Chapter 20
Gabe was surprised to find Grace alone on the church pew the next morning. He was late, but only by a few minutes. He ended up oversleeping after tossing and turning most of the night, trying to get the hurt on Paige's face out of his mind.
She'd pretended him telling her not to get her hopes up didn't hurt, but he’d seen the pain and disappointment in her eyes. He hated himself for hurting her, but it was best to do it now than wait until she'd fallen in love with him, like he had her.
Keeping his gaze on the pulpit, he leaned toward Grace and whispered, "Where's Mom?"
"She wasn't feeling well this morning."
Had cooking and playing games yesterday been too much for her?
He frowned as he looked at Grace. "What's wrong with her?"
"Nauseous and dizzy. She said she threw up in the middle of the night."
"Does she have a fever?"
"I don't know." When Gabe scowled at her, she said, "I don't think so. She didn't look flushed or anything."
The old lady in front of them shot a dirty look over her shoulder, but Gabe was unfazed. Had Mom been exposed to the flu somewhere?
He leaned toward Grace again. "Why didn't you stay home with her?"
"To watch her sleep?" Sarcasm filled her voice, which only deepened his frown. She let out sigh. "I offered to stay home, but Mom insisted I come to church. She said she planned to rest all day."
"Did you at least make sure she had something to eat?" Gabe hated how helpless he felt.
"Of course I did." It was Grace's turn to scowl at him. "I left some herbal tea and toast by her bed. Not that she'll eat it.” Worry lines filled her face. “Yesterday before you and Paige arrived, she complained of pain in her chest and said she felt short of breath."
The lady in front of them turned and shushed them with a finger to her lips as though they were children.
Gabe lapsed into silence. Not because he felt bad about talking during the service, but because his mind raced a hundred miles-per-hour. This was more serious than the flu.
He reviewed in his mind the symptoms of late-stage pancreatic cancer he'd researched after his mom was diagnosed.
Sleepiness; check. Mom had been suffering exhaustion for months.
Loss of appetite and stomach pain; check.
She ate very little nowadays. That's why he was so surprised she'd vomited.
But she shouldn't be experiencing dizziness or shortness of breath and chest pains yet.
Unless the cancer is progressing much faster than Dr. Sumner predicted.
Gabe's stomach hardened as a chill swept over him. He propped his elbows on his knees and shoved his fingers into his hair. It had only been three weeks since her diagnosis. Wasn't the medicine she took supposed to slow the growth of the cancer?
I can't lose her yet. I'm not ready.
He spent the rest of the hour-long service praying—no, begging and pleading—for a little more time with his mom. Eventually his prayers turned to asking the Lord to help him accept His plan and being able to cope without his mother.
When the service ended, he shot to his feet. "I'll meet you at home." Grace barely had a chance to say okay before he was out the door, having stepped on a few toes in his haste.
When he reached the house, he hurried inside and down the hall to his mom’s room. He knocked softly on the door then opened it a crack without waiting for an answer. Spotting her in bed, he opened it wider and stepped inside. He watched her for a moment.
The rise and fall of the blankets eased his mind, but he took in the dark shadows around her eyes and the hollows of her cheeks that had become more pronounced over the past few weeks.
Please Lord, just a little more time.
More time than what? The thought entered his mind as though spoken aloud behind him.
Gabe spun around, half expecting Grace to be there. But she wasn't.
More time than what?
He repeated the question in his mind as he continued to watch his mom sleep. He'd had an additional twelve years with her after she beat breast cancer. Gabe should be happy for that, but it wasn't enough.
Dr. Sumner had said three to six months, maybe even as long as fifteen. Even if Mom lasted that long, it still wouldn't be enough. As her cancer progressed and her condition worsened, he'd feel guilty begging God to prolong her life for his own selfish purposes. But he couldn't bear to let her go.
He recalled how sick she was when she went through chemotherapy. He'd often wished he could take that pain and sickness from her for a while. But he couldn't. Just like he couldn't take this from her.
"Gabe," Grace whispered behind him, making him jump. "What are you doing?"
How did he tell his sister that he was grieving the loss of their mom, even though she was still with them?
"Just checking on her," he finally said.
"She looks less flushed now than she did earlier." She paused for a moment before adding, "And peaceful."
Gabe nodded. Mom did look peaceful, but he knew there would come a time when she wouldn't be able to rest unless she was on heavy pain meds.
"What are you two whispering about?" Mom's voice rasped as she lifted her head.
"We're just checking on you." Gabe crouched by her bed. "How are you feeling?"
"Tired, as usual." She tried to clear her gravelly voice. "And thirsty."
She propped up on her elbow and reached for the almost empty glass of water on her bedside table that sat beside her untouched toast and cold tea.
Gabe grabbed it before she could. "Here, let me get you some fresh water.
" He hurried to the master bath. His gaze wandered over the counter as he filled the glass, spotting multiple prescription bottles.
He picked one up, recognizing the common NSAID prescribed for pain.
Cold water spilled over his hand as he grabbed the next bottle.
He shut off the water and dried his hand before picking up the second bottle again.
It was one of the medicines meant to slow the growth of the cancer.
He pulled his phone from his pocket to look up side effects for the drug.
Nausea, dizziness, stomach pain, shortness of breath, chest pain, dry mouth, mouth sores, plus a host of others.
Gabe’s stomach plummeted. The medicine meant to buy Mom a little more time was making her sicker.
He picked up the glass of water and carried it and the pill bottle to the bedroom. He waited for his mother, who now sat up to take a lengthy drink, before he crouched by the bed again and held out the bottle. "Have you been taking these pills, Mom?"
Confusion filled her face. "Yes, along with the other ones Dr. Sumner prescribed."
"Grace said you experienced some chest pains and shortness of breath yesterday."
"Yes, most of the day."
"Have you developed sores in your mouth?"
She sighed and nodded. "Crunchy and spicy foods have become almost impossible to eat."
Dread twisted in Gabe's gut.
"You didn't tell me you had sores in your mouth." Grace's voice was accusatory.
Gabe wanted to tell her to cool it, but the look he shot her was apologetic instead. He sucked in a deep, steadying breath. "Mom, I think you should stop taking these pills."
"What?" Grace's outburst didn't surprise him. "She can't stop. They're supposed to slow the growth of the cancer and give her more time." Her voice broke on the last word.
"I know, Gracie, but they're making her miserable."
"What do you mean?"
He handed her his phone with the list of side effects. "And that's just this medicine. I haven't looked up the other one yet."
Her frown deepened as she skimmed over the words on the screen. Tears filled her eyes. "But if she doesn't take them…"
Gabe didn't bother to finish her sentence. He didn't need to. They all knew what would happen if mom stopped taking the medicines.
Mom beckoned for Grace to come closer. When she dropped to her knees beside Gabe, Mom took each of their hands.
Her gaze jumped back and forth between them.
"I would do anything for the two of you.
I hope you know that." When they both nodded, she went on.
"I don't like the way these medicines make me feel, but if you need that time, I’ll take them for you.
I don't need more time to know how blessed I've been to be your mother and to remember the wonderful times we've had together, but if you need that time, I'll take them as long as you want me to. "
Gabe swallowed several times to force the lump of emotion from his throat. Grace sniffled and wiped at the tears streaming down her cheeks.
Gabe found his voice first, gravelly as it was. "We're not ready to say goodbye yet, Mom. Let me talk to Dr. Sumner to see if there are other options with lesser side effects." He swallowed hard again. "But for now, I think you should stop taking these." He shook the pill bottle.
Mom looked to Grace for agreement. It was several long moments before his sister nodded.
"Okay, I'll stop taking them, but we’ll call Dr. Sumner tomorrow.
" Mom dried Gracie's tears with a tissue from the box on her nightstand.
"I’m not giving up. I promise you both, I'm going to fight for as long as I can.
" Then she stood and stretched. "I think I'm actually hungry for a change. What should we have for lunch?"
"Enchiladas?" Grace suggested, needing the comfort food.
Gabe got to his feet. "No, if she's got sores in her mouth, it needs to be something mild."
Mom's lips turned up. "Mashed potatoes sound good."
"The cheesy, creamy kind?" Grace's own lips quirked.
"With garlic," Gabe added.
"Okay, now I'm really hungry, but I need a shower first." Mom made a shooing motion with her hands. "You guys get started on lunch, and I'll be out in a bit."
He and Grace made their way to the kitchen and set to work peeling potatoes, a somber mood hanging over them.
Grace spoke first. "Do you think there's another medicine that will be effective in slowing down the cancer but won't make her so sick?"