Chapter 10
10
brADY
E very now and then I glance at my phone, hoping that Mallory will reach out, but she's keeping me in suspense. I have a bad feeling about this.
When the kids and I get back home, I feel relieved. I hadn't realized that Aoife had such a difficult personality. But she probably doesn't see me as the cool Uncle Brady anymore, just some jerk who wants to forbid her everything. I guess I'll have to live with that.
Orla definitely looks almost refreshed, which confirms it was right to give her this afternoon off.
"Did you have a good time with Brady?" she asks as she greets her two girls with kisses.
Róisín nods, while Aoife says: "He wasn't nice." Then she demonstratively walks up the stairs without giving me a second glance.
Róisín looks at me sympathetically. This girl really breaks my heart.
"What happened?" Orla asks me as we sit down on the couch.
I rub my head. "For the first time in a long time, someone seems to have said no to Aoife."
"Ah, I see. I should have told you about the unspoken rule that we just let her have her way because otherwise there's too much drama." She looks at me remorsefully.
"You know, that wouldn't be so bad if it didn't affect Róisín."
"What do you mean?" she asks.
"She always has to step back, and she does it without complaint because she's such a good girl. But it's not fair that she's constantly made to feel that her needs and wishes aren't as important as her sister's." She's quiet for a while. So quiet that I feel compelled to say: "I shouldn't interfere."
"No, I... I'm just thinking about whether that's true."
"Aoife always gets her way, even when her sister wants something different."
"Phew, I know." She wipes away a tear. "I hadn't really noticed it that way. Or well, I saw it differently. I always felt like I favored Róisín because I almost lost her, which made me feel guilty and apparently let Aoife get away with everything, even at her sister's expense."
"Well, from an outside perspective, I can tell you that Róisín doesn't give the impression that she's ever been favored. She seems more like she's resigned herself to the fact that she'll never play first fiddle."
Tears are now streaming down Orla's cheeks. "I didn't want that. She should never feel that way. Why doesn't she say anything?"
"She's probably just too well-behaved, loves her sister and..." I'm not sure if I should express the thought, but then I do anyway, because I feel Róisín really needs someone to advocate for her, "...and because she doesn't know any different. She's always had to step back because Aoife has such a big personality."
Orla looks at me horrified. "Do you think so?"
"I think so, yes." I shrug. "Look, I'm certainly no expert and it's definitely not my place to say anything, but to me it looks like she's simply accepted her fate ."
My cousin leans forward, hiding her face in her hands. "Oh God."
I put a hand on her back. "I'm sorry, but it was so obvious today. I thought you should know."
"Yes, of course I need to know. I'm just so incredibly sorry that I didn't see it, that I let this happen."
"Maybe I just perceived it as more dramatic than it is."
I grab the box of tissues and hand her one.
She blows her nose before looking at me. "No, thinking about it, it's true. It's only worked out for so long because Róisín is such a sweet child. Any other kid would have rebelled long ago."
"That's exactly why the adults in her life need to make sure her boundaries aren't constantly crossed, or that she learns to set boundaries herself. That she also has the right to have boundaries that must be respected."
"Fuck. I feel like the worst mother in the world right now."
She covers her face with her hands again.
"You’re not. It's understandable that with all this stress, you'd take the easiest path."
"Wow, that really doesn't make it any better."
I rub my face remorsefully. I'm really not good at this sort of thing. "I'm sorry. That's not what I meant."
"I'm not mad at you, Brady. It's just that what you're saying is true. I'm so overwhelmed right now that I'm doing what's easiest for me, not what's best for them. I'm a terrible mom."
"You're not. They love you. So you can't be doing much wrong."
She laughs bitterly. "They love me because I let Aoife have her way and Róisín simply loves everyone."
"She is a very special girl."
She takes my hand. "Thank you for telling me."
I nod. "What do you want to do now?"
Orla shrugs. "I'd love to ask an adult about that."
Grinning, I answer: "Hello? You're the adult among all of us."
"Not right now. But calling Mom won't help either. She's so enchanted by Aoife, she wouldn't recognize what's wrong."
"It's strange, isn't it? Often it's the loud ones we're drawn to, while the quiet ones get overlooked."
"I shouldn't overlook her. I'm her mom."
"Mothers aren't perfect either."
"We know that ourselves, but we still want to appear that way." She sinks back against the backrest with a groan. "How am I supposed to manage this too?"
"You should talk to them. Individually. Especially with Róisín."
"Is it weird that I'm afraid of this conversation?"
"No. Kids can be really scary."
Slowly she stands up, wiping away her tears. "I'll go to Róisín. I'll send Aoife down to you, maybe you could set the table. Oh, and could you turn on the oven? 180 degrees. We're having lasagna."
"Got it."
I watch her as she goes upstairs. Definitely not an easy situation. And somehow I'm glad I don't have to have these conversations.
When Aoife stomps down, I grin. There's no need to worry about this girl. She'll always demand everything she's entitled to, and a little more.
"Well, little monster," I say as she plants herself in front of me, hands on her hips.
"You're the monster!"
I jump up, contort my face, growl terrifyingly and move toward her. She grins at me excitedly before running away and shouting: "You'll never catch me!"
And it's really damn hard to catch her, but when I finally do, I tickle her thoroughly and pretend to eat her up.
After that, everything's good between us again. So apparently you just need to growl at children and everything's fine. But somehow I suspect that only works for crazy kids like Aoife. She definitely belongs in this family.
MALLORY
As I lie in bed that evening, I stare at my phone. At Brady's number.
Should I text him? Sure, he didn't choose me, he chose his ex, but can I really say with 100% certainty that I wouldn't have been curious if one of my exes had wanted to meet me? Wouldn't I have gone too? And if I were still interested in him, wouldn't I have cleared my weekend schedule too, not knowing what might happen?
But if Brady is still interested in her, then it doesn't make sense to meet him anyway. At least that's what the reasonable voice in me says.
He said afterward that it was a mistake. So maybe he's not into her anymore. Can I blame him for being curious when she was just a fantasy because he'd been thinking about her for the past few years?
Damn, I wish I wasn't the type to chew everything over until it's just a disgusting mush that nobody wants anymore. Not even me. You can overthink things, or think them to death.
Whatever. I'm not perfect. He isn't either. And somehow you have to give people a second chance, right? Maybe not a third, fourth, or eighty-seventh chance, but everyone deserves a second.
Funny how you always find arguments to support what you want to do, even when you know perfectly well you'd present the counter-arguments if it were about a friend.
I tap the icon to start a new chat with Brady.
Mallory
Hey.
Okay. I'm really brilliant. I'll probably win the Pulitzer Prize for this. Maybe even the Nobel Prize for Literature. Let someone else try to match that. With a single word I outshine greats like Margaret Atwood or Haruki Murakami. I'm a literary genius. I knew it all along.
Brady
Hey. Who's this?
Oh God, it's getting even more embarrassing. Of course he doesn't have my number. Maybe some people just shouldn't be allowed to have conversations. An adult should take my phone away.
Mallory
Sorry, I probably should have said that, but I couldn't have guessed you wouldn't guess it.
Did I honestly write that? It just keeps getting better. Oh no, and I didn't even answer his question! I'm really useless at this.
Brady
:D Ah, Mallory.
Mallory
How did you guess?
Brady
Not because I've been hoping you'd text me this whole time.
I grin at this message. Okay, I may be crazy, but so is he.
Mallory
I certainly wouldn't have expected that.
Brady
It wasn't like that. I only checked my phone about three thousand times.
Mallory
So few? That actually hurts my feelings a little.
Brady
In one hour.
Mallory
That's better. Hey, about why I'm texting... So, you're really not interested in your ex anymore?
Brady
No, I'm not.
Mallory
So you won't be seeing her again?
After that, the three dots appear for a long time, disappear, reappear, disappear. It doesn't seem to be easy to find an answer to that one. Which, in a way, is already an answer.
Brady
Can I call you?
Oh dear, phone calls... Only grown-ups do that...
Mallory
Okay.
It doesn't take long before my phone rings, which startles me, even though I should have expected it. But talking on the phone somehow feels much more serious than texting.
"Hello?"
"Hey, it's nice to hear your voice."
And it's so fantastic to hear his. I'd almost forgotten how it sends shivers down my spine.
"So you don't have an answer to my question?"
"Getting right to the point, huh? It's complicated."
"Actually, it's not. Either you want to see her again or you don't."
My heart is beating anxiously because I'm still hoping he has a reasonable answer for everything, even though I know that's unlikely.
"It's actually not that simple. Please don't hang up, I'll explain it to you."
"I'm all ears."
He sighs softly into the receiver. "I wish I had met you earlier, or alternatively later, but when we met, I didn't know my life would get this complicated."
"So you are still in love with her," I state soberly.
"No," he snorts, "absolutely not. If it were just about her, I'd never see her again."
"Who else is it about then?" I ask, confused.
"She has a daughter. Kira. And she just revealed to me that she's my daughter too."
Wow. I blink. I really didn't expect that.
"Are you still there?" he asks after a while.
"Yes, but I... I don't know."
"That's how I feel too. Her husband apparently left her when he found out Kira wasn't his. Now she doesn't know what to do."
"Well, he'll still have to pay child support."
"Not if he's not the father. At least not for Kira. I don't know. I'm probably being too naive about this, but if there's a chance she's my daughter, then I need to take responsibility and I want to. But that inevitably means I'll see Mindy too. Right now, probably quite often, because she's living at my place."
Wow. Asshole.
"Well, they're staying in my apartment and I'm living at my cousin Orla's," he adds.
Alright, maybe not a complete asshole.
"We're doing a paternity test, of course, but I still can't just throw them out on the street. You understand?"
"Hmm. Well, yes."
He sounds relieved when he says, "So you understand that things are complicated right now?"
"Sort of, yeah."
"If it was just about Mindy, I'd promise you I'd never see her again. But it's also about Kira."
"Do you think she's your child?"
"She looks so much like me that it's pretty much proof enough."
"Have you met her yet?"
"Yes, but I didn't exactly cover myself in glory."
"Why not?"
"I didn't know how to talk to her and ended up fleeing."
I laugh. "Oh, so a big, strong guy running away from a little girl?"
"Yeah, laugh all you want. Kids are totally terrifying, especially your own, as I now know."
"Does she know?"
"No. We want to wait for the official results."
"That makes sense, though she's probably not stupid. She likely sees the resemblance too."
"She seems very smart. Okay, maybe all parents think that," he jokes.
"They very likely do." For a moment I wonder if I should ask the next question, but then I do. "Are you happy about her?"
He's quiet for a moment, as if gathering his thoughts. "I never wanted children, but yes, somehow I'm happy about her."
"And you want to really be her father?"
"Of course! I'm not going to shirk my responsibility."
"I think that's good."
"Yeah?"
"Yes. My father wasn't present for most of my childhood. Not because he didn't want to be, but circumstances were what they were. As a result, I don't have a relationship with him even today."
"I'm sorry about that."
"I don't know any different. But that's why I think it's really good when a father is present."
"That's what I want too. I mean, she's eight. Of course she has a say in this, right? You can't force her if she doesn't want to, but I'll keep offering and won't give up."
"That's good."
"Hey, do you happen to feel like going for a drink?"
"I'm at my Gran's in Sacramento."
"Oh, okay. Are you having a nice time?"
"Yes, my brother is also here right now and we haven't seen each other in a really long time. He works in Chile."
"In South America?"
"Yes, that's exactly where," I say with a grin. "So it's really nice right now."
"I'm glad to hear that. Are you coming back tomorrow?"
"Yes."
"We could meet up then."
"Brady, don't take this the wrong way."
"Okay."
"But you're in a transition phase right now and need to focus on your new role as a father. And that's the most important role you'll ever have. You need time for that. If we start dating now, you won't be able to do justice to either me or her."
"I can handle it."
"I tend to be clingy. Not terribly so, but I do like spending a lot of time with a man I like."
"That works for me."
"But you don't have the time."
He sighs. "Okay, that's true."
"Your priority—and I'm telling you this as a daughter who still misses her father—has to be Kira right now."
"I don't like your logic either."
I laugh a little sadly. "I know. Logic really sucks."
"So this means nothing's going to happen between us?"
I take a deep breath. "At least not right now."
"I don't want to lose you. That sounds completely idiotic because we barely know each other, but it's true."
I think for a long moment. "Well, we could get to know each other as friends and then see where things go once your life has settled into a routine."
"That's a bit of a cliché," he jokes.
"Let's stay friends?" I laugh. "I don't even know if I can do that because I really like you."
"I like you too. And I would do almost anything."
"So should we try to get to know each other as friends?"
"I'd like that very much."
"Okay. Then you can think about when you have time next week, and we'll see if we can do something."
"I'll text you."
"I'm looking forward to it."
"Sleep well, mo stóirín ."
"What does that mean?"
" Sleep well in Irish."
"Okay, you too," I say with a smile.
After we hang up, I think about the conversation for a long time. He has a child. I don't find that bad at all, but it just complicates everything right now. He can't get to know two women at the same time.
And then the question arises: Can I just get to know him as a friend? Or will that kill me?
brADY
A chance. She's giving me a chance. Sure, just as friends for now, which isn't bad either. After all, friendship is a good foundation for a relationship. Though it's going to be really hard for me not to kiss her. Not to touch her. Not to sleep with her.
Basically, she's right. Kira will take up a lot of time, but when you really want something, you find solutions. When you don't want something, you find excuses. So I'll find a solution to juggle both girls.
There's a soft knock at the door.
"Yes?"
It's actually much too late for the three girls of this house to still be awake.
Róisín opens the door and sticks her head into my room. "I can't sleep."
I smile before making room for her in bed. "Should I read you something?"
She quickly scurries over to me, already holding a book. Smart girl. She snuggles under the covers, looking at me expectantly. I brush a strand of hair from her face.
"But you have to close your eyes."
She does.
And then I read seven million chapters because this girl has me wrapped around her little finger as if it were the easiest task in the world. I just realized I won't stand a chance with my own daughter either. Damn.