Chapter 9
Pride swelled within Kydrick’s chest as he looked out the large bay window in the living room. His brand new Jeep sat in the driveway on the side Paisley never parked on. He’d left work early to go buy it, and he was happy he did. It hadn’t been in his plans when he woke up that morning, but the more he thought about his argument with Paisley the night before, the more he realized how much they leaned on each other, and it wasn’t in a healthy way. Buying his own vehicle was the first step in creating healthier habits between them. Kydrick had to prove to himself and everyone else that he could stand on his own two feet.
“Thank you, Mama and Pops,” he muttered up at the ceiling. Their money had allowed him this first step toward independence and stability, something he’d craved for years now.
The sound of the garage opening halted his thoughts as his gaze focused back outside. He saw Paisley easing her vehicle into the garage, and his heart rate picked up a little. Over the years, he trained himself to not only not show his emotions but to not have any altogether. Paisley had always been that exception, and right now was no different. He desperately wanted to play things cool, but his body reacted to the thought of her, making him feel antsy.
Their argument the night before had been on his mind since it happened. The moment he made the comment about him not needing to run things by her, he wished he could take it back. While they both knew the statement was valid, it didn’t need to be said like that and definitely not in that context. The truth was that Paisley had every right to know what was going on between him and Janelle, which was absolutely nothing. Paisley had the right to have the world at her feet, and that had been his plan when he got out. Here he was fucking up royally. Not only did he take his jumbled up feelings out on her, he added more confusion to their relationship by having sex with her.
He didn’t regret their lovemaking one bit… He never would regret that. It had been the best moment in his life, but it didn’t mean it wasn’t a mistake. He’d dreamed of being intimate with Paisley many times, but when he fantasized about it, he always pictured himself as stable and mentally and emotionally healthy. He was none of those things, and he definitely wasn’t ready to nurture a romantic relationship between him and Paisley at the moment. Still, he didn’t want to lose her. He felt like he was caught between a rock and a hard place, and he didn’t know how to wiggle his way out without coming off like an ass.
When the door opened, Kydrick stood to meet Paisley at the door. He knew one thing, he definitely wasn’t going to go another night without speaking to her.
Paisley appeared in the living room before he could make it out, and they both froze when their eyes landed on each other.
She cleared her throat and spoke first. “Nice car. Is it yours?”
The smile that spread across Kydrick’s face couldn’t be stopped. “Yeah, I left work early and bought it.”
“I’m happy for you,” she muttered with a soft smile playing on her glossed lips.
“Thanks.”
They stood in an awkward silence for several seconds before they both spoke at the same time.
“I just saw?—”
“I wanted to talk?—”
“You go first,” Paisley said after they chuckled awkwardly.
“Nah, ladies first.”
She sighed and walked over to the couch, plopping down. It was then that Kydrick realized her eyes seemed puffy and red. He slowly walked over to her and sat down. Reaching a hand out, he placed his hand to her face and ginned when she leaned into him.
“I hope those tears weren’t for me.”
She shook her head while still leaning into him. “No. I mean, not really. Kinda. I guess, but not really. I… I went to see Janelle.”
Kydrick’s eyebrows rose damn near to his crisp hairline. Out of all the things he thought she might have said, that was never one that crossed his mind. Janelle had been a touchy subject for them since she cheated on Kydrick.
He placed a hand on her back and absentmindedly rubbed it. “What happened?”
Paisley looked at him with tears in her eyes. “Honestly? We were able to get a lot of shit out. I knew I was angry with her. I knew I didn’t like her, but I didn’t realize how much that anger and hate weighed me down. I feel lighter.”
Kydrick blew out a lengthy breath. “I wasn’t expecting that. You sure you’re okay?”
Paisley nodded absentmindedly before glancing at him. “I realized something else.”
“What’s that?”
“All three of us were so close, but we kept so much from one another. I’m tired of that. A lot of this could have been avoided with simple conversations, and I think we need to start correcting that behavior.” She took in a breath and turned to look at him in the eyes. “I have feelings for you, Kyd. I have for a very long time. Since before you and Janelle started dating, and I’ve held that in this whole time.
“I know by now everyone can tell that I have feelings for you, but it’s still new for me to admit them out loud, and honestly, when I saw you and Janelle at that restaurant, I felt like I was left out of some big secret once again. You can’t imagine how crushed I was when you two told me you were dating. I felt blindsided just like I did the other day. That’s why I overreacted.
“And to tell the full truth, I feel like I’ve been the one standing by you this entire time. It’s been me working my ass off for you, and I would do it a million times over because I care so deeply about you. For you to go behind my back as my friend and see her, the woman who abandoned us both when shit got hard… it felt like a slap in the face. So there. That’s the gist of my feelings, and this is me opening the door for a more transparent relationship between us because I can’t lose you too, not when I finally got you.”
She grabbed onto Kydrick’s hand. A couple of tears fell from her eyes. Her admission had Kydrick’s heart doing a funny dance in his chest. So much hope lived in her eyes, and he didn’t want to snatch that away from her. He had to be honest, though.
“I’m going to say this, Pooh, and I need you to listen to me, okay?” Another tear fell from her eye, almost as if she knew what he was going to say wouldn’t be what she wanted to hear. “You’re it for me. You hear me?” She nodded, but he shook his head. “Tell me you understand.”
“I understand,” she whispered.
“Good girl.” He let go of one of her hands and placed his on her cheek. “I want to grow old with you. I want to grow this friendship into much, much more. You deserve the universe at your feet. Everything you have done for me… I can never thank you enough. I can never repay you.
“I want to be with you, but it’s not because of what you’ve done for me. It’s not because you’re familiar or because I’m comfortable with you. It’s because I have watched you grow into the most amazing person I have ever met. I need you to know that.”
“But?” she muttered, looking down at her lap.
Kydrick used the hand that still rested on her cheek and lifted her chin.
“But… I can’t be in a relationship right now.”
Paisley’s shoulders fell. After a moment of silence, she whispered, “Okay.”
“And I think I need to get my own place.”
Her head snapped up at that. “What? No, Kyd. You don’t have to get your own place. I’m not kicking you out.”
“I know you aren’t, but I think it’s best. I don’t want to keep sending you mixed signals, and I don’t want to hurt you because I’m not ready. Just a couple of weeks ago, I thought I would be spending the rest of my life in prison. Everything is happening so fast, and I just need some time. Can you give me that?”
Paisley slowly stood, a couple of tears trickling down her face, and she looked down at him. “You know I always give you everything you want, Kydrick, so do what you gotta do. I’m going to go lay down.”
“I’ll stay in a hotel tonight to give you some space.”
Paisley waved her hand in response but didn’t turn around or slow her stride. Kydrick’s heart ached as he clenched his jaw to stop his own emotions from flooding over. He knew he hurt her, but if he couldn’t be honest now, he would only end up hurting her more later. He only prayed that she understood that he wasn’t saying no. He was simply saying not right now.
Nerves bounced around Kydrick’s body as he sat in the hotel bar sipping a rum and Coke. The drink burned, and he made a face every time he took a small drink of the concoction. He didn’t have much experience with liquor, but from what he could tell, all of it tasted terrible.
“’Sup, man?”
Kydrick turned, and he nodded as Nasir slid into the seat next to him. With a smooth confidence Kydrick felt he didn’t have, Nasir flagged down the bartender and ordered his drink. When he finished, he turned his smile on Kydrick and clapped him on the back.
“Glad you called, man. I ain’t want to crowd you. I was more than okay with leaving that to the women, but I definitely wanted to get up with you. Can’t believe you’re home. Shit’s surreal.”
Kydrick nodded. He’d called Nasir after he checked into the hotel because he wanted someone to talk to. For obvious reasons, both Janelle and Paisley were no longer an option for him to call on, and he didn’t know many other people. Nasir was the only person he felt could help him out with this particular issue.
When they were younger, they always got along fine. Nasir was older and never really hung around with Paisley and her friends, but he and Kydrick had always been cool.
“’Preciate you for coming, man.”
Nasir watched as Kydrick ran a tired hand down his face before he burst out laughing. “Aw, hell. What my sister do?”
Kydrick looked at Nasir with a scowl. “How you figure she did something?”
“Because I done seen my daddy look just like that behind her. She’s probably the most put together out of me and my siblings, but she’s also the biggest handful.”
“Nah, it ain’t even like that. Paisley ain’t do nothing to me. If anything, I’m the one hurting her,” Kydrick admitted. Guilt settled on his shoulders as he realized how much Paisley put aside to make sure he was okay. Now, here he was, unable to do the same for her. That wasn’t sitting right with him, and he wanted to talk it out with someone so he could gain some clarity on what to do.
The bartender placed Nasir’s drink in front of him, and after Nasir took a sip, he said, “Talk to me. What’s going on? Because I don’t really think you and Paisley have the means to hurt each other.”
Kydrick shook his head as he stared down at his half empty glass. He swirled it a bit and watched the brown liquid rotate in a circle, hypnotizing him as he spoke.
“I just can’t give her what she wants right now, and I don’t think she understands that.”
Nasir remained quiet for a few moments, taking a sip of his drink and allowing his thoughts to settle.
“Paisley’s waited a long time for you. Over the years, she dated casually, but I worried that she would never take anyone seriously because she was always so in love with you.”
Kydrick chuckled. “That’s just common knowledge, huh?”
Hearing Paisley say the words the other night had been everything to him. She had no idea how good it felt, and hearing it again from someone else only solidified that good feeling. He wanted to go to her and bury himself deep inside her like he had a couple of nights ago. He wanted to confess his own love in a way that made her understand that all he saw was her. Instead, he stayed planted in place and took another sip. The look in her eyes from earlier haunted him. It was him. He was making things complicated between them when they really didn’t need to be.
“Have you seen the way she looks at you? I knew since y’all was kids that there was something there. I wish I could find someone to love like that. I’m getting old, and settling down ain’t been sounding all that bad, feel me? I know for a fact Paisley has always wanted a family of her own.”
His words only made Kydrick feel worse. Paisley had waited literal decades for the pieces of their puzzle to finally align, and here he was holding them back.
“I don’t feel like I have anything to offer her. I’ve been trying to get her to understand that, but she doesn’t get it.”
“She won’t.”
Kydrick looked at Nasir. “What you mean? Why won’t she?”
“Because she’s stubborn. All she needs is you. It’s that simple for her. In her eyes, everything else will fall into place, but P ain’t ever been a man. She don’t understand the pressure we were born with. I ain’t gon’ lie; if I was just released from prison after twelve years, I wouldn’t be thinkin’ ’bout no pussy either. Any nigga with a good head on his shoulders would be trying to get his shit together, not worried about getting his dick wet. In my eyes, that speaks to your character, and I respect you that much more for it.”
Kydrick thought about what Nasir just said. He normally didn’t like talking to anyone, especially about things so personal to him, but he felt lost. He wasn’t too prideful that he couldn’t ask for help when he needed it. Nasir was family, so there was a level of comfort that allowed him to open up slightly.
“It don’t feel right disappointing her. Not after everything she’s done for me?—”
“I’m gonna have to stop you right there, bro. You’re doing the right thing. You can’t start a relationship with my sister because you feel like you owe her. Get your shit right, and then step to her. If it’s under any other circumstances, you’ll hurt her for real, and then you gon’ have to see me.”
Kydrick chuckled, but he knew Nasir was dead serious. He never played about his sisters, and if Kydrick ever actually hurt Paisley, he would gladly take that ass whupping. Hurting her, really hurting her, was never an option.
“How do I get her to see that?”
Nasir shook his head and took another sip of his drink.
“You probably won’t. Like I said, she’s hard headed. When she wants something, she fights for it, and if it doesn’t work out how she pictured it, she takes it hard, but she’ll have to get over it. If she can’t see the big picture, then you’ll have to work overtime to keep it in mind and stick to the shit so y’all can be happy in the long run.” Nasir clapped him on the back once again. “Welcome to manhood, bro. Dealing with women and carrying the world on our shoulders. Shit ain’t for the weak.”
Nasir raised his glass, and Kydrick clinked his glass to his, happily finishing off his drink to that.