Eighteen
Ben
Sharing my past with Sadie was liberating. I no longer feel like these secrets are mine to keep. Now that she knows, they aren’t weighing me down as heavily as they were before. Not only does she know but she made it feel better—she made me feel like my still having a fucking heartbeat instead of my mother is for a purpose. One my mother planned.
You’re her legacy, Ben .
How profound, how perfect those words are. They may not take away the rage or the guilt, but they help it feel a little less cancerous. While we drive to the grocery store to buy a pie, she sings every song on the radio without a care, absentmindedly checking her phone and watching people as they pass.
Sadie thinks I asked her to marry me because I’m an emotional wreck, but she has no idea that I want her to be mine for good. It’s only been two weeks, but time cannot define who we are or the love that we have built.
I never wanted love—I thought it was for complete morons—but Sadie makes the idea of love and marriage sound like a gold nugget in a world full of stones. She’s the treasure I’ve searched for, the home I’ve been dying to find, and with her, in the weeks of having her, I’ve found all that and more—I’ve learned that there is still a place inside me that can love and accept love.
“Mama is going to kick my ass when she sees I brought a store-bought pie.” Sadie turns down the radio as we pull into the parking lot of the local grocer.
“Oh really?” Climbing out, I rush to her side, open her door, and take her hand to help her out. I take that same hand and bring it to my lips, giving the back a long, open-mouth kiss, biting the skin before releasing it.
“Ouch! And you can count on it. She taught me how to bake and always says that the store stuff is all preservatives.”
“Agreed, but time got away from us,” I say.
“That’s okay, more time with you is better. We won’t get much of it because of the touring schedule. Where do you head next?” She rubs her thumb along the back of my hand, tracing the thick veins.
“We head back to the Midwest.”
“Touring is odd to me. One minute you are in New York, then Florida, and then they send you back to New York. Why not do all the shows in one place at the same time instead of ping-ponging?”
I chuckle. “Depends on ticket sales. Some places have higher tickets sales during weekends or certain times of year, and some other things. I never really asked.” I shrug as we enter the grocery store and grab a shopping cart. When you first step inside, there is a floral department, and the smell of roses and lilies fills the air. Sadie’s nose flares, and I sneak a peek at her taking it in.
“Do you like touring?”
“I did. I still do, but there is something that makes traveling a lot less enjoyable these days,” I hint, looking down at her as those fucking dimples break through.
“Careful, what would the world do if the Ben Cooper said mushy stuff to some nobody,” she teases.
“You aren’t nobody, Sadie.” She was joking, but I believe behind every joke there is an ugly truth. Sadie is more than somebody. She is fucking everything.
“To you, maybe, but to the world, I am just another girl.” She shrugs.
“You—”
“Ben Cooper? Oh my god, we are huge fans. Can we get a picture? Oh! And your autograph!” We are interrupted by two fans. They look to be my age, and they rush up to us. Sadie backs away, jolted by the sudden intrusion. I am used to this—it happens a lot—but she isn’t.
“Sure thing.” I hurry and sign a grocery receipt and the back of one of their T-shirts before snapping a picture. I say goodbye and instantly look to Sadie. She has the slightest deer-in-headlights look on her gorgeous face.
“Sorry, baby. You okay?” I ask her, pulling her back into my side.
She nods. “Does that happen a lot?”
“Yes, it does. Usually at the shows we have security, so you haven’t seen too much of that.” I pause and look around. A few people look in our direction; one guy even whispers to the clerk, and they both look at me. I’m usually not this hyperaware of fans, because I’ve grown used to it. I continue, “I should have brought Nick; he could have grabbed things for us. Sorry, that was a lot.”
“No, no. It’s fine. Really, it’s kind of interesting to see.”
I look her over and make sure she is all right. Once her body isn’t as tense, I take her hand and continue to push the cart with the other.
“What about tabloids, angel? You know that you are going to be in them, right?”
Tabloids and paparazzi—now, that shit is the part of my job I fucking loathe. Scum. The things people say and the lengths they will go to to find a story (or make one up) are enough to send me over the edge if I think about it too much.
“I haven’t thought about any type of publicity. I’ve tried to keep us in this bubble. I guess reality was bound to slap me in the face,” she says, but she doesn’t look at me, instead eyeing the items around us with great focus. Clearly, she is avoiding my gaze. I’ll let her.
“I will do my best to keep us in this bubble. I don’t want people getting into it anyway. But ignore the tabloids at all cost. More than half the shit they put in them is a lie.”
“So avoid past tabloid stories about you too? What would be in them?” There is a hint of worry in her voice. She’s asking about my history with women without directly asking.
“They have some pictures of me that I don’t want you to see.”
“Ben, can I ask you something?” She stops abruptly and turns to look up at me.
“Always.”
“Am I safe? Health-wise?” Oh, there it is. She is a health care professional; I should have told her sooner.
“Yes. I got checked right after we met. Clean.”
“Will I always be safe?” she pushes. Wait . . .
“Sadie, I am only with you. You don’t think I would cheat, do you?”
“All men and women are capable of it, whether they set out to do it or not. You are a rock star, and I know what that means. I have also been with you, felt the way you touch me. You’re clearly . . .” She stops and looks down at her feet.
“Clearly what?” I take her chin in my hands and force her to look at me.
“You have experience. You are really good at it. Great at it. I mean, I—” She stumbles over her words, gnawing at the side of her cheek.
“Baby . . .” I pause, pulling her flush against me, her breasts pressing against my body, just below my pecs. I don’t care who’s watching. Let the world see me get close to her. I love her. She is mine. “The way I touch you is for you. I don’t remember anything before you, and all I think about is all the ways we are going to keep touching and learning each other. I love you. I don’t say that shit lightly. I don’t say it at all. Those words”—I lean in close and kiss her lips—“these hands”—I move to her cheek and kiss there—“and this cock”—I tighten my grip as I whisper the last part in her ear, taking her lobe between my teeth—“are locked up in a fucking vise by you, Sadie McCallister. No one is ever going to please me like you do.”
Her breath rushes across my cheek in a soft, nearly inaudible moan. “Ben.”
“Exactly, so ignore the tabloids, baby.” I separate us, leaving her breathless. I do this on purpose. I want her to feel my words and know that I am not one to cheat on perfection. I haven’t even had her fully and yet there hasn’t been one moment where I have wanted to fuck someone else. I don’t even glance at the women who come to my shows. This is it for me.
“I’m going to go grab some candy. Meet me at the register?” I look back at her; she stands, barely functioning.
Even though I walk away with my composure seemingly intact, I am anything but calm. That exchange left me desperate for her. I want to take her back to my place, slide her panties to the side, and have her slide her greedy cunt against my hard length. Shit. I’m meeting the parents; I need to get my head far away from that thought.
I grab a few things for later and something for Sadie she can’t say no to. Meeting her at the register, I check us out while she takes a call from her mother. I hear her telling her we’re on our way and that we lost track of time. I get all my items in the bag and walk us to the car as she ends the call. As we drive, we talk more about her clinicals and upcoming finals. Her eyes light up when she tells me about her internship with Dr. Bailer, a highly esteemed doctor.
* * *
“If they get to know me and decide they don’t like me, I still get to keep you, right?” Walking in the front door, I smell something, and my mouth salivates instantly. I haven’t had a home-cooked meal in God knows how long.
“My parents don’t hate anyone, but yes, if they don’t like you, you can keep me. I make my own decisions.” She winks at me, earning a smug smile back. So sassy. Taking my hand, she leads me into the kitchen.
“Mama, Papa, we’re here,” she announces us as we step into view. Stanley stops setting the table and faces us with a warm smile, and Raydean wipes her wet hands on the towel hanging from her apron.
“Ben, how lovely to meet you in person!” Sadie’s mom greets me first, giving me a gentle hug.
“Yes, Sadie has told us a lot about you. Come on in and have a seat. Ray is almost done with the food.” Her father shakes my hand, and he isn’t hostile, but he isn’t as warm as his wife is. I can sense him feeling me out. Let us not forget about my fucking black eye. Shit. I didn’t think up a lie to tell them.
They’re the embodiment of Southern charm, and at first, it’s off-putting. It’s not the type of setting I’m accustomed to.
“It’s nice to meet you guys. Thanks for having me over for dinner.” I follow her dad to the table while she stays back with her mom, prepping the last few things before they bring them to the table. Sadie stands barefoot, helping her mother out with a smile on her beautiful face. Looking at her brings me clarity. I want this. I want a home with her happy and smiling. But the question is, can I give her that?
I’m not cured, not even close. And no way in hell can that happen overnight, but still, I want to try for her. Sadie settles in next to me, and surprisingly my nerves slowly fade away the more we all talk.
I see instantly where Sadie’s kindness and acceptance for others comes from. With every question they ask, I sense genuine interest from both her parents. For a moment, I feel jealous over the fact that I never had this life.
My home was always peaceful when it was my mother and me alone, but it became a nightmare every time my father stepped back inside. I do my best for the rest of dinner to not wear my thoughts on my face and enjoy the small talk, paying close attention to the way they all finish one another’s sentences and the way her parents constantly beam at their pride and joy—Sadie.
“Sadie tells us you got her to sing in front of you. That’s impressive; she doesn’t even take solos in the church choir. Her mother and I are the only ones who really hear her sing.”
“She has an incredible voice, like an angel.” Blushing, she drops her head modestly. I lean in and kiss her cheek, whispering, “Beautiful” against the shell of her ear.
“You’re beautiful,” she whispers back, giving me a soft kiss on the lips. I linger in the moment until we notice the silence around us. Looking back at her parents, I see they’re both staring at us. Raydean wears a smile like Sadie’s, but Stanley looks wary. He is welcoming, but there are flashing red lights going off when he watches me with his daughter.
Sadie said I get to keep her, and her father may be the reason she needs to make that decision. He is the one I will have to win over.
“Sorry.”
“No, no, it’s fine. I’m not used to seeing Sadie in love.” Stanley looks to Raydean.
“It is new. Anyway, how about dessert? Then, Ben, I’m dying to hear you and Sadie Jay sing together.” Her mother starts to collect the plates while I stand to help Sadie with the dishes.
“Not so bad, are they?” Sadie nudges my arm. We’re alone for the first time at the kitchen sink.
“No, not at all. I really like your parents. They’re more accepting than average. Your dad may need some more of my charm, though.”
Handing me a wet plate to dry, she nods. “He’s very nice, but I think he worries about my heart,” she admits.
“I appreciate that. He and I both care about the best interests of your heart.” She blinks slowly, her cheeks rising with a soft smile.
“I think I spent so much time focusing on taking care of him and his heart when Mama was sick that he feels he owes it to me to protect mine.” She hands me another dish, and I dry it.
“Did that ever become too much for you?” I ask. We had many conversations while I was away these last couple weeks, but we never talked about what made her so inclined to be the reserved people pleaser.
“It taught me lots.” She shrugs. “Remember, it taught me true love.” She pauses, peering over her shoulder, making sure no one is there. “But it also put so much pressure on me that I felt like I could never let anyone down, especially my father. If he lost my mother, then I couldn’t ever be another reason that he had his heart broken. It was a heavy burden. But I don’t regret it.”
“Not at all?” She is doing it now, hiding what that pressure did to her so she doesn’t talk badly about her family. I want her to know she can let all her walls down and tell me everything like I did with her.
“Maybe a little. Being the only child and the sole reason for my father to stay stable and my mother to keep fighting. That’s laying the world on my fragile shoulders and asking me to carry it without faltering, isn’t it?” Her head turns, and our eyes meet.
“It is. And you aren’t a bad person for feeling this way,” I reassure her.
“Aren’t I?”
“No, you aren’t. I’m sorry that you had to go through that for so long.”
“Don’t be sorry. I’m fine now, but it feels like a huge part of my youth was taken, and I feel so guilty thinking this way. I almost lost my mom, and my dad almost did too.”
“Hey.” I reach into the soapy water and find her hand. I grip it in mine and rub soothing circles over the back of her hand. “Being a teenager and having your life molded into something you didn’t get to pick yourself isn’t fair, and you are anything but selfish for thinking that.”
She gives me a soft smile.
“Thank you. I haven’t told you this, but being with you is the first thing that I have done just for me. Being with you is showing me exactly what I want.” What a compliment—both a blessing and a weight I will carry on my shoulders.
“Maybe now you can be a little selfish, angel. Don’t be afraid to test out the things that you want. You don’t need to please everyone and take on the entire world as your mission. Do something for you for once.” I lean in and kiss her shoulder. In turn, she kisses my bicep when I stand back up to my full height. I hope she keeps doing things for herself from here on out. The world has so much to offer her, and I want to watch it from the front fucking row.
We wash the rest of the dishes in silence. I see it, the difference between us, but we are both going day by day and becoming more raw with one another. When I opened myself up to her earlier today, she had words to comfort me. Now I stand here returning the favor. I want her to know she doesn’t always need to be the fixer, the one to heal everyone’s sorrows while hers don’t have space to exist. We are navigating this newness together. Sadie and I are falling further and further into the unknown, and I wouldn’t want this with anyone else.
* * *
The action movie we decided on rolls by quickly, but my eyes stay glued on Sadie as she wraps around me like a vine, her closed eyes and slightly agape lips giving her features a delicate flawlessness. I could stare at her in this state for fucking hours, running my hands through her silky blond hair.
“Just like her mama, I tell ya.” Peering up, I look to the other side of the sectional where Ray is fast asleep against Stan’s side, his hands also playing with her hair.
“She’s a great woman, and so is Sadie—it only makes sense.” Sadie shifts with the vibrations from my voice, snuggling in deeper. Her warm, plush curves mold against me.
“When her mother got cancer, I was terrified I wouldn’t be able to even look at Sadie, let alone be around her. It was like looking at a reflection of Ray, and the thought that I would lose my wife crushed me. I didn’t know how I could look at Sadie and not break down every time.”
The way he talks about loss is so familiar. It kills you from the inside out without any way to stop it or slow it down, and all you can do is hope to survive it. Not a day since my mother was murdered have I been without her memory.
“I don’t know if you are a religious man, but we are, and I swear God helped me see it differently.” I stiffen a bit, and Sadie readjusts. I am not a religious man, I don’t even think there is a higher power, but her family clearly believes there is. Isn’t there a saying about avoiding religion and politics in conversation? I would very much like that. “If I lost Ray, Sadie Jay would be a reminder of all the things that made Ray beautiful. She wouldn’t be a reminder of what I lost but a reminder of all the great things that I shared with her mother.”
“She’s perfect, sir.” This is the truth, and I’m grateful he doesn’t press for more. I’m trying to win him over, not add another red flag to his list. I’m surprised he feels comfortable enough to share something this private, but I don’t complain.
“You love my daughter?” Faster than I can blink, he changes the subject. With a quick shift in gears, he nails me to a wall with a simple question. I love Sadie, but I debate what to say to him. I feel possessive over my feelings for Sadie. I’m not ready to share what we have with anyone but her. However, if I want to marry Sadie, I might as well tell him exactly how I feel.
“I do. She silences them.” I keep my eyes focused on the angel against me—the only belief I’ve ever had in any type of heaven, higher power, or supreme being lies wrapped around me tightly.
“Silences who?”
“The demons inside me.”
“We all have demons, son. But it’s all about the choices we make and how we handle those demons. It’s also about not using the ones we love to fix all our broken parts.” His words have the slightest snark to them. I debate saying something, but that would be strike three. Sadie has shared how she was programmed to always fix her family. If I wanted to, I could remark that this is rich coming from him, as he is one of the people who raised Sadie to carry the world on her shoulders.
“She helps them. No one can cure them. But she makes me want to find a way. It’s only taken me a matter of weeks to know she is all I want in life.” Bringing my eyes back to Stan, I let them linger with purpose. This is it, the moment where he will either accept Sadie and me for what we have or have my ass kicked to the curb.
“Son?” He picks up on what I’m saying and meets my strong gaze. “Are you trying to ask me something?”
“I want to marry Sadie. I’ve never wanted anything more than my next breath, but she is it. Can I marry your daughter, Stan?”
His face grows impassive, giving no sign of what he’s thinking. My hand in Sadie’s hair stills, and I stare down at her, no longer able to keep my eyes on him because I need her strength. She said that no matter what they say, she would choose me. In this moment, I cling to that promise. Swallowing past the very large lump in my dry throat, I press on.
“I can love her, sir. I can make her happy. I can give her what no one else can. I can give her my soul. No one will ever love her this deeply.”
Planting a kiss on her forehead, I keep my lips there, my eyes closed. My heart is full of things that I never believed I could feel, especially the gripping vise of her soul intertwined in mine. I would be dumb to walk away from Sadie just because I used to be the playboy who believed in love only being for everyone else. Fuck me, I tripped right into the arms of the most beautiful melody, someone who happens to be everything I once found foolish. Who knew it was all real? That she could be real?
A girl, her soft peace, and her pure heart. Three things I want more than the very air I breathe.
Stanley stays eerily silent; I start to think he might be gone when I look up. Eventually, I tear my eyes from Sadie to see him sitting, staring at me. Perplexed?
“I can’t say yes to that, Ben. I am a man of honor, and I do respect you for asking, but I don’t think my daughter could survive what you would do to her.” My heart drops.
My knuckles tighten into fists, and my jaw clenches tightly. He doesn’t know me, and yet, as angry as it makes me, he is right. Sadie may not be able to survive me in the darkest hours that I haunt. We sit there for a moment, not saying a word, both of us unsure of what the next move will be. Stanley breaks the tense standoff.
“You’re welcome to stay in the guest bedroom. You be a gentleman now, Ben.” With that, he leaves.
He said no without any reservations. Her father denied me. But I can’t stop. I will not let anyone tell me and Sadie what we can and can’t do. If I have to burn down buildings and wage war on the people around us in order to seal her to me for the rest of our lives, I will do it. She said she would keep me, that I would be her choice, and tomorrow I will beg at her feet to run away with me like some sort of star-crossed love affair. I always did live for the dramatics. No. I will have to prove how far I am willing to go.
After a time, I slide away from Sadie, grab the item I bought at the store earlier, and bring it back to her. I look at the object and lean in to whisper against her ear, “I will keep you forever. Against all. I will keep you. You and me.”