Chapter 4 #2
Kash swung his arm, and his fist slammed into my face, knocking me back and away from him.
My jaw clenched, and I stood tall as I stared back at him.
He was a fucking wreck. But he was still mine.
“I’ll let you have that.” I wiped a small amount of blood from my mouth and spat on the ground.
“But if you want to get rough, I’ll happily land you on your fucking ass.
” Kash wiped his nose, and I knew immediately why he was so fucking agitated.
My head tilted. “Really? We’re on this little break from reality, no stress of performing or any fucking paparazzi following us, and you’re fucking high?
” Kash balled his fists and glared at me.
“What the fuck is going on with you?” I stepped closer, one step at a time.
“I said leave me alone!” Kash swung and I caught his arm. He kept moving and swinging, desperately trying to hurt me, but I let him use me. I let him land punch after punch as he unleashed all his pent-up rage and pain. He began to scream and shout, tears running down his face. “Leave me alone!”
Kash stumbled and fell over, landing in the dirt.
We both remained still for a moment, huffing and puffing from everything.
He wiped his face and dropped his head in defeat.
I shook the pain from his blows off and knelt down next to him.
“Kash,” I whispered with hesitation. He slowly rotated and looked up at me.
“Please,” I begged. “You’re obviously hurting. ”
Kash closed his eyes and took a deep breath. “It’s my pain to carry.” His words made my heart ache. “I really didn’t mean to upset José.” He sat up on his knees, wiping his face. “You have to believe me. I love that kid like he was my own. I would never—” He choked on his tears.
“I know.” I rubbed his arm. “I know, but this .” I pointed to him.
“This isn’t about José. There’s something else going on with you.
You’ve been acting this way for a while, ever since the night Carmen got hurt.
” I studied him closely. “Kash, please. Don’t push me away.
” I watched him closely. “Is it Twila?” I regretted speaking those words immediately as I asked the question.
Kash pushed me back, and I fell onto my ass.
“It’s not Twila! Fuck, Motley! It’s you!
You’re the problem!” My blood ran cold. Kash glared at me with conflicted eyes, tears flowing down his pale cheeks as he ran his fingers through his hair.
“Fuck,” he breathed. “Don’t you get it? All of this—shit piled on my plate, weighing me down is because of you .
” He shook his head and buried his face in his hands.
Every muscle in my body tightened, and I lowered my head in defeat.
“If I’m such a problem,” I groaned, “then you must be a fucking masochist. Otherwise, you wouldn’t keep coming back, tormenting yourself with me.
” I scoffed. “You know, I get your hurting, but lashing out at people who care about you, blaming them for your own inner demons, it’s not a good look. ”
“Not a good look?” Kash laughed sarcastically.
“Fuck how people see me! I’m so fucking sick and tired of always doing things to fit this—this mold that has been set before me!
I have to look and act and dress just how everyone else wants, and it’s too fucking much!
” He looked at me, and I realized what the real root of his lashing out was.
“Kash.” I rotated around to face him. “Is this about the photos? Are you still worried about someone finding out about us?”
Kash’s head fell, and he reached into his back pocket and tossed the same crinkled photographs down at my feet. “Finding out? Motley, someone already knows!” He pointed down at the photos. “They know and have proof!”
I should’ve known this was what was really weighing over him.
My hand reached into my jeans pocket, and I pulled my lighter out.
I picked the photographs up one by one and lit them on fire as I dropped them between us.
Kash watched with wide eyes, witnessing this ‘evidence’ burn before him.
“There. Now, they don’t.” I looked at him and met his dark eyes. “Problem solved.”
Kash ignored my smile. “No, it’s not. What if they have more photos? And what if they decide to release them? What then, Motley?” He rolled to his feet and kicked the ashes of the photos.
I stood and stopped him from running. “No more running.” I snatched the front of his belt and yanked him close. “You spill all your pain right here, right now.”
“It’s mine to bear,” Kash groaned.
I shook my head. “No. Not with me, it’s not.
I’m not Ducky or Carmen or Twila. You don’t get to hide and run from me.
You want to blame me for your problems? Fine.
I’ll take that blame. But you don’t get to outrun this.
” I pointed between us. “I’m not ashamed of what we have.
And unlike you, I don’t fucking regret it.
You’re mine, Kash. Not just your body, but your whole fucking soul.
You don’t get to tuck your feelings away from me or lie to my face.
I don’t care how much you’re hurting, you fucking let me carry that pain with you.
You let it all out, right here. Now, tell me, ” I growled.
Kash eyed me closely. “Motley,” he whispered my name.
It made every nerve in my body flinch with an electric rush.
“I don’t regret what we have.” Well, that’s a relief.
“I-I regret that I can’t have more.” His tear-filled eyes looked at me, and I nearly gasped at his statement.
“I tried to deny it for so fucking long, Motley, but I can’t.
” He gripped the edge of my sleeveless shirt and twisted the fabric between his fingers.
“I don’t want to hide you. I want to be able to kiss you and not care who sees us.
To grab your fucking face and kiss the shit out of you on stage! I want more.”
I wanted to believe it, but it was hard considering how persistent he had been in keeping me his dirty little secret. I pulled Kash’s hand back and broke my gaze from his eyes. “What about Twila? How does she fit into all of this?”
Kash’s face darkened. “You don’t believe me, do you?
” He shook his head and sighed. “I don’t blame you.
Fuck, I haven’t exactly been the easiest person to be with, let alone trust.” He stepped back and leaned against a tree while he rubbed his eyes.
“I love Twila, Motley. And I would never do anything to hurt her.” Hearing him confess how strongly he felt for the blonde groupie stung.
He must’ve seen the pained expression across my face.
“Not like that. I love her in a sense of…well, she’s my soulmate.
Yes, she’s attractive and has an amazing body, but I don’t really see her that way. Not romantically.”
My arms crossed. “Yet you still fuck her.” It sounded as jealous as I felt.
Kash grinned at me. “Not as much as you, big boy.” I grunted.
“Nah, I see her more as my closest friend. Yeah, the sex is okay, but it’s not the same.
Twila is more of an extension of my own self.
If that even makes any fucking sense. She just gets me.
I can tell her almost anything and know that she’ll never judge me or hold it against me. She’d never hurt me.”
I tried to grapple with what he was saying, but it almost felt like he was rambling in circles.
“I just don’t get it, Kash. You say you love Twila, but not romantically, yet you parade her all over town and on stage, making everyone believe what you two have is real.
Fuck, I even believe it, and I’m the one you’re fucking almost every night!
” He laughed. “It’s not fucking funny! You’re playing with everyone’s emotions and toying with us like it’s some form of sick entertainment.
You say you want to be with me, yet you’re twirling that blonde groupie onstage! ”
“She’s not a groupie.” He sounded offended.
“And I don’t think any of this is funny.
I fucking hate it. I hate lying to Twila.
I hate lying to everyone, but I really fucking hate lying about you.
” I scoffed and rolled my eyes. “Don’t you do that to me.
” Kash shot from the tree and grabbed my neck.
“Don’t you fucking roll your eyes at me!
I’m telling you the truth, spilling it at your feet just like you fucking wanted!
Don’t you get it, Motley? I put on this mask and perform for the entire world!
I don’t love Twila the way I love you! But I pretend to!
Not for me, but for all of you!” We both froze as his words registered in our ears.
“Fuck,” he whispered. Kash let go of me and stepped back as if his own admittance scared him.
I had to blink to really understand what he said. I wanted to ask him to say it again, but I knew it would only push him away. Instead, I kept quiet and focused on his other admission. “What do you mean, you do it all for us?” I hated avoiding the real question.