When I was fifty-four （2021）
When I was fifty-four
He appeared beside the Christmas tree, and I didn’t hesitate. I walked into his open arms, and we kissed, pouring a year of longing and heartache into them.
When we parted, I stroked his beard. “I know I say it every Christmas Eve, but my God, I’ve missed you.”
“I know, I feel the same. I think the girls are getting sick of me walking into their stable, and pouring my heart out.”
“Do they get that a lot?”
He smiled. “Only every day. Are you ready?”
“Yes.” My intention to talk about what lay on my heart faded into nothing. I can’t tell him. I’m all he has. The knowledge of all those centuries alone weakened my resolve. I can’t do that to him.
“Have you spoken to Ben today?”
I nodded. “This morning. I caught him just before he went out to work.”
“I’ve never asked. What does he do?” Nicholas smiled. “I try not to watch your family too closely. It feels too much like I’m stalking them.”
“He’s an army chaplain. He’s stationed on a US airbase in Germany.”
“So that was why they moved to Europe?”
“Uh-huh. He’s been on a few different bases. You should hear Becca and Pete speaking German. Not that that’s the only foreign language they speak. Smart kids.” Except they wouldn’t be kids for much longer. It came as a shock to realize they’d be twenty soon.
“When did you last see him?”
“Can we not talk about this?” It wasn’t that I minded the topic, it was just that every minute we spent talking about Ben or my job, or my life, that was one minute we didn’t get to spend together.
He sighed. “I understand.” He held out his hand. “Let’s go.”
“Wait.” I grabbed a parcel from under the Christmas tree. He gave me an inquiring glance, and I smiled. “It’s for you. And yes, you can open it before I come back.”
His eyes shone. “I can’t remember the last time someone left me a Christmas present. I don’t count the milk and cookies.”
I swear, I heard Dancer’s huff of impatience in my head. “I think we’d better go.”
As we climbed into the sleigh, I knew this wouldn’t be like all the Christmas Eves we’d spent together. My heart was heavy with the knowledge of what had to come.
I lay in his arms, my head resting on his shoulder, my heartbeat settling back into its usual rhythm. I needed to get in the shower, because his come was drying on my stomach.
Except I couldn’t move.
“That has to be the most appropriate gift ever,” he murmured.
I smiled. Cloning my cock and presenting him with it, complete with battery, had been a moment of inspiration. “Now you get to have me inside you when I’m not around.”
“A vibrating you, too.” He chuckled. “I have to be honest. Some really wicked thoughts came into my head while you were using it on me.”
I craned my neck. “Such as having both of them inside you at the same time?”
His mouth fell open. “How did you—”
I laughed. “Yup, you are definitely a twenty-first century gay man.” I lay my head back down. The only sound in the room was the crackle of the logs burning in the fireplace.
We need to talk. Except I didn’t want to, not after we’d made love.
“Penny for your thoughts,” he murmured.
“Not sure they’re worth that,” I lied.
“Then how about you tell me what it is that’s bothering you.”
I craned my neck once more, frowning.
He shrugged. “How long have I known you? Long enough to know there’s something badly wrong that you’re not telling me. So please, put me out of my misery.”
I knew I couldn’t put it off any longer.
I sat up in bed. “I thought I could do this, but I can’t.”
“Do what?”
I gestured to the bed. “This. This once-a-year reunion, where we eat, talk, laugh, make love, make love again—it can’t go on.”
I couldn’t miss the flash of panic. “Why? Why can’t it?”
“Because it’s not enough,” I shouted. My words rebounded off the walls.
He winced, and I instantly regretted my outburst. “I’m sorry, but I can’t keep doing the same thing.
Spending an entire year waiting for one fucking night.
Not a day goes by when you’re not in my thoughts.
Yes, I’m doing my job, but it feels like my life is on hold, that I only start living when you walk through my door. And when you leave me…” God, this hurt.
“You feel as if it ends?”
I nodded. “And what makes it all the more difficult to share, is that I’ve known for a while now that—” I clammed up.
“Anthony. Tell me. No more secrets, okay?”
I focused on his sweet face, my heart quaking. “I love you. You’re so much more than my best friend. When I’m not with you, I want to be—only I can’t, can I? I can’t cope with being your lover one day a year.” I swallowed. “It’s not enough anymore.”
He studied me, and the silence that descended swelled until I felt it pressing on me, weighing me down. Finally, he sighed. “Then you have to make a decision.”
My stomach was rock hard. “What do you mean?”
“There are options you need to consider. The first one is that we call it a day.”
Dizziness stole over me, and my heartbeat raced. No. No.
“I did say many years ago that if either of us felt this wasn’t working, we should be honest and say so. Well… maybe this is that day.”
My throat seized. I didn’t want to lose him.
He gave a hard, obvious swallow. “I don’t want that either.”
Thank God.
“What’s the next option?” My voice croaked.
“We continue as we have been doing, making the best of it.”
“But I just told you, I can’t do that.”
“I know. Which leads me to the final option.” He locked gazes with me. “You walk away from your life, your realm, and you join me in mine. Forever.”
Oh God. Something fluttered in my belly. Adrenaline flooded through me.
“I know,” he said, not breaking eye contact. “I’m asking a lot. I’m asking you to commit to an existence where there is only the two of us. And the reindeer of course.”
His attempt at levity fell flat. “But it’s more than that, isn’t it? You’re asking me to give up life as a human being, to become like you—immortal. Am I right?”
He nodded. “You’d forever be at the age you are now.”
“But… I have family. You’re asking me to walk away from them too.”
He stared at me, aghast. “No, I would never do that. But… you would only see them one day a year.”
The light dawned. “You’re suggesting I come back here on Christmas Eve?” He nodded. “So while you’re doing your thing, delivering presents to the world, I would be with Ben and his family? And when you returned to this realm I would come too?”
“Yes. I know that’s a lot to ask.”
“But that is what you’re asking, isn’t it?”
His face was solemn. “Yes. I don’t want to lose you. And the only way forward I can see is that you come to live with me.”
Talk about torn.
“You once said that a man could go crazy living alone for so many centuries.” He smiled. “Well, I haven’t gone crazy—but I don’t know how you would cope with my lifestyle. I don’t know if you could cope without shopping, coffee shops, work—people.”
I didn’t know either. I didn’t have a ton of friends, but I wasn’t a hermit.
“And because this is such a huge decision, I don’t expect an answer right away.”
“I was going to ask about that. When… When would you want to know?”
And can I make that decision?
“How about I give you a year? Until next Christmas Eve?”
I figured it would take me a year just to come to terms with the enormity of what he was offering.
He held his hands up. “I’m not going to pressure you. It has to be your decision. But…”
“But?”
“There’s something you need to know.” He paused, then swallowed. “I love you too.”
Exhilaration zinged through me. He loves me. Which only made my choice all the more difficult. “And you call this no pressure?”
My heart sank as he sat up. “What do you want to do? Do you want to stay here, have dinner with me—or do you want to go home? Because I think what I’ve put before you is going to weigh heavily on you, and I don’t think either of us is going to be relaxed enough to enjoy our usual Christmas Eve together. ”
He’d summed up the situation perfectly.
“You’re right. I need to go home.” I glanced down. “After I’ve had a shower.”
I could see my attempt at levity fell flat too.
He held his arms wide. “Come here.”
I sank into his embrace, and he pulled me down onto the bed. He held me to him. “I know so much is going to go through your head this coming year.”
“You think?”
He kissed my cheek. “I’ll be thinking about you, and I promise, I won’t check in on you. I’ll leave you alone.”
I wasn’t sure if that comforted or saddened me. “Thank you.”
I was faced with a decision no man on earth had ever faced before me—and I was torn. Only one of the options he presented would provide me with any form of happiness.
I just wasn’t sure I could accept it.
“And now I’ll take you home,” he murmured.
“I did do the right thing, didn’t I? Telling you how I felt?” Because right then I wasn’t so sure.
“You did. Always say what’s in your heart.”
“Even if saying it has… consequences?”
He cupped my face. “Yes. I know I said no pressure, but… Someone brought us together. We’re meant to be together. I believe that.”
So did I.
“And that means I’m going to spend this year in hope.” He met my gaze. “Because that’s all I can do.”
“Then take me home. I have a lot of thinking to do.”
And a year to do it in.