Chapter 24
Damon wasn't sure who gasped louder—Grace or his mom—but it was the hurt in Grace's eyes that made his gut twist and his gaze shoot toward the ceiling.
That infernal tank was back, steamrolling over his chest, pulverizing his heart into a million pieces. Grace was so incredibly beautiful it hurt to look at her, knowing he couldn't be the man she deserved.
"Damon Michael Knight, shame on you." Mom's look was every bit as scolding as her tone. "Grace has been worried sick about you, just like I have. She's the one who kept me from falling apart when I got the call that you'd been injured."
"I'm sorry." He wasn't sure if his apology was for his mom or Grace. He couldn't make eye contact with either.
He hated hurting Grace, but it was the only way to shield her from the burden he'd become. He also hated that she was here, seeing him like this. Broken. An invalid, missing integral parts of himself.
She deserves a whole man. Someone who can give her the children she longs for.
He looked at her now, frozen at the foot of his bed, looking like she was on the verge of tears. "I'm sorry, Grace. You just...surprised me."
Her lips turned up in a small smile that didn't reach her eyes. With stiff movements she rounded the bed opposite his mom and leaned in to hug him.
"I'm so glad you're home. I've missed you so much."
Bracing himself for the pain that hugging her was sure to cause, Damon lifted his arms to return the embrace the best he could. How could he not? He loved this woman more than life itself.
He inhaled deeply soaking in her sunshine and floral scent. "I've missed you too."
When she pulled back and pressed her lips to his, he accepted her kiss, needing it every bit as much as he did those first few swallows of water after waking up. But unlike the water, her kiss—though amazing as it was—couldn't soothe the scorched places inside him.
This one was goodbye. Not the welcome home he'd looked forward to for the last three and a half months.
When the kiss ended, she kept her face close to his as she ran her fingers over the stubble on his cheek. "I've never seen you with more than a five o'clock shadow." Her smile was more genuine now. "I like it."
She must have seen the rejection in his eyes at that point, because a small V formed between her brows as she slowly backed away.
She cast a quick glance at his mother, her smile turning stiff as she sat on the edge of his bed and took his hand despite the oxygen monitor on his finger.
But she didn't make eye contact with him again.
"Oh honey," Mom took his other hand. "I'm so sorry about your friends Ford and King. Their families must be devastated."
The sympathy in Mom's voice brought tears to his eyes and the burning in the back of his throat again. He squeezed his eyes shut as guilt and sorrow enveloped him.
"You don't need to be tough for us." Mom rubbed his shoulder. "Just let it out."
The heartache swallowing him was caused by so much more than the loss of his buddies. Knowing he needed to let go of the woman that had captured his heart and become his best friend—despite the thousands of miles between them—killed him.
They sat in silence for several long moments while he regained his composure, which took forever because he was about to break Grace's heart.
"Captain Moore wouldn't tell us what actually happened." Mom finally said. "Can you?"
Damon didn't want to talk about what happened. He didn't want to remember the deafening blast, the fear, the chaos, the pain. But one look at his mom's face told him she'd suffered these last few days too. With fear of the unknown. Was her son really okay? Would he actually come home alive?
"I can't talk about where we were or the mission." Damon stared at the dip in the blanket at the end of the bed where his left foot should have been. "But one minute..."
I was dreaming of kissing Grace under the mistletoe.
"We were driving in a convoy, laughing and talking, then there was an explosion. An IED."
Damon swallowed hard, feeling the heat all over again.
His heart raced as he recalled the screeching of ripping metal, followed by the high-pitched ringing in his ears.
His hands shook as he felt again the bite of shrapnel in his flesh.
The sting of sand in his lungs and the searing pain in his leg.
"It's okay, son." Mom's hand tightened on his. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked."
Grace squeezed his other hand, but he couldn't bring himself to look at her.
He pulled his hand from his mom's—he couldn't bear to let go of Grace's just yet—and motioned to the water sitting on the table beside his bed. Mom held up the water cup, and he drank deeply.
"It's strange. I don't remember what we were talking about before the explosion, but..." He pressed a hand to his chest. "But I know it was important." Then he pressed his palm to his temple. "The rest is...overwhelming sensations rather than images."
"It must have been such a nightmare." Grace's soft, sympathetic words made it sound like she knew something about nightmares.
He looked at her pretty face. Fine lines he couldn't recall ever seeing before surrounded her eyes. Had they developed while she cared for her mom in her final days? Or were they from worrying about him?
"I'm just so glad you survived and came home to us in one piece." Mom leaned over and kissed his forehead again.
"Not really."
Mom rolled her eyes. "Sorry, that was a poor choice of words, but you know what I mean."
Silence filled the room.
Neither of them looked at his leg. Not with pity. Not even with morbid curiosity.
Part of him wanted them to, especially Grace. He wanted her to see he was no longer the man he used to be. But even if she looked at his leg, she wouldn't see the injury that truly emasculated him.
"Who’s taking care of Lily?" he asked, searching for something—anything—that could bring some normalcy to their stilted conversation.
"Gabe and Paige," Grace said with a smile. "They love her as much as I do."
"She's very lovable." Mom laughed. "So cute and well behaved."
The room grew quiet again.
"I'm parched," Mom announced, springing to her feet. "I'm going to go find a couple bottles of water and give you two a few minutes of privacy."
Damon wanted to call her back. Tell her not to leave him alone with Grace. The other part told him there was no time like the present.
Like a Band Aid. Just rip it off and get it over with.
He stared at their clasped hands. "Listen, Grace, you should—" He swallowed hard before continuing. "You should go home." He pulled his hand from hers. It was one of the hardest things he'd ever done.
"What?" Her head jerked back.
"I appreciate all you've done to help my mother these past few days, for flying here with her. She hates flying and traveling in unfamiliar cities."
"You think that's the only reason I came?" Anger laced her words.
Good.
He could handle anger better than tears. He looked at her now. Despite the anger, tears glistened in her eyes, and his heart twisted.
He forged on. His heart was breaking, but he needed to do this for her sake.
"You didn't sign up for this, Grace." He motioned to his leg.
"You shouldn't have to play nursemaid to half a man.
" She made a scoffing sound, but he pressed on.
"You deserve someone who can give you the life you want. I can't be that man."
"How do you know what I want?"
"I saw your bucket list. More than anything, you want to be a wife and mother."
"Yeah, so? Your injury doesn't change anything." She looked at his leg now, but her gaze didn't linger. "I don't care about your stupid leg. I love you. That hasn't changed."
Every day while he was out on assignment he'd dreamed of hearing her say those words again. He never thought they'd sound so exasperated.
"You're beautiful, smart, and ambitious. You just started working on your doctorate. You need a man who can support you through that, not someone who will be a burden. I'll only drag you down."
"Stop telling me what you think I need." Tears wet her cheeks now. "You could never be a burden." She sniffed as she swiped her hand over her cheeks. "I know you're hurting and scared. I am too. But we're going to be okay. We'll get through this."
"No, Grace, listen—"
"You think you're being noble by pushing me away, but you don't get to tell me who and how to love. Even though you were thousands of miles away, you were there for me when I needed you most. Now it's my turn to be here for you." She took his hand again.
Damon felt like the biggest jerk in the world as he pulled his hand away. It had only been a month since she lost her mother, and now he was heaping more heartache on her.
She deserves better.
He had to keep reminding himself of that. He had to believe it, or he'd never be able to go through with this.
"I don't want you here, Grace." He said the words as firmly as he could, then he sucked in a sharp breath, trying to quell the piercing ache in his chest. His heart was taking fire. Heavy-duty artillery fire that made the tank feel like a walk in the park. "Go home. Move on with your life."
"How am I supposed to do that when my heart is here?" If he thought anger laced her voice before, it was nothing compared to the iciness in it now as she stood. She shook her head as she glared at him. “Why does every man I love always end up breaking my heart?”
Grace walked to the door, then she turned back. "I'll leave, Damon, but don't for one minute think I'm giving up on you. On us. This..." She circled her hand in the air. "...is all on you."
His stomach plummeted when she walked out followed by his heart. Sinking lower than he thought possible, leaving a gaping hole in his chest. He'd told her to leave, so why was he so disappointed that she did?
And what did she mean by every man she has ever loved always breaking her heart? Had someone besides her father let her down?
Grace made it all of ten feet down the hall before she slumped against the wall. Wrapping her arms around herself, she let the tears flow.
Charity found her less than a minute later. "Oh, honey, what's wrong?"
"He broke—" Her voice cracked with a hiccup. "Damon broke up with me."
"He did what?"
"He told me to go home." Another sob. "S-said he didn't want me here."
"Oh dear. I'll go talk to him."
"No." Grace grabbed her arm. "You can't fix this.
" She sniffled. "Emily warned us he might pull away.
" Grace hadn't wanted to believe Jake's wife, the psychologist, was right, but she should have known better.
"Damon thinks he'll be a burden. That he's too broken and not good enough for me anymore. "
"That's nonsense."
"I know, but until he realizes that losing part of his leg doesn't change who he is and how we feel about him, he won't accept our love.” She pointed at her chest. “My love."
"But you can't just give up on him. He needs you too much right now."
"I'm not giving up on him." Grace dried her tears with her sleeve. "But I can't force him to love me. Not while he's struggling to love himself." She pushed away from the wall. "Go spend time with your son."
"What are you going to do?"
"I don't know yet." She took two steps then turned back.
"I'm going to go back to Fischer House and think.
I need to figure out how to let Damon know I will always be here for him.
" She gave Charity a smile of assurance.
"Don't worry, I won’t desert you. I'll stay with you until you're ready to go home or until Steven and Matt come. "
Charity pulled her into an embrace. "Sweet girl. I'm not sure my son deserves you."
"Yes, he does," Grace said with a tight chuckle. "He just needs to remember that."
Charity put a hand on Grace's cheek after releasing her. "It's going to be okay. You guys will work this out."
"I hope so." Grace blinked back more tears. "Listen, don't tell anyone in the family please. I don't want anyone to judge Damon for breaking up with me. He needs to feel their full love and support, not criticize him for going through an identity crisis."
At least that's what she hoped his brothers and cousins would think if they knew he’d broken up with her. She hated to think the family that had accepted her as part of their own would support Damon dumping her.
She wished she’d told him about her baby a long time ago. She hated having the guilt of that hanging over her head while she tried to convince Damon to give them a chance.
She needed to stop living in fear of being rejected. Damon said she deserved someone better, but until she was able to overcome her own doubts and fears, she didn’t deserve him.