Emiliano
PAPI’S RANCH
I’ve never wanted to rip off a tie more than I do now.
Then again, I’ve never felt as stifled in this life as I do now. It’s one thing to see Taina on video when one of my men is watching her. It’s another to try to find gaps of time in my life so I can see her regularly.
Church with Mami is the first on the chopping block. Ignacio should be attending Mass with her anyway. Papi used to, faithfully. And while he’s not her husband, he is the face of our operation. And la comunidad feels safer when they know the man in charge cherishes the word of God.
It makes no fucking sense to me, but we pay the church handsomely and Mami gets to sit in her own section of pews in the cathedral. And I’m able to meet with other crime families in this very building.
Regina Delvecchio, for instance, is extremely fond of the ornate stained glass.
“ Mami ,” I hear as I offer my hand to help her stand. She doesn’t lean on me much, but the pressure is more than it once was. She and I look around at the same time. I imagine our eyes fall on Carlos at the same time as well.
“ ?Que chingada haces, Carlos?” Mami asks, snatching her hand out of mine and walking ahead of me, rubbing her rosary beads. I can hear her muttering swear words as she passes him, glaring at him until she’s forced to look where she’s going.
“You couldn’t show up even thirty minutes earlier?” This lazy pendejo . Now I’ll have to listen to Mami complain the entire ride home before insisting I talk to my brothers about spending more time with her. Why? When one pisses her off and the other reminds her too much of Papi .
I’ll never understand.
“ Ay , I’m not here for this shit,” he says as he waves the place off like we haven’t given millions to this congregation. He’s got on a dark-gray beanie on, a hoodie, jeans, and sneakers. And I’m standing here in this uncomfortable-ass tie.
“Then what are you here for?”
A second passes, and it dawns on me.
He wants a favor. And I wonder what that favor could be.
“Thanks for helping clean up the Russian issue.” He leans in, mumbling as if anyone is around to hear us. And if they were, I wouldn’t be worried. Their silence has been bought, many times over.
“Yes, well…” I clear my throat. “ Papi wanted me to be an attorney so I could. The old man had quite the vision.”
I keep my eyes trained on him, trying to catch an inkling of emotion in his expression at the mention of our father. Nothing.
From the corner of my eye, Fernando waves at me before gesturing outside.
Mami is an impatient woman.
I hold up my hand to show that I’ve seen him and to give me a moment.
“What is it you need?” I ask, quick to get to the point of his presence.
“I was hoping I could stay at Papi’s ranch for a few months.” He takes a deep breath, his eyes roving over the cathedral ceiling. “I need to get out of the city. So I can get my shit together before Nina leaves me.”
“Trouble in paradise?”
“Calling it paradise is giving it far more credit than what it actually is like, being married.”
“Our parents made it look good.”
“Well, Mami didn’t exactly love Papi .”
It’s a statement I’ve never heard anyone on earth utter, and it’s like ice down my spine. Because what the fuck does he know? He’s never around to see who our mother truly is.
“Why would you say some shit like that?” I ask, lifting my chin, my brows drawn. “That sounds an awful lot like judgment from the man who’s rarely around to begin with.”
Carlos holds up his hands, and I start to walk, not sparing him another glance. But he follows, his words echoing my trail.
“You’re her favorite. Of course, you can’t see it.”
I continue walking, letting his lies hit my back. Whatever makes him feel better at night.
“Listen, bro. About Papi’s place?—”
I whip around to stare him down. “You mean my ranch? The one he left me? ”
Ignacio got the empire, I got his ranch here and the villa in México, and Carlos got his cars. Last I heard, he’d sold most of them.
And I never asked to borrow a single one of them. That was Papi’s parting gift to Carlos. So the fact that he’s asking to use the home I’ve barely stepped foot in has me irate.
That place is sacred. He died on that property, all alone.
So, no. I don’t want Carlos’s ungrateful ass staying there.
Before he can answer, I say, “It’s being renovated. Uninhabitable.” I shrug, continuing to stare at him.
“Emiliano,” I hear my mother’s voice from behind me, and I take a few backward steps, taking note of the way Carlos nods once, sniffs, and walks off .
“What did he want?” Mami asks once we’re safely inside her armored vehicle, Fernando in front with her driver.
“To stay at the ranch,” I mutter, staring out of the heavily tinted window.
“ ?Y qué dijiste? ”
“ Dije que no, Mami .” Of course, I said no.
I tried to keep the bite out of my tone, but I worry it seeped in. If she noticed, she doesn’t say anything.
“Ever since he married that girl,” she mumbles, as if to herself.
“Even before then. Ignacio thinks it’s because he never had the direction we did. Everyone knew Ignacio was going to take over just like everyone knew I was going to be an attorney. What did everyone know about Carlos?”
“That he was supposed to be the attorney but you were better suited,” Mami informs me, and it’s another first I’d never heard before.
“What?”
“His grades were poor, he lacked dedication, and so we allowed him a life of freedom. Of the three of you, he’s had it the easiest.” She glances over at me. “So any pity you feel for him is wasted.”
The entire ride back to the house, I keep my gaze out the window.
For some reason, the past I thought I understood completely is determined to rewrite itself.
My memories don’t align with what both Ignacio and Mami are claiming the experience to have been.
I don’t remember Carlos not having time with Papi ; the same way I don’t remember there being a time when Carlos was being considered as the legal brain instead of me.
Seeing my older brother in the same position I was meant to be in makes the idea of destiny feel flimsy. I used to think I was meant to be an attorney. I had the perfect temperament for it; not quick to anger the way my brothers tend to be. My dedication rarely wavers, if at all .
So the notion that I’d be the aimless one has me drumming my fingers over my lips.
We’re about to pull up to the house when I feel my mother’s hand rest itself on top of mine. I don’t look over at her, nervous that bringing too much attention to it will embarrass her or make her uncomfortable.
I blink back tears as her warm, little hand lies on mine.
“You’re a good boy,” she murmurs, and I glance her way, noticing her glassy eyes. “Of all of my boys, you are most like me. Ignacio is more like my Oswaldo. Carlos…he left the nest and married that rude woman with her terrible Spanish. ? Pero tú ? You’re like me.”
We sit there a moment once the car comes to a stop. Fernando exits the vehicle and stands outside her door, as if he knows not to interrupt us.
“I think I want to stay at the ranch,” I say as I turn to face her more fully. “Carlos asking about it made me realize I shouldn’t leave it there to collect dust.”
She nods once, and I notice the way she exhales through her nose. Before I can ask her if she’s okay, she knocks her knuckles against the bulletproof glass of the window.
“I love you, Mami ,” I tell her as she exits, her aging body straightening. I can’t tell if it’s in reaction to what I just said or if she’s preparing to walk. Her head jerks to the side just enough for me to see the tip of her nose. And then she walks off, arm-in-arm with Fernando.