Chapter Twelve
Caleb
The day moves along at a snail’s pace, and after lunch, I catch myself checking the time on my phone every few minutes.
Kayden’s been hiding away in his office most of the day, and when I ran into him by the coffee machine earlier, he could hardly look at me, his adorable face aflame.
Maybe I went too far yesterday. Not with the kiss, but with my last text.
I mean, Kayden is not as experienced as my previous—no, it feels wrong to even compare him to anyone else.
He’s not a fling or a hookup. I don’t know what we are yet, aside from friends who have kissed, but I want to find out.
I want to find out if there’s more, and if he wants more.
Something tells me I can’t go at my usual pace this time.
I need to be patient and careful, and maybe that’s good for me too.
To pause for once and not be in such a fucking hurry to get from A to Z.
Maybe the other letters are worth visiting too.
Maybe L, M, and N are interesting. And yes…
I’ve officially lost my mind, thinking about the alphabet.
Then I think of Sal and what he’s going to say if or when he finds out.
Kayden is his kid, his everything, and I’m his best friend.
How will that go down? I rub my hands against my face and groan into my palms. I’m getting ahead of myself.
Kayden might not even want to explore this thing between us.
The thought alone sends my heart plummeting into my stomach.
What if Kayden decides that I’m not worth the trouble with my track record?
My very long track record. Jesus. The only positive today is that I haven’t run into Sal because he’s at the bank, then working from home.
I could just imagine our daily catch-up in the kitchen over a cup of coffee.
‘Hey man, how’s your day?’
‘Good, good.’
‘Busy?’
‘Nah, not too bad. Just using way too much brain power thinking about how your son—your only son—felt in my lap yesterday when I kissed him.’
Right.
Good times.
I glare at my phone again, willing time to move faster.
As soon as the digital numbers change to 3:30, I fly from my chair.
That’s it! I’m clocking out early. I’m the boss after all.
There needs to be some perks to being the boss.
I grab my jacket from the back of my chair and swing by Kayden’s office.
The door is open as usual, and he looks up as soon as I knock on the doorjamb.
“It’s not 4:30 yet!” he blurts, looking at me all panicky.
I laugh. “I know. I checked with your boss, and he says it’s okay.” And of course I have to go and wink.
Kayden pales, then looks down at his keyboard. He’s in a pale purple short-sleeved shirt, and he looks like summer and sunshine and everything that’s good and right in this world.
“Hey,” I say as I move into his office.
He looks up at me, his blue eyes huge, those damn curls falling onto his forehead. A small stud with a light blue crystal sits in his one earlobe, trying to outshine his eyes, but there’s no fucking way. He looks 100% delectable.
“I’m freaking out,” he says, then digs his teeth into his bottom lip.
“Me too,” I admit, and surprise flashes across his face.
“Really? Caleb Morgan is freaking out?” A shy smile plays along his lips, and mine tingle with the phantom feel of how his kiss felt yesterday.
“Yeah, really. I do freak out sometimes. About things that matter at least.”
His gaze softens, and he shakes his head in disbelief, like it’s unfathomable to him that he could matter to someone.
“Finish up, and I’ll meet you outside. Marilyn is getting impatient.” I’m getting impatient.
A sigh leaves his body, and he nods. “Okay, meet you out there.”
The drive down the coast doesn’t take more than twenty minutes, but it feels like an eternity.
Kayden stares out the window as we pass by the familiar landscape, the view of the ocean a fixed backdrop.
He doesn’t say anything, and I don’t feel like filling the space with meaningless small talk either.
The only sound is the steady hum from the engine, and when another car occasionally blows past us in the opposite direction.
When I pull into the side and park at the overlook that offers a stunning panorama of the ocean, the other parking spaces are empty, and I let out a breath of relief.
I know it’s unlikely to run into anyone we know here, but I just want Kayden to myself right now.
I turn off the engine and lean back in my seat.
I feel Kayden’s eyes on me, and when I turn, he looks so uncertain and worried that it breaks my fucking heart.
“Come for a walk with me, K.” I reach for his hand and twine my fingers through his. He gasps at the touch, his palm clammy. His gaze dips to our clasped hands, and pink blooms across his cheeks.
“Okay,” he murmurs, then looks back up at me, a million questions in his eyes.
I squeeze his fingers, then let go of his hand and get out of the car.
He follows my lead, and as soon as I’m beside him, I take hold of his hand again.
It feels so right in mine. The weight and the warm softness of his skin, just like yesterday and that day at the garden center, like he’s a natural extension of me.
The need to touch him is unlike anything I’ve ever experienced before, like this overwhelming force surfacing whenever he’s close.
I’m not a hand-holder or a PDA kind of guy, but with Kayden, it’s like I can’t get close enough.
I tug him after me down a trail that leads to the beach through a forest-like area.
The sun peeks through the crowns of the trees, creating a mosaic of light and shadows on the ground before me.
We’ve been here before over the years, and I know it by heart.
I’ve walked here with Kayden running ahead of me, eager to get to the beach, and I’ve walked with him on my shoulders in the opposite direction after a long day in the sun, swimming and building sandcastles.
I don’t know if it should feel awkward, walking here with him now, holding his hand, but it doesn’t.
It just feels like a natural continuation of our relationship, like we’ve evolved past the point where we’re just friends, and now we are becoming something more.
I know I can’t separate my memories of Kayden as a kid from how I feel about him now.
It would be pointless to pretend that I haven’t always known him, because I have, and now that our relationship is changing, I have to deal with that.
We reach the beach and find it empty. Kayden still hasn’t said anything.
I lead him to a large trunk of sun-bleached driftwood, partially shaded by a large tree.
I sit down and pull him with me. We both stare out at the water, our thighs and shoulders so close we almost touch.
The heat from his body emanates toward mine, and the small hairs on my arms stand at attention.
I’m so attuned to him, like I know what he thinks and feels without having to ask.
Right now, his body language tells me he needs a few moments to just be.
It’s a clear day, not a single cloud as far as the eye can see. Kayden squints toward the horizon, and his nose does that cute little frowny thing it always does when he’s deep in thought.
“What did you want to talk about?” he says eventually, his eyes not leaving the ocean. I suddenly feel nervous. I don’t usually get nervous, but I guess there’s a lot at stake here. Not just my friendship with Kayden, but also the possibility of something more.
“I want to talk about yesterday, but I really need you to look at me first.”
He closes his eyes briefly, like he’s preparing himself, and then he turns so our eyes meet.
My chest squeezes because, fuck, he’s stunning as he sits there, the sun hitting him from behind, bathing him in a golden hue.
It’s like he’s glowing, his blond curls surrounding his face like a halo.
I swallow, then focus on what I need to say.
I reach for his hands and hold them in mine. He shivers, but he doesn’t look away.
“Okay, look—” The second the word leaves my mouth, I know it was the wrong thing to say because what positive conversation in the history of mankind has ever started with the word look?
Kayden’s face transforms in front of me, and that expressionless mask comes back up as he withdraws into himself.
He tries to pull his hands out of my grasp, but I don’t let him.
“Sorry, that’s on me,” I rush out. “Not look. No look. Forget about look. Look sucks.”
Kayden frowns at me like he’s worried I’m having a stroke or something, and I curse myself for already fucking this up.
“Let me start again.” I sigh, desperately searching for the right words.
“First of all, whatever happens between us, or not, I don’t want to lose you.
” Fuck, why is this so hard? I’m a forty-year-old man, for Christ’s sake, not some bashful debutante.
“You won’t.” His voice is soft but filled with certainty. How can he be so sure when I’m stumbling forward like Bambi on ice?
“I won’t?”
He shakes his head. “No. We just have to… I don’t know. We just have to let this thing ride itself out or something.”
Ride itself out? What the hell is he talking about?
He looks back up at me, and I see it painted across his face as clear as fucking daylight. He’s trying to beat me to it so he won’t get hurt. But there’s nothing to beat me to. Ride itself out? The hell I am.
“And what if it doesn’t go away?”
Kayden swallows, uncertainty flashing in his eyes. “It will.”
“You sure about that?”
“Caleb,” he sighs.