Thirty-two
Ben
Sadie didn’t deserve seeing the darkest version of me last night. The rage I showed was so out of line, even I want to beat the shit out of myself. What’s worse, I don’t know how to take her decision to come on tour with me. Making her give up her internship, which promises her a full-time job and a gold star on her nursing school application, may be the thing I feel most guilty over.
She works tirelessly and puts so much into us, but I’m selfish. For her to focus only on me—that is something I hate to admit I want more than my next fucking breath. I can’t overcome my past and my addictions without her by my side—I can’t.
Outside, on our balcony, I take a drag of my cigarette while she packs her bags for the next three-month leg of our tour. I’ll admit, even with the guilt and the hard shit we’re going to face the next few months, I find comfort in knowing I’ll have her by my side. But will it ever be enough? Will it ever stick? The treatment? The healing? The will to be better?
Putting the bud out in my ashtray, I step back in and head toward the bedroom. I hear the faint sounds of Sadie sniffling, and I halt outside our bedroom.
“Yes, I know that I won’t be able to get the internship back.” My heart beats out of my chest. Fuck, I knew this would hurt her. “I understand, Dr. Bailer. Thank you so much for this opportunity. Yes, thank you. Okay, bye.” She hangs up, and I peek my head around the door. I watch as she drops her head into her hands and sobs. I think about going in there and comforting her, but the second my feet set into motion, the phone in her hand rings. Releasing a deep breath, she answers.
“Hey, Mama.” I hear the faint sound of her mother’s concerned voice on the other end of the line.
“I know, Mama, but I have to do this. He needs me, and I need him.” She pauses. “No, please, this is what I have to do. I can’t sacrifice us. No—stop, Mama. I can’t talk about it. My mind is made up, and it’s done with. I’m leaving with him.”
I want to know what her mother is saying, but from what I hear, I can guess. Well, I almost made it to their good side.
“I can find another internship when he’s sober. He can’t walk away from the band; the industry is hard to get into. Can you and Papa respect that—for me?” I don’t blame them—shit, I don’t fucking respect myself for letting her do this. I can’t believe I even got bad enough for her to need to do it.
“Papa, marriage is supposed to last forever. What we have means more than anything. You and Mama have to let me do this.”
Her parents must really think I’m the scum of the earth, and honestly, I think so too. I don’t deserve Sadie. My touch is dangerous, my love is poisonous, and Sadie could do so much better than me, but how do I even begin to try letting her go? The thought of losing her makes me murderous. I wouldn’t be able to walk this earth if another man had her after I’ve touched her. I can’t survive without her.
“Yes, Papa, and that’s why you need to let me do this. I want to have a happy life with him, and if I walk away now and don’t fight, I may regret it more than anything else in my life.”
Sadie may be doing this to save me, but I’m doing this to keep her. The selfless loves the selfish.
“I will call you and FaceTime you on the road. I’ll be back once a month with Ben to visit. I love you guys.” They share goodbyes, and the second she ends the call, she cries again. She’s giving up her aspirations, her family, her friends, and so much of herself to come with me—how can she even stand the sight of me?
I don’t walk in when she’s crying, deciding to make it easier on her. Approaching her when she’s like this will only make her put her feelings aside and tend to mine. She will feel guilty and explain away her tears, thinking I need it. I don’t need her to do anything else for me; she’s already done way too much. Eventually, she stops crying before disappearing into our bathroom.
“Baby?”
Clearing her throat, she responds, “I’m in the bathroom. I’ll be right out.” I start putting more of my things in an extra suitcase. I hear the sink turn on and off, and she comes out a second later. The sight of her takes my breath away. Her hair is in a braid hanging down one shoulder, her big blue eyes are striking, and her face is a little red from crying. I stare at her while she packs and avoids my gaze.
“The bus will be here in an hour.”
“Perfect. Do you want me to pack more of your hats or shoes?” she asks, moving to the closet.
“I got it, don’t worry. Thank you, angel.” See, there she goes. Her entire world has imploded, and she is offering to pack for me? Sadie can’t be real.
“Sounds good. I need to run to the pharmacy really quick. I need to pick up some things. Will you be good while I’m gone?” Zipping her bag, she still doesn’t make eye contact with me.
“Yes, of course.” Rounding the bed, I bring her into my arms, and I don’t feel any resistance. Instead she clings to me, letting me know that I’m her only hope, and I better not let her down. Fuck me, I better not let her down.