Thirty-one
Sadie
“How the fuck are ya, Portland!” Ben yells into the mic, completely in his element. My stomach has been in knots all day, and I’m more torn than ever over what to do. I want to work it out with my husband—I don’t want to lose Ben—but the choice isn’t really mine to make.
The drugs, the fighting, the drinking, the way he only opens up on the surface—it’s a deadly combination, and he has to be the one to stop. I can handle the drinking in moderation, but the drugs, fighting, and leaving me hanging—no, I can’t sit back and watch my husband kill himself and beg for CliffNotes to his life.
Last night, I gave in to temptation, and now I’m stuck at a crossroad. Ben probably thinks he has reeled me back in, but little does he know he just complicated things by taking me home last night.
We shouldn’t have spent the night making love; we should have spent it working out our issues and attempting to compromise.
“Will I ever get used to his crass language?” Mama chuckles in my ear.
I look over and smirk. “Sorry, Mama.”
She shakes her head, waving me off. “We all have our vices, right?”
I nod, looking back to Ben. “We do.” I believe Ben is my vice. He’s the one person who has the power to shatter me into a thousand pieces while at the same time being the only one able to put me back together. Nonetheless, here I am. One good thing about tonight: my parents showed up. When they asked to come, I wanted to tell them no. But I took a leap of faith, and I am glad I did. I need them here.
The band finishes a song, and the crowd quiets down slightly to hear what Ben says. “Oh man, it feels good to be home. I’ve missed you guys. Bet you’ve all missed me!”
“You’re fucking hot, Ben Cooper!” some dark-haired beauty in the front row screams.
“Thank you, honey, I know it,” he teases, and my palms start to sweat, the hair on my neck rising. I hate that he entertains them even if it’s only part of the act. I’m as jealous as he is over me.
“Breathe through it, baby,” Mama whispers. Looking over to my dad, I see his nostrils flare. He doesn’t say anything, though, since he knows it’s useless. This is part of the act, the rock star life, and I made the choice to be a part of it. I have no one to blame but myself.
“All right, this next song will be on our new album—this is the first time we are playing it live. Let’s go, Portland!” He turns the second Eric starts the opening guitar solo. Grabbing a sip of his water, he takes a second to look over at me. He winks, and I shake my head. There is no denying that there is something magical when I watch him play.
He gets more passionate with each song, his onstage persona flourishing for the rest of the show. Mama and Papa are champs through everything, not letting Ben’s comments faze them too much. I adore my parents for being so accepting of Ben and loving him even when it’s hard to.
Ben has a way of doing that to people.
After my parents leave—it’s getting late—Kate and I wait in the changing room while they do the meet and greet.
“They did really good. I take it you two talked?” Kate inquires. I shake my head.
“Making double entendres during sex doesn’t count, does it?” I ask.
“Hardly. So it ended up being nothing but makeup sex?”
“Well, maybe even breakup sex. I don’t know.”
“Sadie, you two have to talk. Something has to give here.”
“You don’t think I’m aware, Kate? I’m the one in this marriage,” I snap, instantly regretting it. At my tone, she throws her hands up in surrender. “I’m sorry, Kate, it’s been a bad week.”
Conceding, she nods. “I get it, babe, but make time to talk to him before they leave tomorrow. Okay?”
“I will.”
“Fuck, yeah, shit was good. Baby, tell me how good I did!” Ben barrels in with a whiskey in his hand.
“You did really good.” I can’t believe he’s already drinking; the show ended less than an hour ago.
“I think I made every person in that crowd wet.” He runs his hand over his bare chest, and everyone laughs—everyone but me. I’m over the cocky Ben tonight. I want the serious one instead.
“Babe, the guys wanna go out tonight, you want to come?” Sitting next to me on the leather couch, he pulls me into his side.
“No, I think I’m going to head home for the night. It’s almost eleven, and I need some sleep.”
“Come on. Let’s have some fun. We stayed in last night and all day today. Let’s go out, baby,” he begs, and I grow a little more irritated. He’s going to try to blow off our problems—sweep them under the worn-out rug. Seriously?
“No, I want to go home. In fact, Kate, can you take me, please?” I stand.
Reluctantly, she follows suit with a deep sigh. “Yeah, I can do that. I’ll meet you boys later.” She kisses Eric’s cheek, and Ben sits still, eyeing me up and down. His eyes form tight slits, and he looks pissed. The feeling’s mutual. He doesn’t even try to stop me as Kate and I leave.
Climbing into her car, I get a text almost immediately.
Ben : What the hell is your deal, Sadie?
Me : Nothing. I have things to do tomorrow, Ben. Have fun tonight doing whatever it is you do. I’ll see you before you leave tomorrow.
Ben : So, what? I’m the dick because I want to go out?
Me : I never said that, Ben. You came up with that all on your own.
Ben : Bullshit, you really love to fucking pull the leash and make me feel like shit.
Me : The leash? What are you talking about?
Ben : You control everything I do, Sadie. I can’t fight, I can’t drink, I can’t get high, I can’t hang out with my bandmates after a kick-ass show. I fucking invited you out tonight, and you said no. But I’m the dick?
Me : You hang out with your bandmates every day. Sorry that I wanted to go home so we could work on this small thing called our marriage.
I wait for his response. I feel my blood flowing rapidly through my veins. He’s being such an insensitive jerk right now, already falling back into old habits. How can he expect me to forgive him or trust him when he flips a switch like this?
Ben : You know I want to work on us. Don’t make it seem like I don’t. You act like you’re a saint in all this.
His text just confirms everything I worry about day in and day out. I know he’s on something; he’s out of control tonight. The sober Ben doesn’t fight with low blows. He doesn’t say things that cut me so deep.
Me : Ben, have fun tonight. I need a minute.
After that, it’s radio silence. Kate gets me home, and I drag myself into the apartment. Once inside, I slide down the door, emotions taking over as I cry into my hands. I can hear the echoes of my broken sobs carrying through the desolate apartment.
My phone chimes next to me, and I eagerly check it, hoping it will be an “I’m sorry” or “I’m coming home” message from Ben. I whimper when I see it’s not. Opening Mike’s text, I read it.
Mike : Hey, we still on for lunch tomorrow? I can pick you up?
I forgot I agreed to have lunch with Mike. I’m trying to maintain the friendship, and when I talked to him a few days ago, he agreed that when I got back from the tour, we would go grab something to eat.
Me : Sure, sounds good.
My response is bland. I don’t have any energy left in my body tonight to even try to be excited. Throwing my phone on the couch, I decide I need a bath and some solitude to think everything over.
Turning on the faucet, I let the water run and pour in some bubble bath. As I step in, the bubbles drown me, covering the surface of the water. My thighs are to my chest, and my cheeks rest against my knees in complete defeat. I can’t believe that at nineteen, this is my life. I’m in a bath crying after having yet another fight with my husband, and I’m seriously considering a divorce.
Six months ago, my life was so simple. I was focused on taking care of everyone else. Now, life is destructive and frightening. It’s devastating and reckless—yet it’s beautiful at times. After every low that Ben and I face, he fixes it; he brings me comfort and love. I don’t know how he does it or why I continue to let it happen, but I can’t stop it. Even now, I am convinced he’s the only person I want, the only thing that will make me happy—even if he’s the one thing that makes me the unhappiest.
Turning the water off, I hear movement in the apartment on the other side of the locked bathroom door.
“Ben?” I call out.
“It’s me,” he responds, his voice devoid of anything. I didn’t think he was going to come home, but the fact that he did gives me a flicker of hope. Hurrying out of the bath, I wrap myself in my big plush towel and leave the bathroom. When I walk into our bedroom, he’s sitting on the edge of the bed, his face wearing a scowl. He has my phone in his hands.
“Ben, why do you have my phone?” I ask, walking closer with steady steps. He doesn’t answer; instead, he stares at the screen. As I get closer, I see him scrolling through my messages, and instantly my blood boils.
“Ben!” I reach out to grab it, appalled by the invasion of my privacy. He yanks his hand up by the side of his head and stands up.
“You’re going out with Mike?” I stand on my tiptoes to try to grab the phone, but he pulls it further away. I see red in his black eyes, a dead giveaway that he is high. Did he do a hit of cocaine after I left?
“Ben, hand me my phone. That’s my private business.”
“Bullshit. Are you fucking him, Sadie?”
“Oh my god, Ben, you’re insane, you—”
“Are you letting him fuck you, Sadie! Are you letting him touch you!” he screams, and all of a sudden I’m afraid to fight over my stupid phone. I back up slowly. I don’t cower; that’s not who I am. However, I am trained to de-escalate situations, and right now, that’s best.
“Huh? Answer me! Why the fuck are you going to lunch with him! You been fucking around on me? Huh, baby!” he yells again, throwing my phone against the wall on the other side of the room. It shatters, and I scream, terrified.
“Ben, stop.” I try soothing him. The fact he could think this when I’ve been on tour with him for months is irrational. How could I cheat on him when I was with him? Drugs will manipulate your mind, that’s how.
“No, you want to let someone touch what’s mine? You fucked him, didn’t you, Sadie!” He cages me in. I grip my towel tighter, truly afraid of him. I have never been afraid of him.
“No, I didn’t. Ben, we’re friends, it’s not like that,” I whisper as he towers over me, his arms on either side of my head. “I had a life before you, friends, family, and it’s all a part of me. I can’t give everything up; that’s not fair.”
It’s like Ben doesn’t hear me, his mind trapped in a deadly rage.
“Was he good, did you like him fucking you? Did he touch you better than me? Did his cock feel good inside you?” he seethes, his eyes so far gone they have lost their warmth. His words sicken me, and my stomach rumbles, bile trying to make its acidic way up my throat.
“Ben, don’t say that! Stop it!” I begin to cry, my body shaking uncontrollably.
“No, I want you to tell me if he was good. You want him again? Or do you want me to fuck you better and show you no one can ever fucking touch you like I can? I’ll kill him if he touched you, Sadie,” he bites out, and I drop down, sliding against the wall, covering my ears and crying harder. He steps back, and I feel his dark eyes boring into me.
“Ben, please stop, you need help. Look at you. Please—please stop.” Taking a risk, I peer up at him.
“I’m not the reason you fucked around on me!” he screams, and I see it: the fear in him. His brows draw together with sadness. The expression fades faster than it came, but I saw it. Ben’s afraid; he knows he’s no longer capable of controlling the spinning wheel that his life has become. I swallow my tears and try a different approach; my only mission is to calm him down. I wanted him to be himself, to let his demons out and let me in. You got what you asked for, Sadie. You think you can handle it?
“Ben, baby, I don’t want anyone but you. No one has ever touched me. I promise. Only you.” I stand to my full height, and he breathes in and out deeply, his fists tight at his sides. I see his brows slowly loosening again, and his jaw goes a little more lax.
“Ben, please, trust in me, baby. I would never hurt you. I love you.” I’m now face to face and toe to toe with him with no space between us. I bring my hands up, shaking on the inside, unsure how he’s going to react to me. My heart is breaking for my husband; he doesn’t want to have all these crutches. Finally, I see the real him. Seeing my husband not knowing how to heal is devastating.
“Come back to me, Ben. I know you’re in there, baby. Come back.” I search his eyes and rub my hands against his face, hoping my touch will bring the real Ben forward. I do this for what feels like hours before he crumbles.
“Sadie? Fuck, what do I do? What do I do, baby?” He breaks, his jaw no longer tight, his eyes coming back to the honey brown I’m used to and his hands releasing their tight fists. He drops his head to my shoulder, his hands squeezing my hips as he lets out a gut-wrenching wail. “I’m so sorry. God, I’m so sorry, baby. I’m just like him. I’m like my father. Help me, Sadie. Please.” I lift his face from my shoulder and navigate his focus back to me.
“Shh, you’re not him, Ben, shh. I promise we’ll get you better. Trust in me.” I kiss his chest repeatedly above his heart. I stand on my tiptoes and kiss the underside of his jaw.
“How can you trust me? I’ve lied, I’ve hidden things from you, I fucking said terrible things!” His fists leave my hips, and he punches his chest hard. The echo of flesh being pounded chills me. I grab his hand, stopping him.
“Don’t do that! Stop it!” I start to cry along with him. I stop his fist from another blow to his chest and kiss him there instead.
“No, I fucked up, and I need to be punished for that. Let me make it up to you, Sadie.” I start to respond, but he falls to his knees. Dropping his lips to my feet, he kisses the top of them then continues a path up my shins, then my thighs, until the towel stops him.
“Let me make it up to you,” he says again. He opens the flap of the towel and pulls so it leaves my body.
“Ben, take a deep breath. We got this. We can get through this.” Ben has never broken down like this before. He has always talked about his past stoically. Never has he been so emotional in front of me. I knew there was something painful deep down, but I had no idea how bad it was until now. Nick warned me, and I naively thought that I had seen the worst. Not even close.
“Let me worship you, Sadie. I’m at your feet. Don’t you see that? You’re my saving grace.” Without another word, his lips close around my core, his tongue licking up my slit. I grip his hair and throw my head back.
“Ben!” I cry.
“You’re mine. I have to have you forever. I will quit any drug, any addiction but you. Don’t give up on me,” he says against my skin, inhaling my scent and kissing my thigh. He rubs his face all over my thighs and my center, marking himself with my scent. My broken, broken man. My beautiful lover.
I believe him. I actually believe him for the first time, but with this sacrifice from him, I will have to sacrifice too. I need to give up something—a life that once mattered more than anything to me.
“I’ll leave with you. I want to go with you.” I will forgo my planned future for the unknown with Ben.
“What?” He rises, pulling me against him. He bends, becoming level with my face, his hands gripping my sides under my breasts.
“I don’t want a life without you, Ben. You need me. I made a vow to love you in sickness and in health. I won’t let you be alone anymore.” Though I speak these words proudly, inside I’m anything but strong. My heart is crumbling to ashes as I give up all that I have left in order to save Ben. Walking away from my dreams is like mourning a death, but Ben means more to me, and my greatest dream in this life is to see him healthy and happy.
“But you’ve worked so hard to get here. I can’t let you give that up for me.”
“Yes, you can, because you’re giving up things for me. I love what I do, but I love you more.”
“Sadie . . .” He trails off, his head hanging low as he sways back and forth in disbelief.
“That’s what I get for loving you.”
“Why didn’t you come sooner?” He kisses me, sealing us together. I claw at him because I feel we’re not close enough. I will never regret my choice to work on my marriage first and to protect and help my husband. He has never had a home where there wasn’t pain. The only love he knew was overshadowed by brutality. But not anymore; now he has a home, and I have to keep that home safe.
I climb into his arms, my legs wrapping around his waist. His hands grip my ass, and he turns, laying us on the bed. I grab at him, helping him remove his clothes in an instant. Once he’s naked, I eagerly grab for his cock. Stroking it in my hands, I see the thick veins grow more prominent as his full nine inches awakens.
“I want you,” I moan, sliding closer and lining him up with my entrance.
“How do you want it?” he groans as the rounded head opens me up.
“Use me. Use me like I am your drug. Take everything from me so you can feel complete.” I want to be his only addiction. I need to know—I want to know—what it feels like to be his object of obsession, someone he would do anything for.
Without a word, he shows me. Slamming into me, he lifts my legs above his head, resting them on his shoulders. I’m nearly ripped in half by his violent thrusts. He growls at me, and I scream out his name repeatedly.
Turning his head, he bites down hard on the side of my calf, and I bear down on him. “Ben!”
“You’re my wife, my hero. I can’t believe you keep fucking choosing me,” he cries, and I keep looking at our connection, the root of his cock hitting against my clit with each thrust.
“Ben.” I cup his face. I need him to understand what I am about to say. “I will choose you every time. Religiously. You have someone who isn’t leaving. Please.” I shake his face softly, his thrusts now slowing down. A tear falls and hits my chest, and he nods.
“I know. Goddamn it. I love you.” Leaning in, he picks up speed and licks up my tears. This is so raw. I almost want to stop it because my heart feels like it might explode in my chest. My love for him is overwhelming. Ben mirrors my desperation as he tries to hold off his orgasm to make this last.
“Don’t hold back, take a hit, take another blow, baby,” I cry out as he grabs my breast in his hand and squeezes with bruising force. He begins to pound into me like he is enunciating each thrust.
“Kiss me, give me your taste.” He leans down, and I give him my mouth. Licking his lips, he lets me in. Our tongues tango, fighting one another for more than we can possibly give with a kiss. I scream into his mouth when he pinches my nipple then slaps my hip. “You’re such a good fucking girl.” He bites my lip, causing blood to leak from it.
“Oh, don’t stop, Ben!” His body slides against mine, and I wonder how I ever lived before him making love to me.
“I won’t, I’m never gonna stop. You’re mine, Sadie Cooper.” With his ownership, I come, unraveling beneath him. “No way, baby, don’t you settle down, I’m not done. Give me one more, angel.” I come hard, my juices flooding us as they squirt from me. “I can’t, it hurts!” He keeps at me, my spasms still going and my body shivering in response. The muscles in my stomach have begun to tighten then release repeatedly, and I lose all sense of consciousness.
“No, it doesn’t. Let your man show you. I can make you do this over and over tonight, baby. Come again, feel me inside you.” He slows down, letting my high slowly fall. When my spasms slow down, my eyes flutter open to see him staring down at me. “Good girl. Relax.”
Pushing one of my legs down, he opens me up and stares down at our connection. He groans, the sound as good as his lovemaking feels. Pushing my knee into the bed, he keeps my other one high and against his side.
“Shit, look at that. Mmm, Sadie. Your heart may be pure, but your body was sculpted by the devil, my little temptress. This tiny, tight pussy can bring me to my knees.” I choke on my own moans.
“I have to stop, baby, it hurts,” I cry out, the new sensation building faster. It’s one I’ve never felt before.
“That’s good, baby, oh fuck, chase it, come on my cock again, take it, angel.” He groans, and I do as he says: I ride that wave, chasing it or, better yet, running from it. The only problem is I’m not quick enough. I come apart, orgasming in a rush. Leaving my knee nailed into the bed at my side, I try to close my legs, but it’s no use. My back bows off the bed while tears invade my eyes and heat coils in my spine, causing my toes to curl.
“Ben! Fuck! Ben!” I scream, losing my moral code.
“Too tight, fuck, so tight. I’m coming, baby, get ready.” Finally, my vision refocuses, and I can watch him and enjoy his pleasure with him. His eyes are zeroed in on his cock sliding in and out repeatedly; it almost looks violent. He’s large, and I’m still not fully used to him; my core pulls him back in greedily as he slides out.
“Ben, look at me,” I call out to him, running my hands up his sides. He finally breaks his trance and gives me his attention. “Promise me something,” I say.
“Anything, Sadie—fuck, I’ll do anything.”
“Promise me you will fight like hell every day for us.”
“If you promise to never leave me.”
“Never, baby. I can’t. I need you too much,” I cry, the severity of how badly I need him consuming me—the depths of danger I’m willing to enter in order to keep him. As he empties himself in me, I feel something, a stronger connection than I have ever felt with my husband. He is the man I loved first and the one I plan to love last—if I can save us.