Chapter 15
Fifteen
HOPE
“Jax,” I say gently while he keeps touching my face.
His eyes are wet and he’s not listening, but he’s off the field and that’s one battle done. He’s just staring at me like I can give him something, or maybe like he owes me something. I can’t really say which.
I’m worried about him. His breathing is ragged, his eyes unfocused. Rage and grief are twisting in him, creating a world only he can touch. I know. I’ve been there.
Putting my hand over his, I squeeze his fingers. “Jax, talk to me. You’re right here. I’m here. You’re not too late. I need to check you out and make sure you’re okay. You’re barely standing and you matter.”
“Daisy,” he breathes.
Then it clicks. His sister.
I remember when she died. I remember trying to talk to him about it. In the paper it said that she committed suicide. He’s never shared details and I’ve never pushed.
I’m sure as hell not going to push now.
“Anything you can tell me, Hope?” Coach Carpenter asks as the game continues.
“He’s done,” I breathe.
Jax shakes his head. “It’s not over. It’s not fucking over. I saw the note. It’s not over!”
Coach Carpenter ignores him. “You’re the expert.”
“It’s not over!” Jaxon yells. I put my hand on his chest and keep his hand against my cheek. He focuses on me again as his body shakes. “It’s not over. It’s not over, Daisy. It’s not.”
“It’s not over for us. We’re just going to go somewhere else. Somewhere quieter, okay?” I ask.
“You good alone with him?”
“Yes,” I say before Jax can spiral. “We’re good. Aren’t we, Jax?”
“Nothing’s good.”
“Tell Coach Carpenter it’s safe for you to be with me,” I encourage.
“I’d never, never hurt you. I won’t leave you again. Bad only happens when I’m gone. I won’t be gone again,” he insists, his voice starting to break.
It takes time, but I manage to get him to an office. It’s not mine since we’re at the stadium, but it’s private.
Jax hands tremble as he tries to stop me from taking off his helmet, then his mouth guard, and his jersey, but I ask him to be sweet and he just… stops. He might as well be a doll.
Once he’s down to just his tight pants and his shoes, my fingers trail over his body, following the lines of his tattoos.
“Are you with me?” I ask.
He nods, then winces.
“Who am I, Jaxon?” I ask sharply. “Who are you seeing right now?”
“Y-you’re Hope,” he finally says. It’s like all the fight is gone and he can’t hold on anymore.
He collapses into the chair and I stay close. My eyes catch something hidden between the dark lines on his chest. And my breath hitches.
H—tattooed right on the spot where I have his initials carved into my skin. How can I never have noticed before?
He shakes his head. “What the fuck is wrong with me! I don’t… I was on the field. There was a dirty tackle and then… then yelling and Daisy and…”
I blink away the tears and push back at the emotions swirling inside me. “Tell me all about it, but I need to look at you, Jax,” I breathe.
He keeps mumbling about Daisy being there, about the note, about having to protect her, to prove he can. He’s supposed to be enough. I catch occasional words, like “call” and “late” and “protect,” but it doesn’t really make sense and I’m more focused on the fact he has a concussion.
“Hope?” he asks weakly.
I check my phone. Nothing from the guys. Then again, they are still playing. “You’re going to come with me, okay?”
“Yeah,” he breathes.
I keep his hand and lead him to the girls’ locker room. I motion for the shower and he gets through one. I sneak into the men’s locker room and get Jax’s clothes. When I get back, he’s still under the hot water. I don’t want to walk in. He’s not exactly predictable.
“How do you feel?”
“Like a fucking idiot. Nauseous as hell. My head hurts. My back hurts. I shouldn’t have… I know you’re not…”
“It’s partially the concussion. The medic shouldn’t have let you play. I’ll be dealing with that,” I say darkly.
“How… How are you, Hope? Really?”
His voice is raw, like he’s been skinned alive but is trying to hold it together. I know he’s not ready to talk about where his mind was. He hasn’t pushed me. He teases me. He holds me. He deals with the nightmare without making me explain them. I want to give him the same.
“I’m really worried about you. Other than that… I’m scared of what’s going on. I know you guys aren’t telling me something and I know it has to do with… him. But right now, that doesn’t matter.”
Jaxon steps out and I catch my eyes before they dip below his belly button, then hand him a towel. He wraps it around his waist. “I’m fine.”
“Turn around and let me confirm that, please.”
“You pulled me out of the game,” he says even as he obeys.
I touch a few spots on his back. He flinches slightly. I have him bend in a few ways and I’m pretty sure he has a strained muscle, at best. It means ideally no sitting, considering where it is, but I’m going to insist on x-rays to make sure that’s all it is.
“Hope, why did you—”
“Because I like you in one piece, Jaxon. Call me selfish for wanting you strong and capable and here with me. Call me greedy for wanting all three of you knowing you can protect me as easily as you can manhandle me. I don’t want you hurting or punishing yourself or worse than you already are and—and—it just so happens to be my job. ”
He turns around slowly and runs his hand through his hair. “I didn’t think about that.”
“I don’t know if you’ll be able to play in the next game. We need to x-ray your back. You’re going to be seeing a whole lot of me if you’re even cleared to play,” I say. “I don’t like you hurt. When are you going to get that?”
He tries for a smirk, but it falls flat. “Sounds like you want to call me your boyfriend.”
I take his hands tightly and stare up at him. “If that keeps you from charging into battle recklessly, then sure. I’ll write your number on me the next time you play.”
“Heat or ice, doc?” he asks.
“We’re going to be doing plenty. I need Coach Carpenter to sign off on me heading home. I don’t trust the medic though.”
“We’re staying.”
I scoff. “We absolutely are not. You need to go to the hospital.”
JAXON
I prefer Hope’s treatment to the hospital. Not that she leaves. It just brings up more memories I don’t want to have. More what-ifs I don’t want to give attention to.
If I’d gotten home thirty minutes earlier… fifteen… would there have been someone to save?
Anytime I start to slip into thinking, Hope squeezes my hand and asks a question.
She’s consistent and the more I focus on her, the more I notice her.
How her black hair falls from her bun, the analytical glint to her eyes, the fact she doesn’t look tired or weak right now…
she’s beautiful even in fluorescent lights and with a constant antiseptic smell.
“You’re sexy,” I hum.
“See! It can’t be a mild concussion,” she notes.
“According to the scans, it is,” the doctor answers Hope.
The doctor glances at her notes. “A mild concussion. He didn’t lose consciousness.
As of right now, we’re more concerned about his back.
It doesn’t seem to be a tear, which is good, but the cartilage between the vertebrae is getting thin and… ”
She gives Hope more information and Hope nods along, keeps asking questions. I focus on the shape of her mouth, that determined set of her brows. She’s hot. Really hot. How the hell have I kept my hands off her this long?
“Um, yes. That’s all,” the doctor says, obviously uncomfortable.
“Alright. So, we’ll wait until we’re told we can leave,” Hope says.
The doctor glances at me, then to Hope, then walks out. Hope huffs and flicks me. “Put that away. You scarred the doctor.”
I’m hard because of course I am. I’m in a room with Hope in her element. I lean back. “I don’t have a heart monitor or anything hooked up. We could dim the lights and see—”
She points at me. “You’re injured. Absolutely not. I know how much football matters to you and—”
“There are more important things, Hope. There have to be. Please, let there be more important things.”
She watches me for a moment, then gently leans down and kisses me. It’s soft, hesitant, but sweet all the same. I stroke her hair and kiss her again because she lets me. Our lips part and she gently licks my bottom lip before pulling away.
“I need you okay and happy, Jax. Seeing you in a hospital gown isn’t a turn-on. It’s terrifying.”
“I’m sorry, Hope,” I whisper.
“I need you in one piece,” she whispers back and my lips find hers again.
I can’t stop the small smile as she tries to ignore my hard-on when our lips part.
“I won’t hurt you,” I whisper.
“I know,” she whispers back. “Come, I’ll get you dressed.”
“Not further undressed?” I tease and she shakes her head slightly.
It doesn’t take long before we can go. I take the pill that Hope gives me on the way home and don’t remember much of the drive.
The next thing I hear is Knox grumbling about helping me out of the car. I smile at him. “We win?”
“Barely. You being double-teamed got us the field goal that secured the win.”
“I did it,” I say with a dopy grin.
“Yeah, don’t expect a standing ovation from the team,” Dimitri says, taking my other arm.
I immediately flinch and shake my head. “Dude, my back!”
Their conversation goes in one ear and out the other until I’m in bed. I hear Hope talking. “He’s not cleared. I’m serious about that medic. He needs to be fired. Jaxon should have been taken off from a concussion. Now his back…”
“Fuck,” Knox groans.
“Come cuddle. I’m not in a hospital gown,” I demand.
“Not interested,” Dimitri says. “And you’re not in any position to seduce.”
“I’ll strike a better pose.”
Hope sighs. “You guys… I’ll talk to Coach Carpenter in the morning. Let’s just get some sleep.” Then she kisses my temple. “Wait for me.”
“I’ve been waiting for years. I can wait longer,” I say, my eyes closed as my surroundings blur together.
I hiss and open my eyes. Hope peeks at me from my side, wearing my practice jersey because she’s that fucking sweet. I smile and pull her closer. “You going to make me feel better?”
“By cuddling, Jax.”
“Much less fun. I’ll get hard again if I look at you,” I promise.
“You’re not the only one in bed,” Knox grumbles.
“Yeah, well, I don’t want your hand,” I argue.
Hope lays on my arm and moves closer, her head on my shoulder. I watch her as she rubs my belly. “Maybe… tomorrow… if you sleep well and take all your meds.”
“Best doctor.”
But sleep is impossible. I can’t get comfortable. Everything hurts. Anytime Hope moves, I feel it, but I don’t want to push her away. I’m sure if she escapes my arms, she’s going to get hurt and I can’t lose her. I can’t. She’s too important to me.
When she whimpers, Knox lifts his head then kisses her shoulder.
“You’re a good girl, sweetheart. You’re so good. You’re safe. Right here. With us. Where you belong,” I say, more out of habit than anything.
She settles back in even though her nails are digging into my arm by her face.
“That works?” Knox asks.
I nod. “Some times better than others. I can’t get comfortable. Can you…?”
I don’t want him to move her, but he slowly rolls her off my arm. I struggle to roll over, but once I’m on my side with a pillow between my knees, like Hope said, the pressure is gone.
She lets out a soft yelp, kicks, then Knox tries telling her she’s good. She doesn’t settle. He slowly moves her closer to me while massaging her side. “You’re right here, Hope. With me and Jax. You’re safe. With us…”
He falls back asleep, leaving me awake and staring at Hope. I stroke her face and gently massage her jaw since she always clenches her teeth through nightmares. I kiss her forehead.
I failed Daisy… but I’ll never fail Hope.
Not again.