Chapter 11
Eleven
HOPE
What was I thinking? Room dividers? Yeah… right…
There’s one bed. It’s massive, bigger than a king, but there’s only one. Like, I know we have some twisted trauma-bonding relationship going on and I hope someday we can have something real… but I’m not ready for them. I know they’re ready for me. They’ve made it obvious, but…
“Told you,” Dimitri says.
“It’s for all of us, obviously,” Knox explains.
I keep staring at it. It’s already covered with sheets and a comforter and pillows. It looks so comfortable and honestly, we could all lay in it and barely be touching.
“When you’re ready,” Jax says seriously. “Not before.”
“You’re the one who’s already filling her bed,” Dimitri grumbles.
“Oh, so you’re ready to cuddle me too?” Jaxon asks. “If that’s what you want—”
“None of us want to feel you laying on us,” Knox snorts. “Happened once at an away game and we’re definitely not going to be doing that again.”
“Go on, cuddle him like a man!” Dimitri laughs.
“No way, I don’t want Knox! He snores like he’s a whale with allergies,” Jaxon complains.
All their laughter and playful insults should make me smile. But I can’t tear my eyes away from the bed.
I wait for the panic, or excitement. But nothing comes. I just feel a moment of emptiness. Is this what I wanted? Did I choose this? Am I still in control or does it only seem that way?
“Hope,” Knox whispers as his fingers slightly graze over mine. “Say something, sweetheart.”
I should be honest, I shouldn’t hide myself from them. They won’t use it against me… at least… they don’t do that anymore. But why can’t I move, why can’t I speak?
“What do you want?” Dimitri asks and I think it over.
What do I want?
I want to be normal.
I want to be fearless.
I want to heal.
I didn’t trust Jo and I’m not ready to dive back into real counseling and relive that experience, but I need to get used to being touched and touching others.
“Maybe we could try… something,” I murmur.
All eyes are suddenly on me. I exhale slowly. “It’s affecting my job. I know that Coach Carpenter is being lenient, but I’m drawing a ton of attention to myself and I don’t like it. I don’t like it ruining the comfort. So… I kind of have an idea.” I think.
Knox looks at Dimitri. Dimitri looks at Jax and he looks between them. “I don’t fucking know.”
I bite my bottom lip, my eyes shift between them, and I try to find out how to say this, or even start the conversation. At least it is something where I get to choose, be in control.
Exhaling slowly, I swallow. “If the answer’s no, I’ll respect it, okay? I promise. No guilting, no grumbling. If it’s a no, that’s it.”
They don’t answer, but I feel something shift in the room, especially since I haven’t left the room or moved away from the bed. Knox’s whole body is poised to step forward, but he pauses.
He clears his throat. “All of us are listening, baby.”
“I think… if I stay in control… we can try me touching you… and you touching me. Not sexually. Jax, you mentioned a massage and… and something like that,” I manage to choke out. I clear my throat. “But… you’d have to have your wrists tied.”
DIMITRI
I glance up at my wrists, tied to the headboard. Next to me is Jax, his wrists tied with rope, since he said he could handle it. Knox clearly got the worst of it since he’s tied up with a towel. I’m pretty sure his fingers are already going numb, but he’s not willing to move more than his eyes.
Jaxon is the only one face down, grumbling into a pillow about his own sass, but Knox has Hope nearly on top of him as she massages his shoulders, his pecs, and slowly strokes down his abs.
“Hope?” he asks.
“You’re allowed to move. No warnings or anything necessary.”
He still moves slowly. He adjusts his hands a bit, then lifts his leg, rubbing his foot along her calf.
She jumps ever so slightly, but keeps touching him, tracing his abs, swirling her finger around his belly button, then moving her palms to his chest. She meets his eyes and they just stare at each other for a moment.
She slides her hand up his arm, then over his bound wrists to trace his fingers. He squeezes her hand awkwardly, tries to stroke her wrist, then she shivers and nods. “See, I can do it.”
Jax gets a back massage and actually moans. He kicks his feet, overwhelmingly pleased, but after the first five minutes, something shifts. He starts breathing raggedly.
“Jax, is that too much pressure?” she asks.
He turns his head slightly. “I’m falling asleep. Touching you would be better.”
“That comes next,” she says. “We’re staying fair.”
His eyes meet mine and I see pain there. I sometimes wonder what goes on in his head.
Then Hope’s straddling my thigh and every thought flees my head. She stares down at me as she slowly touches me. I know it’s not meant to be sexual. She’s tracing an occasional scar, exploring me, mumbling about some tight muscles, but the more she touches me, the more she relaxes.
I’m holding my breath by the time she leans forward, afraid to breathe too hard and fuck it up.
Then she frees my hands and guides them to her hips. “Nothing sexual, Dimitri.”
I breathe out and enjoy feeling her skin under my touch. She swallows when I brush my fingertips over her thighs, but then I touch her arms. She takes careful breaths, but then gently pats my hands.
She leans forward and kisses my cheek, her breath fanning over my mouth. “Thank you, Dimitri.”
I almost groan.
She flips Jaxon over after undoing his wrists and he immediately runs his fingers through her hair, touches her nape, takes her hands, and puts them back on him. “It’s new having you be sweet instead of clawing me.”
She rolls her eyes. “Yeah. Yeah. It’s a special moment until you ruin it.”
He chuckles and kisses her neck. She doesn’t flinch, but I can see her mouthing something. She lasts about the same time, but I have a feeling she’s pushing herself.
Finally, she unties Knox’s wrists. His fingertips are purple. She gasps and rubs them. “Knox, you need these!”
“And neither of us are great at being touched. Don’t worry. They’re numb. I can’t feel anything,” he says before stroking her back. He massages her shoulders and pulls her closer to kiss her forehead. She rubs her nose against his.
“I’m trying,” she whispers and I can see the tears filling her eyes.
Yeah. It’s real fucking obvious that she’s trying and working hard. It’s humbling. A little more of the anger I’ve been holding onto when it comes to Knox calms. If she can forgive him for letting her be taken, I can too.
Obviously, she was okay with having sex with him and still is or she’d flinch every time he touches her. Maybe we can all try a bit more. Jax on whatever he’s dealing with and trying to avoid, Knox on being less of an ass in general, and me… with forgiving him and myself.
All for Hope.
KNOX
I keep glancing at Hope as we work on unpacking. She’s focused, determined to get things done because she wants us to enjoy our first weekend here without having to do a ton. She made it sound logical, like it’s to keep us from being tired Monday, but I think she has other things in mind.
“Um… guys,” Dimitri says.
“Food here?” Hope asks, eyes lighting up.
“Yes, baby!” Jax says, but his voice isn’t upbeat by any stretch.
I stand up and walk out first, noticing how Jax and Dimitri are focused on the TV. The second I hear “pillar of the community,” I want to turn Hope around, but she moves to the couch, then goes pale.
Moving behind her, I wrap my arms around her shoulders, reminding her that she’s here with us.
“It’s hard to say exactly how long Coach Harbaugh has been missing. There are several disagreements about his last location, but he’s not the type to miss practice,” the female host says.
She turns the mic over to Dimitri’s dad. His eyes are dark, guarded. “We’re looking into the matter. Coach Harbaugh has done so much for the community. He’s turned boys into men, taught discipline, and he’s done all that despite what he’s suffered.”
“Have you heard anything from family or close friends?” the host asks.
Dimitri’s dad looks right at the camera. Hope lets out a squeak and Dimitri takes her hand. “I should have hit him harder.”
“No,” he finally says before adjusting his police badge. “Unfortunately, we haven’t. Last I heard, he was estranged from his daughter. His team was his family and the community his friends. We’re all worried. If you have any tips, call…”
Jaxon mutes the TV and rubs his jaw. “Hope… does anyone else know about the cabin?”
“I don’t know,” she wheezes. “Oh, god. They’re going to find him. They’ll find everything. They’ll find me. They’ll…”
“They won’t find you. Dimitri’s good at what he does.” I kiss the top of her head and rub her arms. “You’re safe.”
I share a look with Dimitri, then with Jaxon.
If anyone does find the body, I’m taking the fall.
I should have done it from the start. I’ll make sure everyone knows he was abusive.
I can say it was to me. I can say that I did it to protect someone.
I’ll say plenty and make sure it’s on camera.
What I say is up to Hope, but she doesn’t get to suffer more because of him.
“His name is in the news, not his body,” Jaxon says before nodding to me. “Doesn’t mean a thing.”
Dimitri nods. “Dad is choosing to keep information tight. If he really wanted this taken care of, he’d point them to us. He’s not. No calls. He has just as much to lose.”
“That doesn’t mean everyone will agree,” Hope whispers. “Oh god… the therapist. What if she—”
“No what-ifs,” Jaxon says, kissing her shoulder and almost my hand. “Look at me, Hope.” When she does, he nods. “We’re going forward. Not backwards. Backwards is dangerous. Forward we can control.”
Dimitri and I stare at him. He randomly spouts this kind of shit, but I don’t know where it comes from. I nod once. “A very good weekend.”
“An amazing day. I don’t regret what we did, only that we waited so long,” Dimitri agrees.
She trembles, then pushes her food away. “I need a shower. Please…”
We all let her go. She almost runs to the shower and I have a feeling she’s going to scrub herself raw, trying to scrub away memories. A part of me wants to go with her, just to hold her, to let her fall apart in a safe way.
Jax rubs his jaw. “This isn’t going to stay buried. He’s valued even though he shouldn’t be.”
“It’s better he’s dead. If my dad’s smart, Coach will stay missing so his legacy stays intact. They won’t want it getting out,” Dimitri says.
“And if it doesn’t?” I say softly.
“Don’t like that idea,” Jax says. “She won’t either.”
“She won’t do better in jail. I didn’t believe her.
When we came here, I still didn’t believe it.
Until she whimpered and started crying rather than just going with him, I would have…
” I exhale slowly. “If anyone’s going to pay for that crime, it’s me.
I beat him to a pulp multiple times over.
I know where he’s buried. She’s the grieving daughter if that’s what she chooses to be. ”
Dimitri and Jaxon are both quiet, but I need a confirmation. I turn around to face them and narrow my eyes. “She’s plenty of things. We all know that. But she’s not guilty.”
Dimitri nods first. “She’s not.”
“And she’ll need at least one of us if this goes to trial,” I say, glowering at Jaxon.
He digs his thumbs into his eyes for a moment like he can push back a migraine. “Fuck it. She’s not guilty. Couldn’t be her. She’d never.”
“Exactly. I’m the one with the temper. I have the muscle. I know him well. I knew his secrets, all of them, so I have the motive,” I say with more confidence than I feel.
Only then do we hear the shower turn on.
Well shit.