Chapter 31
CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE
JACE
The cold fall air wraps around me like a cloak as I sit on my back porch, staring out at the yard.
I blow out a breath, numbness prickling the edges of my skin.
I shake my head at myself, the defeat deflating my lungs.
I let Willow walk away. I followed her car down to the street and stood there like an idiot.
She told me she needed me to take the time to figure things out.
And I can’t help but feel like I’ve already let too much time pass.
She never should have had a reason to question what I want.
I swallow hard, my thumb hovering over the call button as the screen of my phone shines brightly from my lap. I used to love how quiet nights are here in the Hollow. Tonight, it feels too quiet. Too heavy. The silence weighs on my chest, pressing against my ribcage.
I haven’t had a real conversation with my mother in a few months. Every call I’ve dodged with a quick text conversation instead. I shouldn’t be afraid to call her right now, but I am.
Once she picks it up, I won’t be able to hide my turmoil. My mother will hear it. She always does.
My chest tightens as my thumb taps the button. Time is momentarily suspended, the heaviness settling around me as I lift my phone to my ear, each ring breaking the stifling silence. It’s not too late. I can hang up before she answers.
The ringing stops and there’s a beat of silence.
“Hello?” My mom answers, her voice soft and hesitant, almost as if she doesn’t believe it’s me.
Swallowing roughly, I close my eyes and blow out the air I’d been holding. “Hi, Mom.”
She sucks in a sharp breath. “Honey…Is it really you?”
Guilt strikes my chest. “Yeah. It’s me.”
“Oh, Jace,” she lets out a quiet laugh. “It’s so good to hear your voice. Are you okay? We’ve been so worried about you.”
“Mom.” I pause to clear the hoarseness from my voice. “I’m okay.”
She lets out a quick exhale, but it’s shaky. “Okay, I’m sorry. I’m just—you haven’t called in months.”
“I know,” I choke out, scrunching my face as I pinch the bridge of my nose between my thumb and forefinger. “I’m sorry. It’s been…rough.”
“It’s okay, honey,” she says softly, her voice like a warm embrace.
Tears prick the corners of my eyes, leaving a burning sensation along my waterline.
“You’ve had a lot of big adjustments in your life this past year.
Much to my dismay, I knew I needed to take a step back to let you figure things out. ”
“I’m sorry for doing that to you. For icing you and dad out.”
“Jace, you don’t have to explain. It wasn’t easy to be hands off, to not try to swoop in and solve your problems for you.”
I swallow roughly over the emotion lodged in my throat. “I just needed to be alone to figure it all out.”
“I know,” she says gently, her voice catching. “We know, honey, and I don’t want you to feel bad about that. I’m just glad you called now.” She pauses for a second. “Are you sure everything’s okay? It has to be close to midnight there.”
“I—” I release my fingers from the bridge of my nose and rake my hand through my hair. “I think I messed up.”
“With what? The last text conversation we had, you said things were going well with the rink and Harrison. Did something change?”
The guilt clamps my throat. I didn’t tell her about Willow.
“Everything is fine with the rink and our partnership.” I tighten my fist in my hair, holding the top of my head. “It’s—um, it’s with Willow.”
She’s silent for a moment. “Willow Alder?” she whispers. “I didn’t know—I didn’t know the two of you were seeing each other.”
The emotion in my throat tightens. “No one did.”
“Oh, Jace...”
Loosening the hold on my hair, I move my hand to grip the back of my neck as I finally open my eyes. “I got scared and tried to push her away, but as soon as she went to leave, I realized I made a mistake.” My chest deflates.
My mother lets out a soft sigh. “And you let her walk away?”
“What was I supposed to do?”
“Fight, maybe?”
I wince and squeeze the back of my neck. “Mom…”
“I mean it, Jace.” Her voice is tender, but there’s a sternness settling in her undertone.
“That girl has loved you since you were little kids. She was your shadow. She saved every birthday card you ever gave her. She knew every little detail about you—at six years old and at sixteen, and I’d be willing to bet she knows every detail now.
" She falls silent for a moment. “And you just let her go without a word?”
“Well, no,” I mutter, swallowing roughly as I release my neck. My hand falls down onto my lap and I tilt my head back, looking up at the sky. “I said some words.”
“What words?”
“I—uh—” I close my eyes, suck in a deep breath then straighten my spine as I exhale. “I told her I don’t want to fail her like I failed everything else.”
There’s a pregnant pause. A long stretch of silence that has me wondering for a second if we lost connection.
I press my hand over my mouth, my eyes stinging. “I can’t fail her too, mom.”
“What are you talking about? You are not a failure.”
“Yes, I am!” Those three little words burst out of me with the sharpness of shards of glass.
“My life fell apart, mom. I failed at playing hockey professionally. Hell, my injury doesn’t even affect me on a daily basis, it just keeps me from playing.
I came back home with nothing but a failed career.
Everything you and dad sacrificed to get me there means nothing.
It was all for nothing. I failed you both and myself and I can’t do that to her. ”
“Oh, sweetheart,” she whispers, sadness lingering in her voice. “That isn’t love talking. That’s fear.”
She’s quiet for a moment with only the sound of her slow breathing on the other end.
“Why didn’t you tell us?” she asks gently. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because I already failed you. I didn’t want to burden you with my feelings about it.”
“Oh, Jace.” There’s a tremble in her voice and it hits me in the center of my chest, so hard I go completely still.
“Honey, there is nothing you could ever do that would burden us. There is nothing you could do that would make me think you’re a failure.
Regardless of what you do or what happens, your father and I will always stand right beside you.
We will help you. You are our son. You are my pride and joy and there is nothing you can do that will make me feel anything less than that. ”
My throat burns and the tears break through, pushing past my eyelids.
“You should have said something to me.” She lets out a soft breath. “We love you, Jace. You should have let us in… or her.”
“I didn’t—I was afraid.”
“Sweetheart. People don’t love you just because of your successes. They love you because you’re you.”
My voice cracks. “What if ‘me’ isn’t enough?”
She inhales sharply. “Don’t you ever say that.” Her voice drops lower. “You listen to me. You are enough. You always have been and you always will be. No one is perfect. You’re afraid and that’s perfectly normal, but it doesn’t make you weak. It makes you human.”
“But what if I fail again?”
“You haven’t failed at anything, honey,” she presses.
“You’ve achieved everything you’ve set out to do.
Your retirement, it didn’t make you a failure.
It was something beyond your control, but it doesn’t diminish your success.
You are still successful. Look at everything you and Harrison are doing.
Don’t let your fear keep you in a cage.”
Her words seep into my bones. I press the heel of my hand to my eyes.
“And Willow...” My mom’s voice softens once more.
“She’s known every version of you since you were both little.
She’s seen you fall off your bike and cry when you broke your wrist. She was there when you failed your science final in eighth grade.
None of that ever made her stop looking at you like you hung the moon and the stars in the sky. ”
Emotion wells in my throat again. “That was different,” I whisper.
“How?” My mother questions me. “Because you’re an adult now? Because the stakes are higher than they were then?” Her voice grows hoarse. “Those who love you will not abandon you when you’re struggling. You lose people when you shut them out.”
We both fall silent.
I suck in a deep breath. “I thought pushing her away would protect us both.”
“I know.” She clears her throat softly. “And how do you feel about that now?”
“I saw the way she looked at me.” I pause, blinking away the memory of the heartbreak woven in her bright blue irises. “I know the way I feel.” I swallow hard. “I didn’t protect either of us. I only caused us both pain.”
“You didn’t fail her, I want you to know that,” she says gently. “You did what you thought was right, but you ended up making a choice for her that wasn’t yours to make.”
“Noah found out about the two of us,” I say in a rush. “I felt like I had to make that choice.”
I hear the deep inhale before she lets it out. She knows how important his friendship is to me. “Have you talked to him about it?”
“No, I haven’t.” I shake my head even though she can’t see it. “After he found out, the fear kicked in a little harder. There’s more pressure because I can’t fail him either. He asked me to let her go if I can’t be what she needs.”
“You are exactly what she needs, honey. You always have been.”
My voice catches in my throat. “How can you be so sure?”
“Because your heart is so pure and so big. You just have to let your guard down and let her in.” She lets out a soft laugh. “It’s Willow. I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”
My breath hitches. “Neither have I.”
“Then you need to tell her the truth.”
“I’m afraid to,” I admit, my words shaking as tears threaten to spill down my cheeks. “I don’t know if I can.”
“Yes, you can. You just have to believe in yourself like the rest of us do. I know you’re afraid, but do it anyway.” Her voice is firm and fierce. “Do it scared.”
“What if she’s done with me? What if I can’t fix this?”
“You won’t know until you’re honest with her. You have to let her tell you that herself,” she says, her voice firm. “You can’t decide that for her.”
“I need to talk to Noah.”
“Yes, you do,” she says softly, assurance in her tone. “It will be fine. He’s one of your best friends. He’s just doing what he’s supposed to do as her older brother. Be honest with yourself, with him, and with Willow. I promise it will all work out.”
My eyebrows cinch together. “How can you be so sure?”
“Because I believe it will, Jace,” she says softly. “You just have to believe it too.”
My throat constricts and my heart clenches inside my chest. My mom always knows the right things to say and I’m such an asshole for trying to push her away too. “I’m sorry. I’m sorry for disappearing.”
“I forgive you, but don’t you dare do it again.” Her voice has taken on a firm but teasing tone. “I won’t be as understanding and will be on the first flight back to the Hollow.”
A chuckle rumbles in my chest. “I promise I won’t.”
“Good,” she says with a quiet laugh. “I love you, honey. So damn much. And so does your father.”
“I love you guys too.”
“I never stopped trying to call you. I never gave up on you, so you can’t give up either.”
My eyes burn once again. “I know.” The silence settles between us as her words seep deep into my brain. “Hey, Mom?” I whisper, my voice catching in my throat.
“Yes?”
“Thank you.”
“Always, honey,” she says with a tenderness that warms my chest. “I will always be here.”
“I love you.”
“I love you more,” she says back. “Talk to Noah, make things right with him, then go get your girl.”
I pull in a slow breath, trying to steady my heart as it beats a little faster and a little harder.
“Okay.”
I don’t know if I’m too late. I don’t know how things will go with Noah, but I do know one thing.
I can’t let Willow go without telling her the truth.