Chapter Twenty #2
“It started out as little things. At that point, we’d been together maybe twenty years.
” Alex expelled a sigh. “After that long, you think you’ve got it all worked out.
I thought we were content. Or maybe that should be complacent.
Anyway, he started making noises about changing the car.
Ours was boring, he said. We needed an upgrade, he said.
Fine, so we got a convertible. Todd loved it.
” He smiled. “I thought it was a little flashy, with a glass roof that folded down into the trunk, but he was happy, so…” Alex gave a shrug.
“Then he decided he wanted a makeover. He wasn’t happy with his clothes.
By the time he’d finished, he had a whole new wardrobe, and a new look.
” Alex held up his hands. “Hey, it was his money. He could buy as many new outfits as he wanted. Only, it didn’t stop there.
Next, it was where we took our vacations. He wanted a change of scenery.”
“What about you? Did you want all those things?”
Alex sighed. “Not really, but I just thought I was compromising. I went along with his clothes and his choice of destinations because I didn’t want to offend him horribly.
I just thought he was trying out new and exciting things.
I didn’t see this was all part of him trying to break free.
” Alex clasped his hands in his lap. “We weren’t that similar, when you came down to it.
I was happier staying at home and relaxing on the weekend, rather than going out dancing and socializing.
” He met Joshua’s gaze, his expression sad.
“Funny how two people can grow apart, but one of them doesn’t see it happening. ”
“Why do you think him being a late bloomer had something to do with this?”
“Because he said as much. He used to complain that he’d ‘lost’ all those teenage years of discovery,” Alex said, air-quoting.
“He’d talk about not having as much experience as I’d had.
” He snorted. “What he meant by that was sleeping with other guys. Because six months after we met, we were monogamous. I was happy with that. Apparently, he wasn’t.
So he gets into his forties and has a mid-life crisis.
Like I said, the cracks started appearing.
” Alex studied his hands. “I still can’t believe how blind I was.
One day, everything was great, the next?
Torn apart. Okay, so maybe it wasn’t one day, but you get the idea.
And then came the moment when he said he’d had enough, this wasn’t going to work, and maybe it was better for both of us if he just…
left.” Alex’s voice quavered. “And once he’d gone, it was like he’d…
died. I felt it that strongly. But last night? That was such a … betrayal.”
“It must still hurt.” Joshua had no idea how Alex must have felt. How could I have? Hayden’s disappearance from his life was down to the machinations of their families, not because they’d wanted to part.
“It’s strange how you always see more with hindsight.
I looked back on our time together, and tried to see things as they truly were.
What I’d sought from our relationship? Genuine emotions, real feelings.
And I guess at one time I thought I had that, but in reality, our relationship was slowly and quietly dying, because that genuine emotion just… wasn’t there.”
“So what happened last night? What sent you off the rails?”
Alex breathed deeply. “I asked him to marry me, you know. On more than one occasion. And each time, he said we didn’t need a piece of paper to tell us what we had.
We were committed. We were in love. Over the years, I’d bring the subject up again, and if anything, he grew even more insistent that marriage was an outdated concept, a worthless label, and he didn’t give a damn if gays were fighting for the right to marry—that didn’t mean we had to do it.
” He swallowed. “So you can imagine how I felt last night, when I opened Instagram, and there he was, grinning at the camera, sharing a piece of wedding cake with his new… husband.”
Joshua didn’t hesitate. He grabbed Alex’s hand and held it tightly. “I’m so sorry. No wonder you lost it.”
“I was so …fucking… angry!” Alex regarded him with wide eyes.
“How could he do that? How could he let us go on like that, knowing we were going nowhere?” He was trembling.
“Why the hell didn’t he just… leave a whole lot sooner?
Instead of dragging it out, delaying the moment when he’d shatter us, break us apart?
” Tears glistened in his eyes. “And then to go and get married, after everything he said…”
Joshua moved swiftly, putting his arm around Alex and pulling him in, holding him close. “I know. It feels like he was taunting you. Showing you how happy he was… now that he’d found the right man.”
“Yes!” Alex buried his face against Joshua’s chest, his body shaking. Joshua held him tightly, waiting for the moment to pass, but not letting go. After a while, Alex straightened and sat upright. “God, look at me. I must seem like such a—”
“You’re hurting, because he just tore open the wound again. But you’ll get through this,” Joshua assured him. “And now you see him a lot more clearly, don’t you?”
Alex nodded. “I’m sorry. I didn’t intend on letting myself get so…”
“Emotional?” Joshua suggested. “So what? Give me a good healthy dose of emotion any day. If you’d seen how much crying went on in my house last Christmas…”
Alex huffed. “Real men don’t cry. So I’m told.”
Joshua snorted. “Bullshit.” He nudged Alex with his arm. “They also say real men don’t wear pink, but I’ve seen your sweaters. Not to mention that pink silk tie.”
Alex laughed, and the sound lightened Joshua’s heart. “Thanks.”
“For what?”
“Holding me together when I fell apart.”
Joshua patted his shoulder. “Anytime. Now… do you think we have time to make some crepes before I go home?” He figured a distraction was just what the doctor ordered.
Alex nodded. “I think we deserve them. Spread with dark chocolate.” He got up from the couch and headed toward the kitchen, Joshua following.
Don’t let Todd color your thinking, Joshua told him silently.
Alex deserved better.