Twenty
Ben
Leaving Sadie’s house after we packed her a small bag is both terrifying and relieving. I’ve spent my entire life believing and preaching that love is a con, that the world lied to us, and now I am eating my own words. But each moment I spend with Sadie makes me realize that I don’t want anything or anyone like I do her. She’s my lifeline, the pulse in my chest, the blood rushing through my veins. If I don’t have her, I will be as good as dead. I’m tortured in the best way by her. Sadie makes me believe that I have good left in me. That I can breathe and let my walls crumble when she is around. In the quiet nights since I have known her, when the world is asleep, my brain has searched and searched for reasons that I should end this. Reasons to run. To ruin it. To sabotage the one good thing I have let myself have—not just good, but life-altering. Sadie is a miracle that I can touch. She’s sonnets and poems and the lyrics that I wish I could write, but I fall short every time because no words created since the beginning of time can describe Sadie. She is what life is meant to be lived for. I would be a fool to let that slip through my fingers.
I told Sadie I’d asked her father for her hand because I didn’t want to lie to her. I want to honor Sadie. As I drive home, I replay all the wrongs I have done in my life, and the list is longer than the things I got right. All those demons I have—the ones that linger in my shadow and come out in my lowest moments—are things I will have to fix. I can desire to be the man she wants, but desire is just a wish without action.
I will have to fight to be worthy of keeping her. I have to do everything that I have been trained and programmed not to do. Love. Open parts of me I shielded from the world. All for her. If not, I could ruin her, and to ruin her would be to murder both our souls. Two graves and one gun, and I would be the one who pulled the trigger.
Sitting in my living room, I wait for Nick to walk in. I called him and said it was an emergency then hung up. That will get him here.
“You better be fucking bleeding out to hang up and then ignore my calls,” he announces, swinging open the door.
“You’re here. Good. I need a favor.” I stand, and he looks at me incredulously, hands on his hips. He looks like a disappointed parent.
“You’re not bleeding out, so I guess I need to beat your ass. You gave me a fucking heart attack, Ben.”
I smile at him. “Hold on, because I might actually give you one in a second.”
He tilts his head and shakes it at me. “Ben, what the fuck did you do?”
I grab my laptop and hand it to him. “I need you to find someone who is ordained and somewhere that can marry Sadie and me.”
“What!” Nick’s eyes are practically bulging out of his head.
“Yes, oh, and we want to do it in the next two hours or so. Thanks, man.” I hand him the computer, but he stays stock-still, shock etched on his face.
“Are you fucking on something? Is this a joke? Does Sadie even know about this?”
I head to my bedroom down the hall and look for the suit I wore to a friend’s wedding a few months back.
“She does. And we are doing it today!” I yell from inside my closet. He finally sets into motion, and I hear each boot-clad step he takes down the wooden hallway into my bedroom.
“This isn’t right. Holy fuck. I leave you alone for less than a day, and now you want to get married. You need to stop and think about this.” He sets the computer down and puts his hand on my chest, stopping me from laying the suit on the bed.
“Nick. I am not going to listen to anyone. You, her dad, anyone who wants to object isn’t going to stop us. So you can help me as not only my employee but my best fucking friend, or she and I will do it without any of you.” My jaw clenches.
“Fucking hell,” he groans after a minute.
“Good. Now find me someone who is ordained. We can do the legal license as well.”
“Are you kidding? You know that takes days, right?” he tells me, opening the laptop again.
“Fine, we will have a ceremony, and when the license comes, we’ll sign it then.”
“I am aging every fucking day at a rapid rate because of you, man,” he grumbles.
“Good. Aging looks nice on you, buddy. Don’t complain.” I pat his shoulder and go to grab more things. Nick does as I ask, and once we get everything I need, I pace like a madman. I haven’t heard from Sadie in almost an hour, and she told me she would call when it was good. How long is it going to be until it’s good, and what does good even mean?
Shit. It isn’t good. Good would mean I’d heard from her by now. I go to grab my phone off the counter when there is a knock on my door. I rush across my apartment and open the door.
Standing there, rain-soaked, is Sadie with tears in her eyes. Her body is trembling, and not an ounce of her is dry.
“Baby, what the hell. Come here.” I reach for her and pull her into me and the apartment.
“I couldn’t b-bring myself to come in yet, so I st-stayed out in the rain for a minute,” she stutters, her chattering teeth loud. Nick rushes to my thermostat and turns up the heat.
“Fuck, you’re going to get sick. Come on.” I pick her up and carry us to my bathroom. I turn on the shower, shut and lock the door, and leave the bathroom fan off. The steam billows up around us as I strip her down to nothing. I’ve seen parts of her, so many, but never all of her completely naked. Once she is bare to me, I strip down as well. She wraps her arms around herself tighter, still chilled to the bone.
“Take a shower with me?” I ask for her permission. My hands cup her face, and the pads of my calloused thumbs run along the cheeks of the woman I love. Her nod is so subtle I almost don’t catch it. I step in first before reaching out and taking her freezing, delicate hand in mine. I help her in, bringing her flush against my skin.
Never have two bodies felt more perfect together. We mold to one another in an unlearned and unrehearsed dance. We are so close that no amount of water or even air could pass between us. That’s when I feel it. The hard thrumming against my chest. Sadie is sobbing. Her breathing is bereft, and it’s everything I need to know. She picked me. The greater part of me feels guilty about this, but that selfish man—he closes his eyes tightly and thanks whatever power is out there that she chose me.
“Breathe, angel. Breathe,” I whisper against her temple, peppering it with soft open-mouthed kisses.
“You should have seen his face. He was so hurt. I did that. I caused him that hurt,” she cries, tightening herself around me. Inhaling, I get ready to say something I might regret.
“Sadie, we can wait. You don’t have to do this. You know that. I can wait for us.” Her head leaves my chest, and she looks up at me, her face tear-stained and red from the cold outside and the heat of the shower. Her bright blue orbs pierce through me, and it hurts to see that pain. I caused it. All of this. All because I wanted to make her mine and not give her the chance to run.
“No, Ben, no. I choose us. I choose you. You can’t leave us,” she says frantically, clawing at my back and trying to bring me closer. Fuck. I’m really doing a great job of making her feel better. Bang-up job, buddy.
“I won’t. I’m sorry. I just wanted to let you know I will respect what you want, and I don’t want you to lose them so we can get married,” I tell her. She shakes her head.
“This is the first time I’ve let my parents down. The most important people. I never wanted to be that person, but this is the first time I am doing something I want. For me. I guess I don’t know how to come to terms with it. But I love you, Ben. I want us.”
She repeats those words over and over. I want . I want . I want . She wants me. Leaning in, I kiss her, taking that soft, angelic face in my hands, and I taste the want. Our tongues dance, and this kiss, this is ours. We invented it, and we’ve perfected it to be something that only we will ever have, know, or crave.
“Make it stop. Make it all go quiet,” she cries against my lips, and I know exactly what she wants. What she needs. I slowly walk her back to the bench in the shower, and when her legs hit the marble, I guide her down. I tower over her. How beautiful she looks when she is broken, and how twisted of me to love it. I will fix that pain. I will calm her worries as she settles my chaos. I take her chin between my thumb and pointer finger, lifting her head slowly. Her eyes peruse my body, taking in every inch of defined muscle, each piece of ink, even some of the scars I’ve won in my fights.
“I will always heal what I broke. You know that, right?” I tell her, and she nods ever so slightly.
“You have to,” she whispers, swallowing deeply. Her eyes look over all the parts of me that she can see from the position I have her locked in.
“What are you thinking, angel?”
A tear slowly sneaks out of the corner of her eye and mingles with the water droplets from the shower. She sniffles.
“How beautiful you are. And how much I love you.”
“You shouldn’t tell me those things. I won’t let you forget it. I will use it.”
“Then do it. Use me.”
“I don’t want to use you right now, baby. I want to heal you.” I run my thumb over her plump lips. These lips are all mine. Every inch of her is branded by me, and I can’t wait to explore her pleasure. Explore the creature crafted just for me.
“Give me your hand,” I tell her. Without hesitating, she does what I ask. Her long, slender fingers land in my palm, and I bring them to my lips then place her hand on my heart. I bend, my lips within inches of hers, the water that soaks my hair now dripping onto her face and chest.
“You have a grip on my heart. You have no idea how much it hurts me and soothes me all at once. It’s us two now.” Her breath catches, and she starts crying again, but this time it is in desperation.
“Please, please, please,” she begs me, and I oblige.
“Keep your eyes on me.” I drop to one knee and lay my hand against her ankle. I look back up: her lip is caught between her teeth, and her eyes have glazed over, the tears fading and lust replacing them. I slyly smirk up at her; my angel is fucking ravishing.
Goose bumps arise as I move my hand inch by inch over her shin and up the side of her calf and thigh.
“Spread your legs for me, angel.” She does as I ask, her trembling knees parting. “Such a good girl. You’re beautiful, you know that?” She doesn’t respond, and I tut at her before dropping my head and nipping her thigh.
“Ow! Oh God. Yes.”
“You know how many men would kill for the chance to touch you?”
She shakes her head back and forth slowly.
“The entire world, and I thank God they will never get the chance. I don’t have enough time on my hands to end them all. I’d much rather spend that time between here.” I bend, my head slightly tilted as I peer up at her. My lips kiss the top of her slit, and she thrusts forward.
“Ben!” The way she moans my name. My name. Her lips. I move back down to her inner thigh, and that’s when the idea hits me. I start to lick, bite, and then suck. The entire time I do this, Sadie circles her hips, searching for relief.
Each time I move even slightly, I admire my work. I mark her in the most vulgar way. B. E. N. My name left on her inner thigh in hickeys.
“Look how beautiful that looks.” I sit back. She is breathing heavily and staring at me, confused.
“W-what?” She looks down and sees what I did, and she, too, admires it, her nipples calling to me. They are peaked and a rosy shade against her skin. I lean in and take one between my teeth.
“Oh!” she cries, her head falling back against the shower wall. I flick at the puckered tip and heal it after each bite. Her hands skate to my hair and grip it tightly.
“Pull hard and hold tight, angel. I want to make this feel really good,” I whisper against the skin between her breasts, above her heart.
“Please,” she whines. Taking the pad of my thumb, I rub it in soft circles over her slit, and she shivers again.
“Beautiful. So fucking beautiful,” I tell her. This time she agrees with a nod of her head. “You know how I taught you to play with your clit and use your fingers inside?”
“Mm-hmm.”
“You are such a good girl. Responsive. And God, do you take instructions so well.”
“B-Ben,” she stammers.
“Good.” I circle her clit with my thumb a few times, and her moaning fills the bathroom along with the steam from the hot water. A new wave of arousal spreads between her legs; if I circle it one more time, she will come apart in my hands, and I am not ready for that.
Moving down a little, I insert the tip of my middle finger. She’s so fucking tight.
“Shit,” I growl. Sadie adjusts a bit as I go the slightest bit deeper. “Is that okay?”
“Yes, it just feels different. But it’s good different.” I can’t wait to show her the real difference.
“Good. Now, eyes on me. You look at me while I do this,” I tell her.
“I would do anything for you.” I use my free hand and cup the side of her cheek and the top of her neck, her ear sliding between my long fingers. “Such a good girl. Breathe in, real deep.” She takes a deep breath, and when her chest rises to the hilt, I slide my finger all the way inside, curving up and finding that spot deep inside.
“Oh God! God! Ben!” She screams my name, and I swallow it with a messy kiss. I add pressure on her clit with my thumb, working both my thumb and finger to bring her close to the edge. She’s warm, tight, and I want to be inside her then. I want to slide my finger from her and claim her. Slide my cock into her snug pussy and take her innocence.
“Ben, I think I am going to—”
“Ben, we have to get going! The officiant gave me a time.” My entire body turns hotter than the water coming from the showerhead. Did Nick interrupt us? Fuck. I put my finger to her lips and mouth for her to be quiet. She does as she’s told, and I keep finger-fucking her, making sure she gets to feel pleasure after everything today. My plan is to erase everything from her mind, everything but me.
Her brows are drawn in a pleasurable, tortured pain that shadows the contours of her face.
“We will be right out! Give us a minute,” I holler over the water, working Sadie harder, and in seconds she detonates. I hurry to cup her mouth and stifle her sighs.
“Just like that, shh, ride it out for me.” I coach her through the orgasm. Her core tightens and releases over and over again on my finger, and that death grip will end me. Sadie has me by the heart, throat, and fucking cock. I am at her mercy and will bend to her will.
“I love you, Ben.” I will never get tired of her declaring her love for me. It is something I could listen to day in and day out.
“I love you,” I tell her back, kissing her through her post-orgasm bliss. “Let me go get us some clothes before we go out there, all right?” She nods.
“I need to call Kate,” she adds.
“I will have Nick give her a call. You wait here for me.” I help her out of the shower and wrap her in a towel. I kiss the skin of her shoulders, then reluctantly I leave her. With a towel around my waist, I take our clothes from the bathroom and step into the living room.
“She all right?” Nick asks, and I give him a nod.
“She is. Hey, can you call Kate? She wants her to come here to talk.”
“Sure can. But we only have an hour before we have to be at the courthouse. The rain is supposed to stop for three o’clock. Try to hurry.” I raise my hand in understanding.
Every time we bring up Kate, Nick’s energy shifts. After the first few times it happened, I realized what it was. He likes her. But she is with Eric, and I don’t see that changing anytime soon. I want to ask him about it, but he will deny it. Nick doesn’t talk about anything unless he feels it is necessary.
Nick is a man of few words and doesn’t lean too heavily on anyone. Given his upbringing, it makes sense. I envy the type of man he is even though he had a troubled past. Nick is controlled. Grounded. Centered. All the things I hope I can achieve. That’s what my music is for. The therapy. The medication. My on-again, off-again relationship with AA meetings. It all has to get me somewhere. Right?
With Sadie, I’m confident I can. I only hope my brain and heart will catch up with one another so I can be a man of my words. I start the washer and head back to my room, hearing him on the phone with Kate as I go. Nick’s got it handled.
I throw on some gray sweatpants and a black V-neck shirt. I grab another pair of sweats and one of my band tees and make my way back to the bathroom. Opening the door, I see Sadie seated on the lip of the bathtub beside the shower. Her hands are in her lap, and she nervously picks at them; she is teary-eyed again, and I debate asking her what I can do, but maybe the best thing I can do right now is let her feel and tell me when she is ready to talk about it.
“Nick called Kate; from what I could hear she is on her way. Let’s get you in some warm clothes. We don’t have much time before the ceremony,” I tell her. Her soft blue eyes travel to me, and she gives me a half smile.
“Thank you.” Sadie is shutting down again. I felt her opening to me in the shower, but in the moment I left her alone, she’s built up a wall. I have done many things in life that made me feel this low, but letting her down can’t be one of them. To see how much this is hurting her only makes me want to call this all off. Does she really want this, or is she clinging to me because she is feeling pushed out? Is it because she feels I’m all she has now? Her parents will come around. And if they don’t, I will make them. Sadie broke one of her most sacred values—letting her parents down. Who knew falling in love could be such a letdown? But she did that for me, and I will make sure that she doesn’t regret it. Part of that? Getting her parents to come around.
I won’t let Sadie lose everything because of me. My mom lost everything because of me. I can’t let that happen to another woman I love.
“Can I dress you?” I ask her, taking her hand and helping her stand.
“Yes.” Her voice is raspy and low. Setting the clothes on the counter, I take the sweatpants first. Dropping to my haunches, I let her lead. She lifts one leg, and I slide the material over her foot, repeating the action with the second foot. She holds herself up on my shoulders. I admire the smooth skin of her legs with each inch that I cover. When the pants are around her waist, I tighten them.
“Good thing my ass is big enough to keep these up.” She laughs, and I shake my head with a smile.
“I have no complaints.” I love Sadie’s large breasts, round stomach, and full, curved ass, winding roads that all lead to perfect destinations.
“Of course you wouldn’t.” There is a little more lightness in her voice this time. Keep her comfortable. Take care of her . That’s what she needs , I tell myself.
“Sadie!” Kate’s voice comes bellowing through the apartment.
“That was fast. I forgot that she only lives a couple minutes away.” Sadie chuckles.
“You think she is going to wring my neck?” I ask, standing and helping Sadie put my shirt on.
“I wouldn’t rule it out.” She shrugs.
“Great. Well, here we go.” I am more worried about Kate’s response then I was her parents. Why? Because Kate is demanding and unafraid to prove her point and go for the jugular. Sadie’s parents don’t seem like the kind to do that. I need to see if Sadie is more afraid of disappointment or anger.
“She’s going to think we’re crazy,” Sadie whispers. I place my palm against her cheek and bend to place my forehead against hers.
“Then let’s give the world hell,” I tell her.
Her eyes close, and she smiles. “You’re a professional.”
I shrug. “Yep. Come on.” I kiss her once on the lips before taking her hand and going to the living room. Here we go.