Chapter Eleven #2
“I mean it.” I hear the earnestness in his voice, and it unlocks something inside of me, this deep-seated need to let Caleb be in charge, to let him set the pace.
“Okay.” I smile against his neck, and he relaxes.
We lie down on my rumpled bed, wrapped around each other, our legs tangled.
Caleb sweeps his fingers through my hair in soothing movements, and I tuck my face against his shoulder.
Eventually, his breathing slows, and the movement of his fingers in my hair stills.
I don’t know what time it is, but Dad will probably come by soon to check on me.
I look up at Caleb. His face looks relaxed, serene, almost. I brush my fingers along his cheek, tracing the outline of his cheekbone.
He stirs in his sleep but doesn’t wake. Sleep pulls at me, but I force myself to stay awake.
I don’t want to miss a single second with him.
I jump at the sound of the intercom, and it takes a few seconds for my brain to remember where I am.
Something heavy is slung across my stomach.
I lift my head and take in Caleb, still sleeping next to me.
The intercom sounds again, and I realize it must be Dad.
I push at Caleb’s shoulder. “Hey, wake up.” He stirs slightly but doesn’t open his eyes.
I push him harder. “Caleb, my dad’s here.
Get up.” He groans, tugging me closer against his side, until his brain seems to register what I just said.
He sits up with a start, blinking his eyes open, rubbing his hands along his face. “Shit!” He smiles at me carefully, and my heart does a weird flip at his mussed-up hair and puffy lips. “I was out like a light. Did you sleep?”
I’m about to say something when my phone goes off, and Dad flashes across the screen.
“I’d better go let him in,” I say, while Caleb jumps from the bed, smoothing his shirt and adjusting himself.
I chuckle under my breath because Caleb, with a morning hard-on in the middle of the afternoon, is so fucking sexy and something I never in a million years thought I’d experience.
“What?” He eyes me through hooded lids.
I bite back a goofy smile, then get out of bed too. “Nothing.”
“Brat,” he digs, but there’s nothing but heat and fondness in his sexy-as-fuck voice. It’s all raspy from sleep, and within seconds I’m hard too. Or again.
I stick out my tongue, then hurry from my bedroom and bolt down the hallway before Dad alerts the police or the fire department or something. “Coming!” I yell, then cringe as I smooth down my messy hair. When I swing the door open, I’m met by Dad’s worried frown.
“You okay?” he asks, then enters when I move to the side.
“Yeah, yeah, I was just in the bathroom.”
Dad eyes me, but seems satisfied with my little white lie. As soon as I close the door behind him, he pulls me in and hugs me as if his life depends on it. “How are you feeling?”
“I’m better,” I murmur against his shoulder. Dad’s a few inches taller than me and a lot broader, and I disappear into his embrace.
“Good.” He pauses, then says quietly, “I gave them a piece of my mind down at the Department of Revenue. They assured me it was a system error, which has now been corrected.”
I nod. I really don’t feel like talking about it. “Thanks, Dad.”
“Where’s Caleb? Didn’t he stay?” Dad eases me away from him and squeezes my shoulders affectionately. Just when I’m about to say something, Caleb comes trailing down the hallway, then stands next to me.
He gives Dad a quick nod. “Hey man. Just adjusted a few loose cords in Kayden’s bedroom.” Caleb’s face is all stoic, not giving away that he was just in my bed, wrapped around me, after kissing me senseless a few hours ago.
“Good, good. Thanks again.” Something passes between them, then Dad turns back to me. “Did you eat, honey?”
I shake my head. “Not yet, but Caleb brought some soup we can heat up.”
“Sounds good. I could eat.” Dad pats his stomach, and I can’t help laughing.
We heat the soup and eat around the kitchen island.
Dad and Caleb discuss the renovation of the warehouse and the proposal they got from the contractor.
I feel Caleb’s eyes on me from time to time, his heated gaze lingering just a few seconds at a time.
My skin tingles where his eyes rest, and it feels like I have a fever as I burn up from the inside.
I can’t believe Caleb is attracted to me, too, and that he kissed me.
I can’t believe I told him about the tattoo.
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” Caleb lingers in the doorway, smiling at me, something flashing in his eyes that I haven’t seen before. Something new and exciting, like a promise, perhaps.
I smile back. “I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for coming over.”
“Of course, K.” A thousand butterflies take flight in my stomach all at once. K. Everything has changed in the course of a few hours, and yet, I’m still his K. It feels familiar and safe, like no matter what happens between us, we’ll be okay.
“You sure you don’t want to come home with me?” Dad eyes me, a worried frown between his eyebrows.
“Thanks, Dad, but I’m really okay. I promised Em we’d talk tonight. We have a lot of catching up to do.”
“Right, right.” Dad ruffles my hair, then pulls me into a side hug. “I love you, kid.”
“Love you too, Dad. Say hi to Mom.”
“Sure thing.”
After they leave, I call Emily. I hear the smile in her voice as soon as she picks up. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t my long-lost friend Kayden Somner. I thought you dropped off the face of the earth.”
“Haha, very funny, Em.” It never gets old hearing Emily call me by my full name. Kayden Somner. That’s who I am. I grin at Dad, giving them hell down at the Department of Revenue. Never underestimate the wrath of a dad who loves his trans kid.
“How’s it going?” There’s noise in the background, distant voices, and a beeping sound.
“Good. Where are you?”
“I’m at the store.”
“Should I call back?”
“Absolutely not. Then we won’t talk for another three weeks.
Not a chance!” She laughs, and I realize how much I miss her.
She was my anchor through college, my daily dose of dopamine, my ever-present hype girl.
The one I could tell everything to without having to fear judgment of any kind.
Emily is still that person. She has never, not even once, judged me. That’s not who we are to each other.
Without thinking, the words fly from my mouth. “I kissed Caleb!” My cheeks burn, my heart racing in my chest, as I hold my breath.
Something crashes to the ground on the other end.
“Em?”
“Shit! I dropped a can of tomato soup on the floor. Dude, did you just say what I thought you just said?”
“No?” I close my eyes as I wait for Emily to flip out.
“Oh my gawd, Kayden! You did! You so did! You kissed hot-as-fuck, sex-on-legs, Caleb Morgan!” she whisper-shouts.
Shit. It sounds like she’s bouncing up and down, her voice breathy.
“Are you jumping?” I laugh.
“Of course I’m fucking jumping. My bestie just told me he kissed the hottest fucking guy in Massachusetts! Shit, I’m so jealous. Caleb’s such a fox.”
I laugh even harder because I can just imagine Emily jumping up and down in a puddle of tomato soup in the middle of a grocery aisle.
“Sooo? What happened? Did he kiss you back?”
I nod as that goofy smile spreads even wider across my face.
“Kayden?”
“Yeah. Yeah, he did.”
And then she squeals. Emily fucking squeals. “Eeekkk! That’s amazing! He kissed you back!”
My heart does another weird flip, and warmth spreads through my chest. It just became real-real now that I’ve told Emily.
“So? What happens now?”
“I… I don’t know.” It hits me like a ton of bricks that I have no clue what happens next. We didn’t have time to talk after we woke up. After we slept wrapped around each other.
“What do you mean you don’t know?”
I sigh into the phone as all my insecurities come crashing back full force. What if it was just a pity kiss? What if he didn’t mean anything by it? What if he was just trying to make me feel better? What if he changes his mind once he realizes the implications of being with a trans guy? What if—
“Stop! Whatever you’re doing right now, Kayden, just stop.” As stern as Emily’s voice is, it’s also filled with affection and endless patience.
“I don’t know what happens next,” I whisper, clutching my phone.
“Okay. Okay. But what do you want to happen?”
“I don’t know. I’m freaking out, okay? What if it was just… I don’t know. What if…” I realize I can’t finish the sentence.
“I know you’re freaking out. Of course you are.
” There’s so much love in Emily’s voice, and I wish she were here right now, and we could just cuddle up on the couch together under a blanket and watch Girls and overindulge on chocolate and popcorn.
“But if you just allow yourself to feel for a moment, then what do you want to happen?”
I close my eyes. Instead of overthinking it, I let my heart speak for once. “I think I want to be with him. With Caleb. Or at least try.” I hold my breath, and Emily is quiet on the other end, too. “He makes me feel so safe, Em,” I whisper, my heart in my throat.
“Of course he does, babe.” Emily knows what safety means to a trans person. It’s everything because it’s not something we ever take for granted.
“What if he doesn’t want to, though?” It physically hurts to even say the words, but there’s a real possibility that Caleb is regretting the kiss this very second.
“Then he doesn’t want to. But you can’t control other people, K. You can only control yourself. But what makes you think he doesn’t want to? Because you’re trans?”
“Yes,” I whisper as tears slip from my eyes and slide down my cheeks. “Yes.”
“Yeah, I get that. But knowing Caleb, I don’t think he cares.”
“No?”
“No. Do you know if he’s ever been with a trans person before?”
“No, but I don’t think so.” I have no idea who Caleb has been with over the years, only that it’s many, both men and women.
“So you need to talk. You need to have this talk before anything else happens.”
I sigh, my body shivering at the idea of talking to Caleb about this. I know Emily is right, though. “I know. I know we do.”
“Everything will be okay, babe. I know it will.”
“If you say so,” I chuckle halfheartedly.
“Just listen to Dr. Emily, and all will be well.”
When I end the call, I notice I have a text from Caleb.
My fingers shake as I open it. Blood rushes in my head like I’m standing on top of a mountain, staring into an abyss.
I sit down on the couch because I don’t trust my legs anymore.
I clutch the phone against my chest, and it buzzes a couple more times.
I try to steady my wildly beating heart, focusing on my breathing.
I’m okay. Whatever it is Caleb has texted me, I’m okay.
Eventually, I ease the phone away from my chest and pull up the text.
Caleb: Come for a ride with me tomorrow after work
Caleb: We need to talk
Caleb: It’s nothing bad
Caleb: I promise
Caleb: Don’t worry
I blink at Caleb’s messages while my vision goes blurry. I think he’s nervous too. It makes me feel somewhat better to know I’m not the only one who is rattled by our confession and kiss this afternoon. My fingers tremble as I type back.
Okay
I smile at the phone because Caleb is typing out a reply instantly, like he was waiting for me.
Caleb: Okay, you’ll come for a ride with me, or okay, you won’t worry?
Shit, he knows me so well.
The first part
Caleb: Okay. But don’t worry. I promise you, it’s nothing bad, okay, baby?
Baby. Fuck my life. I know he called me that earlier, but to actually see it in writing… I swallow as more tears trail down my cheeks.
I’ll try. I promise
Caleb: Good. See you tomorrow
I lie down on the couch and close my eyes, cradling my phone against my heart.
I don’t know what’s going to happen tomorrow, but I trust Caleb.
He’s one of the few people I trust completely.
And Emily is right. I have no control over other people, but I am in control of myself. I am strong. I think.
After a while, my phone buzzes against my chest. I turn onto my back and pull up my messages. It’s from Caleb again, and for a second I imagine he’s changed his mind about tomorrow, about us, about me. Holding my breath, I open the text and read it. And read it again. And again.
Caleb: I can still fucking taste you, btw
Holy shit.