Abel
It doesn’t take us long to pack all our shit up. We don’t even check out, just drop the keycards on the bed and leave. I’d paid cash for the night. They could keep the change.
We’re driving back toward Rose’s hometown and then past it for another half hour, with my hand in hers. I wish I could push the gas to the fucking floor and be rid of this godforsaken place. Head to Mexico or something. If mami were here, she’d beat my ass.
Leave that gringa . Ella no buena para ti , . Her words trickle in like she’s in the backseat, smoking a cigarette with a Bible in her free hand as she looks for some passage in that text to hang over my head.
But what the fuck did mami know?
She died holding an empty wine glass with vomit lodged in her throat.
We pull into another motel and I make Rose wait in the car again as I get a room situated. By the time I reach the car with a new set of keycards in hand, I see Rose fast asleep through the window, leaning her head against it. She looks so peaceful there, like she couldn’t harm a fly.
I know better.
I grab the backpacks and sling them over my shoulder before reaching for her. I’ll get our snacks and shit after I put her in bed. She stirs a little, a whimper passing her lips that makes me swear, but I take her in my arms and carry her toward our room. She isn’t heavy but I’m thankful we’re on the ground floor because I’m tired as fuck.
I unlock the door and place her on the bed before going back to get the rest of our things. When I set them down on the small desk in the room, I head to the bathroom to splash some water over my face, just to wake me up. I don’t want to fall asleep until the sun goes down.
I’d cleaned up after the fight, but I could still hear the sound of Rose’s fist hitting the guy’s face, and the keys between her knuckles puncturing his flesh. My reflection looks haggard and I’m tempted to shower but my anxiousness won’t let me relax until I know we’re safe.
I drag my tired ass to sit on the edge of the bed and turn on the television, flipping it to through news channels. After a half hour, I start to relax. We aren’t on the news.
Yet.
But why? Why hasn’t Dr. Brown notified the authorities? What game is he playing at?
I turn to look over at Rose as she sleeps, and I smile at the sight of her at ease. This is worth every obstacle, knowing she’s warm, comfortable, and free.
To have seen her at her worst, hands bloodied and ruined by solitary…
Scary as shit to think I haven’t participated in as much lethal violence as I have since we escaped, but I really don’t think I’ve witnessed her worst. Not yet, anyway.
My life is full of that fucking word. Yet. I try not to wonder about the future, but I can’t even help that.
What kind of future do Rose and I have to look forward to? One where we’re always looking over our shoulders? What could we really fucking do?
We couldn’t have a normal life.
Estupido, mami utters from where she stands in the doorway of the bathroom.
“ Callate, ya, ” I mutter to the apparition, closing my eyes as I wish her away. When I open them again, she’s gone.
The question of if this all was worth it bubbles up in my chest, making its way to my brain. Was it worth taking her out of one hell to place her in a different one?
Was it worth offering her a life I didn’t know I could really deliver?
What about me? I’d always wanted to buy a house, get married, and have a couple of kids. What about my future?
Rose isn’t on medication and refuses to be helped and because I love her, I want her to be happy. But now that I have to worry about how deep I’m in and how entwined our lives are, I’m breathless. My chest hurts.
I rub my hand over my heart and sit up straight.
One of the phones is in the pocket of my pants. I reach into it, and pull it out, flipping it open and shut. Open and shut.
I’d set them up while Rose showered at the last motel. There’s only one contact in this phone; the number of the second phone I’d purchased.
Because who the hell else would I have to call in my new life? I don’t have anyone else now. Not that I had many people in my life to begin with. Cousins, aunts and uncles, old friends who’d all faded away into their own lives.
So now it’s just Rose and I.
Would that be enough?
I wonder…
But you love her, pendejo .
I look down at her and I know I do. I love the parts that no one sees. I love the fucking hopes and dreams I see in her eyes. I don’t regret saving her. I don’t.
But I regret not thinking things through, not offering a way to make her take her medication. Not finding a way to figure out what they were and what the dosage was so I could at least attempt to get her back on them.
I loved her selfishly instead. I didn’t do right by her and now people will suffer.
Including me.
But fuck it.
I deserve it.
Without a second thought, I place the phones on the nightstand and move to lay beside her, pulling her into my arms while the news plays silently in the background.