Chapter 27
Chapter
Twenty-Seven
Istand, unmoving. I hear him like a wounded animal in the street. I close my eyes, but I just stand there, and stand. I think Jude moves me to sit, but I’m not sure, the whole house is silent. I sit there and say nothing. I don’t think I can. And, for once, the tears don’t come. I’m blank, the only word I can hear in my mind is Bridstones. Bridstones, Bridstones, Bridstones. Like a mantra, running on a loop.
What have I done? What has he done? We’ve pulled the heart and soul out of each other, screwed it up, chopped it into pieces, and thrown it on the floor to die a slow and painful death.
I take a stuttering breath in. I must have been holding it, I didn’t even notice. My brothers and Tommy are sitting, watching, making tea I think, maybe. Not saying a word. They don’t know what to say.
There is nothing to say, nothing to do, so I continue to sit. Maybe I can sit here until these babies are born, because in my heart, I know they will be. He is wrong, so very wrong.
I touch my children and I hear Jonno take a breath in. My eyes shift to his and I see the tears in them. It”s the first movement I’ve made. He kneels in front of me, sweatpants in his hands. Tapping my ankles in turn, I move them like a robot obeying instruction. He runs them up my legs, pulls me up, and pushes them into position, covering me. He then gently lowers me back down again. I put my hands back onto my stomach, and sit facing forward, not saying anything at all.
Jude takes my hand from my sons and puts a mug of tea into it. “Drink,” he instructs.
It’s weak tea with sugar in it. I pull a face, but drink it down. I haven’t had sugar in tea for years—one new year’s resolution Jude and I stuck to. The only one, probably.
“Do you want to go to bed?” Jackson asks.
I shake my head. I don’t even know the time. “What time is it?”
“Nearly midnight,” Jonno answers.
I’ve been sitting for hours. Where did that time go?
I sit back and rest my head. Still no tears. My ducts must have gone on strike due to overwork and poor conditions. I hear a debate about James.
I hear a debate about who is staying up with me. The shifts are sorted and Jonno comes and sits with me, taking my hand in his. The other three all kiss my head and move to go to bed. I just sit. Maybe I’ll move, eventually.