15. Caz
Chapter 15
Caz
I probably shouldn’t have gotten into Shiloh’s Prius with her because my mind was a mess. When I first saw her tonight, I felt relieved she was okay, but then my conversation with Matrix popped back into my thoughts, and I wondered if he had been right. Did I have more interest in Shiloh than just helping her?
Was I on edge because so much appeared to be changing for Matrix and I was standing still? He was the only person I ever opened up to, which wasn’t a lot, but finding out he had been keeping so much from me made me feel even more alone. And it wasn’t like they were small events—they were life-changing. Then, I questioned if he would continue to produce the show. Did I even want to continue with the show? I spiraled down a rabbit hole of doubt, wondering if there was a path back to reality.
I turned to look at Shiloh while she focused on the road. Her hair was tucked behind her ear, and she was wearing her standard gray shirt. It was different from the one this afternoon. This one was tighter and closer to the black family. She must have felt my eyes on her because she peeked my way.
“Can I ask you something?” I didn’t want to make things awkward by her catching me staring, so I figured if I spoke, she would think that was why I had been looking at her.
“Of course.”
“Is there a reason you always wear gray?” I had become accustomed to it, yet my curiosity persisted.
“Do you want the real answer or the answer I give most people?” Her voice sounded nervous but slightly playful, which I enjoyed.
“How about both?” If I were honest with myself, I would have enjoyed learning about her, regardless of the topic.
“Okay. Well, I tell most people it’s because it’s versatile and matches my shoes.”
That seemed reasonable, but now I wanted to know the truth.
“And…” I prompted her to continue.
“Well, it’s slightly embarrassing. But I have sensory issues, and too many colors and choices overwhelm me, so I stick with what keeps the peace inside my brain.”
“That’s nothing to be embarrassed about. Lots of people experience difficulties with sensory processing. Like I don’t handle loud noises very well.”
She laughed. “I’m not sure anyone does.”
“Sonya didn’t seem to mind,” I challenged.
“Well… Sonya is an exception to every rule,” she breathed out teasingly.
She was probably right. Sonya’s life seemed to be a choreographed dance to music only she could hear.
“Fair enough. Why don’t I share something personal so you don’t feel alone?”
“You can tell me anything, but you don’t have to do it because you feel sorry for me.”
“What? No. That’s not what I meant. I realize you have shared a lot with me, and even though I’m not the type to normally reciprocate, I want to with you.” That was more honest than I probably should have been, but I didn’t want to take it back.
“Okay. But only if you want to.” She was so polite.
“I’m a recluse,” I said awkwardly.
She chuckled. “I didn’t realize you were going to tell me a joke. I should have known, though. You said you weren’t much of a sharer.”
“I’m serious, Shiloh.” I didn’t know if she could tell from the tone in my voice, but she stopped laughing.
“What do you mean? You work with the public; you were out at the biggest bar opening I’ve ever seen, and you spend time with me.” She sounded confused, and I could see why.
“Two things can be true at the same time.” Many people thought they knew me based on my radio personality, but the only person who got to see my genuine self was Matrix, and now… Shiloh. “I haven’t gone on a date in three years. I rarely leave my condo unless I have to do something for work. Being alone brings me comfort.”
She didn’t say anything for a minute, but neither did I. It took a lot out of me to say that, and I was having sharer’s remorse.
“Did something happen?” she questioned.
Shit. This was another reason I didn’t tell people things. Because a nugget of information was like an onion. You had to peel back all the layers to get to the core before people were satisfied.
At this point, I could say yes without elaborating, which would be the safer choice, or tell her what had been weighing on me for a while now and see if getting it off my chest would make me feel lighter.
Most of the time, suppression was my go-to. But look where that had gotten me—a life filled with isolation and nothing to show for my efforts.
“My girlfriend broke up with me and took the best part of who I was.” That sounded so pathetic, but it was true. I was a shell of a person pretending to be whole.
When I felt a sudden touch on my thigh, I let out a piercing scream and jolted in my seat.
“I’m sorry.” Shiloh yanked her hand back so fast that she jerked the car but safely righted it. “I didn’t mean to do that. I was trying to let you know you’re not alone.”
“It’s okay. You don’t need to apologize. I do. I’m just jumpy. It’s been a long time since anyone… comforted me.” I guess that was what she was doing, but my mind was already jumbled.
And when her soft fingers brushed against my bare skin in one of the holes of my jeans, it sent my body into fight-or-flight.
“I’m keeping my hands on the wheel.” She had it firmly gripped at ten and two. “But, Caz, please hear me when I say this. You have not lost the best part of yourself. Do you realize the impact you have on people? You can make someone’s day with a wink. You ooze charisma; underneath that tough exterior is a kind-hearted, loving person.”
I was unsure how to respond. No one had ever seen me as the heroine. If anything, I was the smartass who needed to watch her mouth—at least, that was what I had heard for most of my childhood.
Emotions sloshed around inside of me, and by the time she stopped the car in front of my condo, I realized they had moved outward in the form of tears. I never cried, but my eyes were leaking, and I couldn’t seem to stop.
She turned toward me, but I hoped she couldn’t tell what my face was doing since it was dark. “Do you want me to come in or leave you?”
I was afraid to talk because my voice might give it away, but it didn’t matter. There was only one thing I needed right now: her.