Chapter Twenty-Two
Joshua was still thinking about the conversation with Micah by the time he climbed into bed that evening.
If that don’t beat all… He could never have imagined talking with his dad the way Micah had.
Then again, Joshua was nothing like his dad, and theirs was a very different relationship.
The kind of relationship where Joshua kept his parents and his children—especially Micah—at a maximum safe distance from each other.
He’d never accept having a gay grandson. Not in a million years.
Joshua could still recall how they’d watched him like a hawk that first year after they moved to Wyoming.
No going out. No parties. No friends home.
It had felt like a prison—until he’d met Rachel.
Joshua knew they probably saw the whole Hayden situation as nothing more than a phase, and had obviously decided all he’d needed was the love of the right woman.
They didn’t need to know he was bi, and he had no plans to tell them.
They’d burned their bridges, as far as he was concerned.
At least Micah and Naomi got it now, and voiced no wish to see their grandparents.
Maybe he was depriving them of an important part of their lives, but Joshua didn’t see it like that.
In his mind? He was saving his kids from being hurt, and that was all that mattered.
His phone vibrated on the nightstand, and Joshua peered at the screen.
Hey. Thanks again for last night and today.
He smiled and picked up the phone. What are friends for? He debated telling Alex about the conversation, but decided against it. Because Joshua was acutely aware he hadn’t been entirely honest with Micah. You okay?
Well, I feel human. Does that count as okay?
Joshua chuckled. I was sorely tempted to hide the tequila, but I figured, you’re a big boy. You can handle it.
A moment passed, and then Alex’s reply appeared. I still owe you dinner. Next Saturday night?
You got a deal. Don’t work too hard this week.
A laughing emoji flashed up. I’ll do my best.
Joshua put his phone aside, relieved. Alex seemed to be fine.
That was one thing he could stop thinking about, at least. He switched off the bedside lamp and got comfortable beneath a single sheet.
This was always the hottest part of the year, and Joshua kept his ceiling fan running all night, the soft whirring sound often lulling him to sleep.
Not that that was gonna happen any time soon. There was way too much going on in his head for sleep to even get a look in. Considering how little sleep he’d gotten the previous night, he should have been asleep in seconds.
How could I sleep, when he was in such a mess?
Joshua had sat there in the armchair, gazing at Alex, wondering what on earth could have reduced him to such a state. Eventually, he’d dozed a little, only to wake with a start and anxiously check on Alex, who, bless him, was deep in the slumber of the inebriated.
The early hours of the morning, however, had been quite different.
Joshua hadn’t lied to Micah. Well, not exactly lied. He’d said there was nothing going on between himself and Alex. He’d said he wasn’t in a relationship with anyone.
That was safe ground.
Where the terrain got a little shaky was the part where he’d claimed to never have thought of Alex in those terms.
Yeah. Liar liar. Because what had gone through his mind in those early hours had definitely not been innocent.
Gazing at his friend, and remembering how he’d looked as Joshua had undressed him…
the lean torso… the salt-and-pepper chest hair that covered his pecs…
those firm thighs and strongly curved calves…
his firm jawline with its grey-tinted beard… his full lips…
Joshua shivered, in spite of the heat. This is just plain wrong.
Then he got to thinking. Wait just a goddamn minute. Why should it be wrong to see Alex for what he is, a sexy, good-looking guy? Why should it be wrong to imagine what it would be like to touch him… kiss him?
Christ, when he thought back to his former sex life…
Maybe Micah was right. He was forthright about sex because that was the way Joshua and Rachel had brought up their kids, to acknowledge sex as a healthy part of normal life. Except I’ve gotten so used to having no sex drive, I’ve accepted it as the new ‘normal’, when it really isn’t normal at all.
Normal was the way he was feeling about Alex.
Normal was the curiosity burning inside him to know how it felt to be with a man. Because now, he was curious.
Normal was the desire to find out how sex could be with someone else, when there had only ever been one person.
It didn’t mean anything was going to come of it, right? All those times he’d gazed at gorgeous guys, he’d known it was just a fantasy. And there’s nothing wrong with fantasies either. Fantasies are healthy.
He lay in the darkness and grinned. When was the last time I jerked off while thinking about a hot guy? His heartbeat raced, and his breathing quickened. Why not? He always slept better after an orgasm. It was like Nature’s perfect sleeping pill.
Joshua rubbed a hand over his chest, grabbing the pec and squeezing it a little, before pulling gently on his nipple.
Damn, that feels good. He trailed his fingers through the mat of hair that covered his chest, before moving lower to slowly rub his belly.
When his fingertips came into contact with the sheet, he grasped it and threw it off him, baring his body to the fan’s cooling effect. Better.
Joshua traced his fingers over his briefs, feeling the bulge beneath.
“Take them off.” Alex’s voice, low and deep. Insistent.
Oh dear Lord. Talk about a fantasy…
Joshua shook his head. “Not yet,” he whispered. His dick lay to the left, and he rubbed gently along its length, allowing only the lightest touch as his fingers grazed the ridge beneath the cotton. Another shiver rippled through him.
“Slip your hand inside.”
Another shake of his head. “This way, it doesn’t feel like it’s my hand touching me.”
“Whose hand is it?” Alex’s voice was soft, a silken whisper in the darkness.
Joshua swallowed, his lips suddenly dry. “Yours.” He was moving now, a slow rolling of his hips, rubbing the length that swelled beneath his briefs, pushing at the cotton.
“Fuck, you look good when you do that.” A pause. “How does my hand feel?”
Another swallow. “Good.” The head of his cock broke free of the fabric, pushing against his thigh, and he could feel the heat of it against his skin.
“Touch it.”
“Not yet.” Joshua raised one leg, bent at the knee, to give himself greater access, but still he wouldn’t touch the bare head, desperate to prolong the inevitable.
He held the shaft firm through the cotton, moving it to rub the ridge against the soft hair on his thigh, the friction delicious.
Joshua pushed up with his hips, both feet planted on the mattress now, and moved a little faster.
When he finally slid his fingers around the bare, hot length, a soft sigh fell from his lips.
“There, that’s better, isn’t it?”
Lord, it truly was.
Joshua slid his hand along the shaft, pushing up with his hips to meet each down-stroke, settling into an exquisite rhythm that sent his heart racing even more.
His breathing grew more rapid, and he squeezed his pecs again, alternately teasing his nipples until the merest touch sent a jolt of electricity pulsing through his body.
“Now, Joshua. Take them off now.”
Like he could wait any second. Joshua slipped his hand under the cotton and eased the briefs over his ass, past his thighs, before kicking them off.
“That’s it. Perfect. Now spread. Show me.”
Joshua spread his legs wide and stroked his dick, his fingers coming into contact with his balls as he slid them from root to head, pulling back on the silken skin as he thrust up with his hips, a rocking motion he knew would bring him off.
“Rub the head against your thigh. That’s where you’re going to shoot your load. And I’m going to watch you do it.”
Christ, was there anything hotter than hearing Alex’s low, demanding voice, urging him on? Only one thing.
“Touch me, Alex,” he begged, his throat dry, his pulse rapid.
“Next time,” the voice promised. “Because you’re about to come, aren’t you? Feel that tingle in your balls? The heat inside you? Let it out, Joshua. Let it out.”
Joshua pushed out a low moan and came, aware of warmth on his thigh, his body shaking as his dick throbbed in his hand.
He shuddered, his eyes closed as he tried to hold onto the last remnants of pleasure surging through him, determined to make it last as long as he could.
His pulse slowed down, his breathing grew more even, but what made his heart ache was the silence that fell over his room.
I wanted him to be here. I wanted the fantasy to be real.
Slowly, Joshua sat up and retrieved his briefs, using them to wipe away all traces of come.
He got out of bed, crossed the room, and dropped them in his hamper, before heading back to bed.
He pulled the sheet up to cover his warm, damp skin and lay there in the dark, relishing that blissful sated sensation that had escaped him for so long, as he sank deeper and deeper into a restful sleep.