Chapter 35
Thirty-Five
HAZEL
The steady hum and beeping of the machines keeping my grandma alive are all that I hear as my mom speaks to the doctor in the hall. Hot tears stream down my face as I hold her hand. The paper thin skin covering it is cool against mine. A pained cry rips from my chest as the news finally sinks in.
She’s not coming back to us.
I can’t wrap my mind around it. She was so full of life just weeks ago. Death wasn’t even on our radar. How could it just snatch her from us like this? With no warning? No time to say goodbye?
My phone rings with a call from Tyler. I want to talk to him, but I don’t know how to say the words he’ll ask for. So I let it go to voicemail and promise myself to text him later. I’m sure Dan is keeping him updated, regardless.
Mom walks in, closing the door behind her quietly. She sits down in the chair next to mine, covering my and Gram’s hands with her own. “They’re going to give us a few minutes to say goodbye.”
I don’t want to say goodbye. “Are they sure?”
“Yeah, honey. They're the best in the city. She doesn’t want to be kept alive on machines.”
“I’m not ready.” I lean forward, resting my ear above Grams’s heart. Even though it’s a machine making it beat, it’s still her heart.
Mom runs her hand down my back in long, comforting strokes as she begins to quietly sob. We stay like that until the doctor comes in along with a few nurses. I’m not sure if this is how they usually do this or if everyone is here because they work with Mom and want to support her.
Either way, I’m glad she has them. I know Sierra and Dan are out in the hall for me. Sierra canceled the rest of my tour. I can’t imagine not being near my mom while we both grieve. It’s just her and I now.
The room blurs behind the tears that coat my eyes as the doctor reaches for the machines, turning them off one by one.
Her chest stops moving, the heart monitor goes flatline as the doctor watches the time.
He quietly calls out time of death and leaves the room, squeezing Mom’s shoulder as he passes.
She nods as he whispers to take as much time as we need.
Mom stays next to me while I will Grams to wake up miraculously. It happens in soap operas all the time, why the fuck can’t it happen in real life?
I’m not sure how much time passes before Mom gently tugs on my arm.
“We have to go, honey. They’ll need this room soon.”
“Okay.” My muscles scream as I stand. I grab the plastic bag with her belongings and see the gold band resting on top. Her wedding band that she wore every single day of my life. “Do you mind if I wear this for now?”
“Not at all. She would have wanted you to have it.”
I slip the ring out of the bag and slide it on my right ring finger. There’s just a flake of a pear-shaped diamond set atop the yellow gold. Small. Delicate. Understated but timelessly classic.
Sierra and Dan stand as soon as we walk out of the room, both of them coming to embrace us. We go downstairs and hail a taxi instead of calling on an uber. Several flashes catch me off guard as Dan holds the door of the cab open for me. Three men with cameras call my name.
“Not today, you assholes,” Sierra says as she and Dan form a wall in front of me and I slip down low beside my mom in the back seat.
“How did they even know where I’d be?” I ask as Dan climbs in the front seat and the driver takes off.
“Who knows? They’re like roaches, always finding their way to places they shouldn’t be.” Dan turns back to me. “I’m sorry. I should have checked first.”
“It’s okay.” I pat his hand. “When are you heading back to the band?”
“Whenever you do.”
“Huh?” I rub my temples. “I thought you were just coming to fly back with me.”
“No. Stone hired me on full time as your bodyguard.”
I consider arguing but then realize it might actually be a good thing, considering what just happened. Once things calm down, and I’m out of the public eye though, he’ll go back. Whether Stone likes it or not.
The cab pulls up to our building and Dan, Mom, and I get out. Sierra gives me a quick hug and tells me to let her know if I need anything before she gets back in the cab and it takes off.
We go inside and take the elevator up to the eighth floor. I’m dead on my feet, so when Mom asks if I want anything to eat I tell her no.
“You can take my room,” I tell Dan. “I’ll sleep with Mom.”
“I can take the couch,” he says.
I interrupt him with a shake of my head. “I would sleep in Mom’s bed tonight either way. It’s not a problem at all.”
I don’t bother to wait for a response, walking down the short hall and falling onto her mattress. I’m out before my eyes even fully close.
“Hazel.” The covers are yanked off me violently. “You have to get up and shower and eat.”
“Just let me rot.” I push my head under the pillow, hoping it works like the last time. I’ve been in bed for a couple days now, but what’s one more when you’re drowning in grief?
Two arms slide beneath me, startling me as I’m lifted out of the bed. I turn my head, and my eyes meet Dan’s. “Sorry. I’m under orders.”
“From whom?”
“Your mom and Stone.” He grimaces. “And you smell horrendous.”
I turn my head and sniff my shoulder, blinking rapidly when I get a whiff. He’s not kidding. “Sorry.”
He sets me down. “Don’t apologize. We’re all worried about you.”
“I’m fine.” I notice the black dress hanging in the bathroom and give him a quizzical look. “Why is this in here?”
“Your grandma’s celebration of life is tonight.”
“What?” I reach for my phone, but it’s dead. “That would mean I’ve been in bed for five days.”
“Yes.” He nods.
“You’ve just been hanging around here the whole time?”
“Yeah.”
Guilt coats my insides. “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have indulged myself like that.”
“Don’t apologize. I obviously haven’t known you long, but it’s been clear from the first moment I met you how important your family is. Sudden loss is hard.”
“It is.”
He backs out of the bathroom and closes the door behind himself. I turn on the water in the shower, letting the water heat to just short of boiling before stripping down and stepping into the spray. I’m immediately assaulted with the memories of the last shower I took. With Stone.
I’ve talked to him multiple times a day, and he’s sent flowers and gifts every day.
I miss him so much, and I haven’t bothered to hide that fact from him.
Honestly, if he had been here with me, I might have been coping better.
Not that I’m angry or upset with him. He has obligations and not following through with them could mean the loss of money for massive amounts of people. I don’t want that.
I shower and get ready in a fugue state.
I don’t really remember doing everything I had to get done before showing up at the chapel in the retirement center Grams lived at.
All her friends are already sitting around the room, probably more excited about the cake and punch than celebrating Grams’s life.
But this is commonplace for them; you get older and losing people becomes an everyday occurrence.
I’m chatting with the couple that lived next door to her when a shadow falls over me. As soon as I look up, I’m met with eyes that once felt so familiar to me but now feel like a stranger’s. Greg squeezes my shoulder, a sympathetic frown on his face.
“Hi.” I stand, excusing myself from Gram’s friends.
“I’m so sorry about Beverly.” He leads me out onto the terrace and pulls me into his arms. “I know how close you were.”
My body stiffens in his embrace. The last time we spoke, we didn’t leave each other on good terms, and I’m not entirely comfortable with this contact. Everything about it feels so wrong.
I manage to get him to drop his arms, and then I take a step back, putting some distance between us. “Thank you. I didn’t expect to see you.”
“Sierra told me about everything.”
“Really?”
He nods. “I hate the way we left things in Chicago. Neither of us were thinking clearly; I’d been traveling all day. You’d been working and out with the girls. I’m not holding any negative feelings about it.”
“Okay.”
He waits as if he wants me to reciprocate, but when I don’t he continues. “Now isn’t the best time to talk about this. Can we get lunch this week?” He steps toward me again and tucks a piece of hair behind my ear.
Dan walks out onto the terrace and takes note of where Greg’s touching me. His biceps bulge as he crosses his arms, a stern look on his face.
“Listen, Greg. I appreciate you coming today, and everything you’ve done for me. I wouldn’t be half the writer I am without your mentorship, but I don’t think it’s a good idea for us to continue like we have been.”
A muscle in his jaw twitches. “What?”
“I just don’t think our situation makes sense anymore.”
“Because you jumped into bed with a rock star?” He scoffs and turns away, his hands resting on his hips.
I start to walk past him and go back inside when he grabs my wrist. Dan immediately clocks the contact and starts forward, only stopping when I wave him off. I want to handle this on my own.
“Where is he at right now? I certainly don’t see him anywhere. I can guarantee you he’s probably balls deep in a groupie right now. The last person he’s thinking about is the quiet, chubby, writer who tagged along on their tour.”
Writer.
He can’t even bring himself to call me what I am.
“Author. I’m an author. You’re so twisted up with jealousy that I’ve succeeded in years doing what you haven’t even in decades.
What does the future hold for Stone and me?
I’m not sure, maybe we’ll be together forever or maybe just for a short time.
He has taught me one thing, though, that I deserve to be loved out loud.
That whoever my partner is should want nothing but success for me.
” I wince as his grip on me tightens to the point of pain.
“And guess what? He literally sings my praises. He stands up on stage in front of tens of thousands of people and tells them I’m his girl. ”
“You’re going to feel so stupid when you realize it was all for show.”
“It’s not for show. Now let me go.”
“Don’t come crawling to me when he drops you like you meant nothing.”
Dan joins me as soon as he steps off the terrace. He lifts my hand to look at the red marks left behind. “Just so we’re clear, I’m never letting that guy within twenty feet of you again.”
“Thank you for letting me handle it. I’m sure you were ignoring all your instincts to come swooping in to the rescue.”
“I was. You can buy me a slice of pizza and a beer later to show your appreciation because Stone’s going to lose his mind when he watches the video I took of that interaction.”
“You recorded it.”
“Yes. I had a feeling it was going to be an epic takedown.” He shrugs a shoulder. “Plus Stone’s been losing his mind the past few days while you’ve been in bed. He’s going out of his mind with worry. I wanted to send proof of life.”
Guilt surges through me. I’ve been so wrapped up in my own grief and sadness that I haven’t thought of anyone else.
If I didn’t get up and move around, I wouldn’t see a shiny glint of blade, and I wouldn’t feel the call to bleed out my emotions.
But while I was looking for the best way for me to push through my feelings, I took no one who cared about me into account.
Of course he would worry. He knows more about me than anyone on the planet.
I stop just short of the doors back into the reception room and pull out my phone.
I shoot a short, apologetic text to Stone and then decide to send them to Sierra and Jade as well.
Both of them have reached out regularly, including Sierra dropping by with favorites of mine all week.
I just never got out of bed to thank her properly.
My guilt must be written all over my face because Dan tosses his arm around my shoulders and leads me back into the room. “Everyone understands, and if they don’t, fuck ‘em. They weren’t your people to begin with.”