Chapter 21
Ispend a long time at the hospital. For some reason, I simply can’t bring myself to leave. Chloe seems genuinely okay with the fact her lower body might never work again. Her mom and sister look like they want to sob their eyes out but they don’t. So I don’t either.
The tears fall as soon as I get in the passenger seat of Willa. Reid rubs my back in slow circles. It feels good until I remember I’m trying to keep my distance from him. We drive back to the track in silence. When we’re about five minutes out, he lets me know the boys won’t be racing today.
They moved the men’s main event to tomorrow morning out of respect for Chloe and her family. I’m shocked they did that, but I’m glad.
At the track, Reid isn’t getting out of the van. “Addie, are you gonna to be okay to drive to the campsite?” His voice is shaky.
“Yeah, I’m good.” The passenger door slams behind me. I’m most certainly not good, but it feels like I have to be if Chloe is holding it together so well.
He looks like he doesn’t believe me. He’s still sitting in the drivers seat. While I’m waiting for him to get out, Callum walks over. “Addie,” he says and pulls me into a hug. It surprises me how good it feels.
“How is she?”
I’m not sure if Callum and Chloe have ever talked, but he looks genuinely concerned.
The words taste funny. “She seems okay honestly. There’s a very good chance she’ll never be able to walk again, but she seems oddly at peace with that.”
Callum nods as if it makes sense to him. I’m not sure how it possibly could.
“So, a bunch of us are going to go drive to this hot spring tonight. It’s kind of far, but I feel like we all need a restful night after today. A distraction from everything with Chloe.”
It feels wrong to distract myself from something so horrible. If Chloe has to endure it, shouldn’t I at least bear witness to it? But my therapist says I need to stop punishing myself all the time, so I find it in me to reply, “How far?”
“About two hours each way. But it’ll be worth it! I’ll drive.”
Reid has finally peeled himself out of my driver’s seat, and he puffs his chest out a little bit. He’s staking his claim on Willa or something. Too bad—I make it known he doesn’t have a stake on anything. “Callum, can you drive Willa? I want to be able to shower and stuff.”
The idea of him being in my van makes me nauseous, but I need any and all comfort right now. He looks unsure of himself. “Uh, yeah, sure.”
Callum glances towards Reid like he needs his approval or something. So I wrap my hand around his bicep just to show Reid who I’m choosing tonight. Maybe a road trip will be good for Callum and I. We haven’t exactly had a whole lot of alone time to get to know each other.
Thankfully, Reid and I drove here separately this morning, so he heads off to his own van alone, and Callum shouts after him, “I’ll text you the location, man.”
Reid nods in approval, and my eyes can’t stop watching him walk away. I open the side door for Callum and proceed with the tour. “So here is the kitchen. It’s very small. Everything is very small.”
“This is way nicer than I expected it to be.”
I’m not sure if it’s supposed to be a backhanded compliment, but I let it roll off of me anyways. “I spent a lot of time designing it.”
When we get to the shower, his mouth is agape. “This is fucking sick.”
“I agree.” A bit of pride shines through my words.
The bikes are still covered in mud—we tossed them back here as fast as possible so we could get to the hospital.
I should insist we wash them right now, but I’ll put it off until it’s time to shower later—and I will be showering before we leave—I love a hot spring, but I cannot suffer through two hours of driving with that sulfur smell.
We’re standing there in my makeshift shower when it hits me how intimate this excursion is going to be.
“Do you want a coffee or a snack before we drive?”
“Sure.”
I make my usual latte, and I make him an Americano at his request. He’s shifting the seat around, and my heart clenches seeing another man in that driver’s seat. But I sit down next to him anyway and smile broadly, even though all I’m thinking about is Chloe lying in that cold bed.
The drive takes forever. You’d think after months on the road, two hours would feel like nothing, but it still feels exactly like two hours, if not more.
I’m so tempted to go take a nap in the back of Willa, but that’s not exactly safe, so I sit in heavy silence while Callum drives, focusing myself on the beats of whatever song is playing so I don’t start crying.
He tries to spark a conversation with me a few times, but I can’t manage it. At one point, he rests his hand on my knee, and it takes everything in me not to move away. It’s not him, it’s everything else.
The trail head is teeming with rowdy bikers. Reid is already here, of course he beat us. I always tell him he drives too fast, so he usually slows down whenever we’re in the car together. When he’s alone, he drives like he bikes—recklessly. I’m relieved to see him in one piece.
Everyone is standing in a semi circle, passing around a joint.
I’m shocked there’s only one. Usually, there’s at least three at any given time at one of these get-togethers.
I’m usually the one to refrain, but tonight I’m partaking.
Callum already told me he would stay sober so he can drive us back.
We make our way over to the group, and Reid looks me up and down.
I change before we drive off, but I still look flustered. If the healing properties of hot springs are even somewhat true, I need them to pull through tonight. Chloe insisted she was glad I completed my run, but I still feel immense guilt about it.
Callum helps me down out of the van, but doesn’t let go of my hand right away. I tug my fingers free from his as casually as I can.
It’s a short hike up to the hot springs.
The sky is a deep display of fading sherbet, barely casting enough light for me to see where I’m stepping.
Reid and Callum are walking behind me, and when I stumble over a loose rock, they both reach out to catch me.
I brush them both off and keep climbing.
There’s a steady flow of conversation buzzing in my ears, but I don’t register any of it.
I shouldn’t have come.
The sound of Callum’s voice pulls me back to reality briefly. “Watch that step right there.”
I register the meaning of his words too late and trip over the exact rock he tried to point out.
He lifts me off the ground, and I let him hang onto my hand this time.
I need all the help I can get to avoid rolling my ankle again.
My brain keeps replaying the image of Chloe’s mom, solemn and broken—I can’t focus on the trail.
The guys don’t appear to share in my remorse. Instead, they’re all talking about the competition tomorrow morning, and how they got lucky going second this time. Reid and Callum are the only two not bragging about their advantage in getting an extra day.
Finally, the trail levels out and the forest opens up to a small lagoon.
It’s a lot smaller than I expected. There are about fifteen of us, and I’m not sure how we’re all going to fit.
I start to strip off my clothes so I can be one of the first to enter.
That way I don’t have to awkwardly squeeze my way in.
Hot steam licks up my legs, and I wince. It’s deliciously hot and exactly what I need. The sulfur smell is sticking in my nose, but this heat is worth it. The warmth is all consuming, and it seeps into my bones. My shoulders melt down and there’s finally space between my ears and my arms.
That newfound space closes right up when Callum brings up Chloe. “So, are you two close?”
Air gets stuck in my throat and I cough. “We, uh, used to be.”
“Oh, I thought you guys seemed like good friends.”
“Chloe is a good friend. I’ve been a little neglectful lately.”
He lets out a “hmm,” and I wonder if he thinks I’m as shitty as I do.
The joint from earlier is starting to spread through my body too.
My arms are limp and my tongue is getting dryer by the second.
Someone carried up a cooler full of lemonade, and to my satisfaction, there’s an alcohol free one.
An audible moan escapes my lips, and Callum seems to think it’s hilarious. “What are you looking at?”
I sit up so I can fully experience his reply. “You’re really enjoying that lemonade.”
With a splash, I get closer and hand him the lemonade to try. “It’s divine. The way the citrus is offset by the sweetness, but it’s not too sweet.” I lick my lips.
He cuts off my flavor monologue after he takes a careful sip. “Hmm…it’s good, but I’m pretty sure that’s your high speaking.”
I close my eyes and let my head fall back against the rock behind me. This is a primitive hot spring, my favorite kind. There are no paid passes, just a jagged hike and the potential for bears. It makes me feel alive, and I’m extra grateful for that tonight.
In honor of that gratitude, I let my leg fall against Callum’s, and he leans in a little too. The heat starts spreading to my core, and I imagine what it would be like if he and I were the only two people here right now. It looks like he’s thinking the same thing.
He brings his head down closer to my face and whispers in my ear, “I want to kiss you.”
His stubble tickles my ear, and I barely contain a giggle as I tilt my body up to whisper in his ear, “So, why don’t you?”
I don’t know when I became so forward…I’m blaming the weed. But it feels good, thrilling in a way not so dissimilar to biking. I force myself to hang onto that feeling of being alive and keep leaning in.
He shakes his head like he’s trying to convince himself to kiss me, and he looks briefly across to the other side of the pool. I follow his gaze—he’s looking at Reid. “I can’t kiss you in front of all these people. Not the way I want to, at least.”