Nineteen
Sadie
The smell of bacon wakes me, the scent making my empty stomach growl. I open my eyes, and I’m met with Ben’s big brown eyes, fuller lips, and brown hair. His face is covered in the lightest smattering of five o’clock shadow, and it’s by far the best sight I’ve ever woken up to.
“Good morning, angel.”
“Morning, handsome. I can’t believe I crashed and slept all night.” Bringing my hands to my eyes, I yawn and wipe away the rest of my slumber. That’s when I feel something sticky scratch the skin of my eyelid.
“Ow, what the heck?” Pulling my hand away, I see a peach candy ring on my finger. “What is this? Did you put this here?” I chuckle, going to remove it when he stops me.
“Ben, what . . .” Grabbing my chin with his strong fingers, he brings his lips to mine and takes me with a deep need. He controls our kiss so effortlessly. Our tongues touch, and I become powerless under his soft yet rough touch.
Putting less than an inch between our lips, he pulls back slightly and opens his eyes. They search mine as mine search his. “Marry me, Sadie.”
“Ben . . .” I trail off, and my eyes move to look around my bedroom. My chin is still in his firm grasp. Holding it tighter, he gains my attention once more. He really must have lost his mind.
“I love you, Sadie, and I know more than anything that you were meant to be mine. You were put in my life for a fucking reason.” I can’t believe he’s talking about this again, not because it’s bothersome—it’s not—but because it’s shocking. In the beginning, I didn’t believe this version of him was possible. Now he is sitting here professing his love for me.
“Ben, it’s been two weeks. You don’t go from who you were to this . . .” I gesture at him with my eyes.
“I can. You made me want this, Sadie. You got inside of me and stirred me all up, and I want this with you.” He kisses my cheek, then my nose, then my forehead. Such a simple act, yet it feels like he’s handed me his beating heart in my hand.
“You want to marry me, don’t you, angel?” he questions.
Shocked still, I think for a second. Do I want to marry Ben? I guess it’s not a matter of want but more a question of being ready or not. I’m nineteen, he’s twenty-two; we’re young, and this is completely reckless. But my insides are all twisted up and excited. What would it be like to act on love and not stop to rationalize the millions of reasons why this could go wrong? What would it be like to give in and do something for me?
Does that make us young, naive, and careless or profoundly in love and more mature than we have ever been?
“You don’t want to?” he questions, his face drawn down with rejection.
“No, Ben. I mean yes, I want to. Don’t look so upset. I just need to think about this. What will people think? What will my parents do? What will we do?” He moves, sitting down and nestling me in his lap.
“The only question I give a fuck about is what we will do. We’ll be happy,” he states simply, as if he’s picking out what to eat for lunch. He’s serious; this is a definite decision that he’s already made.
“Ben, you tour all the time, and I have my internship for the next year and then nursing school coming up. How would we even make a marriage work?”
“We will. I don’t have the answers, but I have a feeling. Damn it, Sadie. I feel it all inside me. Let’s spend forever getting to know each other.” His poetry is convincing, and my head spins. My eyes keep looking into his as I think of any reason that this may be too rash, but I only find more reasons to fall off the edge with him.
“My parents. I don’t know what they will do.”
Ben cups my face. “You told me yesterday that no matter what, you would keep me. You said that, didn’t you?” Our eyes search one another, and I stutter.
“Y-yes, but Ben. This is marriage. You would have to pick me over anyone,” I remind him. His life as a bachelor would be over. There would only be me. I can do that, but can he?
“I don’t want to touch another fucking body ever again. I want to spend every night lost between your thighs, touching you, kissing you, tasting you. I don’t want anyone but you.” My body visibly quivers. “Yes, baby, I want to fucking ruin you for anyone else. I want to program that body to respond to only me. I want your heart to pump blood for only me.”
My breath catches, releasing on an unsteady exhale. “You have to bend and break for me, too, Ben. I want you to only exist because I am written all over your heart,” I admit. It’s the most reckless thing I have ever said.
“We can do that. Now answer me. You said you would let me keep you if they didn’t want us together, right?” I nod ever so slightly, fiddling with his shirt. “Then marry me, Sadie. Don’t make me beg. Because I am really fucking convincing.” He winks. I giggle and lightly slap his chest. “Marry me, Sadie,” he asks again, all humor now lost.
I search his eyes one more time, waiting for something to stop me, for some divine intervention to step in, but nothing happens. I only see him. I see peace. I see everything I have longed for: being in love, wild, untamed, and free. I don’t know what the outcome will be, but one thing I am sure of: he holds the key.
“I will marry you, Ben.” His eyes flutter, and he chuckles as he releases the breath he was holding.
“You will?” He brings his hands up into my hair.
“Yes. I will.” He controls my head and brings me in for a kiss that I have branded as ours, one I am convinced we invented. My eyes water, and my brows draw in tight. I have never felt more seen, more needed, more desired. I have never felt more whole than I do right now.
“Marry me today. I want to do it now.” He finally releases me, and my eyes all but pop out of my head.
“What is the rush? Ben, we just agreed to do this.”
“I want it now. There is a rush, a rush to seal you to me. I want this to start right now.” I stand, untangling myself from him. Ben tries to stop me, but I don’t let him. I have to take a minute to get my head screwed back on.
“Ben, this is crazy. You’re crazy.” I laugh. But the comment isn’t funny. Saying yes was crazy, but this would make us batshit crazy.
“I am. I warned you how I am. When I had you on my lips, I said I wouldn’t ever let you go. What makes you think I would tame that crazy down now? There is more at risk here.” The way he says that last part, I sense his fear. He is scared I won’t do this.
“Ben, I won’t change my mind.” I rush to him and straddle him again. This time, I am the one to cup his tense jaw.
“I would if I were you,” he warns me.
“You said you want me and only me. Why would you warn me?”
“Because I love you enough to tell you that you should run. Your father is right. You aren’t prepared for what it is that I could do to you if this goes wrong.”
My chest tightens. He asked my father? Wait.
“Ben, you asked him?”
Ben nods slowly, his eyes soft and sad.
“I did. He said he won’t give me his blessing. And I don’t blame him. But I won’t take no for an answer. I will have you even if that means I leave here today with you handcuffed to me until we get to the fucking courthouse. I continue to breathe every day now because of you. I am fucking crazy, Sadie, but I won’t let you go.” My head starts to spin. Ben is telling me to my face that this is wrong and we should listen to the flashing warning signs while simultaneously saying to hell with it—let’s run the tracks and see if we can beat the train heading straight toward us. It’s a contradiction, but it makes sense. How does it always make sense with him?
No one can tell us that we can’t chase this. I feel protective of him. This will be the first time I’ve ever gone against my father. My body tenses. I will let my father down, but I would choose Ben every time, over anyone, over everything, and in every world. Reckless and wild as it is, it’s true. Ben is worth losing everything I have for everything unknown. I’ve never been more excited and terrified for what’s around the corner.
“I choose you. But it may cost me, Ben. You can’t let us break.” His face lights up like a child’s.
“Angel, I won’t let you down. There is no purpose for me if you aren’t the center of it.”
* * *
My palms are sweating, my fingers visibly shaking with nervous tremors. Ben and I have decided that we will get married. The small peach candy ring stays on my finger until breakfast. We have committed to us in a way that only fools do. But I am his fool, and he’s mine.
My parents don’t know Ben, and they will most likely tell me I don’t, either, but this is something I’m not going to change my mind on. Ben and I could have a million lifetimes together or only fleeting moments where we are lost in a trance of soft touches and whispers of life’s victories and sorrows—either one would feel right. This. Us. Right now, in the moment, this feels like the most right thing I have ever done in my life.
After breakfast, Ben explains he’s got rehearsal today and quietly slips out of the house. I convinced him it would be best for me to break the news alone. It’s Saturday, and I don’t have a shift, so I can study while he’s gone and do my best to wrap my head around how we’re going to do this whole wedding thing. But first, I need to talk to my parents.
* * *
My parents are finishing cleaning up the kitchen. I enter the room, Ben’s goodbye kiss still fresh on my lips. The seconds since he left somehow feel shorter. A millisecond? Is there a time that speeds by faster? If so, the universe and I invented it together. I am terrified to tell them. I tried to catch my breath between the front door and the kitchen, but it was no use. I arrived here in the briefest time, and now I can’t turn back.
Maybe we could run? Maybe I can pack a bag, run out the door, and tell him to floor it through the fields. We will live like star-crossed lovers running from the warning signs tailing us.
No. I couldn’t do that to my parents. They would be devastated. I will take disappointment over devastation any day. With one last release of breath, I sign my death certificate. Please be okay with this , I think behind my tightly closed eyes.
“Honey? You all right?” My mother speaks first, and I open my eyes, swallowing past the lump in my throat. My mouth drops open, and I go to speak, but there’s nothing but rattled breathing.
“That son of bitch,” my father says in a low, incredulous tone. My eyes and my mother’s fly to him.
“Stan?” My mother’s eyes are drawn with worry; mine are shocked. My father rarely uses any strong language or even seems agitated, so his tense body and foul language is a first.
“I told him I wouldn’t give my blessing, and that arrogant boy didn’t listen.” My dad pushes himself from the island and starts pacing. My heart drops out of my chest, landing in a pit in my stomach.
“What? Wait, what are we even talking about right now?” My mother shakes her head, looking back and forth between my father and me.
“Ben asked me to marry him, Mama,” I whisper, one hand playing with my wedding finger, where there are still little scratches from the sugar on the peach ring. I don’t know why, but it brings me some comfort.
“Oh, honey, well.” She pauses, watching my father pace back and forth between us. His hands are making his hair a wild mess atop his head. My mother’s voice is a mix of worry and a hint of understanding. She has to get it. My parents got married after knowing each other for three months. They were us. Weren’t they?
Ben and I are young, and that plays into our need to be so consumed by one another, but it’s what my heart is craving. Ben’s name has been stitched into my heart since the night he showed up here and solidified that all my life I have never known something so cosmic and wild. That I have been missing him the entire time. We are entwined now. There is no way someone can break that connection. No one but me or Ben.
“Ray, don’t tell me you are even going to entertain the idea of her and Ben. They don’t know each other. And she has so much ahead of her. How is marrying some rock star going to work? It will ruin everything.”
“It won’t, please,” I say, but they speak over me.
“But we agreed that whatever Sadie wanted to do in life, we would let her. We should at least hear what she has to say.”
“Yes, please,” I agree.
“No way, Ray. She can’t. I won’t let her throw it all away for some boy who’s manipulated her into thinking she’s in love.”
“Dad, I am in—”
“How do you know they aren’t in love? Who decides that?” They keep talking as if I am not standing a few feet away.
“We do! Her parents! We are supposed to stop her from making stupid mistakes, Ray!”
“Ben is not a mistake!” I find my voice, tired of being talked about and not to . Tired of not being heard. I have never yelled at my parents, but God, did I need to. They both look at me, stunned silent by my sudden outburst. “I love him, Papa. Trust me, I understand you think I’m making a mistake. I can’t explain to you how much I have questioned my own sanity in the past twenty-four hours. Heck, in the past weeks since I first met him. But I love him, and I want this.” I drop my shoulders and release the longest breath, one that has been hidden in chambers behind my lungs for years.
“Sadie, you are only nineteen. You have so much ahead of you. Don’t you see that?” My dad’s sad eyes search mine, and my heart breaks. I can see how much this is hurting him.
“I do. And that doesn’t have to change. Marrying him isn’t me signing away my life and my wants.” I cross my arms over my body. I’m chilled to the bone now, shaking and consumed with a need to protect myself, to hold myself together as I brace for impact.
“But it does. Sadie, you’ll have to compromise. You have to take on his wants and dreams, and he has to take on yours. Is he willing to make sacrifices? Is he willing to mold himself into the version of him that you want?” Dropping my arms, I tighten my hands at my sides. I love Ben for who he is: damaged, flawed, broken, kind, talented, smart, and all the things I ran from my entire life.
“I don’t want him to change. He is flawed, yes, but we all are, and I choose him this way. He picked me, too, and we will work out all the trials that I’m sure will come.”
“Some things are bigger than trials, Sadie. I think right now you are seeing this relationship in a bubble, but that will pop, and then you will be left with nothing but trouble.” I shake my head. The only man in my life I have loved before Ben is now the one I want to protect my love from. My heart is broken in two.
“I am doing this. I finally want to do something for me and only me, and I’m sorry if it hurts you, but it would hurt me more to not be with him.” I choke back the tears.
My mother doesn’t hide hers; I hear her sobs and see her wiping tears away.
“All right. Then you are on your own. I can’t support this. If you are going to marry him, you are on your own.” The last tiny string that was holding the two halves of my heart together severs. My eyes begin to water, my lip trembling as I look at my mother, and she shudders.
“Stan.” She touches his shoulder, but my father stands his ground.
“She is right. This is what she wants, and if so, then she can do it all on her own.” I look to my mother once more, but she shakes her head.
“Honey, how about we take a minute?”
“No, Mama, it’s fine.” I stop her. Papa is right; Ben and I knew the risk going in. I don’t hold back the tears. Rain starts to hit the window. Isn’t that comical? The weather looks like the tragic scene in every movie you’ve ever seen. It pelts loudly, picking up with each passing minute that I stand here in silence.
“I love you both, and yes, this isn’t like me. I know you’re upset, but I love him, and I want this with him. For me. For us.” I hesitate for a moment longer.
“Baby, we love you. We just want you to think this through.” Mama speaks so softly.
“I did. I want him,” I whisper, seeing his brown eyes in my head. I feel his kisses all over my skin. Hear him whispering those sweet words of love and praise. The way he adores me. It is my talisman, and I cling tightly to it.
“Then leave. If you are old enough to get married and make your own choices, you can leave,” my father bites out, but there is no missing the way his lip slowly trembles behind his tough facade.
“Stan. Don’t, please.” Wanting to spare my mother another blow of heartache, I put on the brave face I always have, shake my head, and walk up to her.
“I love you, Mama.” I wrap my arms tightly around her, sending everything I have in me into her. When I walk out that door, it will create a line in the sand, the first divide of our family.
Moments pass, and I finally let go and wipe away her tears. “I’ll be okay,” I tell her.
I look over at my father, but he keeps his head low and tilted slightly in the opposite direction, avoiding eye contact. Another shot to the soul. I back up slowly and leave the kitchen. I grab my purse, my keys, and the small bag I packed before Ben left. I open the door, and the sound is deafening, as is my mother’s crying and her soft whispers asking my father to go after me and make this right. Taking one last breath, I step out, shut the door behind me, and make my way down the patio stairs. The rain starts to hammer down on me, and I’m drenched in seconds. I look up at the sky, and my tears mingle with the rain. The perfect daughter has created the biggest disaster in her family. The woman who learned to never let anyone down has single-handedly broken the two most important hearts she’s ever known.
And now, I will run to him. I will fall into his arms and pray that he doesn’t prove them right and me wrong. Dad is right: marriage calls for sacrifices, and I’ve taken the first step. I sacrificed my parents’ approval and support to leap into my relationship with Ben headfirst.