Chapter 11
11
MALLORY
T he next day I help Gran get the garden ready for fall. Or winter. I've already forgotten what she called it. To be honest, I'm just as bad in the garden as I am in the kitchen. I don't even think it's that I couldn't do it if I wanted to, I just don't want to. This type of work simply doesn't appeal to me at all. I'd rather do three thousand updates for two thousand devices, but Gran doesn't ask for that. Which might be because apart from a TV, she doesn't have any entertainment electronics. Once I had to reset her alarm clock because she couldn't remember how to set the alarm. But that was it.
Instead, she's put me on weeding duty, and I swear I can feel my brain cells falling asleep from boredom. Soon I won't know the difference between work and free time anymore.
"That's not a weed," Gran says.
"Why not?"
"Because it's a ground cover."
"Hmm. Looks just like that one over there. I pulled that one out too."
"For God's sake!"
She runs to the corner I pointed out. I grin.
"You're a very naughty girl," she scolds me after seeing that I haven't ripped out any of her precious plants.
"Got to have a little fun," I reply.
"You nearly gave me a heart attack."
"Oh, come on. Weeds never really go away anyway."
She throws a handful of weeds at my head. Literally. I shriek because there are definitely some weird bugs in there that are now crawling down my collar. Oh God. It's already tickling my back!
She laughs. "You're such a prissy! There's nothing in there!"
"Definitely earwigs!"
For whatever reason, I have an irrational fear of these little creatures, because as a child I thought they would actually pinch my ears. Or crawl inside them, which is probably even worse.
She shakes her head. "How did I end up with such a fussy granddaughter?"
"Something's crawling on my back! Get it off!"
I tear off my top. Gran comes closer and examines my back. "There's nothing there."
"Yes there is, I can feel it exactly."
She runs her hand over my skin. "There's really nothing there."
"Phew." I put my T-shirt back on. "You're really impossible, Gran."
"How can I make it up to you?" she jokes.
"Do we have any cinnamon rolls left?"
"Those aren't for prissies."
"Oh, you're mean."
She smiles. "Clear away those weeds over there, and I'll see what I can do for you."
"You're the best!"
"Of course I am."
Half an hour later when I'm done, Gran is already waiting for me on the porch with cinnamon rolls and coffee. "I'm exhausted."
"You've worked very diligently, I must admit."
"And if I didn't, it was only because of your distractions."
She smiles as she pours me some coffee. "How's your love life going?"
"What love life? And didn't we already go through this yesterday?"
"Oops, I was probably thinking about something else. Anyway, Theo's grandson..."
"Absolutely not."
"But he lives in San Francisco."
"Lots of people live there, but I don't date them."
I bite into my roll and sigh with delight because this is truly the epitome of happiness. There's nothing better. Cinnamon rolls, coffee, and love.
"I worry about you."
"You don't need to."
"You work too much."
"But I enjoy it."
"But when do you have other kinds of fun?"
"I meet up with Carrie and Tina."
"How often?"
I think about it. "Well, about every two weeks."
"You're too young for such a serious life." She looks at me with concern.
"Gran, I swear to you, I have fun."
"What's fun for you?"
"Working and exercise, if I'm being honest."
"That's what I thought."
"But I'm fine. Really."
She looks at me doubtfully. "They say youth is wasted on the young. Sometimes I think nowadays everyone just wants to have fun, so I never believed that saying. But with you, I'm afraid it's true."
I grin. "What can I do to ease your worries?"
"If you had more friends..."
"Male friends, you mean?"
"No, friends. You can be happy without a man, but not without people you love and who love you."
I reach for her hand. "But I have those. First and foremost, the best grandma in the world."
"But I'm too far away."
"Should I visit more often?"
Smiling, she squeezes my fingers. "That would certainly make me very happy, but I'm not sure if it would make you happy too."
"Of course it would make me happy. Though it might also make me a few pounds heavier."
She pats my cheek. "You're just right the way you are."
"I think so too, which is why I want to stay this way."
"You're always just right the way you are." She winks at me. "And many men like something on the ribs."
"Theo obviously."
"Oh yes." She looks a bit dreamy.
"You're acting like a lovesick teenager."
Laughing, she replies: "I actually do feel like I'm eighteen again, when I was in love for the first time."
"Wow, you were really with Gramps for a long time."
"More than half my life."
"That's nice."
"It was nice, but it wasn't always sunshine and roses. Sometimes you have to fight for your relationship, especially when it seems easier to just throw in the towel. If you make it through the tough spots, it's often even better on the other side. But the journey can be arduous and painful."
"Painful?"
She nods. "When I lost my babies, it was particularly difficult. I wanted to give up, but he wouldn't let me. And when he came back from the war, bringing all his demons with him, I was the one who wouldn't let go."
"Gramps never talked about the Vietnam War."
"He couldn't. He saw too much darkness that almost robbed him of hope, so he couldn't even travel back there in his thoughts."
"Poor Gramps. And poor you! That certainly wasn't easy."
"It wasn't easy. But it was worth it. He was worth it."
* * *
It wasn't easy. But it was worth it. These are the words I take with me as I drive home. It's amazing how many of us sometimes think we have it rough, that it's often unbearable, but when you talk to older generations who went through completely different things, sometimes when they were incredibly young, it gives you a bit of perspective. Our lives may still sometimes be unbearable, but it could be worse.
Although that might be a small comfort, because we and our fate are closest to ourselves, and in bad moments it helps little to know that others have had it even worse. Everyone has their own cross to bear.
But I also have something to look forward to. Neil is coming to visit me on Wednesday. He wants to visit friends and spend some time with me. When we're not together, I rarely miss him, but now I've realized again how much I do. We've always had a good relationship. Were always friends. Maybe because we're not so far apart in age.
Is Gran right? Do I have too little fun? Too few social contacts? So far it hasn't seemed that way to me, but on some evenings I'm just so exhausted that I'm glad there's no one else making demands on me. But maybe it really is too little to see my two best (and only) friends only every two weeks.
It's definitely something I need to think about. But not today. Because when I get home, I fall into bed and have almost closed my eyes when my phone beeps.
brADY
I'm not sure if she wants this, but I send Mallory a message on Sunday evening. Somehow I feel it's better to make a move right away. So I ask her if she wants to go to the movies with me on Tuesday.
Mallory
Which movie?
Brady
Horror?
Mallory
Absolutely not.
I grin. Why did I know she would say that? She does have something of a princess about her, though I hope it's not too much. A little princess is good, but it can also be exhausting when you can't do anything fun because she's afraid of breaking a nail.
Brady
How about that new thriller then?
Mallory
I don't like anything too suspenseful, because then I just watch through my fingers and I don't want to pay for half a movie.
Brady
I'll treat you and you can watch through your fingers as much as you want.
Mallory
But I don't want you to pay for movies I only half-watch.
Brady
Marvel?
Mallory
Perfect.
Brady
Really?
Mallory
Sure, do you think only guys find Captain America hot?
Brady
I actually find Cap the least attractive.
Mallory
Who do you like?
Brady
Venom.
Mallory
He looks so horrible!
Brady
No way! I think his face is awesome.
Mallory
You clearly have no taste. Besides, he's one of the bad guys.
Brady
I'm into bad guys.
Mallory
Then what do you want with a good girl like me?
Brady
Hmmmm, I like it when good girls go bad.
Mallory
:D You want to corrupt me?
Brady
Just a little bit. But you in some Catwoman outfit? Hot. :P
Mallory
Then enjoy your fantasy, because that's never going to happen in reality.
Brady
Too bad.
Mallory
If anything, I'd be Natasha Romanoff.
Brady
Awesome! Black Widow also wears nice tight outfits.
Mallory
And she can kill you in a thousand different ways.
Brady
Wow, bloodthirsty.
Mallory
You wanted me to be bad.
Brady
Maybe a little less bad.
Mallory
:D Make up your mind!
Brady
I'll just take everything.
Mallory
Everything? Wow, pretty audacious. Can't get enough, can you?
Brady
Of you? Definitely not.
I'm well aware that this isn't exactly how friends behave, but I couldn't care less. As long as she doesn't stop me, I'll keep flirting with her. I'm hoping, of course, that she doesn't stop me.
Mallory
Are you flirting with me?
Brady
Depends.
Mallory
On what?
Brady
On whether you're flirting back.
Mallory
Maybe a little.
Brady
Then I'm also flirting with you a little.
Mallory
And what if I flirt back more than just a little?
Brady
Then my flirting is probably pretty intense.
Mallory
Okay, good to know.
Brady
Do you want me to flirt with you?
Mallory
Maybe a little. ;-)
Brady
You're mean.
Mallory
Me? I'm totally sweet.
Brady
In a parallel universe maybe.
Mallory
You're the one who's mean.
Brady
Not one bit. So, movies on Tuesday?
Mallory
Movies on Tuesday.
Brady
Looking forward to it. I'll pick you up at seven. Send me your address.
Mallory
I'm looking forward to it too. Though I'm afraid neither of us understands what casual getting to know each other means.
Brady
Busted. :D
Mallory
Weirdo.
Brady
Busted. :D
Mallory
I like that.
Brady
Perfect.
Mallory sends me her address and says goodnight, but I can't sleep for a long time because this conversation somehow leaves me breathless. Does that make me a drama queen, or are real men also allowed to be happy when the girl they like likes them back?
I don't care. I'm just happy that she seems to like me, even though I haven't exactly done a great job so far. However, I intend to prove to her that I really am one of the good guys.
* * *
The next morning, I call Mindy and ask if I can come over in the afternoon to meet Kira. When she says yes, I'm excited all day, like I'm taking a girl to the school dance. More excited, actually. I was totally cool in school. Not. Actually, I was more of a scrawny nerd. No, not a nerd. I wasn't an overachiever, more like a loser. Only after high school did I start working out and fill out my height nicely.
Early in the evening, I arrive at my apartment and ring the bell. I gave Mindy my keys because I found it kind of weird that I could theoretically enter her current home anytime.
"Hey," she says with a smile as she opens the door.
"Hey. How are you? Everything good?"
She nods. "All good with us. Thanks."
I enter, let my gaze sweep through the apartment, and see Kira sitting on the couch with a book in her hand.
"Kira, look who's here," Mindy says in a much too high voice.
She looks up. "Hello, Mr. Brady."
"Brady is totally fine," I answer, before hesitantly approaching her and then sitting down as well. "What are you reading there?"
She holds up the cover for me. "We're learning about nature in school right now, so I'm reading this during the break."
"Oh, I didn't know it was break time. Do you like the subject?"
Kira shrugs. "It's not really a break, just for me. The subject is okay, but super easy."
I grin. "Super easy? You seem pretty smart."
Another shrug. "Hmm, maybe." She turns a bit toward me. "Are you my dad?"
In this moment, I understand the phrase facial features derailing , because I see exactly that happening with Mindy and feel it in my own face.
"How... How did you come up with that?" Mindy stammers, recovering faster than me.
"I'm not stupid. You two were fighting, and Dad screamed that I'm not his daughter, and then you drove me here. And he looks like me. Just as a man. And I looked at the pictures in the bedroom. The two little girls look like me too."
Only now do I realize that she's right. Aoife and Róisín really do look like her, though the two sisters don't look that similar to each other. But Kira is the link between them. She has dark hair like Aoife, but Róisín's face.
"I didn't know you heard that," says Mindy, sitting down next to her daughter. I notice that while she creates physical proximity, she doesn't touch her.
"I heard everything."
"I'm sorry about that, especially that you heard such hurtful things from your dad."
"It's okay."
But I can see it's not okay. She's swallowing back tears. Looking at her now, I realize she hasn't looked happy in the last few days either. No wonder, after hearing that the man she considered her father said that. And we all know that paternal feelings aren't just about biology.
"I didn't want you to find out like this."
"You did a test with me the day before yesterday. A test to see if he's my father?"
Mindy nods. "Yes."
"Is he?"
Mindy smiles. "It's pretty obvious, isn't it?"
She looks at me. She really looks at me, so intensely that I want to look away because it's too much, but I hold her gaze because my daughter deserves that.
"When were you going to tell me?"
"When the test results come back," Mindy answers.
"And until then?"
She says it in such a strange tone. I can't even describe it. Longing mixed with hopelessness? As if she's afraid to hope, but would like to. And what does it say about her life so far, about her relationship with her supposed father, if she's ready to place her hopes on a stranger?
Don't overthink it.
But her voice and her sweet face make me say: "I have no doubt that I'm your father."
I'm well aware, especially because Orla has always preached this, that you shouldn't promise children anything you can't keep. So I know that at this moment I'm announcing that I'm taking responsibility for her, even if the test were negative. This is probably totally naive again, but if that's the case, then so be it.
I simply can't help myself.
And the ray of sunshine that spreads across her face proves me right. Well, this is for life.
Mindy looks at me as if she doesn't quite know what to make of me, but to be honest, I don't know myself right now. Either I just made the biggest mistake of my life... No. Kira's face shows it was exactly right.
"Really?" she whispers. "Without a test result?"
"Really."
If there was ever a situation in my life where it was appropriate to speak with absolute conviction, it's this one.
She beams. There's no other way to describe it. And at the same time, she looks like she might cry.
It breaks my heart.
Never in my life have I been looked at like this.
Maybe it's wrong, maybe I'm crossing her boundaries, but I take her in my arms. At first she freezes, and I'm about to let go, fear rushing through me that perhaps I wanted too much too quickly. But then I feel her thin arms around my neck. Thank God. I didn't know it was possible to feel such incredible relief, but here it is.
This moment is one of the best of my life, and I have to admit I'm on the verge of bawling. And I'm really not the type who cries. But now... The emotions are boiling like never before.
When I feel wetness on my neck, I ask quietly: "Are you crying? Should I let go?"
She shakes her head. "Not yet, okay?"
"Okay. I'll hug you for as long as you want. Just tell me when you've had enough."
She climbs onto my lap without letting go of me. It probably looks hilarious. The big, strong man and the small, delicate girl. But I wouldn't want it any other way.
I wasn't aware that you could fall in love so quickly, but apparently it's possible when it's your own daughter.