Twenty-six
Ben
Sound check finished early, but I stay behind alone. After my fight with Sadie, which was my fucking fault, I need a minute. I don’t know what possessed me—other than the drugs and alcohol—to say what I did to her. She’s not a prude. Our sex life is fucking phenomenal, and I don’t want anyone else. Simply put, I’m a fucking prick.
Sitting center stage, I strum a few chords on my guitar, my cheek resting against the body. My hands move across the strings effortlessly, and Sadie’s song finds its way out. I sing it over and over again, wanting it to be perfect for tonight when I sing it to her for the first time.
If this shit doesn’t make her forgive me, I don’t know what will, because in the time we have been together, I have said sorry for my poor behavior on multiple occasions, and those apologies are becoming meaningless. I need something grand to get her to listen to me.
My fingers change from Sadie’s song to my mother’s. The acoustic sound of “Amazing Grace” echoes in the venue, carrying out over the empty chairs. She would sing me to sleep with this song when I was little, and it was the first song I ever learned to play on the piano.
The chords sound peaceful, and I feel isolated in my own safe space, as if the entire room has gone dark. Keeping my chin resting on the guitar, I swear I can see my mother sitting front row center wearing her favorite blue dress, smiling up at me with her big brown eyes glistening with pride.
What I wouldn’t give for her to be here right now to help set me straight. An image of Sadie standing next to my mother consumes my mind, and it shatters me. I keep playing, the melody slowing as I let a few tears travel down my cheeks and onto the body of my guitar.
Sadie is the only good thing left in my life, and if I don’t make this right, I will lose her. That loss would be as hard as, if not harder than, when I lost my mother. Sadie means that fucking much to me.
“Ben, baby?” Looking up into the audience, it’s as if I’m dreaming. There Sadie stands, peering up at me with her face drawn down in remorse. I don’t answer; instead, I place my chin back down and keep my eyes on her, finishing the last of the song.
She watches me as I watch her. I’m no longer crying, but she is, taking on my pain for me. “Hey,” I croak out, my voice thick.
“Your mom?” she questions, moving up the stairs at the side of the stage. “You don’t have to do this to yourself anymore, Ben.” Taking the guitar from me, she places it on the bench of the piano. I wish it were as simple as she makes it sound.
“It’s never that easy, Sadie. I’m not that easy.” She looks beautiful in one of our band tees and a pair of skinny jeans. Her hair is hidden under a baseball cap, and she’s not wearing makeup.
“We can find another way to help you cope. We can see another doctor if you want. Please understand what this is doing to us, and more importantly, what it’s doing to you.” I keep my hands in my lap and my eyes down, poking and prodding at my jeans.
“You’re right.” The thought of seeing another therapist and opening fresh wounds is enough to make my stomach turn. It brings me back to those two years I was in foster care. I sat in rooms with state therapist after state therapist, and all they did was nod their heads and hand me pills.
“Ben, I can only do so much. We are only a couple months into our relationship, and this is starting to happen more and more. I can tell you’re upset. I have no doubt that you don’t do this to hurt me, but it is hurting me, and what’s worse is you’re hurting yourself.”
“You’re right,” I repeat. I can’t defend myself anymore. All I can do is learn to control my temper and not say stupid shit when I’m fucked up—if that’s even possible. “I’m sorry, and I’ll get better, I promise.” Finally, I touch her, my hands moving up her legs, ending under the curve of her ass.
“Ben, something has to give. I’m starting to drown here, and I want to make this work. Please start letting me in instead of pushing me out.” I nod, thankful that she’s here offering herself up on a platter for me. Her willingness to be my keeper and my own personal form of therapy is astounding after what I said to her last night.
Sadie is not weak, and she’s not submissive. The way she behaves with me shows strength in multitudes; she is a fighter.
“You’re way too good to me.” Leaning forward, I kiss her stomach, resting my forehead there. Her hands massage my shoulders up my neck then into my hair.
“It’s because I love you.”
“And I love you, angel.” Once again, she lets this one slide. I don’t know how I got so lucky, but I can’t keep doing this to her. To us. To me.
* * *
“Boston, you fucking killed it tonight!” The crowd roars to life, and the house lights come on over the sold-out show. “Tonight has been amazing! You’re one of the best crowds we’ve seen. But before we go tonight, I wanna slow things down and play you an exclusive song that I wrote for our new album.” I take a seat, and Nick brings me my guitar. I adjust the mic stand. The crowd yells out an array of whistles, screams, and declarations of love.
“I love you guys.” I laugh. “So, as many of you know, I recently got married to my beautiful wife, Sadie. She’s right over there, take a look at her.” I point to side stage, where she stands next to Nick, and the crowd hollers. She shakes her head at me as a blush creeps across her cheeks.
“That little thing knocked me on my ass, and I haven’t been the same since. So I wrote this song for you, baby. I hope you like it.” The lights dim for a second. I play the first notes, and the blue light that matches her eyes comes on and shines down on me and the guitar as I start to sing.
You were unexpected
Like a freight train into my heart.
Unpredicted, coming into my world
Breaking it all apart.
I never had much faith in believing,
But you came in. Changed my every meaning.
I peer at her, at those blue eyes filled with tears, those high cheeks rounding with her smile. She holds a hand over her heart, and I feel the same heartbeat that I feel against my chest every night when she lies across my bare chest.
You’re my heartbeat, my everything and more.
You took my love and
made me beg on my knees at your door.
I never wanted you, but then I found you, and that changed it all.
You’re my religion, my hope, and baby, please catch me as I fall.
Maybe it’s those baby blues,
or that sweet Southern style.
Or, baby, it’s that sassy little way about you,
that perfect, delicate smile.
I know I’ve got my demons and I’m broken inside,
but here in this moment, I’m better by your side.
You’re my heartbeat, my everything and more.
You took my love and made me beg on my knees at your door.
I never wanted you, but then I found you, and that changed it all.
You’re my religion, my hope, and baby, please catch me as I fall.
I keep repeating the chorus, and each time I do, the fight slips away. The song ends, and the crowd goes wild. The boys and I take a bow, and I grab my blazer, throwing it on over my sweaty bare back.
“Night, Boston! Thank you!” The lights dim, and I head offstage. I put my hands on Sadie, and the sparks ignite. Her hands roam my chest as our lips lock, and we taste each other. I moan and pull away, looking back to find Nick.
Sadie loses my lips but finds my neck, sucking and leaving kisses against my throat.
“Nick!” He comes walking over after I yell his name. Without removing my hands from her ass, I give him a knowing look.
“What’s up?”
Sadie pulls away and hides her face in embarrassment, but I have zero shame.
“Get us a hotel, now,” I demand, and he nods, pulling out his phone and walking away from us again.
“You make me crazy. That was beautiful,” Sadie whispers the second he disappears. Her body is alive, her nipples grazing my chest, her hands touching me all over, her cheeks flushed.
“I thought you’d like that.”
“I loved it. I don’t understand how it’s possible to love someone as deeply as I love you.”
“I don’t know either, angel, but it’s real, and I will fight for this to work.”
“You’re worth it.” Thank hell, she believes that still.