Chapter 10
Ten
KNOX
This is going to crash and burn again , I keep thinking as we are surprising Hope with the new place. We’re not moving in for another ten days, but it’ll give her something to look forward to. I keep glancing at the backseat where she’s sandwiched between Jaxon and Dimitri.
Neither of them touch her unless she’s paying attention, but Jaxon gets around that by spreading his legs to the point that their thighs are constantly touching. I hate that she flinches away from me. Dimitri can be pissed; he can stay pissed.
I won’t regret fucking Hope, but the other two points… I can’t fucking undo it. I can’t go back in time and keep Coach from grabbing her. I can’t make myself fire that gun.
“Jax, shut up. Dimitri isn’t pushing me into your space. Stop blaming him. You could have sat upfront,” Hope snorts.
“That’s the problem. He’s not doing that and he should be.” Jax flashes a ridiculous smile.
She rolls her eyes, but I see a hint of smile on her lips. I almost smile too, just happy that she’s happy.
Dimitri slides his hand over Hope’s thighs, pulling her closer against him. “You get her every night. Sharing is caring.”
“Yeah, I care about Hope more than you.”
She shoves them both. “Hey. There’s going to be a ‘hands off’ rule if you two are going to use me in a tug of war!”
“Always the front seat, sweetheart,” I say.
Hope meets my eyes in the rearview. “I do like the front seat.”
“Rude,” Jaxon argues.
“I second that,” Dimitri grumbles.
“Well, he’s not going to be pulling me onto his lap the whole drive!” Hope sits taller. “He’d never distract himself while driving.”
Oh, if she only knew the ways I wanted to distract her.
They tease each other a little softer until Hope gets riled. “No more three in the back seat! Never again, do you hear me?”
When we get out of the car, she narrows her eyes at Jax and Dimitri. “I mean it.”
She steps closer to me, then looks up, a soft smile playing on her lips. “Are we going to see a friend? A shady new therapist?” she guesses. “You three should tell me where we’re going when we’re going places.”
“You’re just along for the ride,” Jaxon teases.
We get to the door and I use the key we were given when we signed the paperwork, provided a bribe, and called Dimitri my boyfriend, to open the door and get to the elevator.
The ride up is quiet, and I wonder what she’ll think of the place.
When we step out of the elevator, she keeps looking around, still unaware of what we have planned.
At the end of the hall, I open the door to the bare bones of our new place. Jaxon lets out a whistle.
She looks around and her brow furrows. “I don’t understand.”
“We’ll be moving in here at the end of the month. We all canceled our leases so…” I motion.
She and Jaxon look at everything. “You want us to truly live together. And what about my place… well…” she inhales a shaky breath, and I can see her mind working this out.
“No fire escape,” I say to Jaxon.
He nods once. “A good deal.” He pats my shoulder.
Dimitri leads Hope to check out both bathrooms and looks at me. “I’ll try to deal with my shit.”
“Just picture me when you’re tackling the other team. Make me pay for shit that way. Become the MVP,” I say with a shrug even though I hate it.
Dimitri hesitates a second, then nods. It’s a step forward, which is something. Something is something to hold onto.
HOPE
I’m not sure how to feel about out new living situation.
I don’t even know what I was thinking when I cancelled my lease this morning.
Am I really going all in? Living with my monsters…
But maybe a clean, fresh start is all I need.
The place is big enough. We should get a room divider or something, or maybe build a wall somewhere. We can’t sleep in one room, right?
I kind of want to live on the balcony. I could read there since there’s another balcony above ours to keep the rain off.
I pause when I realize I’m looking forward to it.
I’m… happy, feeling light on my feet, and I try to remember the last time I didn’t feel the weight of every choice and my past on my back.
My spine feels straight, my muscles aren’t aching.
The lack of tension and pain feels wrong.
It feels even stranger when I realize I’m hungry.
“You stopped humming,” Knox says from where he’s packing a box.
“Was I?” I ask and hand him a few more things. I can’t believe we got permission to move in early. I don’t want to know what strings the guys pulled. I also have a feeling I don’t want to know why Jax and Dimitri aren’t here.
“I’m hungry,” I say, ignoring the other thoughts.
He blinks at me, then holds up a finger, pulls out his phone, and soon I hear Dimitri’s flat voice. “What?”
“Say it again, Hope.”
I roll my eyes. “I said, I’m hungry.”
“Are you kidding?!” Dimitri asks.
I laugh. “No. I am. My stomach is rumbling and everything.”
Knox beams and asks Dimitri if he and Jaxon will bring us something since we’ve packed the dishes. Then he reaches out to me. “Can I?”
“It’s not romantic if you ask.”
“Who said I was trying to be romantic?” he teases, before taking my hand and tugs me into his lap.
He squeezes me. For one second, I consider pushing him away, but he’s trying to be normal.
He’s balancing stuff with the guys, he’s choosing specific ways to touch me with warnings or asking permission, then teases me.
He sighs. “Clearly I have to hold you in place so you don’t retract that comment. ”
I shove at him. “You’re being ridiculous.”
“Nah, this is a totally normal reaction. I could tear your clothes off and say we need to dirty every piece of furniture before the yard sale,” he teases.
“We’re not taking everything?”
“No reason to. We can get things we actually want, instead of what was chosen for us,” he answers, setting me free.
I stay in his lap though, then look at his large hands. “Now that we have that settled without consulting me… Why’s Dimitri pissy?”
“It’s because of me and he’s only pissy with me. It’s fine. I deserve it.”
“Only maybe.”
“Such a loving response,” he snorts and grazes his fingers over the side of my breast. I can’t help it and tense slightly. “For reasons that matter, but things I can’t change. One that I don’t want to.” He studies me so intensely that my face flushes red.
“They know?”
“I told them.”
I narrow my eyes at him. “Without talking to me.”
“Beat me up about it,” he says. Despite his smile, I see something real in his eyes. “I’m a really good punching bag.”
And I hate how those words make my stomach twist. Slowly, I lean closer and let my hand wander under the hem of his shirt.
“Hope,” he warns.
“You’re not a punching bag. You’re not to be used for someone’s anger, Knox,” I say as my fingers skim over his hot skin, carefully moving to his back until I feel the first scar.
“You never deserved this,” I whisper, trailing my fingers over another scar. His body tenses beneath mine and I know I’m pushing a boundary. For both of us.
“Thank you for getting me,” I say and watch how the tension fades from his body, how his jaw relaxes slightly.
“I failed you, Hope,” he grumbles out and takes my wandering hand in his.
JAXON
We’re moving in this weekend, tomorrow, and I’m worried about her snapping again or slipping into an attack.
So when we’re done with the day and I see her cleaning things and double checking her records, I walk over. I make sure she hears me, my footsteps echoing. I clear my throat too and she turns around.
“Hi, Jax.”
I wrap my arms around her and kiss her cheek. “You went a whole day without panicking.”
She winces, then shakes her head. “Coach Carpenter scared me and I had to do the box-breathing exercise thing that Jo taught me, which made me mad. I guess mad is a good way to deal with anxiety.”
“That’s still better, right?”
She pauses. “I don’t know. I’m focusing on the good. That’s what I’m supposed to do, I think. We’re moving into a new place that I’m excited for. I’m actually hungry lately. I don’t scream when people touch me.”
“All good things,” I say, despite that continued whisper in my head, Not yours to protect.
I shake it off and offer to go home with Hope. She’s still not driving, but she’s stayed firm on not being squished in the backseat. I see her hesitate since we both know that Dimitri and Knox aren’t thrilled with each other, but Coach has them going over plays.
“They’ll be a while.”
“Could we start moving stuff early?” she asks. “We’re not doing the furniture, so just what we can fit in the car?”
I know she’s eager. Something about leaving the apartment has her thrilled, so I nod.
I’d do anything to keep her smiling. And to notice her nightmares starting to lessen.
It’s not a huge improvement, but she’s stopped fighting me.
She still screams, but she doesn’t fight as hard.
She hasn’t been bruising me or scratching me open.
I’ve even been tempted to put my piercings back in.
We go home, get her a snack, then start packing the car. When she bends over to put a box in, I stare shamelessly at her ass in the leggings. I have a feeling having sex in this position is out, but the view is so good.
She wiggles a little and grunts while trying to get all the boxes to fit the way she wants and I groan. She pauses, then looks at me over her shoulder. “Really, Jax?”
“I like what I like. I like your ass and the sounds you make,” I say with a shrug.
“Just… stuff the car,” she orders.
“Stuffing is definitely on my mind,” I say with a wink.
Her face goes scarlet, then she points at me. “Stop that.”
“You’ve felt me hard against you and didn’t say a word. Keep teasing me and I’ll start thinking you want it again,” I tease.
Teasing is better than half the shit on my mind lately, so I’m happy to lean into it. I pinch her ass playfully, pushing her limits just to see how far I can go.
She doesn’t end up going back up to the apartment, because I just keep bringing boxes down to watch her shimmy and get them into the car. She finally hits me with a pillow. “You’re being an ass!”
“Am I?”“I’m doing half the heavy lifting and the pushing and pulling and everything! Why aren’t you helping!”
“I handled the stairs. I might need a whole-body massage. You are a physical therapist, right? I might have pulled something in my lower back, maybe my upper thigh.”
She keeps bickering with me, finding other reasons to argue as we drive to the new apartment. We grab some boxes, then she holds the elevator as I nearly brick her into place with boxes.
“Jax!” she yells as I pick her up in my arms and toss her over my shoulder.
“You’re the only important thing to get into the apartment,” I say.
She swats my ass hard, making me groan, and my cock twitches in my pants.
“Stop torturing me, sweetheart,” I banter and step into the new apartment.
She grumbles something under her breath and I slide her down my body. Her body goes rigid, but I don’t stop, not until I know she feels how hard I am for her again.
“Jax,” she whispers, and a blush colors her cheeks.
“Nothing to worry about, I’ll only fuck you when you ask nicely,” I tease and tuck her raven black hair behind her ear.
I can’t help the slight sting in my chest when she doesn’t answer. And with a slight smile, I go and grab the boxes out the elevator. If it didn’t go down already.
With a sigh, I press the elevator button. Seems I’m too late.
My hands become restless as images try to flood my mind.
Not mine to protect.
Not mine to protect.
“Jaxon, I need you.”
The elevator doors open and the memories disappear in the forgotten corner of my mind. I roll my shoulders and plaster a smile on my face as I blink away the fuzz.
“Took you two long enough,” I say as I see Knox and Dimitri standing beside the boxes.
“Couldn’t wait, I see,” Knox jokes.
“You know how he is,” Dimitri joins, and they both grab a box and walk past me.
They know nothing.
They can never know.
They will never understand.