21. Naya
TWENTY-ONE
NAYA
We went into my bedroom, and Amias sat up on my bed, resting against my headrest, his ankles crossed. He'd taken his shoes off and looked relaxed while I felt gauche standing in front of him.
"This is uncomfortable," I told him.
"I'm enjoying myself," he grinned. "Now, let's get this show on the road so we can eat dessert."
I almost didn't have the courage to do it, but I was more afraid of pursuing a relationship with him, getting attached, and then having him ghost me because he didn't want to have sex with me.
This way, maybe we could at least be friends.
He'd never want me or love me the way I needed him to, the way I wanted and loved him—but he'd be in my life.
Everyone could call it a crush; I could call it that, but the truth was that I was in love with Amias.
I lived for sightings of him at work. I loved watching him interact with people at work.
I loved how he was easygoing and wished he could be like that with me.
I loved how smart he was about business.
I loved…how he looked and how he sounded; how he smelled.
I was a stupid teenager who just never grew up when it came to Amias.
"Hey, don't do that," he ordered.
"Do what?" I asked. I couldn't look at him, so I was staring at my ballet flats, wondering why I was even putting myself through this.
I knew why. If I didn't do it I'd always wonder what if; but if I did, then I'd know I never ever had a chance with him. I also needed to do this for myself—to show myself that I could for just a second not be a coward.
"Go inside your head. Come on, eyes on me."
I lifted my face and looked at him. He smiled. "You have the juiciest lips. I keep thinking of how good your mouth will look around my cock."
I looked at his crotch and then back into his eyes in panic when I saw the bulge.
"Yeah, I'm hard," he chuckled. "Hard not to be when you're standing there, getting ready to take your clothes off for me."
I removed my ballet flats as I watched him, focusing only on him so I would see the instant his hard-on disappeared, the moment he went from interested to disgusted.
I remembered the first time Nolan had seen me after I was back from the hospital.
I was in my room in a t-shirt and panties, looking for my jeans in the closet, when he walked into my room.
He looked at my legs and said, "That's…horrifying, Naya.
I…." He had the decency to stop talking after that and walked out of the room.
Kara had seen them by accident when she walked into the single bathroom in my father's place while I was coming out of the shower. She screeched and then said, "No wonder you don't date."
Outside of the hospital staff, my father and Darren, only Nolan and Kara had seen the aftermath of the accident on my skin. I had no doubt about how Amias would react.
I untied one bow on one shoulder, feeling tremendously sad.
It had been such a nice dinner. It had been just like I'd dreamed.
Amias was funny and fun, charming and flirtatious.
I'd been the center of his attention. I was not sitting in a corner, hiding.
If we dated, that could be my every day until we broke up.
For whatever time we'd have together, it would be amazing.
I held the bodice of the dress and untied the second bow. I'd worn a strapless skin-colored bra and matching panties. This was not lingerie but sensible underwear I bought at Uniqlo.
I couldn't look at him, I finally decided. I couldn’t see the disgust on his face. That would break my heart. I'd just let him see, and he'd walk out, and then…I'd slip into something old and comfy.
Naya, this is going to take a minute, maybe less. Just do it, girlfriend. Just do it!
I let the dress fall at my feet, closed my eyes, and waited for my bedroom door to close behind Amias.
I heard him get up from the bed, and my heart hammered hard before I knew it would break. It was so unfair that I'd had to not just have the accident, but I had to live with it every day, every minute, every hour. Tears started to leak out of my closed eyes.
"Shh, baby. No. Don't cry." I felt him wipe my tears, but I didn't open my eyes. I was too afraid.
I shivered when I felt his hands on my thighs, stroking down my legs. Why was he touching me? No one ever had. No one but I had touched my scars.
"Oh, baby."
My eyes snapped open when I felt his lips against my thigh. He was on his knees in front of me, kissing the hideous puckered skin.
"Oh, baby. I'm so sorry that this happened to you."
I choked. "Pretty ugly, right?"
"No, baby. Not ugly. I just…." He kissed down my leg, his hands now cupping my ass. "I can't imagine how painful this must've been."
He looked at me, and tears were streaming down his face. I brushed my tears off because I was sure my mind was playing tricks on me.
He kept kissing my scars, and I stood there, not sure what to do, what to say. This was not what I expected. This had never happened. This…was not even a dream. I couldn't even have thought this, it was that far from the realm of possibility.
Once he'd kissed the front of my legs, he turned me around and groaned as he touched my back. "You have the sexiest ass."
I turned to look at him. Seriously? Didn't he see all the ugly burn scars?
He squeezed my ass and nuzzled the scarred skin on my lower back.
"When I saw you that day outside the Krav Maga place, you were wearing leggings, and I thought I wanted to watch your ass bounce on top of my cock."
Was he blind? I couldn't form words. My throat was closed.
"Fuck, Naya." He pulled my panties down, and I took calming breaths.
I felt his lips on my ass, where there was some scarring as well.
It was not as bad as my back, but it was there.
He kissed my ass, and I felt a stab of pleasure run through me.
His hands were gentle on me, stroking my legs, my thighs.
"Turn around," he said, and I did, but at the last minute, I closed my eyes. I was scared to see how he felt about me.
I felt him move around me. He took my bra off, and I began to shake. I'd never been naked in front of anyone but the hospital staff since the accident. I'd never been naked with anyone before that, either.
"Shh, sweetheart." He wrapped his arms around me and held me. He moved his hips against mine, and I froze, pushing him away.
"You're…you're still hard," I gaped at his crotch.
"You're naked," he said as if that was a complete explanation.
Was this pity? Did he feel sorry for me? I flashed my eyes at him, anger surging through me.
"Don't do this," I muttered, "Don't you dare…"
"What?" he demanded, walking toward me. I took a step back. "You thought I'd see your scars and run? Is that what you thought, or was that what you hoped?"
"I didn't hope," I whispered.
He picked me up, bridal style, and laid me down on the bed. He started to remove his clothes, and I just stared, speechless.
"We're not having sex today," he informed me. "But…I need to feel you against me. I need to touch you. Learn you. Is that okay?"
Is that okay? Was this guy kidding me?
"Naya, I need words."
"I don't know," I squeaked.
He looked at me seriously but continued to strip until he was in his boxers.
"You work out."
"So do you, babe. Those abs are fucking hot."
Couldn't he see my scars? Did he need prescription glasses? What was wrong with his eyesight?
He laid down next to me, on his side, propped up on his elbow. He traced a nipple, and I started to hyperventilate.
"Naya."
I couldn't say anything; I stared at his finger, making my nipple hard.
"When was the last time you had sex?"
That was like a bucket of cold water. I closed my eyes.
"No. You don't do that. You look at me and you talk to me," he insisted, his fingers opening my eyes.
"I haven't."
I saw nothing but calm on his face. He wasn't pitying me, looking at me in disgust or anger. He was smiling, and it soothed me.
"Never?"
I shook my head. "I made out in high school with some guys, but you remember I was shy and then the accident…and…."
He moved down my body, and I felt his breath against my pussy. "Open wide, babe."
"What?"
He parted my thighs. I trimmed my pubic hair, but no way was I ever going to go to a place where they'd wax. I knew women these days went bare. Did he want that?
"So beautiful," he murmured, stroking my labia.
My hips moved restlessly. He was arousing me. I didn't think it would be possible, but he was.
"You okay?" he asked; his eyes were hooded, aroused, his jaw tight.
"What's happening?" I asked, confused.
He slid a finger inside me, and I gasped.
"Fuck, Naya. You're so goddamn tight."
"Amias."
"I know, baby. I know," he murmured softly, watching me as he pumped his finger in and out of me. "You're so wet. So soft. Is it okay if I taste you?"
I wasn't stupid. I knew what that meant, but I couldn't let him do that, could I?
"Please don't," I whimpered.
He smiled gently, pulled his finger out, and brought it to his mouth. I watched in fascinated horror as he sucked his finger, his cheeks getting ruddy. "You taste so good. I need more."
He inserted two fingers inside me, and my eyes closed, my head thrown back. I'd never had sex, but I had a vibrator. A rabbit. I had had it inside me while its ears stroked my clit, making me come. But it didn't compare to what was happening now, here, with Amias.
"Is it too much, Naya?" His voice was strained, hoarse. "Please look at me so I can see you're okay."
I opened my eyes with effort and my breath was coming out in short gasps. I was so close to an orgasm. He inserted a third finger, and my hips moved into his hand.
"Yeah, like that. Fuck yourself on my fingers. Oh, baby. I'm so hard for you. I want so badly to be inside you."
I hadn't expected sex to be like this. I didn't expect Amias to talk like this.
He began to stroke my clit with the pad of his thumb on his left hand while the fingers on his right hand were going faster and deeper inside me.
I felt the flutters start deep inside me, forerunners I instinctively knew of a climax, though I'd never had them before.
"You're so beautiful." He kept doing what he was, and his fingers inside me were touching a part of me that was nothing but nerve endings detonating. "Come, baby. Let me see you come for me."
His hands began to move faster, and I cried out, my eyes on his as I unraveled. He dragged his boxers down his hips and pulled out his penis.
I was still breathing harshly as he began to jack himself off while he watched my pussy. "Fuck, baby. Fuck. I want to be inside you. I want to feel."
I wanted to tell him to come inside, but I wasn't sure how to.
I didn't know what was going on. I felt a sudden wetness on my stomach and watched his semen sputter out of him, land on my tits, my belly, my pussy.
He was breathing hard like he'd been running, and as he calmed, he dragged the tip of his cock over my slit as if calming himself.
I just lay in shock. Of all the things I'd expected, this was not one of them. He got up from bed, and I flinched. Was he leaving? He got what he wanted, and he was leaving?
Oh god, what had I done? I'd let him use me.
Come on, Naya, you got off as well. Best orgasm of your life.
I was not going to be a hypocrite, I thought. I heard the bathroom door open and shut. He was going to come back, put his clothes on and get out of my apartment, get away from me.
I looked down at his still glistening cum on my belly and then followed my line of sight to my thighs and legs. My lips curled in disgust. No one would want to have sex with a woman who had skin that was unpleasant to touch, awful to look at.
I wanted to fold into a ball and hide, and I would do that as soon as I had the strength.
Amias came inside the bedroom, a wet washcloth in his hand. He sat down next to me and kissed my mouth. He was smiling, looking very pleased with himself. He wiped his cum off me and then gently cleaned between my legs.
He threw the towel down on the floor and kissed me again.
Suddenly, it was all too much. The pressure of it all, the stress of showing him my body, his unexpected behavior, my orgasm…and I burst into tears.
"Fuck," he groaned; he hauled me up into his arms as he kneeled on my bed. He held me close and rocked me, whispering, "It's okay, baby. It's okay."
It took some time before my loud sobs became quiet whimpers.
After, he lay down and pulled me on top of him, arranging me so my head was on his shoulder. He hooked a hand under one leg and drew it on top of his.
He nuzzled my hair. "Tell me about the accident."