept many things to myself out of fear of rejection.
“I get that, but we can work on it. I know you no longer want to go after Ember, but maybe there is someone else you’d be interested in?”
Since this was where the conversation had gone, I wouldn’t fight it. Besides, maybe I did still want her advice. She might have thought she was a loner, but she couldn’t deny that she was inherently a people person.
“To tell you the truth, I still like Ember.” Knowing that Caz wasn’t interested in her brought back my prior feelings. It wasn’t like they had just gone away, anyway. But it appeared safe to voice them again.
“Oh?” She seemed surprised, but not in a good way.
“Is that a problem?”
Did I read the situation wrong? Maybe Ember hit on Caz, but Caz didn’t return the sentiment like with Yoni. And maybe Caz didn’t want to tell me that because she knew it would hurt my feelings.
“No. That’s not a problem. What happened to make you change your mind?”
How honest should I be right now? I took a beat before responding but figured it was better not to lie. Caz had been nothing but understanding and patient with me, and if I misled her, how could she help me?
“I thought you had a crush on her, and I didn’t think I could compete with you, so I dropped it.”
She sat there stunned, and I wondered if I had unknowingly brought those feelings to the forefront of her mind. She covered her mouth and exhaled deeply through her nose as she shook her head. “No. Noooo. Nope. Not even a little.” She was so adamant that I thought maybe she protested too much. But then she began chuckling, which confused me.
“What’s so funny?”
“Sorry. Ember and I would never be a good match. We appear to both have forceful personalities.”
I wasn’t acquainted well enough with Ember yet, so I was curious to find out what she knew. “You think she’s like you?”
“God, no. I think she is… confident?” Her voice lilted up on the last word as if it were a question.
“Have you dug into her socials?” Where was she getting her information?
I didn’t question Ember’s confidence. She had every right to feel that way because she was striking and alluring.
“No. I have done nothing without you. I’m basing it on my interaction at the coffeehouse.”
“What did she say?” I could tell I was missing something, but I wasn’t sure if she wanted to fill me in.
“It wasn’t what she said as much as how she acted. I read energy, and hers wasn’t… on the same wavelength as mine.” She spoke cautiously, and I was tired of reading between the lines.
“Do you think I have a shot or not?” I wanted her to come right out and say what she was thinking.
“You have more than a shot. Don’t you realize how incredible you are? If Ember doesn’t want to go out with you, that’s her loss—not yours.”
Although her words were touching, I remained skeptical that Ember would share the same perspective. Caz knew me, so she would see me in a better light. Did that mean Ember would give me the same consideration? Probably not. However, was the chance worth the risk? I guess I’d have to see for myself.