Chapter 30
CHAPTER THIRTY
WILLOW
Sitting at the table next to Jace, I slowly turn my head to the side and study his profile. He sets his fork down, lifting his glass of water, taking a slow sip of it. Dr. Grey purrs as she weaves through my legs and finally walks away when she realizes she doesn’t have my attention.
Something isn’t right with him tonight.
It’s been a few days since I’ve seen him and he texted me after he finished at the rink today, asking me to come over for dinner. He’s been weirdly quiet and a bit distant since I walked in the door.
The more I think about it, the more I realize there’s been some distance growing between us since he came over last week. Since we had sex in the bathroom and almost got caught by Noah.
Jace rises from his seat and collects both of our plates, taking them over to the sink. Instead of handwashing them, he rinses them and sets them inside the dishwasher. My heart pounds inside my chest and I get up, walking across the kitchen to him.
“Hey, can I ask you something?”
Jace doesn’t look at me for a moment but then he turns his body to face me head on, his expression giving nothing away. The rich, woodsy scent of his cologne infiltrates my senses when we’re this close and in any other moment, I would find it calming.
“Always.”
“Is something wrong?” I pause, my throat bobbing as I swallow roughly. As much as I don’t want there to be anything wrong, the fact that he didn’t immediately pull me into him when I walked up to him suggests otherwise. “Did I do something?”
He tilts his head to the side, taking a step closer. His fingertips are soft as they brush against the side of my face, tucking a curl behind my ear. “No, you didn’t do anything.”
A frown pulls on my lips. “But something is wrong.”
He’s silent for a moment, his eyebrows cinching together as he slowly searches my eyes.
An unsettling feeling washes over me, dread filling the pit of my stomach as he cups the side of my face.
He takes another step closer and my lips part.
Just as I’m about to question him on it, his face drops down to mine and he silences me with his mouth.
Instinctively, I reach for him, pressing my body flush against his as both of his hands cradle my head.
He kisses me with a tenderness, without any urgency, and my toes curl inside my socks.
His lips move slowly against mine, like he’s memorizing the way they feel, every movement they make, the way they taste.
Wrapping my arms around his back, I hold onto him tightly, gripping the back of his shirt as if he’s sand about to slip through my fingers.
Something happened.
Why does it feel like I’m losing him?
His tongue slides against the seam of my mouth and my lips part for him, allowing access.
He kisses me with hunger and need as his fingertips drift down the sides of my neck.
“Willow,” he murmurs against my lips, planting one more peck again before pulling away.
His expression is unreadable as his eyes search mine, bouncing back and forth.
“Jace, what’s wrong? What’s going on?”
His hands rest against my collarbones and he lets out a shallow breath, his eyes closing as he presses his forehead to mine. “Noah knows.”
My stomach falls onto the floor. “What?”
“He came to the rink the other day and questioned me on it.” His hands feel heavy on my shoulders. “I couldn’t lie to him.”
A part of me is relieved, but the other part of me is filled with dread. This is what happened—this is why he’s pulled away from me. My brother found out and now Jace is rethinking everything.
“That’s okay, I’m not worried about it,” I tell him, my voice quiet. “It’s just Noah, he’ll get over it.”
“No, Willow,” he whispers, his forehead lifting from mine as he slowly shakes his head. “We can’t keep doing this.”
His words land like a heavy blow to the center of my chest. My heart constricts. It feels like a knife pierced the muscle. “What do you mean?”
He stares down at me, his hands drifting back up to cup the sides of my face. “Willow, Willow, Willow,” he murmurs, his thumbs stroking the sides of my face. “I promised myself I wouldn’t let my feelings get involved, that we would keep this purely physical and I fucked it all up.”
“H—” I pause, my voice catching in my throat as tears well in my eyes. “How did you fuck it up?”
He frowns, his hands falling away from my face. “Because this isn’t just physical for me anymore.”
My forehead creases. “Why is that a problem?” I swallow hard, a shallow breath slipping from me. The truth lingers on my tongue and I know I have to tell him. He deserves to know. “It’s not just physical for me either.”
His eyelids fall shut and the muscle tightens in his jaw. “That’s why we can’t keep doing this.”
The knife in my heart twists, plunging deeper.
“What?”
“Willow.” He whispers my name, opening his eyes to stare directly into mine. “I failed at the one thing I set out to do in life. I refuse to fail you too.”
My face contorts, confusion and pain twisting the knife again. “How would you fail me?”
“By not being what you need or what you deserve.” He pauses, shaking his head.
“I don’t know how to be in a relationship with someone.
I have failed at being a good partner in any relationship I’ve ever been in.
” He runs his tongue over his teeth. “You’re going to be leaving for vet school and I’m just going to be a distraction to you. ”
“No, you’re not,” I insist, shaking my head at him. “I’m not going back to school.”
His brow furrows. “What are you talking about? Yes, you are. I will not be the reason you give up that dream.”
“Since coming back home, I’ve realized it’s the dream I had when I was a kid and I ran with it because I didn’t know what else to do. It was the only solid plan I had for a career path, not what I actually wanted to do.” I pause to inhale deeply. “And I’ve been lying to everyone about it.”
His brow furrows and he crosses his arms. “What do you mean?”
“I didn’t decide to take the year off,” I whisper, my tongue darting out to wet my lips. My heart is pounding so hard, it feels like it’s in my throat. “I didn’t get in.”
“Oh, Willow.” His expression softens. “I had no idea.”
“I didn’t want anyone to know,” I whisper, shrugging my shoulders.
“You’re not the one who has a trail of failures following them, Jace.
You couldn’t have prevented that injury and early retirement from happening.
I’m the one who failed. I’m the one who wasn’t good enough.
” I force a smile on my lips, although the corners of my mouth barely lift.
“Baby, no,” he murmurs, and his hands lift to cup the sides of my face again. “Don’t you dare say that. You are more than good enough. You know how competitive it is to get into vet school.”
“Which is why I don’t even care to do it.” I let out a ragged breath. “I don’t want to fail again, Jace. I don’t think I can handle it happening again. Something like that, that makes me feel so poorly—why would I want to subject myself to that again?”
He’s silent for a moment. “I know exactly how you’re feeling. That fear of failure… it’s always there, always lingering.”
“I won’t push for more from you Jace, ever.
” My chest expands as I suck in a deep breath and blink back the tears that are now threatening to fall.
“Maybe this is all too much, too soon. We’ve known each other forever, but maybe it just all happened too quickly.
” I roll my lips between my teeth, biting down on them.
“I know you don’t want to hurt me, so you think you’re protecting me, but I need you to know that this hurts too. ”
“Willow…”
“No,” I shake my head. “Let me finish.” He nods, falling silent again.
“I knew that this would hurt me in the end. You told me from the start that you could never give me more.” A soft laugh falls from my lips.
“I’ve spent most of my life swallowing back my feelings for you and I refuse to keep doing that.
” I swallow hard, leveling my gaze on him as I push my shoulders back, squaring them to face this all head on.
And I know my feelings are only going to push him away.
“I had a crush on you when we were younger, but you were older and Noah’s best friend.
I let it go and I moved on. I dated other people and tried to forget about you.
But those feelings—they resurfaced after coming back here.
They’ve grown stronger as we’ve spent more time together and I don’t regret that.
I don’t regret any of this with you, but I know I have to let you go too. ”
His lips part, his eyebrows twitching. “What?”
“I lied when I said we could just do this and be friends and it wouldn’t change things.
It’s changed everything.” My chest deflates as I let out a deep breath.
“If you don’t know what you want, if you’re not sure that I’m what you want, or if you’re going to continue to live in your fear of letting me down or failing me, then that’s all it will ever be. And I don’t want that.”
“I know,” he says after a few moments pass. His voice is low and hoarse and a wave of pain washes over his eyes. “I want you, Willow, but I don’t know how to let go of the fear.”
“And that’s okay,” I whisper, a sad smile tugging on the corners of my lips.
“I don’t think that fear is something that ever goes away.
It’s just a risk you have to be willing to take and you have to be the one to figure out when you’re ready for that.
Not me, not anyone else. You. You’ll come to realize that eventually. ”
The muscle in his jaw tightens. “And if I’m too late?”
My heart clenches and the corners of my eyes burn. “Then what we had together was all we were ever meant to have.”
“Goddammit, Willow,” he breathes, his tone pained as my name catches in his throat. Without another word, he pulls me back to him, his mouth seeking mine.
I can’t pull away so instead, I reach for him, holding my body flush against his.
My arms wrap around his back, reveling in the way he smells, the way he feels, the way he kisses me.
I know this will be the last time. He wanted to be the one to pull away from me, and I know in my heart that I have to let him go too.
If Jace Miller is supposed to be mine, then fate will see to it.
His lips melt against mine and I allow myself a moment to savor it. To memorize him. He drinks me in, draining the oxygen from my lungs before I find myself pulling away from him.
“When you know, come find me, okay?”
He purses his lips, his eyes glossy with unshed tears. “Okay,” he whispers, swallowing hard as he dips his chin.
His hands fall away from my face as I step back from him.
This isn’t how I want to see him. Hurting and confused.
This isn’t just my doing. He didn’t think twice about breaking my heart tonight, so I can’t get hung up on the way he watches me right now, like he’s resisting the urge to reach out to me again.
I force myself to turn and head through the house, making my way to the front door. Grabbing my coat from the hook, I slip my arms inside and hastily wipe the tears from my face as I slip my feet into my shoes.
“Willow, wait,” he rasps as he steps into the foyer. He looks utterly broken as he stares back at me, running a hand through his hair. “Please stay. I don’t—this isn’t what I want. I want you.”
My heart stutters. I want to go to him, but I know I can’t. My mind has to be the one to decide, not my heart, even if it’s the hardest decision I’ve ever had to make. “I need you to think about it for more than two minutes. I don’t want it to be a hasty, emotional decision.”
“Willow.”
Standing my ground, I shake my head. “Please, Jace. I need you to be certain.”
Conflict consumes his expression, but he finally nods, stepping closer. “Okay.”
He falls silent as I turn around, but the door doesn’t close as I step outside.
The creak of the porch floorboards lets me know he’s following after me.
He doesn’t say a word as he follows me down to my car.
His hand grips the door, holding it open for me as I get inside.
He lingers for a moment, his gaze locked on mine before he finally pushes it shut.
Turning the ignition, I shift the car into reverse and slowly back out of the driveway and onto the street.
Like a small child or a puppy, Jace follows me down the driveway and stops to stand on the sidewalk as I shift the car into drive.
My eyes burn with tears as they begin to spill down my cheeks.
There’s an ache in the center of my chest as I pull away.
Glancing in my rearview mirror, I see Jace as he walks out into the center of the street, stopping and staring in my direction, watching as I drive away from him.
And as much as I don’t want to, I keep driving until I can’t see him anymore.