Chapter 44
Chapter Forty-Four
CALEB
As soon as my dick softened, I pulled out of Noah, grabbed his jaw, and kissed him.
Within seconds, I was consumed with guilt. What the fuck is wrong with me? I made an excuse about needing to shower and was out of the house like my arse was on fire.
I drove with no destination in mind until I pulled into the underground car park of Formidable.
I enter the club and make a beeline for a private booth in the bar. After all, I’m not here to play. No, I’m here to let myself drown in my guilt and forget what a cunt I am.
Noah has cancer, his surgery is in two days, and I’m acting like a fucking child.
But seeing that letter, a fucking death letter, made something in me snap. I was angry, hurt. I love Noah and yet I fucked him like I don’t.
I don’t know how to fix this. I’d swap places with him in a heartbeat. To know I can’t carry this burden for him makes me feel useless. And now I feel even worse for making this about myself.
And yet here I am wallowing because of a letter.
I order my usual and slink back into the shadow of the booth.
Swirling the amber liquid, I watch it crash against the ice, staring at it like it holds all the answers.
“Penny for your thoughts?” someone asks, the question taking me back to when I first spoke to Noah here at this exact bar.
I knew of Noah being friends with Jax because we ran in the same circles. I saw him from afar, but that was the extent of it until I came here looking for an escape and found him sitting at the bar, drowning his sorrows.
Usually, I’d have one drink, go check in with Octavia, and then go explore the rest of the club and see what caught my attention.
But I was too drawn to Noah to make it further than the bar that night.
“Penny for your thoughts?” I asked as I sat on a stool, one away from the beautiful man with light brown hair and sad eyes.
He peered over, cocking a brow, and I honestly thought he was either going to flip me off, or tell me to mind my business.
Instead, he sighed. “Do you ever feel like you can’t do right for doing wrong, like you will never be enough, no matter how hard you try or how hard you want it?”
I was stunned not expecting any of that to spill from his lips.
“Actually, yeah, I can relate.”
I grew up seeking affection from parents who were not fit for the purpose, hence why I ended up in foster care, moving from home to home. Until Maggie and her husband, that is.
“Noah,” he said, holding out his hand towards me.
I nodded. “I know who you are. I’m Caleb,” I replied.
His lips twitched as he shook my hand once, his grip firm and warm. “Yeah, I know who you are too,” he said, his lips lifting into a smile.
I arched a brow. “Oh really?”
He’d let out a deep chuckle. “Of course, you’re not exactly hard to ignore.”
“Well, I’m flattered,” I said as a waiter came over. “My usual, please and whatever he’s having.” I nodded towards Noah.
“You're not going into the club?” Noah asked.
I shook my head. “No, not tonight.”
“I’ll have another,” he said to the waiter in response. “I’ll get the next round.”
And that’s how I spent the next five hours sat at a bar, talking about anything and everything to a man I only ever saw from afar.
I glance up to Octavia, her lips bright red as she gives me her signature smile. As always, she’s dressed impeccably in a long, tight-fitting dress, high heels, and her hair hanging over one shoulder as she studies me.
“You don’t want to know,” I reply in answer to her question, before lifting my chin to the booth in invitation.
She slides onto the bench across from me as a waitress comes over and passes her a champagne glass.
“Thank you. Can you let Bree know I’ll be busy for a while?”
She nods and leaves as quietly as she came.
“Talk to me Caleb. Something is wrong. I’ve not seen you like this since before you got together with Noah.
I swallow. Apart from Mason, Elliot, and Maggie, Noah asked that we not tell anyone else about the cancer. Not until after the surgery, but O is our friend.
“Noah has cancer,” I say.
Her eyes widen as she sucks in a deep breath.
“Fuck, I’m sorry,” she says.
“It’s breast cancer. He goes in for a mastectomy in a few days.”
She reaches out and squeezes my shoulder.
“No offence Caleb, but why the fuck are you here then?”
I almost smile at being called out, almost.
“Because I’m a selfish arsehole. I found a letter, one he wrote just in case things go badly, and I saw red.”
“Oh Caleb,” she says softly, reaching for my hand. “What did you do?”
I shrug. “I was angry, had a go at him. Things got heated. I just hate that this is completely out of my control, that I can’t fix it.”
I throw back the rest of my drink not giving two shits that it’s meant to be savoured.
Glancing towards the bar, I signal the bartender for a refill. He nods in response, and I sit back, twirling the remaining ice.
Octavia squeezes my hand, reminding me she’s here.
“Caleb, is that a good idea?”
I raise my eyebrows, and she gives me a soft smile.
“Okay, well, I’m not letting you drown alone.”
She sips her own glass in salute and downs it as the same waitress re-appears with my whiskey.
“Can you get me a Disaronno on the rocks?”
The waitress nods, removing my empty glass and replacing it with a fresh drink.
“And keep them coming,” O continues. “Can you get the kitchen to whip us up a sharing platter?”
I eye Octavia, but she just raises her brow. “Do not give me that look, if we’re getting wasted, we’ll be eating bougie food while we do it.”
I just grunt in response.
She smiles her thanks to the waitress when she returns with herDisaronno.
Raising her glass, she clinks it with mine before taking a sip of the amber coloured liquid, the scent of bitter almond assailing my senses.
“I don’t know how you can drink that shit,” I say before raising my glass to my lips.
“We listen, we don’t judge,” she replies, her lipstick still immaculate.
I’ve only ever seen her not put together once, and I never want to see her like that again. She’s like a sister to Noah and me. And Jessica has grown fond of her too.
I worried that after everything that happened with Jessica, she’d never come out of her shell, so to speak, but she just keeps proving how strong and resilient she really is.
“So, why are you here and not at home with Noah and Jessica?”
I swirl my glass, the golden liquid glistening off the light.
“I needed a moment to catch my breath. I couldn’t breathe at home,” I admit, hating that I sound like a grade A arsehole.
“You’re scared, I get it, and your feelings are valid, but Noah had every right to write a letter, Caleb.”
She’s right, of course. I’d be saying the same to someone else in my position.
“I can’t lose him O. I just can’t.” My voice catches on the last word, the thought alone unbearable.
I know there’s nothing she can really say to that, and I don’t expect her to either. But I think deep down I want to be told he will be okay, that it was a mistake, and our entire world wasn’t just tipped on its axis.
“You just have to be there for him Caleb, let him know he has you and Jessica to steer him through the hard days.”
I focus on a spot on the table. “I’m worried I won’t be enough, that I’ll let him and Jessica down when they both need me the most.”
She sighs and slides over until she’s at my side, resting her head on my shoulder. I wrap my arm around hers, pulling her closer.
“That’s not possible Caleb. You’re one of the best people I know. Do you think we’d be friends if you weren’t? I don’t trust easily, you know that, but you are one of the few people I do. You wouldn’t be in my inner sanctum otherwise.”
I take that as a compliment and kiss the top of her head.
“I know and I’m honoured, thank you.” But I’m also hit with a bout of guilt. “I’m sorry, I know I’ve not been a stellar example of a friend as of late.”
She scoffs at that. “Zip it, you. Life has been life-ing. I know how busy things have been with Jessica’s restaurant. I’m sorry I couldn’t come to the opening or the wedding.”
“We understand, O. You work hard.” And I’m not just talking about Formidable, she’s a CEO of another company, so she has her hands full.
She shrugs. “Why do you think I have this place, it’s my escape.”
“Maybe, but it doesn’t stop us worrying about you.”
Moving so she can stare up at me, she chews on her lip, and I wonder what’s on the tip of her tongue. But just as her lips part, a sharing platter of fancy food arrives.
Grabbing a fork, she stabs a breaded mushroom. Well, I’m guessing that’s what it is as she pops it into her mouth.
“Very demure,” I say, mirroring her action, but using my fingers with no shits given.
Fucking delicious. Yeah, Jessica would approve.
We eat and knock back our drinks. I don’t know how long we sit there getting shit-faced. But at the back of my mind, eating away at me, is the knowledge I should be at home with Noah and Jessica rather than hiding here like a fucking coward.