Chapter Eleven
Kayden
Caleb is kissing me. Caleb. Is. Kissing. Me. Not where I need him the most, but he is kissing me. His lips ghost along my chin, setting my entire body aflame with desire. His words echo through me.
‘Because what I really wanna do is something that’ll change everything between us.’
My insecurities resurface, threatening to take hold of me again, but I push them back, focusing on the way it feels when Caleb presses a string of featherlight kisses against my chin.
He hums against my skin, and the small noise reverberates throughout my entire body until it settles in my chest. One of his arms is wrapped around my waist, the other drawing circles on my back.
I feel hot, but still, goosebumps spread up my neck, and I shiver.
Caleb chuckles against me, then adjusts me in his lap. I moan, because fuck, I’m so hard and I think he is too. Caleb is hard. For me. I must be dreaming. It must be the pills Mom gave me before she left for work. This can’t be happening.
“Oh, it is,” Caleb laughs against the corner of my mouth.
“What?”
“It is happening.” And then his hands are there, framing my face, his eyes swimming with want.
“I said that out loud?” I whisper.
“You did, baby.”
Baby.
He leans in and brushes his nose against mine.
“Please.”
My plea elicits a deep groan from Caleb’s throat. “Fuck, Kayden.”
He lines kisses across my cheekbones, and I squirm because it tickles so fucking good.
I’ve never had anyone touch me this way before, with such careful intent and tenderness.
I close my eyes and tip my head back, taking it all in.
Intrusive thoughts circle around me, trying to penetrate my bubble of peace, but I push them back.
I won’t allow them to ruin something I’ve been wanting for weeks, to taint a moment that is perfect.
Well, almost perfect, because Caleb keeps avoiding my mouth.
He’s scattering kisses along my forehead now, his fingers carding through my hair.
“Caleb.”
“Hmmm.”
“Please kiss me.”
“I am kissing you.”
I groan. “You know what I mean.”
He stops kissing me and instead rests his forehead against mine.
His eyes are closed and his breath fans against my lips.
“I know.” He eases away from me, blinking his eyes open.
He continues to hold my face, his thumbs brushing back and forth across my cheeks.
He swallows, his eyes serious. “I don’t want to take advantage of you, K. ”
“You’re not.”
“Aren’t I?”
“No!” I push away from him. “I’m not a little kid, Caleb. Jesus.” I slump my shoulders, mumbling, “I don’t want your fucking pity, Caleb.”
He freezes, then wraps his hands around my wrists, pulling me back against him. “Is that what you think, K? That I fucking pity you? Sweetheart, I feel a lot of things for you, but pity isn’t one of them. Not even fucking close, you hear me?”
I nod slowly. I’m not sure I believe him. The air is charged, waves of energy moving back and forth between him and me, and I don’t know what to do with myself.
Eventually, Caleb lets go of my wrists, keeping a little space between us. I feel instantly cold. He wipes his hands along his face, mumbling something unintelligible.
“Caleb?”
An outdrawn sigh leaves his body, then he holds out his hand, and I grab it in a heartbeat. He tangles his fingers through mine and pulls me close. “Come here.” He wraps his other arm around me, and I instantly feel safe again. “I mean it. I don’t want to take advantage of you, Kayden.”
“You’re not.”
Caleb chuckles bitterly. “Oh, there’s a real possibility that I am. You’re vulnerable right now, and I…”
“What?” I brush my fingers through his wild bangs, and he looks up at me.
“I’m trying to be really fucking good here, K. I’m trying to… shit, I’m trying really fucking hard not to do what I usually do. What I always do.”
I twirl my index finger around a lock of hair, then tuck it behind his ear like he’s done to me a thousand times. “And what is that?” I say, holding my breath.
“Putting myself first. Putting my own needs before everyone else’s.”
His words make me angry because, fuck, is that really how Caleb sees himself? “That’s bullshit,” I say.
“It’s not. Not really.” There’s a resignation in his voice I’ve never heard before.
“Of course it is.” I grab his face, searching his eyes. I can’t believe Caleb sees himself like that. “Listen to me, Caleb Morgan. That is not true. You have never, not even once, put your needs before mine, and I’ve known you my whole life.”
“You don’t really know me, Kayden. Not truly.”
A laugh bursts from my lips, because is he delusional? “Of course, I know you. I know the core of you, your heart.” I pause, placing my palm against his chest. “You’re a good man, Caleb.”
Surprise washes across his face. “You think so?”
“I know so.” His heart thunders against my hand. “You have this front that you show the world, but I see you. I see you, Caleb.”
A blush creeps across his cheeks, and he suddenly looks so young. “And what do you see?” he rasps, and there it is, a rare moment of frailty.
I lean in, and our lips almost touch. “I see someone who would drop everything without a second thought if I needed him.” He freezes against me, but it doesn’t deter me. “I see someone who would give up his own happiness if it meant that the people he cares about were happy.”
“K,” he breathes, but I go on.
“I see someone who tries really hard not to let himself get too close to others, and I wonder why that is. Maybe there isn’t a specific reason, maybe it’s just the way you are, Caleb, just like I am the way I am.
” I search his face. He looks like he’s struggling to stay inside his own body, and I know I’ve hit a nerve.
“Why is it that you accept me so easily, and then don’t expect my acceptance in return?
What is it that makes you think I won’t want you once I truly know you, all of you? ”
His heart beats wildly against my hand. The drumming sensation travels up my arm and spreads to the rest of my body, obliterating every last remnant of my dysphoria as I recall how I’ve caught Caleb looking at me over the past few weeks.
“You make me feel things I thought I’d never allow myself to feel.
You make me want things. Things I’ve kept telling myself I could never have. ”
“Like what?” He asks, transfixed.
“True intimacy. A real connection.”
“Kayden.” His hands travel up my shoulders, heavy and strong, his thumbs brushing against my neck.
“Because that’s what this is, isn’t it? You feel it too, don’t you? That this is different. It’s not just a fleeting thing, is it? It’s more than that. You feel it too. Don’t pretend you don’t.”
I pull my hand away from his chest and push up the sleeve of my hoodie, revealing the tattoo on my wrist. I trace the line of the four stars, then touch the first one, briefly, then the one next to it.
“This is Mom, and this is Dad.” I circle the third.
“This is Em.” I inhale shakily as I try to still my heart.
I trace the outline of the last star. “And this is you, Caleb. You are always there, right there. You always were. You are one of my bright shining stars.”
Caleb’s gaze flickers, and I can tell there’s a war going on inside him. I place my hand back on his chest, and his heart races underneath my palm. I hold my breath. I know I’m right about this. I know he feels it too.
Something shifts in his expression, not resignation exactly, but more like a newfound calmness. His hand slides to the back of my neck, and he draws me against him, crashing his mouth against mine.
“Fuck, K,” he grits. “Fuck.” His lips hover in front of mine, like he can’t decide what to do next.
“Don’t stop. Please don’t stop.” I press my lips back against his, and he pulls me closer.
I feel the plain hardness of his chest and his wildly beating heart.
I close my eyes, parting my lips, and his tongue invades my mouth.
His scent engulfs me, and I feel delirious as I grind my pelvis against his thigh.
I harden behind my packer, need spreading through my body like an out-of-control wildfire.
Caleb moans into my mouth, and our tongues twirl around each other.
His taste explodes on my tongue. I’ve never been kissed like this before, with such pure want and abandon.
I’ve never allowed myself to let go with another person the way I am with him right now.
I’ve kissed other guys, but I was always locked inside my head, unable to give in and let go, but with Caleb, I do.
He makes me feel safe, so unbelievably safe.
“Kayden.” He licks inside my mouth. “Fuck, Kayden.”
“More,” I beg, rubbing my crotch against his thick thigh. I’m so fucking hard. His grip tightens around the back of my neck, while his other hand flies to my hip as he tries to control my movements.
“Not yet.” His voice vibrates with restraint. “Let me do this right. Let me do right by you, baby.” His words penetrate my haze of lust, and I slowly still my movements. His words echo through me. Let me do this right. This. This.
I break away from him, my head spinning. Caleb stares at me, that wondrous expression still on his face.
“This?”
He nods.
Hope builds in my chest, pushing back the raw need. I gesture between us. “As in this?”
He smiles crookedly, almost shy, the pink in his cheeks deepening. “Yes.”
“Really?” My face splits into a wide smile.
He nods again, his smile widening too, but still careful. I see it in his eyes, though. He means it. There’s no doubt about it. “Yes.”
I throw myself at him, locking my arms around his neck, burying my face against his shoulder. I can hear the rapid thump-thump-thump of my heart in my head.
His breath is hot against my ear. “But we do this right, K. We go slow. We take our time.”
I nod, pressing kisses against his neck. “Slow,” I agree.