10. Merlin
10
MERLIN
Rubbing a hand over my chest, I try to ease the ache that’s recently taken up residence there. Leila looks so tiny lying in that hospital bed, pale as a ghost and hooked up to all manner of machines. At least the steady beeping of the heart monitor reassures me she’s alive. I haven’t lost her. Well, not to death at any rate.
I can’t get the image of her so deathly still and bleeding on the floor of the ship’s cabin out of my mind. Fear and helplessness held me in a stranglehold I couldn’t shake off. My heart about stopped beating as I saw her crumple to the floor.
When I discovered the bomb strapped to the hijacker, everything in me screamed to grab her and run as far and as fast as my legs would carry us to safety. Instead, all I could do was watch as Ace gathered her in his arms as if she were made of spun glass and carry her away from me. It sucks that it took Leila almost dying for me to have my come-to-Jesus moment.
Right on its heels, I understood just how hugely I’ve screwed the pooch. I thought I was doing the right thing for both of us when I broke our relationship off. In my mind, it was unfair to expect her to live the life of a military wife, never knowing where I am at any given moment. Never knowing when that dreaded knock on the door might come.
Watching the hell Sheri went through after Maverick died, I didn’t want that life for Leila. So, to protect her, I left. Or at least that’s what I told myself I was doing back then. As the scene in that cabin replays in my brain for the millionth time, I realize that was all just a bunch of bullshit I told myself. It was me I was protecting. My fears and insecurities.
Leila enchanted me from the moment I laid eyes on her, and I fell hard in the span of a heartbeat. And that scared the crap out of me. The intensity of my feelings for her, how wholly I got lost in her when we were together and how she was all I could think about when we were apart — all of it scared me. So, like a coward, I ran, pretending it was to protect her.
Which was a crock of shit. I was protecting myself. And in doing so, fucked up the best thing that ever happened to me.
I didn’t have the best childhood. I mean, yeah, I had a roof over my head, food in my belly, I didn’t want for anything material, but I didn’t know what unconditional love looked like until Leila. She wrapped me up in a love unlike any I’d ever experienced. She gave generously of herself, never thinking to deny me anything I might want or need.
She embraced my friends as her own, including them in her circle of sunshine. And like flowers starved of the light, we flourished in her presence. My gut clenches and nausea roils as I realize that I not only took that away from myself, but deprived the guys of it too.
Despite being unwilling to admit how much I was hurting, they knew how hard leaving was. They neither understood nor condoned my reasons, but their loyalty was unwavering. So, they too stayed away. On that thought, my body locks as another thought pops into my head.
Fuck.
I did that to her too.
Fuck .
I — we — lost one person that day. She lost six.
Thank God for Sheri. Unlike the rest of us, Sheri stayed. She and Leila held onto each other, helping each other through some of the darkest days of their lives. For what it’s worth, I love that for them. That they could turn to each other, understanding what the other was going through.
Jesus, I’m such an asshole. The enormity of what I did five years ago slams into me as I rub my thumb across the soft skin of Leila’s hand, thanking every deity she’s still here. And I know, without a doubt, that if I could find a way to make this right, I’d do anything to have Leila back in my life.
As I watch her sleep the deep sleep of the drugged, I make her a silent promise not to waste this second chance we’ve been given. I’ll do everything I can to show her how much I still love her, that I was wrong, and stupid, to walk away. That I’ll spend the rest of my life showing her how precious she is. Now all I have to do is get her onboard with the idea.
Yeah, that’s going to be fun.
For now, I’ll sit here watching over her and be grateful for the chance. We’ll figure the rest out.
At some point, I must have dozed off. I jerk upright at a sound, unable to identify it. Then I hear it again. Clearly caught up in a nightmare, her legs churning as though she’s running from something or someone, I’m worried Leila will hurt herself.
As quickly and quietly as I can, I toe my shoes off and ease myself onto the bed beside her. Drawing her into my arms, I rest her head on my shoulder and drop soft kisses on the top of her head and forehead. Rubbing a hand softly up and down her arm rather than her hand now, she starts to settle until finally with a sigh she calms.
It feels incredible to hold her in my arms again. I’ve missed this simple joy. There was never anything to beat the feeling of coming home to Leila at the end of a mission, holding her in the middle of the night as she silenced the demons that followed me home. Then to wake to her beautiful face in the morning and make slow, sweet love to her as she wrapped me up in all her magnificence.
God, I’ve missed her. Right down to the bottom of my soul.
I only meant to calm her, but must have dozed off again as I lay, at peace for the first time since I left her, savoring the feel of her body against mine. Coming awake at yet another sound, I find the nurse checking Leila’s vitals.
“Sorry, I didn’t mean to fall asleep. She was having a nightmare, and I didn’t want her to hurt herself. It was the only way I could think of to soothe her.”
“It’s no problem, sir. Ms. Asherton’s vitals are actually the best they’ve been since she came in, so it’s clearly working.”
Her words and kind smile warm me, but I know it’s only a matter of time before those very stats climb. Once Leila’s awake, I have no doubt that legendary temper of hers is going to make an appearance, and her vitals will skyrocket. And I’m betting it’ll be sooner rather than later. She’s made it pretty clear how she feels about me having popped back up in her life.
Can’t blame her. I fucked up and hurt her. Badly. Now I’ve realized I was stupid to walk away, I have to figure out how to get her back. I want — no — need her back in my life. I just have no idea how the hell I’m going to convince her to give me a second chance. To make her understand that, if she’d give it to me, I’ll spend the rest of my life showing her how precious she is to me.
Ace pulls me out of my morbid thoughts, striding back into the room with a big ass stuffed donkey and a bunch of flowers.
“Hey, dude. How’s it going with Sleeping Beauty here? The guys are all waiting down the hall for an update.”
“You guys been here all night?”
“Well yeah. Didn’t think we were going to bail, did ya? Gotta know if our girl’s going to be okay first.”
His words hit like a blow to the gut. Yeah, I guess I’m not the only one who missed her. In my blind rush to save my heart, I never stopped to even consider how the situation would affect the others, nor that they’d stayed away too, out of misguided loyalty to me. I ease my arm out from under Leila and swing my legs over the edge of the bed.
Stalking over to the window, I scrub my hands tiredly over my face. Give me a mission, and I can plan it down to the finest detail, face the enemy down, and take them out without so much as blinking, but when it comes to relationships, I can fuck it up with the best of them.
And I did.
Well, pity party’s over. Time to pull my shit together and win my girl back. To give her back to the guys too.
“Hey, pretty lady,” I hear Ace say behind me and turn to find Leila awake and staring at me.
Slowly turning her head back to Ace, she gifts him with a smile. “Hey, Kevin.”
“The guys and me got ya something.” He lifts the giant donkey and grins. “We tried to find a bigger one, but they didn’t have any more.”
Despite her clear discomfort, Leila’s laughter fills the room, and she reaches out to take the stuffed animal from Ace. Unable to hold onto it, it slips from her fingers, but Ace manages to snag it before the toy hits the floor.
“How about I just put him here at the foot of the bed to watch over you.”
“He’s gorgeous, thank you. Besides, any bigger and there wouldn’t be any space left in the bed for me.”
I watch enviously as the two of them slip effortlessly back into the easy relationship they always shared. From the very beginning, that very first night in The Tin Moose, Ace had a massive soft spot for Leila. But I know he’d never make a move. It’s not like that. Still, in this moment, I can’t help but feel the bite of the green-eyed monster. It sucks, but I’m jealous of my friend.
The doctor saves me from making an ass of myself. He kicks us out to examine Leila, but we don’t go any farther than the hallway outside her door.
“You hanging in there, brother?”
“Yeah. She’s alive, and that’s what counts, right?”
“Yep.” Ace studies me for long, uncomfortable moments, and I try my best not to squirm. Finally, he simply says, “So how you planning on getting our girl back?” He laughs, a deep belly laugh as I stare at him in shock, speechless. “I’m neither blind nor stupid, dude. I’ve seen you with her since that fucker hit her. So? What’s the plan? And more to the point, how can we help?”
Sighing, I shake my head. “I haven’t got a clue, man. Not the first fucking clue.”
He claps me on the back, grinning that shit-eating grin of his, and says, “Then I guess it’s just as well you’ve got us to help you out, yeah?”
With a laugh, I shake my head at him. “Yeah.”
I’m not sure if I should be thankful or plain scared at the idea. Either way, if they can help me figure out how to undo all the hurt I’ve caused and win my girl back, I’m all ears.