Chapter 27 #2
“It’s nice to get to spend some time with you. We missed you,” he said when we sat down by the water to eat our sandwiches. “I’m glad you had a good time in France, though.”
“I did. It was magical. And I learned so much about wine and food. I filled up so many notebooks with new recipes.” I’d learned much more valuable lessons than that, but he didn’t need to know about that. “There’s still so much for me to learn.”
He nodded. “Well, you’ve got your whole life for that. Once you’ve finished law school and you have a steady salary, you’ll be able to take more trips. Discover more cuisines.”
“Yeah, about that.” I swallowed, trying to get up the courage to tell him that I didn’t want to go back home with them when he pulled a box out of his backpack and handed it to me. Oh God, what was this?
“We were going to wait to surprise you once we got back home, but you know how impatient I am.” He grinned and nudged my knee with his. “Open it.”
My fingers wouldn’t move. I didn’t want to see what was inside because then I might feel too guilty to tell him the truth.
He took the box from me and lifted the lid, revealing a photograph of an apartment building and a key. I closed my eyes to suppress the tears that were building behind my eyelids. But it was too late.
“Hey, kiddo, don’t cry. You’ll make me cry. We just wanted to show you how proud of you we are.” He rubbed my back. “You’ve come so far, despite all the challenges you had earlier in life. It was important to us that you had everything you needed as you begin this next phase of your life.”
I hugged my knees, burying my face against them, angry at myself for having lied to him for so long by pretending to be perfect.
I was tired of pretending. For once, I wanted to show him who I really was—messy, flawed, and really fucking desperate for love.
And I also wanted to show him the person I’d become over the summer.
Someone who took risks and went after what she wanted even if it didn’t work out.
“Oh, Dad. Please don’t hate me,” I said as I wiped at my nose with the sleeve of my shirt.
Alarm registered in his blue eyes. “What are you talking about, honey? I could never hate you.” He held me at arm’s length. “Did something happen this summer? Is that why you’ve been so reserved? Liv, you can tell me anything.”
I could tell that his mind was struggling not to make the connection about my current emotional funk and the fact that I’d been staying alone with Jake.
If he suspected anything, he didn’t want confirmation.
And this wasn’t about my relationship with Jake anyway, it was about the part of myself that I’d kept hidden from him for years.
“Yes, in a way. This summer made me realize that what I want and what I think I should want are entirely different.” I stared out at the lake, trying to gather my thoughts, wanting to make a case for myself like this was a law school admissions essay.
His eyebrows drew together in confusion. “Okay, I’m not sure I’m following you.”
“I’ve always done everything you expected of me, even if sometimes I didn’t want to. Like majoring in economics instead of English.” I took a deep breath to let my words sink in. He looked like a kicked puppy, which didn’t make the conversation easier. “But now I think I was wrong to do that.”
I stood up and began to pace along the rocky shore.
“The truth is I don’t want to be a lawyer.
I’d be miserable stuck in some high-rise office building sixty hours a week drafting contracts.
” I took a deep breath to brace myself to say the thing that would hurt him most. “And I don’t want to take over the firm. I’m sorry.”
Dad sat in silence for a minute, hands spread on his hiking shorts.
Then he stood and came over to me, a conciliatory smile on his mouth.
He took my arms in his hands. “Honey, it’s natural to be nervous before taking a big step like this.
You’re projecting though. Once you’re settled in your new place and you’ve made new friends at school, you’ll feel much better about the way your life is going. ”
Oh God, the new place.
“No, you don’t understand. What I love is feeding people. It’s more than a passion. It’s how I want to spend my days.” I bit my lip to stop it from trembling. I couldn’t lose my nerve now. “I’m not going to Chicago. I was accepted into a culinary program in Paris. It starts in September.”
His arms dropped away, and he looked like I’d stabbed him with his Swiss Army knife. “Liv, this doesn’t make any sense. You’re going to give up on one of the top law schools in the country to go sling pots and pans around in a kitchen? No.”
He stomped back over to pick up his backpack. “You’re not thinking clearly. Come on, let’s go back to the apartment and talk about it.”
“There’s really nothing to discuss. I can’t do it anymore.” Tears started to flow down my cheeks again. “Ever since I came to live with you and Kirsten, I’ve only ever wanted to make you proud of me. I don’t want to disappoint you, but I can’t sacrifice my happiness to be your perfect daughter.”
I covered my face with my hands, and then he was back at my side, taking me into his arms. “Liv, I don’t want you to sacrifice anything for me.
And no matter what you do, you’ll always be my perfect daughter.
Even if you moved back into the house and played video games on the couch all day, I’d still love you.
I’m just trying to understand, okay? Let me wrap my head around all this. ”
He handed me a bottle of water, and then sat and listened while I explained everything to him through my tears—how much food meant to me, how I’d gotten the idea to apply to Ferrandi, how I had been so afraid to hurt his feelings by being honest with him.
I sniffled and leaned my head against his chest. “You’re not disappointed?”
“Well, maybe just a bit confused. I wish you’d talked about all this with me before.”
“I wanted to, but I could never get my nerve up.” I buried my head in my hands. “And I’m sorry about the apartment. But I did tell you not to do it.”
He squeezed me. “It’s an investment. Kirsten and I love going to Chicago. The boys might use it someday.”
“Yeah, maybe.” I laughed imagining them grown up and living on their own in the big city, majoring in apocalypse studies.
“Now, let’s go talk about how this is going to work. I’m assuming you’re planning on rooming with Callie?” With his arm around me, we walked back toward our rental car.
For the first time since I’d left Jake, I could breathe. I just wished I could share the news with him.