Chapter 14
Fourteen
JAXON
Ifeel good, really good. Sleeping with Hope without her tearing at my face is new and amazing. Dimitri got Knox’s spot last night because Hope mildly panicked in her half-asleep state when she didn’t have me next to her.
It’s a huge boost to my ego and considering the game tonight, it’s badly needed. She, however, woke up a few times, muttering and whimpering as she twisted between us. Dimitri moved closer, spooked her, and I had to talk her back into relaxation as Dimitri nuzzled her back and tangled their legs.
We didn’t have practice today or a workout. Instead, we went over plays again, Coach Carpenter reminded us to play clean because we can’t afford to have anyone ride the bench or get injured at this point, and now we have a few hours to wander, time to eat, and a fixed time to get back.
Which brings me right to Hope’s office.
“Hi, sweetheart. Are you feeling nicer after this morning?” I ask.
Her face twists in annoyance and hurt as she puts down her files for today. “I’m annoyed with myself, not you or—”
“Yeah, Dimitri knows. He didn’t take it personally, but maybe he should,” I tease while stepping closer to her. “I’m obviously your favorite.”
“Clearly, you’re my favorite punching bag. Don’t get too excited,” she says while her face heats.
I stroke her cheek and watch her blush deepen. I grin and move even closer, crowding her space. If she’s going to get better, she has to get used to being a little uncomfortable so she can push herself when it matters. I know that.
“So, whose jersey are you going to wear tonight?”
“No one’s!” she argues.
“Oh, going to go nude? I don’t think we rehearsed that play. If you flash the other team at just the right time—”
“Jax!” she yells. She looks around and huffs before giving a slight smile. “You’re the one who would be distracted, and you know I’m wearing my uniform.”
“A shame on both accounts then,” I say while tugging her shirt. “Although, I do love a woman in uniform.”
“You’re ridiculous. Out. We’re not staying here. You need to eat and to stretch, plus you need to get ready and I know you’re getting yourself worked up in the wrong way.” She shoves me towards the door, but I notice the flowers then.
“Who’s getting you flowers, Hope?”
“Oh, those. I don’t know. Card didn’t come with a name. It doesn’t matter. I don’t like them.”
I’m about to sass her about having a secret boyfriend when I realize they’re daisies. So many daisies. Tattered in some areas, but the yellow center still obvious. I just stare at them while fighting the thoughts threatening to drag me down.
“I just don’t want…”
Not yours to protect.
“Please, Jax, just understand. I just…”
Her voice, so broken and soft, the way she was pleading for things that she wouldn’t explain, the weight she was losing, how she wouldn’t open her door.
“Daisy, please. Open up. Please. We can go to the mall. We can do anything,” I insist.
“I just want to be alone. Please. Please, Jax,” she says.
I wiggle the doorknob once more as my brother’s voice whispers in my ear. “She’s not yours to protect.”
I see the card on the floor while my ears ring with all those past comments.
“Mom, come on, she’s not okay, she…” Why won’t they hear me? Don’t they see the fear in those big pale blue eyes? Begging us to notice her. To help her with her demons.
“Jaxon, just leave her be, she’ll come around,” my mom assures. “It's just a phase, nothing to worry about. And besides, you're not the only brother she has. She’ll be fine.”
I put the pieces of the card together. “You won’t get away with this.”
She’s not yours to protect.
“Jaxon?” Hope asks. “Aren’t you hungry?”
“No,” I manage to choke out.
“Do you want to—”
“I’d really like to sleep,” I whisper.
It doesn’t feel like me talking. Too calm, too quiet, too exhausted for me to explode and throw the vase at the wall. So I don’t demand where these flowers came from or scream for answers.
“You have time for a nap.”
I freeze and turn to Hope.
That’s not the next line. The next line is an order to get up. It’s being told I’m lazy. That I want attention. That I’m wasting my time.
She gently takes the note from my hand and tosses it in the trash, then leads me out of the office. “I’m kind of exhausted too. I didn’t sleep well last night. We can nap together.”
Hope doesn’t understand and she shouldn’t. I won’t tell. It’s mine to shoulder. It’s my fault.
I squeeze Hope’s hand. But Hope is mine, right?
DIMITRI
“Jax, what the fuck?!” I demand as we huddle up between plays.
The other guys look at him. He’s been missing easy blocks because he’s going for the throat. He’s already gotten multiple flags thrown. He’s lucky he hadn’t been benched. We’re down because he’s being sloppy.
This isn’t him. I’ve seen him play with a stick up his ass. I’ve seen him dealing with plenty and he’s consistent.
“I’m handling it,” he growls.
“Yeah, handing them the game.” Knox hits his helmet. “Remember the plays. We need you solid. Take them out the right way.”
“We don’t want you hurt. We need you,” Ben agrees.
Jax grumbles something, then keeps talking to himself. I shake my head, but we go again. We need to gain more yards, push them back. We’re down by five and we need to recover before we hit the half mark.
I give Knox a look. He shrugs and turns his gaze to Jax too. This isn’t normal. Something is wrong and we don’t have a way to dive into it. Definitely not right now with a clock counting down. I don’t know what the hell could have changed since we went over plays, but it’s going to get him hurt.
The ball is snapped, Knox charges. All Jax has to do is block for him. Jax stands strong but doesn’t shift his weight. The tackle is rough. It’s punishment, not game play.
I hear a crunch and a whistle is blown. We wait for the refs, but I see Hope steadily moving closer past the field boundary. She wants to make sure he’s okay. She’s as anxious as I feel.
We’re awarded the yards Knox gained us, only ten from the endzone now, but Jax is still sprawled.
A ref motions us over and I hurry. He looks dazed. I reach down and grab his jersey. “Get your shit together. We’re doing this. It’s happening. It’s on you, Jax. Let’s fucking go.”
“Get off me,” he snarls, slapping my hand away. “I’m good.”
“Like hell you are. If you can’t handle it, ride the bench and wait until you can,” Knox argues.
Jaxon shoves him and a ref steps in. “We’re playing a clean game here.”
A medic checks Jax’s eyes, and he’s declared fine to play. Coach Carpenter is clearly ready to pull the plug, but we have limits and he wants Jax to shine, to reveal what he can do.
“One play. We get the goal,” I demand.
The others agree and I feel the shift in mood, but Jax is a black cloud that’s burning up. It’s a matter of time before he goes supernova at this point.
I’d feel better if I knew what was causing it.
I’d feel a lot better if he could wait to have his meltdown until we got home.
But that’s not Jax’s style.
JAXON
Fuck them. Fuck all of them for being fine.
Fuck all these assholes and fuck… fuck me too.
The second the ball is in the air, I move.
I’m not waiting. I can take any hit. I can handle it all because I do plenty.
I can handle it. It’s not too much. She’s not too much.
And if Daisy… I don’t see the tackle coming.
It’s dirty. Two guys on me. One tackles me from behind, the other from the side.
I feel the way my back tweaks before I hit the ground and I do the only thing I can think of.
I drive my knee into the guy’s stomach until he wheezes and rolls over.
Killing death itself is like killing the memories.
And since neither of those are possible, I’ll have to take it out on these assholes.
The guy that’s on top of me get an elbow to the stomach and I drive my cleat into his ankle until he lets out a “take it fucker” in my ear.
I shove him off me and struggle to get up. My back is fucked. I don’t know if it’s a muscle or bone, but it’s fucked and they’re going to pay. I didn’t have anyone there to make her pay.
But I will.
No one gets to forget her.
My sister deserved better and she’s going to get it.
I don’t remember getting to my feet, but I remember the yelling. Knox trying to hold me back and me shoving him to the side and slipping my leg out so he’s on the ground.
A haze of red falls over me while Daisy sobs in my ear, begging me to end it, telling me she needs help, telling me she doesn’t know how to make it stop. My parents saying I can’t save her. She has to save herself. She’s not mine to protect.
But she should have been.
If I would have stayed. If I hadn’t gone to play a pick-up game.
If I just would have answered the fucking phone!
“Jax! Hit the bench!” Coach Carpenter yells.
I didn’t hit the bench for her. I’m not stopping until it’s done. Until we’ve won. Until we can rest. Daisy deserves better. She’s going to get it. She’s going to fucking get it no matter what it costs me.
It cost her everything.
I’ll give the same.
“On the bench, now!” Coach yells.
Fucking Coach. Trying to tell me that she doesn’t want to be saved. That she likes the torture. He deserves what he’s going to get. I’ll give it to him. I’m bigger. I’m younger.
He’s her father. He should know better. He should do better!
Parents are supposed to save!
Family is supposed to matter!
I’m ready to shove him back where he belongs, buried deeper than Daisy with less fanfare and love, and then she’s in front of me. Her dark hair, her big eyes, so tired. So shaky… so… soft.
“I should have been there,” I breathe as her lips move. “I’m so sorry.”
I stroke her cheek, tracing the bags under her eyes. She’s so thin, so little. How long has it been since she smiled? How long has it been since she laughed and meant it? How long did it take me to notice the scabs on her wrists or the fact she was wearing long sleeves in summer?
Too long.
I failed her.
I should’ve protected her.
I never should have left her alone.
They said she wasn’t mine to protect.
Because everyone but me knew I couldn’t.