Chapter 24
OLIVIA
T he door slammed with a finality that echoed right through me.
My head was spinning too much to make any sense of what had just happened.
One minute Jake had been inside me, his confession that he knew I was made for him hanging in the air—for God’s sake, I’d nearly blurted out that I loved him—and the next minute he was in a white-faced panic running out the door.
While I understood why he was worried, it was the way he’d reacted that frightened me.
The absolute terror on his face made me question why I’d believed that he’d been on the verge of admitting there was something deeper to us than a simple summer fling.
Maybe I’d imagined it all. Maybe, despite his confession that he thought I was meant for him, he still only thought of us as temporary.
I mean, a meal can be made for you, but you finish it and move on.
All I knew for sure was that he didn’t want kids. A man who would run out after dark and drive to the next town in search of a morning-after pill was very clear about his aversion to children.
Yet, I could have sworn that instead of pulling out, he’d gripped me hard and held me to him as if he didn’t want to let me go.
But that was impossible. He certainly hadn’t done it on purpose, not if he was out now tracking down birth control like an addict in search of a late-night fix.
The longer he was gone, the more I worried.
I tried to calm myself down by cleaning and rearranging the spice drawer.
But then worry gave way to hurt when I thought of the horror on his face as he realized the possible consequences of what we’d done.
I knew it was a long shot. I was too late in my very regular cycle to get pregnant, but I guess there was still a tiny possibility.
And then the irrational part of me began to think: Would that be so very awful?
Then it was there in my head: a secret desire that I definitely couldn’t reveal to Jake, and that I didn’t even want to acknowledge myself. Because what would that mean about me? That I was willing to abandon my future?
And yet, irrational me wanted Jake’s babies very, very much. Even now I could see their dimples and their soft, curling hair. I could imagine burying my face in a pudgy neck.
“No, stop right now,” I said out loud, hoping to rein in my spiraling mind.
But it was too late, and by the time Jake came back home I was sitting at the edge of the pool and stewing in my own hurt. I refused to turn around when I heard his footsteps behind me. When he paused a few feet away from me, I could feel him staring at me, hesitating.
“I found an open pharmacy,” he said finally.
“Okay.” I nodded but made no move to stand up.
I wanted him to sit next to me, to hold me and make this distance between us go away. It was almost palpable, like an invisible force pressing against the fragile bond we’d created, threatening to break it.
But he didn’t take me in his arms. He stood quietly behind me for a while then went back inside.
I heard him running the tap and, when I peeked around, saw that he’d set a glass of water next to the white paper bag from the pharmacy.
Our eyes met briefly before I turned my attention back to the pool.
He came back outside and said impatiently, “Listen, Olivia. I’m sorry. I fucked up. Are you going to stop speaking to me for the rest of the night?”
“No, of course not,” I answered, coming slowly to my feet. When I turned to face him, his eyebrows were drawn together, deep lines creased his forehead. “But you didn’t need to run off like that. I told you it was fine. It’s too late in my cycle.”
He ran his fingers through his hair. “Let’s make sure that there are no consequences to what we just did.”
“Consequences?” He couldn’t even bring himself to say it. “You mean a baby?”
He stared at me as if I’d lost my mind. And maybe I had.
I felt like a bundle of exposed nerves and dashed secret hopes, vulnerable and foolish at the same time.
I’d wanted to pretend that I was so mature, that I could handle a fling with an older man, have hot sex and not get attached.
That was never going to happen. Didn’t I know myself by now?
“Yeah, I mean a baby. Jesus, Olivia what is wrong with you?” He came up to me and put his hands softly on my arms, his concern evident on his face, and my anger ebbed a bit.
He led me into the kitchen and handed me the paper bag.
There were two boxes inside like he hadn’t known which brand to choose.
“I don’t think I’m supposed to take them both. Or would you prefer that I did, to be extra sure?” I knew I sounded petulant, but I couldn’t help myself with the way he stood there staring at me like he was an orderly in a psychiatric hospital, and I was his patient.
He sighed and shook his head. “I don’t understand what’s happening with you right now.”
“And I don’t understand why you’re hovering over me. Don’t you trust me?”
“Right now? Honestly, no. You’re acting like you’d prefer to take the risk.”
“Would that be so terrible?” I said the words before I could stop myself. The blank astonishment on his face told me everything I needed to know.
“Olivia . . .” he breathed, but I cut him off before he could say anything else.
“I’ll take the damn pill. Can I just have some space, please?” I said, pushing myself away from the table.
“Okay,” he said slowly, holding his hands up. “I’ll leave you alone.”
I didn’t want him to leave me alone though. I wanted him to hold me and tell me that what we had wasn’t coming to an end, that he’d meant what he’d said before bolting from the house like a frightened deer.
* * *
A half an hour later, I still hadn’t calmed down. I’d taken refuge in the cottage, the only place I could get away from the sight of that glass of water and paper bag. The only person I wanted to talk to was Callie, and as I dialed her number, I prayed that she wasn’t working.
“Hey, chicken, I was beginning to despair of ever hearing from you again. What’s the latest news from the Villa of Earthly Delights?” Hearing her familiar laugh made me sob into the phone.
“Oh God, Liv. What is it?” she asked softly.
“Oh, Callie. I’m so stupid. I’ve ruined everything.” She listened quietly while I told her what happened, every detail, from Jake’s confession and to my hysterical freak out. And then I got to the unavowable secret part.
“And then I couldn’t bring myself to take the pill in front of him. It just feels so final. Does that make sense?”
“Because part of you wants it?” she asked.
“Yeah.” I covered my eyes as tears slid down my face. “That sounds horrible when I say it out loud. I just really want him. And I want to have his babies.”
“Sweetie, of course you do. You’re in love. But just take a minute and breathe.” Callie breathed into the receiver, and I breathed back. “Do you really want to have a baby now? Take Jake out of the equation.”
“No. Not now.”
“Exactly. It’s not the right time. You have a lot to accomplish this year. Jake knows that. He’s probably freaked out that he might have inadvertently cast a shadow over your bright future.”
“Maybe.” I worried my bottom lip between my teeth. “But if that’s the case, why didn’t he just say that?”
She chuckled. “Men aren’t the best communicators, you know.”
More hot tears slid down my face. “I’ve probably scared him off for good now. I even scared myself.”
“Take a bath, calm down, sleep on it. You can talk tomorrow, right?”
“Yeah,” I croaked, but I wasn’t so sure.
I hung up the phone and wandered back over to the house, dark now except for the kitchen light I’d left on. I walked slowly over to the table and popped a pill out of the aluminum foil back. Then before I could overthink it, swallowed it down with a big gulp of water.
I thought it would make me feel better, but it didn’t. It felt like the end.
I wandered back to the cottage and flung myself face-first onto the mattress, where I fell asleep alone for the first time in weeks.