Chapter Nineteen #2
“Pfft, who wants easy? Who in their right mind would want easy when they could have you?” As always, when Mom states her love for me so fiercely, I think about all the trans kids out there who don’t have parents as accepting as mine.
Kids who are shunned and thrown away. Some even experience violence at the hands of the people who are supposed to love and protect them.
Kids who are denied their true identity and sent away to God knows where to experience God knows what kind of abuse.
I know I’m lucky, and even though Mom says I don’t owe her and Dad anything, it’s not true.
I owe them my life in more ways than I can count, because they not only gave it to me, but they also made me want to live when I was in a very dark place before my transition.
“Thanks, Mom,” I whisper, and we sit in silence for a while, gazing out at the park.
Eventually, Mom tugs at my hand. “So what is it, sweetie?”
I should’ve known she wouldn’t let me off the hook this easily.
Suddenly, there’s not enough air in the room.
I rub across my chest, then stare into the blackness of the coffee.
It feels like the time I told them I was a boy.
I was so scared, even though I knew deep down they’d be okay with it.
The mind is funny like that. It makes up all sorts of awful, catastrophic scenarios, just like my mind is right now, telling me that Mom will judge me, judge Caleb, for what we are to each other.
For what we have become. Lovers, boyfriends.
I breathe through my nose as I try to center myself.
I remind myself that Mom isn’t a judgmental person.
I recall how Mom hugged me after I told her and Dad I’m trans, how it was the best hug of my life because it was my first hug as an openly trans boy.
Swallowing the lump in my throat, I look into Mom’s eyes.
“I met someone,” I whisper, and Mom’s gaze softens instantly, all worry bleeding away from her face.
She doesn’t say anything, though, just continues to hold my hand.
“It’s pretty new, but it’s serious. I, uhm…
” I smile at the recollection of Caleb telling me he’s in love with me, and how complete it made me feel. “I love him. A lot, actually.”
“Oh, sweetie,” Mom coos, then gets up from her chair and comes around to my side.
She leans down and hugs me fiercely. “I’m so happy for you.
So, so happy.” I sniffle against her shoulder, clinging to her scrubs, suddenly overcome with everything.
“You deserve that. You do.” She rocks me from side to side, then pulls away, tears clinging to her eyelashes.
“I want you to meet him,” I say. “Sunday.”
“Of course!” Mom wipes her eyes, then returns to her seat. “He’s a local boy?” She reaches for her cup and takes a long sip of coffee, and I notice her hands shake a little.
I bite my lip, unsure how to go about this. “Yes, he’s local.” It feels like a storm is gathering inside me, threatening to spin me out of control, because I know I’m going to tell her everything now.
It turns out I don’t have to, though. The moment Mom looks back up at me, something flickers in her eyes. Understanding and recognition. A little sadness and concern, too, if I’m not mistaken.
“Oh,” she says, her voice quiet. “Of course. Caleb.” At first, I can’t read her face, and it scares me a little. Then she shrugs, sighing. “For how long?”
My mouth has gone impossibly dry, and I push the words out. “A few weeks.”
Mom nods, then smiles softly. “You’ve been happy.
I mean, really, truly happy. Your dad and I…
” she shakes her head, her ponytail swinging from side to side.
“We’ve been talking about it. How happy you are.
” The mention of Dad sends my heart racing in my chest. Mom reaches for my hand again and tangles her fingers through mine. “Does Caleb feel the same?”
I nod, my voice thick with emotion. “Yes, he does. He loves me too, Mom.”
“Okay.” Something flickers in her eyes, and I can only imagine what she’s thinking. Perhaps that Caleb is a notorious flirt, a commitment-phobe, and that he’ll end up breaking my heart. But she doesn’t say any of that because she knows I don’t need to hear it.
“We’re gonna tell Dad on Sunday. But I needed… I needed to tell you first, Mom. I know you guys tell each other everything, but please don’t say anything until Sunday. I want to tell him myself. With Caleb.”
“Of course. Of course I won’t. But he… Your dad…”
“I know. He won’t understand at first. But I—”
Mom tugs at my hand. “It’ll be okay. Caleb’s a good guy. Your dad knows that deep down. It’ll be a shock for sure, and he’ll probably freak out, but he’ll come around.”
“I hope so.”
“He will. Your dad just wants you to be happy, and if Caleb does—”
“He does.”
“Okay.”
“Thanks, Mom. I love you.” I want so badly to believe her, but the truth is, I don’t know what will happen if Dad isn’t okay with Caleb and me being together.
“I love you too, sweetie. So much.” She shakes her head, then muses. “Caleb Morgan. I sure am glad now I didn’t go all the way with him on prom night because that would’ve been weird.”
“Mom!” I yell, clasping my hands over my ears.
“What?” she laughs.
I shudder. “Don’t ever say stuff like that again. Please.”
“Sorry,” she giggles, then sobers, tilting her head at me. “It makes sense, I guess.”
“What?”
“You and Caleb. I see it. He’s loyal and humble about life.
He’s someone you can really count on. If Caleb has decided he loves you, then he means it.
He doesn’t throw that word around casually.
” Mom’s words leave me stunned. I don’t know if I was expecting her to try to talk me out of it, but for her to give us her blessing so easily…
Then again, it’s similar to how easily she and Dad gave me their acceptance when I came out to them.
“Thanks, Mom. I really needed to hear that.”
I only hope Dad will be as accepting of my relationship with Caleb as Mom is.