Chapter Thirty-Four November 24
Chapter Thirty-Four
Alex switched off the engine and peered through the windshield.
Joshua had said something about meeting where the tour buses left from, and that there was a fire pit where people congregated.
Sure enough, there was Joshua, standing alone, staring into the flames, his hands stuffed into his jacket pockets. There was no sign of Naomi or the boys.
Alex got out of the car and walked over to him, aware of the excited chatter around him. The lights were spectacular, he had to admit, but he wasn’t really in the mood to stare at Christmas displays. In fact, he wasn’t sure why he’d said yes in the first place.
“Hey, you made it.” Joshua gave him a smile that looked almost weary.
Alex glanced around. “Unlike the kids, it seems. Where are they?”
“At home.”
Alex frowned. “Did they change their minds?”
Joshua appeared a little sheepish. “They were never coming. I just said that to get you here.”
“But why?”
Joshua shrugged. “Call it instinct. I just had this weird idea you’d feel more comfortable if this felt less like… a date.”
“And is that what this is? A date?” Alex had an uneasy feeling in the pit of his stomach.
Joshua sighed. “It was—right up until I saw your expression just now. So I guess I’m gonna have to go with Plan B. In which case…” He glanced around. “Where are you parked?”
Alex gestured to the area behind him. “Right over there.” His heartbeat increased, and it felt like there was a big ball of tension in his belly. “What’s going on, Joshua?”
“Let’s get in your car, and then we can talk.”
Fuck. It didn’t matter that Alex knew they had to talk sometime—he just wasn’t sure he was ready for this. Then he took in Joshua’s grave expression.
He’s right. We need to talk.
Alex led Joshua over to his car, and they got in. There was a moment of awkward silence, and in the stillness, Alex knew that was down to him. “Look, I—”
“Where do you see us going?” Joshua blurted out.
Alex blinked, then recovered quickly. “Wow. Straight to the point.”
Joshua clasped his gloved hands in his lap.
“I figure we’re not kids anymore, and this is too important to keep dancing around it.
And from my perspective, it comes down to two options.
Either you don’t want anything more than what we have right now—which is friendship and sex—or you do, but you just can’t commit because you’re… afraid.”
Alex’s heart sank. “What makes you think I wouldn’t want more than friendship and sex?”
Joshua’s eyes locked on his. “When you tell someone you love them, and it’s like they never even heard the words…
that’s a pretty big clue,” he said softly.
“Plus, there’s the fact that when you and Todd were together, you wanted to marry him.
So, what else am I to glean from your silence, except that you obviously don’t want that with me?
” Before Alex could respond, Joshua plunged forward.
“For the record, there’s nothing wrong with option one—if that’s what you really want.
Only trouble is, it’s not what I want. Your heart might not be involved in this, but mine is.
” He bowed his head. “I do get it, Alex. Todd did a number on you, and because of that, you find it hard to trust any guy.”
“No, you really don’t get it.” Alex swallowed.
“When you’re together for that long… when you’ve invested almost twenty-three years in someone, you think it’s for life.
And then, when he… Christ, talk about pulling the rug out from under me…
” He struggled to catch his breath. “Something as devastating as that makes it hard to trust that another relationship is even possible.”
Joshua raised his chin and stared at him.
“How long have we known each other now? Long enough that you ought to know something very fundamental about me, but it appears I have to spell it out. Fine.” He cupped Alex’s chin, forcing him to look Joshua in the eye.
“I. Am. Not. Todd. I’m here. I’m as solid and permanent as it gets.
And I’m. Not. Going. Anywhere.” He held Alex’s face between his hands.
“And get this, Alex Rycliffe. You are not a phase. You are not an experiment. This is not me dipping my toes into gay sex. Life is too fucking short to play around with. And yeah, so I may have just had the most fantastic orgasm of my fucking life when I said those words, but that didn’t make them any the less true.
I told you I loved you and I fucking meant every word of it. ”
Alex’s throat seized and his chest tightened. He covered one of Joshua’s hands with his own, unable to get the words out. Any words, to make this right.
Joshua drew in a deep breath. “Right now, you’ve got a lot to think about.
You’ve got the trial coming, and Greg is relying on you to make sure those bastards get what they deserve.
And no, I don’t want you to say those words back to me.
Not now, at any rate. All I want is for you to think about what I’ve said.
” He smiled. “At least you know where I stand now. So you need to go home and think about what it is you really want, and when you’re ready to talk about it, then you come find me.
We’re not gonna complicate matters with dinner or cooking or even dates.
I’m gonna stay away. I’m giving you time and space to decide what your answer is to my first question.
” He removed his hands slowly. “I’ll be waiting. Like I said, I’m not going anywhere.”
When Joshua opened the car door, Alex gaped at him. “Wait… you’re really leaving?”
Joshua nodded. “You need time. We’ll talk when you’re ready.” He leaned across and kissed Alex softly on the lips. “See you in court.” And with that, he got out of the car and walked away.
Alex stared at him, his head reeling. That…
that did not just happen. What floored him was Joshua’s manner.
Even when he’d laid it on the line, he’d been calm and collected.
Whatever else Alex was feeling right then, he had a whole lot of respect for Joshua.
He was giving Alex exactly what he needed.
Not what he wanted, of course. The idea that their physical relationship was about to be on hiatus was not a pleasant one. Then he reasoned that Joshua knew exactly what he was doing.
Abstinence was one helluva way to focus the mind.
Alex started the engine, then pulled his car out of the parking lot. The lights would still be there the following year. What he needed to ensure was that so was Joshua.
~ 0 ~
Joshua peered into the living room. Greg and Micah were curled up on the couch, half asleep. Naomi was reading in the armchair. She gazed at him with wide eyes.
“Why are you back so soon?” She peered behind him. “And where’s Alex?”
“Gone home.”
Micah sat upright. “What happened?”
Joshua sighed. “Look, Alex and I needed to talk. We talked.”
“Then why didn’t he come with you?” Greg asked.
“Because he has some thinking to do.” When Micah got to his feet, Joshua held up his hand.
“And before you say a word, no, I’m not gonna drive over there and have it out with him.
There’s nothing more to say. I just need to leave him alone to work it out for himself.
” He gave a half smile. “This is what grownups do, all right? And you don’t have to worry about me, okay?
I’m not gonna break down or anything. I just have to be patient and trust that he’ll arrive at the right conclusion.
” He narrowed his gaze. “Without any help from you guys.”
Naomi gazed back at him with an innocent expression. “Us? What could we do?”
“I dread to think. But right now Alex’s main concern is the trial, which is as it should be, so we’re gonna let him focus on that.”
“Of course.” Greg got up from the couch, came over to Joshua, and gave him a hug. “I’ll make some hot chocolate. It’s freezing out there. Why don’t you sit down and get warm?”
Naomi vacated the armchair. “Sit here by the fire.”
“Naomi made cookies this afternoon,” Micah added. “You want a couple?”
Joshua chuckled as he sat down. “Okay, who are y’all, and what have you done with my family?”
Naomi grabbed a cushion and sat at his feet. “Just because you’re being all grownup about this, doesn’t make it hurt any less. And okay, so you may not break down… that doesn’t mean you’re not gonna be thinking about Alex, right?”
He stroked her long, brown hair. “Oh, I’ll be thinking about him,” he said quietly.
But not right then. This moment was for family.
~ 0 ~
“What the fuck is there to think about?”
Alex sighed. He should have known telling Manda was a bad idea. “He’s not being unreasonable,” he argued.
Manda snorted. “I didn’t think that for a second.
Joshua’s hurting because he knows how fucking brilliant you two could be together, and you, you…
idiot, you’ve been pushing him away. So now you need to get your head out of your ass before you fuck this up completely. And don’t let Turd ruin this for you.”
“You can’t keep calling him that, you know.”
“Why not? If the cap fits, an’ all that. Just let him go, Alex. He’s caused you enough pain.”
Alex sighed. “I only called to see if you wanted to spend Christmas with me.”
There was a pause. “Much as I would love to spend the holidays with you? I’m sort of hoping you’ll have plans that won’t involve me. Because if you don’t, then I will get on the first available flight, and I’ll be coming to kick your ass.”
Alex was hoping he’d have plans too. But mostly… he was hoping.