Chapter 47
Chapter Forty-Seven
NOAH
I left Jessica and Caleb sleeping. After Caleb woke up and we talked, we all spent the day together watching TV and enjoying the calm before the storm.
Sleep evaded me most of the night, and although Jessica and Caleb were restless, they eventually succumbed.
I think Caleb’s hangover and Jessica’s restless night yesterday probably played a part in that.
To be honest, Caleb finding that letter helped me verbalise some of my fears, it was an outlet I needed. The wedding kept us busy, but thoughts of my diagnosis and my surgery were never far from my mind.
Denial, fear, anxiety, sadness, anger, even a sense of isolation.
There’s stigma associated with breast cancer being a “women’s disease” and I felt that. I think it’s why I’ve found it harder to talk about. Wanting as few people to know about it as possible.
Jessica and Caleb don’t know, but I found an online forum. I’ve not actively participated in the discussions, but I’ve observed. It’s helped a little with the misconceptions and perceptions around male breast cancer.
In a roundabout way, it helped me feel less alone. I know I have Jessica and Caleb, their support isn’t in question, but these people, they understand. They’re going through the same thing, or have been through it.
It’s how I found out walking Aspen helps ease my anxiety, and here we are now, watching a sunrise. It’s so beautiful and tranquil, for a moment I find peace in the chaos. I just wish Caleb and Jessica were here to watch it with me.
Sitting on the bench, I stroke Aspen’s thick fur as she sits at my feet, content in my company.
“Thank you,” I say, as she looks up at me.
“I think fate brought you to us, just like it did with Jessica.” She licks my arm in agreement and then stares across the open field.
“You can go play if you want,” I say, aware I’m having a conversation with a dog but not bothered in the slightest. She’s a brilliant companion, and instead of going to play, she stays by my side, content in the moment like me.
By the time my phone vibrates, the sun has already fully risen over the horizon. Pulling it from my pocket, I swipe the screen and open the message.
My wife: Are you okay? xx
Me: Just on my way back, took Aspen to watch the sunrise.
My wife: Okay, love you, see you in a bit 3
Me: Love you too xx
I stand up and hook the lead to Aspen’s collar.
“Let’s go home, girl.”
Before I’m even through the door, Jessica throws herself at me, her arms wrapping around my neck. She holds onto me for dear life, and I don’t have the heart to pull away. I feel Caleb’s heat at my back as he embraces me from behind.
“You okay?” he asks, the concern in his voice unmistakable.
I nod. “Yeah. I was just clearing my head. I’d really like us all to watch a sunrise together when I’m better,” I say, but there’s an uncertainty there, one I don’t have the strength to hide, not today anyway.
“That sounds lovely,” Jessica says, looking up at me through her long lashes, her eyes glistening.
“Whatever you want,” Caleb agrees, his chin resting on my shoulder.
Jessica reaches up and cups my cheek. I hate seeing her so worried and having no way of easing her concerns.
“You’re going to be fine, Noah,” she says, full of conviction. “And we’ll be right here for you, every step of the way. Okay?”
I smile, how can I not, her faith in the surgery going well and my recovery is resolute.
“Thank you,” I say, reaching for her hand and kissing the inside of her wrist.
She blushes even though I know she’s a nervous wreck inside. She’s so strong and I am so proud to call her mine—ours.
“I’m going to drop off Aspen,” Caleb says, kissing my throat. “I won’t be long.”
I turn, catching his lips with mine. He kisses me back with the same desperation I feel before his mouth leaves mine to kiss Jessica.
When they part, he looks at me intently, before turning and whistling for Aspen.
She comes up to me, shoving her snout into my upper thigh.
“It’s okay girl, I’ll see you tomorrow.” I rub her behind her ear before Caleb and her leave the way I came.
“What about her bowls?” I ask, spotting them still in her pet feeder.
Jessica smiles. “Maggie got her a set for when she’s over for their doggy sleepovers,” she says.
I shake my head. “Of course she did, that woman spoils her,” I reply.
She lets out a soft chuckle. “And you don’t?”
Yeah, okay, she’s got me there. “Well, in my defence, don’t we all?” I finally concede.
Jessica nods before wrapping her arms around me and resting her cheek on my chest.
“We do. She deserves the best.”
I stand there, holding Jessica, in no rush to let her go, and take strength from her presence. Her steady breaths anchor me to the moment instead of my upcoming surgery.
Her stomach grumbles and I step back, frowning.
“Have you not eaten?” I ask.
She shakes her head.
“Sweet girl, you need to eat.” I take her hand in mine and tug her into the kitchen, pointing to the breakfast bar before swatting her arse. “Go, sit.”
“Yes, sir,” she says, saluting me and sliding onto a stool, her palms resting flat on the breakfast bar.
“Keep it up, you know how much we love it when you call us sir.” I wiggle my eyebrows suggestively.
Her cheeks heat and I can’t help but laugh and for the first time in days it doesn’t feel forced.
I rub my hands together. “Now, what do you want to eat?” I ask, not allowing her to change the subject.
“I’m fine Noah,” she replies, slightly exasperated, as her stomach growls again.
I point to her. “The monster sounds coming from your belly would say otherwise.”
She looks down at her hands and I sigh, walking towards the kitchen island and reaching out to take both her hands in mine.
“Come on, what will it be?” I ask.
Flicking her gaze back to mine, she chews the inside of her cheek.
“Jessica, just because I’m not allowed to eat, it doesn’t mean you can’t. I’ll feel better going into surgery knowing you’ve at least eaten something.”
The pads of my thumbs brush over the back of her knuckles.
“Noah.” She sighs.
I shrug, having zero remorse. She needs to take care of herself and not eating is non-negotiable.
“So, what will it be?” I ask, letting go of her hands. “How about peanut butter and jam on toast, and a cup of tea?” Ever since Avery insisted Jessica give it a go, she’s been obsessed.
Her eyes light up so I don’t bother waiting for her response as I pop some bread in the toaster and flick the switch for the kettle.
I reach for one of the mugs River got for us as wedding gifts, hers reads, Because one dick wasn’t enough!
Caleb and mine both read, I’m greedy, I eat arse and crumpet!
To be fair, he also got us ones with our wedding date and our surnames, but I think that was more Lily than River.
Jessica prefers the novelty mug.
Once I’ve spread the peanut butter and jam, I cut each slice in half before carrying it over, along with her tea, and slide onto a stool beside her.
“Eat up, sweet girl.”
“Thank you,” she says and picks up her toast, nibbling the crust before she eats the middle. I lean on my elbow and rest my chin against my palm, watching her eat both slices and then slowly drink her tea.
“Nice?” I ask once she’s finished.
She nods, licking her lips. “Perfect, thank you.”
Leaning over I press my mouth to hers, my tongue teasing her lips. She opens up to me and I kiss her like it’s the first time, the last time, and every other time in between.
I savour every caress of her tongue, the way she moans against my lips. She grips the nape of my neck with one hand, the other in my hair, her fingers tugging on my short strands.
It’s only at the clearing of a throat do I finally pull away. Jessica’s lips are swollen, her eyes glazed over.
“Did you drop her off okay?” I ask as Caleb comes to stand between us.
His hand moves over Jessica’s still resting over my nape, and he leans down, leaving a lingering kiss on my mouth.
“She was fine. Maggie got her one of those huge bones she loves.”
“Of course she did,” I say, winking at Jessica, recalling our earlier conversation.