Chapter Nineteen
Ria
A woody musk scent overwhelms me as I take a deep breath in before opening my eyes and stretching… But I can’t move, my body is held tightly by strong muscular arms and I am pleasantly surprised to look up to see Jack sleeping peacefully next to me.
Shit, what time is it?
I panic, realizing we are still in his office and I try to roll free from his embrace, but his arms tighten around me.
“You aren”t leaving,” he mumbles, his head pressed into the back of my neck, pressing his warm mouth to my skin, making it tingle.
“Jack, I need to pee, like really bad.”
“I guess I”ll let you up then,” he mutters before letting me up. Just as I sit, I hear my phone buzzing on the floor and the realization hits me.
No one knows where I am.
Jack”s office is windowless, so I have no idea what time it is. Reaching over, I scoop it up off the floor.
“Shit, it”s 9.38 am.” I leap up and remember that I”m not wearing any underwear. Where the hell is it? I turn to see it crumpled on the floor next to the couch by his shirt.
When did he take his shirt off?
Then it all comes flooding back to me. The kiss, the way I rode his fingers, the orgasm I thought was going to send me into another dimension. My cheeks heat at the memory. Seriously, I have never had an orgasm like it. He”s got magic fingers.
“Oh, shit,” I whisper.
“Everything alright?” Jack asks, stretching out on the sofa, rubbing his eyes.
“Ermm, not exactly,” I reply, scrolling the notifications on my phone.
I have missed calls from Ali and Gabby, about a hundred and thirty-seven text notifications from our girls’ chat, and a message from Anne. I go to open the message from Anne but another message comes in from the group chat.
Ali – 3.15 am
Have you finished riding his dick yet? *GIF of a woman riding a mechanical bull in a bar*
What the fuck?
I scroll up through the endless messages.
Ali – 3.23 am
Hey, Ri, hope tonight went okay. Just let me know me know when you are leaving. x
Gabby – 3.58 am
Hey Ri, have you left the club?
Ali – 4.04 am
Ri, I”ve tried calling you, answer the phone, where are you??
Gabby – 4.10 am
Ri, we are starting to panic now. We don”t want to worry Anne by calling her. Just let us know if you have gone there to stay with the girls. We love you. xx
Gabby – 4.13 am
Ri, I’m really worrying now, please answer your phone!! xxxx
Ali – 4.20 am
Bitch, answer your phone!!!! I am this close to filing a missing persons report, me and Gabs are freaking out. ANSWER YOUR PHONE
God, I am the worst friend ever. Whilst I am getting the best orgasm of my life my friends are freaking out thinking I”ve been abducted.
Ali – 4.46 am
BITCH I AM SO HAPPY FOR YOU AND MAD AT YOU. I called Nancy to try and get Brad and Harry”s number. I called Jack and no answer. Harry thought I was calling him for a booty call WTF!! He wishes. He said he”s got an opening on his roster, whatever the fuck that means. The guy is a prick, BUT he told me he”s checked the club security and you are still at the club with Jack * winking emoji* GET IT GIRL!!!!!
Ali – 4.49 am
p.s still pissed you made us worry and that Harry now has my number. He”s already texted me AGAIN telling me he’s free for a booty call. YOU OWE ME GIRL. Now I need a new number.
Gabby – 4.50 am
Ri, we”ve been so worried but get it girl!!! Need all the details in the morning and don’t lie. Ali, we all know you want to join Harry”s roster.
I cover my face with my hands, not wanting to think about what Harry saw. “There”s a camera?” I shout, spinning round to look at Jack, who sat up scrolling his phone and rubbing a hand down his face.
“Uhh, yeah. Don”t worry, he couldn”t see anything. Haz told me Ali called him looking for you and for a 4 am booty call.”
I laugh. “He wishes.”
I open the message from Anne.
Anne – 8.54 am
Good morning, my girl. I hope your shift went well. Lexi slept in till 8, which was much appreciated. Poor Elle was suffering with her teeth in the night. She’s woken up a little warm, so I have given her some Tylenol and she seems to be feeling better. I hope it”s not another ear infection brewing for the poor baby. No rush to pick them up, they are in safe hands. See you later, Anne xxx
Anxiety floods my body, my stomach churning with worry. Shit, I’m a terrible person. My friends have been worried, my poor baby is sick, and I”ve been curled up with Jack getting finger banged on his couch.
I should have had more willpower to resist him. I should have driven to Ali and Gabby”s and then gone to Anne’s first thing to be with my girls. I don”t get to be selfish. I”m a mom. I need to be with my kids, not getting off on my boss’s couch. I throw my phone into my purse and search for my underwear.
“I need to go,” I snap without looking at him.
He rises from the couch and walks towards me. “Hey, what”s wrong? Aren”t we gonna talk about what happened?” His eyes scan my face.
“No, Jack. I don”t have time right now. I have places to be.” My tone is sterner than I meant it to be.
“Wait, Ri, just take a breath and sit down.” Knowing Jack, he can sense my panic and my growing anxiety, but my head is spinning. I need to get out of here and get to my girls. Last night shouldn”t have happened, I know it shouldn”t, but the way he looked at me, the way he touched me, is the way all women want a man to look at them, isn’t it? Even the strongest woman would have snapped.
“Elle, she”s sick. I need to get to her,” I say, pulling on my underwear so fast I”m surprised I don”t rip it. “Where the hell are my shoes?” I groan, looking round the room, avoiding eye contact with him. I don”t get to be selfish and carefree. My girls are my number one priority. It”s bad enough their dad doesn”t put them first. I”ll be damned if they ever feel like second best because of how I choose to live my life.
“Shit, Ri, I hope she”s alright. They are over there.” He points to my shoes by the door. “Let me get them.”
“No, let me get it… please.” I brush past him, but he takes hold of my arm and pulls me into him.
“Look at me.” His tone is pleading.
I don”t. Instead, I stare down at my bare feet that are sinking into the dark plush rug in his office.
“Maria, look at me.” His words are firmer.
I slowly raise my head to meet his gaze, preparing myself for him to be mad, but his eyes are soft and full of understanding. He reaches out to hold my face in his palms and I sink into his warm touch.
“I know you’re feeling guilty and blaming yourself, but you deserve to take a moment for yourself, Ri. That doesn”t make you a bad mom. Please don”t regret what happened here, because I don”t, not a second of it.”
I don”t say anything, but I rise up onto my tiptoes and place a soft kiss on his lips, and then I whisper, “I”ll call you later.” I pull out of his touch and it kills me. Jack deserves better, deserves more than I can give him. I want nothing more than to stay here with him, to have him hold me and reassure me that everything is okay, and maybe explore what went on last night and continue further, but I have to leave.
I race to Anne and Steve’s, dash from the car, and for the first time in ages, use my door key, relieved when I hear faint voices.
I find them sitting around the kitchen table having what looks like a late breakfast. Lexi is showing Steve how to make a pancake sandwich and Anne is feeding Elle some porridge. Both girls are smiling and look happy, and a smidge of the mom guilt leaves my body.
“Morning, Ri. Busy night at work?” Steve says, looking at my work uniform that I’m still wearing and it”s looking creased as hell.
Oh shit.
“Uh, yeah, busy busy. I crashed out in my clothes and headed straight here when I woke and saw Anne’s message. I”m so sorry I didn”t see it earlier. How are you are you, baby girl?” I walk over to Elle in her highchair, stroking her hair and kissing the top of her head.
“She”s fine, love. Been a bit fussy in the night and running a low-grade fever, but she”s okay. Just keep an eye on her today.”
I smile at Anne, giving her a little nod in appreciation.
“You work too hard, my girl, pull up a chair and get some food in you. Steve, get the girl a coffee,” she demands in her bossy tone.
“On it, love,” he says, edging out of his seat and shuffling over to the coffee machine.
Lexi has been so busy eating her pancake sandwich and watching her iPad she hasn”t even acknowledged me. I sit in the chair beside her. “Morning, Lexi girl, I missed you.” I give her a kiss.
She turns to look at me, her face full of Nutella, and gives me the biggest grin. “Hi, Mommy. I missed you too. Grandma made pancakes, and I made them just like Jack showed me!”
And suddenly my heart is full and the last bit of mom guilt leaves my body, for now anyway.
We spent the rest of the morning with Anne and Steve. I was told to go have a bubble bath and relax. Is it weird that I hang out with my ex’s parents and bathe in their home? Probably to most people, yes, but Anne and Steve are the most amazing people I have ever met and I couldn”t do life without them.
Drying off with a soft towel, I grab my work bag and change into my spare clothes I keep in there, when I catch Jack”s scent. Damn, I need to text him.
Ria
I don”t regret last night. I just need time x
We make it home mid-afternoon and have a quiet day. Sofa snuggles, building Lego, watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse on repeat, and eating all our favorite snacks. It was the quiet afternoon I needed.
When bedtime finally rolls around, Lexi requests a disco bath where I put glow sticks in the tub and turn on the bubble machine, blasting our favorite songs from my phone.
“Mommy, look.” Lexi giggles, lifting the bubbles in between her little hands and blowing them over Elle, who’s sitting in her little bath chair. When they land on her, she kicks her chubby little legs and waves her arms around, sending water splashing everywhere, including over me.
“Girls, girls,” I squeal, trying to shield myself with a towel. Seeing them happy and carefree makes my heart feel full. This is all I”ve ever wanted for them. There are very few memories I have of my childhood that are full of fun and laughter. Most of mine are of me being alone, or my mum drinking, or her bringing another random man to the house and being sent to my room with a can of Diet Coke and a bag of Cheetos.
I want to go back and hug younger Ria, just to tell her she will be okay and that in a few short years, she will meet girls who become her family and life will be so different. Raising my own girls is healing my inner child in ways I can”t even describe. They will have the childhood I never got, even if I have to sacrifice all my personal wants, because ultimately my biggest want is their happiness.
I dry them off and get them into their matching white with pink heart covered pjs. They won”t fit them for much longer and I’m sure Lexi won”t let me match her with her baby sister forever, so I will make the most of it while I can.
“Who wants a sleepover in Mommy’s bed?” I ask.
“Meeee,” Lexi squeals, leaping into my arms and nearly knocking me flat on my back. God, my girl is growing up and getting big.
“Okay, go get your stuff.”
I quickly change into an oversized white tee and a pair of gray shorts, pick up Elle, and climb into bed. I can”t help but sniff the top of her head, not believing that she turns one soon. It’s been the quickest and most stressful year of my life. I feel like I blinked, and she”s almost a toddler. She”s almost lost that baby smell, the one that smells of milk and baby powder. I”d bottle it if I could.
Lexi wanders in from her bedroom, dragging her blankie, pink bunny, and her baby doll. “Move up, Mommy. All my friends need to fit.”
“Okay, baby.”
I scoot over and Lexi settles in next to me and I wrap my arms around them both. I lean over to switch off the bedroom lamp and turn on Elle’s white noise machine. It only takes a few minutes for the girls to drift off into a peaceful sleep.
They are my nightlights, my comfort, all I need when life feels out of control and I need to feel safe, to feel wanted. I know they need me but I need them so much more than they will ever know. Tonight my chest feels heavy and thoughts of last night run through my mind like a herd of wild stallions.
The taste of his kiss and the heat of his touch. I wonder if there will ever be a way I can have it all without feeling this immense sense of guilt. Will there be a day where I believe that I am enough? A warm tear rolls down my cheek. I don”t let myself cry. It was a pointless emotion, my mom would say. Crying got me nowhere. I lay staring at my bedroom ceiling, cradling my girls with the sounds of waves crashing on Elle’s sound machine. It brings me a sense of comfort as I drift off to sleep and dream of a man that I don”t feel worthy of having but desperately want to be mine.