Chapter 25
JAKE
T he night was interminable. I barely slept, just tossed and turned in a bed that was suddenly too big for me. I found myself reaching for Olivia, only to wrap my arm around empty space.
Around six a.m., I gave up altogether on the idea of sleep and went for a run to clear my mind.
I ran until my legs ached and my lungs burned.
Past the church where the ancient bells were already ringing, past the empty pétanque grounds, and past the café where Michel was having an early morning espresso and chatting with Marie-Claude.
They called after me, but I pretended like I couldn’t hear them.
By the time I got back to the house, the sun was already beating down on the pavement, and the cicadas were buzzing, but otherwise it was eerily quiet.
When I walked into the kitchen, my eyes were immediately drawn to the counter where an empty glass stood next to the foil package, a ragged hole at the center where the pill had been pushed out.
I don’t know how I’d expected to feel seeing the evidence that she’d taken it.
Relieved? Guilty? I felt both, but also there was an ache deep in my chest.
I couldn’t pretend anymore that what I was doing didn’t matter, that it didn’t have any consequences, that it wouldn’t end up hurting her. Because last night I had hurt her.
I should have handled it better. I shouldn’t have freaked out, and I sure as hell shouldn’t have left her alone to take the damn pill.
Goddammit, I’d spent most of my life trying to avoid these situations.
I’d always been careful—not just with sex, but with emotional attachments.
But on both counts, I’d failed here. And I’d done it because it felt good to be with her without my usual barriers.
With Olivia, I’d felt free for the first time in a long time.
In the end, it was selfish. I always knew how this would end, and I’d let her think otherwise. Hell, I’d let myself feel otherwise.
After showering, I kept myself busy consulting weeks’ worth of old emails, anything to keep me from thinking about the night before. It was early afternoon when I finally heard her voice outside.
She was crouched down petting the cat with her back to me.
When I stepped onto the terrace, she stiffened.
Part of me wanted nothing more than to go to her and sweep her up in my arms to tell her I was sorry.
But I couldn’t do it. She turned to peer up at me, and I could see how puffy her eyes were.
Christ, she’d been crying, and I didn’t know what to do with tears, especially ones I’d caused.
The sight of those tears had me retreating into that part of myself where I felt safest. I always imagined it as a glass box where I could sit inside and observe without being seen.
I was invulnerable in there, protected. The borders between me and the outside world didn’t bleed or confuse themselves.
She stood slowly, unsure, like she no longer trusted me. And she was right not to. I’d lied to her after all, hadn’t I? Made her believe I could give her something I knew myself incapable of. If anything, the past twelve hours had proven that she shouldn’t depend on me.
“Jake, can we talk?” She walked toward me, and I stepped back, afraid that if she came too near I’d end up kissing her. And it would all begin again. I’d keep lying to myself and to her.
“What’s wrong with you?” she asked, her eyes darting nervously over me.
I shook my head. “Nothing. I just have some work to do.”
“Work?” She let out a small laugh. “Okay. So I guess vacation is over?”
She continued toward me, not backing down. I admired her determination, even though I knew it was a lost cause. She deserved someone who was more open, who knew what the fuck he wanted, and didn’t retreat at the first sign of emotional vulnerability.
“I took the pill. You were right, I don’t want to take the risk. I couldn’t handle a baby right now. But someday I do want a family.”
I nodded. My throat was tight, and I couldn’t swallow properly. “I know you do.”
“And you don’t,” she said matter-of-factly. I didn’t agree and I didn’t correct her. Truth was I’d never really thought about it. Like most things that involved relationships and family, I found it impossible to imagine. But if I corrected her, it would give her hope.
I couldn’t very well tell her that the idea of having a baby with her hadn’t freaked me out. It was the possibility of knocking her life off course. Of disappointing her later when she realized she should have done that with another guy.
My silence hung over us and she moved closer. “I’m sorry I overreacted yesterday. It was irrational what I said, I know it . . .”
“No, Olivia.” I shook my head. “I’m the one who should be apologizing. I’m the one who overreacted. You were honest. That’s one of the things I admire most about you—your honesty.”
Her eyes glistened, and a single tear streaked down her face.
I longed to kiss it away. But it was too late for that now.
“Jake, I know these things don’t come naturally to you.
But can’t we talk about us? About the future?
Because I don’t want to leave here and never see you again. And I feel like . . .”
“Olivia, I can’t think about that right now.”
“Can’t or won’t?”
I walked over to the pool, stared into it, crushing down the wave of panic rising inside of me. I was afraid it would become a tsunami if I let myself lose control. “I don’t know how to do those things, okay? Any of it. Love, relationships, family. I don’t know how to do that.”
“That’s okay. It doesn’t have to be everything all at once.” She touched my arm, hopeful smile still tugging at the corner of her mouth.
This was not going as planned. I felt myself ready to lash out like a cornered animal.
“You do know that none of this is real, right?” I gestured to the two of us, to the house where we’d laughed together, cooked together, made love.
I stared into her stricken face. “Do you think I’m always going to be available to drive you around, to fuck you in every position in every room of this house?
This is not real life. It was always going to be temporary. ”
In the silence that followed, my harsh words hung in the air, stunning even me. I heard my father’s voice in them, and it made me sick; still, I didn’t take them back.
“It was real to me!” Her voice shook, and her face had gone from stricken to enraged.
“I’m sorry that you misinterpreted things.” My voice sounded hollow even to myself.
We stared at each other, and in that heavy silence my mind was numb, and so was my body, like someone had injected me with anesthesia. Then with a small sob she spun away and ran back to the cottage.
“Fuck,” I cursed under my breath, bringing my hand down on the metal table with a loud, reverberating thud.
I was going to go after her. I was going to . . .
The front gate bell rang in three staccato beats, stopping me in my tracks. I cursed again and stalked off, my feet digging hard against the gravel, to see who the hell was at my door.
As I got closer, I slowed down as a woman’s voice floated over the grill. “Are you sure this is the right address?”
“Yes, the old man at the café said it’s here,” a man responded.
American accents. Familiar voices.
Dread filled my stomach, even before I opened the gate.
* * *
“Surprise!”
My feet rooted to the ground and my brain short-circuiting, I stared silently at Olivia’s family.
Ben stood there in a white polo and cargo shorts, a huge grin on his round face.
Behind him, Kirsten smiled nervously beneath her large sunglasses, and the twins sulked, staring at the ground with their hands stuffed in their pockets.
Seeing Ben after I had just spent the past few weeks balls deep in his daughter was like a kick in the gut. The rotten cherry on top of one of the shittiest days of my life.
“Oh no! He’s speechless. I think we broke him,” laughed Ben as he slapped me heartily on the back, nearly knocking the wind out of me. I imagined the force of his fist against my chin if he found out what I’d been up to with his daughter.
Right now, I’d welcome it. It was exactly what I deserved.
“You gonna invite us in?”
“Of course, yeah, come in.” He pushed past me, lowering his sunglasses dramatically to take in the house and garden and whistling like he was checking out a pretty girl.
“Damn, Jake!” said Ben. “You were holding out on us. Look at this place! If we’d have known you owned a whole damn villa, we’d have come sooner, right, Ma?”
Only then did I notice Janet standing in the shade of the linden tree. She threw her arms around me, her floppy white hat crushed against my shoulder. “It’s so lovely to see you, Jake. I hope we’re not interrupting. I told Ben he should call, but he never listens to me, as you know.”
“I seem to remember something like that.” I tried to smile, and I wondered if it was possible to feel any shittier about myself.
“So where’s my little girl?” Ben asked.
Turns out it was possible to feel even shittier.
“She’s not a little girl, Ben,” Janet reminded him, removing her hat and running her fingers through her short gray bob. “I’m sure she wouldn’t appreciate you calling her that in front of Jake here.”
“Hey, Jake. Do you have a pool?” asked one of the twins. With their identical Fortnite T-shirts and dark sunglasses it was impossible to tell them apart.
“Yeah, around back.”
“Yes!” they cried in unison and bumped fists, reminding me of all the funny stories Olivia had told me about them, stories I wouldn’t be privy to anymore.
As my shock wore off, I realized I had to warn Olivia before her family descended upon her. “I’ll go get Olivia.”
“We’ll find her!” cried Twin One. “We’ll hunt her down, tackle, and shackle her.” Twin Two cackled like a cartoon villain, and before I could stop them, they spun out in the gravel, their hands held in pistol shapes.
Hoping to rescue her before her brothers could make good on their threat, I hurried to the cottage, banging on the door until Olivia threw it open.
Her eyes were even redder and puffier now, and if I hadn’t been in such a goddamn rush to head off her brothers, I would probably have gotten on my knees right then and begged her to forgive me.
“I don’t want to talk right now, Jake.” Her voice shook.
“I know. I just want to warn you that your family is here.” At that very instant two wiry bodies jumped out on either side of me.
“Ha ha!” they cried as I snagged them both by the shirt collar before they could ambush their sister.
Olivia stared at her brothers with a horrified expression on her face. Then her eyes met mine, and she slammed the door in my face.