Chapter Twelve #2
Fuck, my name on his lips. It drives me fucking wild.
No one has ever spoken my name like that before, with such intent, like I fucking matter.
Well, my parents did, but that was different.
I mattered to them, but not because it was something I’d earned, but because I was their child.
With Kayden, it feels like I’ve earned it.
“What are you afraid of?”
He pulls his hands out of my hold and crosses them in front of his chest. “I’m not afraid.” He tips his chin in defiance, but I see right through him. He’s scared shitless, just like me.
“Then what is it?”
He tips his head back and groans at the sky. “It’s you, Caleb. It’s you, okay?”
“Me?” I stare at his lean neck. I want to touch him. I want to bury my face against that hollow space between his collarbones and breathe him in. I want to stay there and not come up for air until the sun dips behind the horizon, but I know now is not the right time.
He drops his head and looks at me again, frustration simmering in his eyes. “Yes. You’ve always known me. My whole life.”
“I have.”
“And that’s just it. That’s the whole fucking problem.” He sounds exasperated as his voice grows in volume, his bottom lip trembling. “You knew me when… When I was a… fuck!” He buries his face in his hands, groaning into them. His shoulders shake. “When I was…”
“You were never a girl, K, if that’s what you mean.” I clench my fists because I want to grab onto him so badly and hold him close. “And I sure as hell don’t see you as one now.”
“I know.” When he pulls his hands away from his face, his eyes are wet.
“But it’s one thing to see me like this, and another to see all of me.
” He looks so lost and defeated. Like he’s tired of having to explain to the world who he is.
Anger builds inside me. Not at him, but at the way the world is, because there will always be situations where Kayden will have to explain himself, and I hate that because he’s perfect and he doesn’t owe anyone anything.
“Hey,” I say, reaching for him. I rest my hand against his chin, and he leans into me. “What makes you think I won’t like everything I see? That I won’t want everything I see? Because others have had a problem with how you look?”
He shakes his head, his eyes glistening. “There haven’t been others.”
I swallow, my chest tightening. “Oh.” I don’t know what I expected, but I didn’t expect that.
“Yes, oh.” He shrugs, and a strange feeling of lightness blooms inside me. He draws his eyebrows together, scowling at me. “Why are you smiling?”
“Because I kind of like that idea, is all.” He blushes even deeper at my words, but it’s true. Call me selfish, but I love the idea of Kayden not being with anyone else but me. “So when I kissed you yesterday?”
He chuckles softly. “No, I’ve been kissed before.
I mean, I haven’t been kissed like that before, but…
” Happiness spreads in my chest along with an unprecedented feeling of possessiveness.
I’m not usually the jealous type, but I do like the idea of being responsible for the best kiss Kayden has ever had.
“Don’t look so fucking smug!” he bites out, failing to bite back a laugh.
“I’m not!” I totally am. I feel like pounding my chest, but that would probably be overkill.
Silence stretches between us again, and I’m unsure where we go from here. I get that he’s scared. I am too, if I’m being honest, but it doesn’t deter me from wanting to be with him and seeing if there’s something real here.
After a while, an idea takes shape in my head. It might be the dumbest fucking idea ever, but I have to try something. “So what if I didn’t?”
He frowns at me. “What?”
“What if I hadn’t known you all my life?”
“But you have.”
“Yeah, but… just bear with me for a second.”
He rolls his eyes, just a barely there movement, and we definitely have to talk about that later, because bratty much?
I think about the app and the encounters I’ve had with that guy recently. If it weren’t for Kayden and how I feel about him, there’s a possibility I would’ve eventually asked that guy if he wanted to meet up in real life. I’m not going to now, obviously, but I have done before.
“What if we’d just met?”
“Caleb…”
“Just pretend for a second. On an app, maybe, and we decided to meet up.”
Something flashes through his eyes, and the blue turns a shade darker. If I’m not mistaken, the idea turns him on. Then he seems to shake himself. “I can’t pretend that.”
“Why not?”
“I don’t know. It’s just…”
“Just try. Say ‘before we go any further, there’s something you need to know.’”
“Caleb.”
“Okay, okay. I’ll go first.” His eyes widen, but I continue. “‘Before we take this any further, there’s something you should know.’”
He snorts, then rolls his fucking eyes at me again, and this time he’s not even trying to hide it.
“I’m serious, okay? Ask me what it is.”
“This is ridiculous,” he groans.
“Ask. Me.”
“Okay. What should I know?”
“That I’ve never been in a serious relationship before and that I have no fucking clue what I’m doing.” I hold out my hands. There. “Your turn.”
He stares at me, then sucks his bottom lip into his mouth, and along with that eye roll, I have a feeling there’s a bratty side to Kayden I haven’t seen yet.
I really fucking want to, though. “I don’t know what you want me to say, Caleb.
” His voice is breathy, vulnerable, and again, my body aches to hold him close and whisper against his hair that everything is going to be okay.
“Say ‘before we go any further, there’s something you should know.’”
“Before we go any further, there’s something you should know.”
“What?”
“Oh, God.”
“Just say it. ‘I’m trans.’”
He swallows, then licks his lips. “I’m trans.” He looks away as soon as the words leave his mouth.
“Please look at me, Kayden.” He does, and it’s like there’s a storm roaring inside of him. “I’ve never been with a trans man before, but if it’s okay with you, if it’s something you want too, then I’d like to try.”
“What?”
“To date you.”
He scoffs. “But you don’t date, Caleb.”
I laugh at that, because I don’t really, no. It’s more just one long hookup usually. No feelings, no obligations, no promises. I can’t do that with Kayden, though. I don’t want to do that with him.
“There’s a whole bunch of things I don’t usually do, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to, with the right person.” I realize it’s true. It’s not that I don’t want closeness or someone in my life. It has just never felt right before.
“I don’t know if I’m right for you,” he whispers, but I see it there, in his eyes, the hope and the longing that mirrors my own.
“Why don’t you let me be the judge of that? I might not be right for you either, but at least we won’t have to wonder.”
His face lights up. “You wonder? About me?”
“I do.”
His face becomes a myriad of conflicted emotions. “Okay, but I don’t want to lose our friendship.”
“You won’t.” I know there’s no way in hell I can promise him that, but I can’t walk away from this. Not when he obviously wants it too.
“No?”
“Never.”
He nods, a timid smile curling along his lips. “Okay.”
“Okay, what?” My heart does that weird flip again, and now I really fucking want to hold him and maybe sneak in another kiss too.
“One date.” He holds up a finger. “One. That’s all I’m agreeing to.”
“Yes!” I pump my fist, and he snorts, shaking his head.
“You’re such a dork. Don’t get too excited. One is all you’re getting for now.”
“I heard you. Saturday. I’ll cook something.”
“Good God,” he groans, tipping his head back, flashing that lean golden neck again like he’s trying to kill me. Death by gorgeously sexy neck.
I laugh. “What?”
“You don’t even cook, Caleb.”
“I cook,” I protest, but he’s right; I can’t cook for shit. I can learn, though. It’s only Tuesday. I can fucking learn how to cook by Saturday. I’m going to woo him with my culinary skills. “Just you wait and see. I’m going to blow you away, Kayden Somner.”
Kayden just smiles even wider, and now it does reach his eyes. He’s so gorgeous it steals the air right out of my lungs. And the best thing: I put it there, the smile. How about that? Yeah, I’ve got this.
“More like blow up your kitchen,” he teases.
I clutch my chest. “Brutal, baby. Don’t you have any faith in me?”
He pinches his index finger and thumb together. “Only a little.”
“So, room for improvement is what you’re saying?”
“In some areas,” he breathes, his eyes darkening, and Saturday just can’t come fast enough.