Twenty-seven
Sadie
“You think he’ll like this?”
“A cherry oak Fender T-Bucket 300CE guitar? Yeah, Sade, I think he will.” Nick and I are in a local guitar shop in South Carolina. Ben has a photo shoot with the band, so we took the chance to sneak away and grab him a gift for his birthday tomorrow. The summer has flown by, and I have only a few days left on tour before I go home to gear up for my internship.
“I was thinking of engraving it with our wedding date. Then I was going to get the strap embroidered with his mama’s name.” Nick’s eyes stay on the guitar. He nods without saying anything.
“What?” I nudge his shoulder.
“Nothing.”
“Come on, tell me. Is it a bad idea? You think he’ll get upset?”
“No, no. It’s—I’m shocked he’s told you so much about his mom. He doesn’t usually talk about Grace.”
“He told me not many people know.” I start walking, looking at all my options, just in case. This has to be his best gift ever.
“I barely even know anything. He told me about his dad and the beatings, about him killing her, but other than that he’s been tight-lipped about it,” Nick tells me.
“It’s therapy he doesn’t want to talk to me about.” I smile at the other customers as I pass.
“He won’t. Whenever he does, that’s when he seems to drown himself in booze. He has a very dark side, Sadie.”
“Are you trying to warn me or inform me?” I’m not sure where this is going. He, out of anyone, knows that Ben and I are having more lows than highs lately. Haven’t I seen him at his worst? It can’t possibly get any worse than it is now.
“Both. Listen, you’re the greatest thing to happen to Ben since I’ve known him, but he has a side of him that you haven’t really tapped into, and I hope you understand that. Be patient with him, and hopefully when he’s ready he will let you in and the help he is getting will work.”
“You think he’ll get there?” I appreciate his honesty, but Ben and I are very fragile right now. This isn’t helping.
“Maybe. With you, I think he’ll do whatever he can to make this work.”
“You’re good to him. So good.”
“He’s like a son to me, and even though I don’t agree with half the things he does, I love him, and the choice he made to marry you is the one thing I support more than anything.” I welcome the compliment from this six-foot, burly man. I adore him, and knowing Ben has him after the shitty life he had before makes me hopeful for Ben’s future. Maybe both of us can help him stop running from his past and face his future.
I want to give Ben a home, a family, a safe place where he never has to feel unloved, hurt, or alone, but he needs to be willing to lay down his cards and hold up his end of the bargain.
“Thank you.” Giving him a hug, I relax enough to focus on the task at hand—Ben’s birthday.
“All right, let’s get him this guitar and go. I’m excited to see his face.” I change the subject. Today I’m not going to think about everything that’s wrong in our marriage but rather the things that are right.
* * *
Today is Ben’s birthday, and the boys throw him a tailgate party before the concert. The guitar is hidden in Nick’s bunk, and I plan to give it to him when we are alone later tonight.
I feel sick toward the end of the party, so I sneak away to get some rest during the show. I should have known that wouldn’t be the best idea, with the alcohol and drugs the boys always consume during my absence.
When I wake up, he is someone different.
Sneaking back into the venue through the back entrance, I head toward the meet and greet, wanting to be here for some of the night and not totally leave him hanging on such a special day.
“Hey, Nick.”
“Oh fuck, hey, Sadie. I didn’t know you were coming.” He blocks Ben from my view, and I step back a little.
“Well, I’m feeling better, and I wanted to come see him. What’s going on?” I attempt to move around Nick, but he stops me, grabbing my shoulders and holding me in place.
“Listen, it’s just his meet and greet. Why don’t you go rest and make sure you’re one hundred percent better?” I glare up at him; he’s doing a terrible job of hiding whatever it is he doesn’t want me to see. I step aside again, clearing him before he can stop me.
I stop dead in my tracks as I watch Ben sniff cocaine off the bar top in the back area. One of his fans laughs, and I nearly lose my dinner.
My knees buckle, but before I fall, Nick catches me under my arms. Knowing Ben does drugs is one thing, but seeing it out there in the open, so raw, is another.
Ben hasn’t noticed me, and I’m glad because I feel like I’m losing myself.
This is what I imagine a heart attack feels like: there is a strong grip on my heart, like it is actually being broken in two. Gaining my equilibrium, I snap back into the moment and go into fight or flight. I push Nick off and make a run for the bus.
The night air hits my skin the second I clear the door, and the breeze slightly cools my heated skin. I have no time to think about anything; my flight reflex is fully engaged, and all I can think about is calling a cab and getting a red-eye back to Portland.
Climbing on the bus, I pack whatever’s in sight, dumping it all into my suitcase with no method. Picking up my phone, I dial Kate, realizing anew that I can’t call my parents. Maybe I was right all along and I’m not meant to be a rock star’s wife. This isn’t the life I wanted, but I signed up for it. How naive of me to think I could help him.
“Hey, Sadie Jay!”
“Kate, I need you. Please find me a flight home to Portland,” I cry into the phone, moving around the bus on autopilot, feeling completely out of my body.
“Oh my god, Sadie, what’s wrong?”
“Nothing, Kate! Just please get me a flight and send me the flight information. I’m in South Carolina—fly me out of Charleston International.”
“Okay, okay. I’m doing that now. Call me when you get to the airport, but, Sadie?” She pauses.
“What?”
“Tell me you’re okay?”
“I’m fine. Please help me.”
“Okay, I’m on it.” Ending the call, I find the number for a taxi and wait for them to show up. When the taxi pulls up a few minutes later, I see Nick running toward me.
“Sadie! Damn it, don’t run!” I throw my bags in the taxi and slam the trunk.
“I don’t have a choice, Nick.”
“We can help him together. We can do it, I promise, but you can’t give up on him.”
Opening the door of the cab and climbing inside, I turn on him.
“Don’t make excuses for him. He has choices, and he makes the ones that hurt him the most. The ones that hurt me.”
“Sade, I’m telling you it’s not that simple.”
“Stop defending him! I can’t stay here, Nick. We rushed this, all of this.”
Trying to stop me, he grabs the taxi door before I can close it. “This is going to set him off. He’s going to go off the rails.”
“I can’t feel guilty about that. He’s already fallen off. He promised me repeatedly that he would try to work on this. He hasn’t.” My words render him speechless. Nodding his head in defeat, he lets the door go, and I tell the cab driver to leave.
It isn’t until I’m at the airport that my phone starts blowing up with calls and messages from Ben, that I realize everything that is happening. Ben is an addict. He can’t simply change for me; he needs more than that. My leaving isn’t to prove to him that I am serious; it is for me. I need to do it because I don’t know where my place is in Ben’s life. He may do therapy and take medication, but there is a place deep inside him that is shut, and he is refusing to unlock his hurt in order to heal.
It’s blindingly obvious how young we are, even in how I’m choosing to handle this. Running—it’s all I can think to do. I’ve never been in love before, let alone with a man who can be my best friend and a stranger all at once.
I do everything in my power to restrain myself from looking at the messages he’s sending me. Now what do I do? Does going home mean it’s over for Ben and me? I can’t tell my parents; it would kill my father to know I let my life get this dark.
What about Ben? He comes home this Friday, and that’s only two days away. We share an apartment—we’re going to have to face each other sooner rather than later. What has my life become? A few months ago, I was in bliss, and now I’m spiraling down a rabbit hole of hows, whys, and what-ifs.
There is no right answer, no magic solution to fix my problems—I believe I’m a lost cause. My heart is broken. I am breaking in this marriage.