Thirty
Ben
Sitting in a chair on the balcony, I take a long drag of the devil’s stick. The smoke fills my lungs, burning deep until I release it again. The sun should be rising in a few hours, but I can’t close my eyes. I don’t want to sleep. I don’t want to do anything other than wait for Sadie to wake up so I can make love to her again.
I’m an addict; my compulsive urge to latch onto something is inevitable. I’m itching for a drag of weed to calm me down; my fists are pain-free from the lack of fights recently. Three cigarettes and five orgasms later, I’m still craving something.
Sadie.
My phone interrupts the silence, and I reach into my pocket to pull it out. Seeing Eric’s name, I pick up.
“What’s up, man?”
“Hey, I have Lars here. He’s selling me some new shit, you want a hit or no? You can pay me back later.”
I bite my lip and take a drag of my cigarette, looking over my shoulder to check if Sadie is still asleep. The lights are still off, so I answer, keeping my voice low.
“Get me a bag.” The exact thing we are fighting over is snaking its way back in.
“All right, brother. See you tomorrow at the show. You bringing Sadie?”
“I think so, if she wants to come.”
“Kate will be there, so she’ll most likely come. See you then, dude.”
“All right, man, bye.”
If Sadie had any idea that I bought drugs on the balcony of our apartment, she would snap, and my ass would be done for. I hate lying to her, I really do, but I can’t stop. I’m an addict, and like I told her, that doesn’t mean I don’t want to try, but it’s not as easy as snapping your fingers. Is it doable? Yes. Have I stopped taking other drugs cold turkey? Yes. But fuck, it was like someone was yanking each tooth out one by one. Getting high and fighting fucking feels right. It’s momentary, but it never seems unnecessary. How do I tell her that? How can that make sense? It makes sense in my mind, but then again, I walked a different path, and while I can’t pretend to know hers, I do understand that we both need to give here. Even if that means we have to share the good, the bad, and the really fucking ugly.
When the drugs hit my system, they fog up all the bad memories, and when I am hit with a hard fist, the blow eases the pain and guilt I feel. It’s a slippery slope, but it lessens all the bad a little, sometimes enough to make my memories seem like someone else’s story. I have to escape those memories, because most days, they are enough to fucking strangle me.
Sure, I’ve gotten myself into some not-so-good situations when I’m high, but maybe if I can stop doing that, she’ll be okay with me getting high on the bus or in the privacy of our home. There has to come a point where I no longer lean on cocaine or fighting, but in order to do that, I have to face wounds so deep that healing them would be as bad as pulling the trigger of the gun resting against my temple.
I take my last drag for the night and finally get my ass to bed. Tomorrow, I have a shit-ton of ass-kissing to do and a hometown show.
* * *
I wake to the smell of bacon and the sound of rain from our open window. I’m used to California summers, so these rainy Portland summer days throw me off. I only moved here in January, and with being on the road six months out of the year, I haven’t really adjusted to the change.
Climbing out of bed, I open my top drawer and slip on some sweats before heading in search of Sadie. I stretch and yawn all the way down the hall, my body sore and my eyes heavy. It’s only nine, meaning I got maybe four hours of sleep.
Coming into the kitchen, I watch Sadie read her bible while she lets the bacon fry, flipping it sporadically. I’ve noticed that whenever we get bad, she leans heavily on her religion.
Her hair is in a wild bun on her head, little hairs falling out and touching her rosy cheeks. She’s wearing my shirt, the sleeves too long for her and covering almost all of her hands. I see the bottom of her sweet little ass, and I want to bite it.
“Morning, angel.” I let her know I’m behind her.
“Ben, you scared me.” She turns toward me with her hand above her heart. My eyes travel up the length of her thick, creamy legs and end on her baby blues. “Breakfast is almost ready.”
“Thank you.” Like that, we dance around the elephant in the room. I will wait for her to bring up what we are going to do next, but there is one thing I’m sure of. She isn’t leaving me. I will drown silently in my misery before I let her leave.
I check my phone as we eat, scratching down some lyrics in my notes. Sadie makes little noises as she reads, and I smile, loving the small things that make her who she is.
“What are your plans today?” I place my hand on her thigh and squeeze gently, placing my phone down.
“I’m going to do some laundry and clean up, that’s all for now. What about you?”
“I’ll help you around the house, then I have to go to sound check at four. Doors open at six tonight, you gonna come?” I bait her, leaning in and kissing her cheek.
“Sure. I’ll come.” She smiles then marks her place in the book. Shutting it, she stands and collects our plates.
“I’m gonna shower. I’ll be back in a few minutes.” She leaves, and I watch her swaying hips disappear down the hall. I take that shit as an invite.
* * *
“Run, baby, run. Pack your bags, and I’ll take you far away. Don’t look back, you’re gonna drown here if you stay,” I sing into the mic, testing out my earpiece.
Eric is to my left on his guitar, messing with tuning, Jason has his bass, and JJ is on his drums. When everything sounds right, we start playing the first couple verses of each song. Sadie has to run some errands before she gets here, meaning I could take a few puffs from the new shit Eric bought. I only smoked enough to take the edge off how I’ve felt since my last high.
“Nick, turn up my earpiece, it’s too quiet on track three. The guitar sounds too loud.”
I adjust my earpiece, then the familiar sound of Kate comes bursting through the venue. Looking out in the empty room, I see her and Sadie walking in. Sadie’s hair is a perfect wavy mess, and she’s wearing skinny black ripped jeans with her boots, looking like a badass rocker wife.
All morning we cleaned, fucked a little, cleaned some more, then fucked again. I don’t think I have anything left in me to give until I see her walking in looking like that. She’s wearing my band’s logo on the oversized black tee that she has tied in a knot at the left bottom side, showing me a little bit of her hip and stomach.
She isn’t excited to be here; I can see it in her eyes. We both know we’re nowhere near better, and if she knew about the blunt I smoked thirty minutes ago, we would be worse off. Lie. Lie. Lie. Even though I see this cycle happening, I can’t help but do it. It’s selfish, but I have to do it because I have to keep her.
“That’s good. Let’s go on back to the dressing room and get you guys ready.” Nick gathers us up, and I look down at Sadie. “Come to the back, babe.” She nods, and I head back.
She comes walking in a few seconds later. All the guys greet her, and I change out of my sweaty sound check clothes. Slipping on my leather pants, I leave my shirt off and take my earpiece out of my ear, letting it hang loose around my neck.
“Hey, baby, did you get everything done?” She nods and returns my quick peck.
“My parents want to come to the show tonight. You think we can have them side stage?” My eyebrows lift. Shit, did she tell them?
“They want to come here to the show?” I ask, knowing exactly what she means.
“Yes, they want to be supportive. They know we are going through some things, and I asked that they be here for us. Is that something you are okay with?”
Is it? Do they know how bad it is? I would ask, but if it isn’t the answer I want, it may set me off, and I can’t do that before a show.
“I think it’s more about if this is going to make it worse for us. And for you?” Her parents could use this against me, and I wouldn’t blame them. Worse, they could use it to pull Sadie in, and that isn’t fair to either of us.
“What do you mean?”
I shrug. “We aren’t good right now, and I don’t want something else added on to make it worse.” I look around and nod at some stage crew.
“My parents are kind, Ben. They realize that we all made choices here and the past can’t be undone. But they wouldn’t use it to hurt us. I promise.” Sadie isn’t put off by my worry. That was a risk, telling her that I fear they may use this huge fucking wedge between us as a way to save their daughter from me.
“Okay, I want what you want. You take the lead, angel.” She gives me the most gentle and hopeful smile I have seen since I came back. “Have them come to the back door, and I’ll tell the crew to bring them in.” We will have to talk about exactly what she has told them. For now, I go along with it and take them coming as a good sign. I watch her closely as she takes a seat and stares at her phone.
“Dude, that one chick I fucked last time is a major clinger. She showed up outside,” JJ says next to me, and we all laugh.
“Don’t know why, your dick can’t be that good. But hey, never say no to round two,” I say, punching his arm and looking back at Sadie. She smiles and shakes her head.
“Can we get some music in here?” I holler toward Nick. A few seconds later, some AC/DC comes on over the loudspeakers.
“Oh fuck yeah.” The boys and I join in a circle and start singing and hyping each other up. We do this until it’s showtime.
Putting on my red blazer, I head down the hall toward the stage. Sadie’s hand is in mine as she follows a few steps behind me. I drink the rest of my beer, taking the edge off my preshow jitters.
“Kiss, baby.” Turning to her, I give her a kiss, my tongue moving against hers. I don’t like simple with her; I like full-on taste. I need it on my tongue while I perform.
“Good luck.” She smiles, but it doesn’t reach her eyes. She’s still teetering on the edge when it comes to what she should do. She wants space, but I don’t. I won’t lose Sadie. I will fight to keep her—fight with everything I have.
“Yes, good luck,” Ray says as she and Stanley come up behind Nick. Ray leans in for a hug, and I return it. That’s a good sign. It’s not until I turn to Stanley that I get a little nervous. How is this going to go? His face isn’t giving me much. Finally, after what feels like hours, he stretches out his hand, and I met him halfway, shaking his hand. I’m the piece of shit these two prayed Sadie would never love, yet they are here, and I hope that works in my favor. I don’t want to lose any of them—I won’t lose any of them.
“Thanks, guys. Love you, baby.” One last kiss and I make my way out. The low lights and building prelude are thundering in my chest. My heart kicks into overdrive. The thrill of performing brews inside me.
Taking a long sip of my water, I stay by the drum set and smirk up at JJ. The up-tempo electronic song ends, and the first notes to “Run, Baby, Run” start. Grabbing the mic, I begin our set.
“How the fuck are ya, Portland!” The crowd roars, and that’s when the familiar high begins. This is the shit I live for.