Chapter 10
Work dragged as Paisley tried to stay focused. She noticed that ever since Kydrick was released from prison, her passion for her career fell completely by the wayside.
She clicked around on her computer absentmindedly, giving the illusion that she was working. Really, her mind wandered to Kydrick and their last conversation. That had been two weeks ago, and she hadn’t seen him since.
The war that waged within her was excruciating. She understood Kydrick better than he probably realized. Everything was happening really fast for her, too, and she didn’t know how to navigate this new world where Kydrick was free. The difference between them was she wanted to lean into her feelings and desires, and he wanted to run away from them, which brought her to the flip side of this equation. She was pissed off. Not only with him but herself. Over the years, she formed her entire life to revolve around Kydrick and his needs. Now that he was out, she knew the pressure she put on him was too much, but how could she pull away? How could anyone ask her to all of a sudden stop fighting so hard for him? It was all she knew, but she understood the error in her ways.
With a deep sigh, she tried for the millionth time to get Kydrick out of her head. She desperately needed to find something new to focus on because Kydrick was out, and work no longer held any weight for her. In a matter of a couple of weeks, her life had turned upside down and not in a good way. She’d never been depressed before, probably because she always had a goal to strive for that kept her busy. Even after Kydrick was arrested, she never allowed depression to take over because getting him out was top priority. Now, she felt it tugging at her, trying to pull her under.
Tears welled in her eyes, but before any could fall, someone knocked on her office door before opening it. Steven poked his head into the room, causing Paisley to roll her watery eyes, wondering if the day could get any worse.
“How can I help you, Steven?”
He grinned at her, oblivious to the tears struggling to release from her eyes and unaware of the sadness that resided within the space.
“I came to invite you to dinner tonight. It’s been a few weeks, and my patience is running thin, Ms. Whitaker.”
Irritation swelled within her. Since Steven wanted to interrupt her sorting through her emotions, she decided he could be on the receiving end of her foul mood. Crossing her arms over her chest, she narrowed her eyes at him.
“I’m not going to dinner with you.”
His brow rose as he closed the door behind him and then leaned against it, mimicking her and crossing his arms over his chest.
“Fine. Lunch tomorrow, then.”
Paisley shook her head and then tiredly, as if she realized this fight was not one she really wanted a part in, she said, “I’m not going on a date with you period. It wouldn’t be fair to you. I’m not into you in the way you want me to be.”
“We had a deal, Paisley. You owe me a date.”
“I don’t care about a stupid deal. I’m not going on a date with you,” she snapped, some of that fire returning. Steven had a lot of nerve exploiting his employee for a date.
He stared at her in amusement for several moments before taking a step toward her, shoving his hands into the pockets of his slacks.
“Is that your final decision?” She nodded, standing her ground. Seven’s smile widened as he closed the rest of the distance to her desk. Leaning his hands down on the sleek surface, he muttered, “Then pack your shit and get out.”
Paisley reared back. “What?”
He straightened, smoothing down his tie. “You heard me. You’re of no use to me, so you can leave.”
“You’re firing me?”
His shit-eating grin made her sick. “I sure am.”
Paisley stood quickly with fire in her eyes. “You can’t do that. That’s illegal.”
“You don’t think I know that? The beauty in it is it’ll be my word against yours. You want to take me to court? Go ahead, but I personally know the judges in this jurisdiction. You’ll never win. It’ll be a waste of your time and money. I suggest you pack your shit quietly and go home to your convict without making a scene.”
He turned to walk out of the office without caring to hear her response, but when she shouted, “You’re such a bitch!” he turned to face her with his grin still on his face.
“Maybe, but at least I got a job.”
Tears streamed down her face as she watched him walk out of her office. She had been wrong. The day definitely could have gotten worse, and it did.
Paisley’s heart rate picked up when she saw a familiar Jeep sitting in the driveway, but then it dropped when she saw the totes stuffed into the back.
She took her time parking, knowing her shitty day wasn’t over just yet. A part of her hoped that she and Kydrick could sort things out. For some reason, him actually moving out made her feel like a nail in the coffin that held their friendship. She wasn’t sure why. They had withstood decades of hardships. Why would this change anything? But the truth was, things had already changed. They were already different. She saw something in Kydrick that he had yet to see in himself, and she couldn’t try to force it. That was her lesson in all this. She had to allow him to form his own path. It was no longer her job to fix him or his life.
Not caring to grab the boxes from her trunk with the stuff from her office, she exited the car and slowly walked up the driveway.
Inside, Kydrick was walking down the stairs with a box in his hands. He froze when he spotted her, while she stood just inside the doorway.
Finally, he trudged down the last couple of steps and placed the box down next to the steps. His eyes pierced her, causing emotion to ricochet through her.
“What’s wrong?” he asked, breaking the silence.
Her jaw clenched stubbornly. She didn’t want to respond out of fear of crying, and she knew he could tell. He could always tell. There wasn’t a person on this planet who knew her better than him. The only sign of irritation that she ignored him was his jaw ticking before he opened his arms up for her.
“Come here.”
And she did. She walked right into his strong arms because there was nowhere she would rather be, but it was bittersweet. Somewhere inside her, she knew this hug would be the end of their life-long friendship and the start of something new—something uncertain.
She clung to him, allowing silent tears to fall. Her life was in shambles, and she wasn’t sure what her next move would be. Suddenly, Janelle’s words came back to her.
Take a vacation or… I don’t know. Just do something for you. We all see how hard you push for everyone around you. You’re an amazing person to know… but it would be nice to see you going just as hard for yourself. Take care of yourself.
She never considered taking care of herself outside of the basics. It wasn’t until this very moment, where she knew she was on the brink of losing everything she’d worked so hard for, that she realized she needed to stop putting everyone else above herself. This hug signified the death of the old Paisley. No longer would she put this wonderful man above herself. It pained her to think that way, but something deep down inside her knew this was the change she needed to make in order to see happier moments.
“Tell me what’s wrong,” Kydrick finally muttered.
Paisley sniffled, wiped her eyes, and then pulled away from him, looking down at the floor.
“Got fired.”
It was the only thing she felt comfortable speaking on at the moment. There was so much more wrong. Fuck the job. She could get another one. She would worry about that later, but Kydrick didn’t need to understand the other emotions swimming around inside her. She would keep those tucked away tightly and only allow them free when he left.
His warm hand on her cheek almost had her sliding down the nearest wall, but she kept it together and allowed herself to lean into him briefly before she met his eyes.
“What happened?”
She shrugged. “I refused to go on a date with Steven.”
Kydrick’s brows pulled together, and a scowl formed on his face. “So he fired you?” She nodded. “That don’t sound legal.”
“It’s not.” She sighed and then walked into the living room, desperate to sit down and curl up into a ball.
Kydrick followed right behind her, and he sat next to her on the couch, pulling her feet into his lap and massaging them. He didn’t speak. He knew her well enough to know she would speak when she was ready, and she did.
“It’s honestly a fight I don’t care to indulge in.”
“Why? He cost you your job. That don’t seem fair to me.”
“It might not be fair, but I think it’s what’s best, Kyd. You know the reason I got into law in the first place.”
His jaw clenched, and he nodded before uttering, “For me.”
“Right. I never loved it. I did it so I could give you a fighting chance. Since you’ve been home, I haven’t really given that job another thought. My heart was no longer in it anyway, and I have more than enough money to live off of until I figure out my next move.”
Kydrick’s thumb grazed the gold ankle bracelet she had on as he rubbed her feet and he smiled.
“Maybe you can get back into jewelry design.”
Paisley sighed and gently pulled her feet from his grasp and tucked them under her.
“Maybe. So… you’re leaving?”
Kydrick looked out the window at his Jeep that was filled with the clothes and other items she bought him. His eyes found hers again before he nodded. “I think it’s best, Pooh. I found a nice spot not too far from here. Can you believe I finally got my own shit?”
Paisley saw the excitement dancing in his eyes, and underneath her sadness, she felt joy for him too. Pride swelled within her, solidifying this transition their relationship was going through.
“I’m proud of you,” she whispered.
He looked into her eyes for several seconds as if he was looking for something. “You know I’m not leaving you, right?”
She smiled sadly and patted his hand, which now rested on the couch between them. “You are, but it’s okay. I promise I understand.”
“I’m not, though. You think I can leave you? You’re the most important person to me.”
She shook her head. “It isn’t that simple.”
“Why can’t it be?”
“Because I can’t keep putting my feelings to the side, Kydrick. I love you. I have wanted to know what it’s like to be your woman since before I was even a woman. I can’t keep putting my feelings on hold for everyone else. I can’t keep doing this to myself. I can’t…”
“You can’t what?”
“I can’t continue to be your friend and pretend like you aren’t the love of my life.” A tear slipped out of her eye.
Kydrick let out a long breath and ran a hand down his face in frustration. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this, man.”
“I think we both know better than anyone that life doesn’t really care about the plans we make. God always has the final say.”
Kydrick turned to her completely, grabbing both her hands and staring intently into her eyes.
“This isn’t the final say.”
When she tried pulling away with a rebuttal to his words, he held her tighter and forced her to look at him again.
“No. Listen to me. I need time. I can’t deny myself that, Paisley. I need to learn how to be a man in the free world. I have to. Even if you don’t understand it, this is not the end. It’s not.”
Tears now gathered in his eyes, breaking Paisley’s heart. She’d rarely seen Kydrick cry. After everything he’d been through, seeing him tear up because of her did something to her. It made her want to make things better for him, like she always did, but she refrained. She’d been serious about putting herself first, and she knew this was the start of standing on that.
“If you say so,” she replied, not fully convinced.
To her, it felt like the end. It felt like the hardest thing she ever had to do—stand on business when it came to Kydrick. She promised herself that she would push through no matter what.
He rubbed her cheek, collecting another one of her free-falling tears with the pad of his thumb.
“You have to understand that I’m no good for you right now.”
She pulled out of his grasp this time and glared at him. “Stop saying that stupid shit. It’s not true. I would have been with you before you had a car or a place of your own or a penny to your name, back when we were just kids. What makes this so different? You are all I’ve ever wanted, and you thinking that isn’t good enough, that you aren’t good enough, pisses me off. You are everything . You are the stars, the moon, and the sun. You are the air I breathe. You have kept me going for as long as I can remember. It breaks my heart that you can’t see that.”
“Maybe that’s the problem,” he whispered, a tear slipping out of his eye. “I’m all you see, and in my eyes, that’s not good enough. I want it to be, though, and that’s why I need to leave.” He chuckled sadly. “Do you want to know why I went to go see Janelle? It was so I could make sure I was no longer in love with her. I needed to speak to her privately and see if there was anything there. When we met at that restaurant, I realized there never was anything there. It was always you, Paisley, and deep down, I knew that. Janelle did too. We both agreed that we should have stayed friends, and you and I should have been the ones to date back then. I would have never made that first move, though.”
“Why?” Paisley had started to wonder if there was something wrong with her. Why would he choose Janelle all those years ago knowing deep down he wanted her?
Kydrick slid down onto his knees and in between her legs, so she had nowhere else to look. He wanted his words to resonate with her in the worst way. Their eyes held each other as he spoke.
“Because you were always too good for me. You were the best of the three of us. Neither me nor Janelle deserved you. That’s what me and Janelle spoke about when we went to lunch, and that is why I was able to forgive her so easily. She and I were never meant to be. It was always us, so like I said, this is not the end. If you can’t be my friend while I figure this shit out, I won’t be selfish anymore. I won’t hold you so closely out of fear that you’ll slip away and realize I’m no good for you.
“But I’ll pray every night for our reunion. I’ll dream every night of the day that I get to be back between your legs, my new safe space. I’ll pray for you. I’ll crave your presence every second that we’re apart. When I feel like I’m good enough, like I have the world to offer you, Paisley, I’m coming back for you. Do you hear me? I’m coming for you, and I’m not letting up. When I come back, I’ll apply all the pressure, and I’ll give myself to you wholly. When I come back, I’ll make you my wife.”
Tears streamed down her face at his words. She yearned for everything he said, but she felt defeated because in order to get to those moments, he had to leave first. That hurt her the most. She had to endure more time away from him, and she couldn’t agree with that pain. It had been entirely too much on her for most of her life, and she felt tired now. Too weak to keep fighting for their union, all she could do was nod and cry, wishing like hell she could snap her fingers and time jump to happier days.
But she couldn’t. Kydrick needed to do some soul searching, and clearly, so did she. For now, their time was up, and they both knew it too. For a moment, she wondered if she would be able to continue being his friend, but then she remembered the love they made. She remembered how large her love was for him, and she knew she wouldn’t be able to contain it while in his presence.
Kydrick placed his forehead to hers, and they allowed themselves a moment to shed their final tears together before he tenderly kissed her on her lips.
“I love you, Paisley. Don’t forget that. I need you to live, baby. Please, make yourself happy and make yourself proud.” He stood up and pulled her with him, hugging her to his chest. “And you know if you need anything, you just have to call.”
She wanted to tell him the same went for him, but she didn’t. She couldn’t. She had to stop overextending herself to him until he could do the same for her. Instead, she murmured, “I know.”
He pulled away and looked down at her. Tears still danced in his eyes. “I left a check on the kitchen counter for you to cover everything you’ve done for me. It’s not nearly enough, but it’s my start.”
She opened her mouth to argue, but he dipped his head down and kissed her passionately.
“Just take the check, baby. Do something nice for yourself on me. I love you, and I’ll be back. Just give me some time.” He pecked her lips once again then her forehead before he separated from her. She saw the emotion in his eyes and knew this was no easier for him than it was for her, but they were doing a great job of respecting each other’s boundaries at least.
She watched as he walked back to the stairs and grabbed his last box before walking out of the house. Slowly, she walked over to the door and watched him put the box into his Jeep before he got in. He waved sadly before starting the car and pulling out of the driveway.
Paisley stood there far too long, watching the empty street, before she slowly closed the door. Then and only then did she allow herself to come completely undone.