Chapter 15
15
brADY
K ira and I spend Friday decorating my bedroom, which will now be her room, so she can feel comfortable there. We did a good amount of shopping the day before, which was mainly my doing, because shopping for your child is definitely better than shopping for yourself. There's just so much cool stuff out there.
Kira had to rein me in, otherwise I would've cleaned out the shop.
But she did allow me a little indulgence.
Mom is right. We need to move, but until we find a new apartment, she should still feel at home. I'll sleep on the couch in the meantime. It'll work for a while.
"Hey Kira, what kind of sports do you like?" I ask her while I'm securing a bookshelf.
"I like soccer."
"Have you played on a team before?"
"Yes, at my old school."
"Okay, cool. Would you like to do that again?"
"Sure."
"You sound hesitant."
"Hmm. I also played in a club."
"We can look into what options are available here. What else besides sports? Did you do anything else? Do you play an instrument? Or something?"
"No, but I did karate."
"Oh, wow. Do you want to continue that?"
"Yes, please."
I test the shelf. "Cool. I'll look into it and then you can join a dojo."
"Is that okay?" she asks hesitantly.
"Of course. Why do you ask?"
"Just making sure I'm not asking for too much."
I sit down on the purple-covered bed and pat the space next to me. "Hey, I'm your dad. It's my responsibility to provide you with everything you need for life. Will there be things I can't afford? Definitely. If that happens, I'll tell you. But otherwise, I want you to be happy, to be able to do things that make you happy. And if that's soccer and karate, we'll find opportunities for you."
"Okay." She smiles slightly before leaning her head against my shoulder. Then she quickly pulls away. "I'm sorry."
"For what?" I ask, confused.
"I... I know I'm not supposed to touch adults that much."
I sit there thunderstruck, trying to process her words even though I don't understand them.
"What do you mean?" I finally ask, because I truly can't make sense of it.
"Dad, I mean my other..."
"Feel free to keep calling him Dad," I help her out of the dilemma.
"Well, he doesn't like being touched at all. Not much by Mom either." I need a moment to process this information. "So I guess that's why we all didn't touch each other much."
"Okay, I understand, but that rule doesn't apply here. If you want to hug me or hold my hand or whatever, you can do that. Anytime. But if you don't want me to hug you or stroke your head or anything else, I won't do it. I respect all your boundaries."
She looks at me as her mind works through this. "Okay."
"Okay. Just tell me if you don't want something or if you do want something, and that's completely fine with me."
"You won't be hurt?"
I grin. "No, mo leanbh . I won't be. Promise. Everyone must respect your boundaries and shouldn't touch you just because they want to. Not even your parents."
"What does that mean?"
" Mo leanbh ?"
"Yes."
"My baby."
"What language is that?"
"Irish."
"Are you from there?"
"My ancestors are. But I was born in America."
She thinks about it. "Am I from there too?"
Smiling, I answer: "Your ancestors are from Ireland."
"Okay."
I look around her room. "I guess we're done, right?"
She nods.
"What would you like to do now?"
"Um... Aoife asked yesterday if I wanted to watch the series with her."
"Oh, okay, then I'll call and ask when would be good for them, okay?"
Is it a good sign that she wants to spend time with others because it means she's opening up to them, or is it a bad sign that she doesn't want to be alone with me? Phew, just don't analyze everything. That definitely won't help.
Instead of questioning it further, I call Orla and arrange for us to come over in the afternoon when Aoife and Róisín are back from school. Which is actually good, after all, I want Kira to feel comfortable here, to feel comfortable with my family and me. That includes friends, and if she already has some, that's perfect.
* * *
"How's it going?" Orla asks me as we sit on the porch watching the kids play. Róisín sits a little apart with a book, but Aoife and Kira are playing some kind of tag. I can't figure out the rules, but Kira is laughing, so I love the game.
"Phew, that's hard to say. Of course, she's sad from time to time, which is understandable, but I think she's at least getting used to me."
"Just give her time. This is a traumatic experience. Within a week, she lost the man she thought was her father and her mother. It makes perfect sense that she's withdrawn."
"I agree, of course." I rub my head. "She's such an amazing kid. Or do I just think that because she's my daughter?"
She laughs. "No, I think so too. And with enough time, she'll definitely be able to reach her full potential again. Children can be remarkably resilient."
"So she doesn't necessarily have to be scarred for life?"
"No, not necessarily, but it might be a good idea for her to see a child psychologist. Like Leah or someone else if you prefer. It would be good for her to have another trusted person besides you that she can go to with her grief."
"Leah might be too close."
"Then at least she can recommend someone."
"Don't you think it will work itself out?"
"Sure, but it doesn't hurt to talk to someone."
"Then I'll call Leah."
Just then, Kira stumbles and I jump up. But before I can even run off the porch, I see her laughing face. My heart skips a beat, only to continue beating more happily.
"It's all good, Papa Bear," Orla jokes with sparkling eyes.
I slowly sit back down. "I just don't want to see any more tears."
"That's actually something you have to learn."
"What?"
"How to endure your child's tears. It's not easy to bear, but it's part of it. They won't always feel good."
"How do you not go crazy with worry?"
She laughs. "If you find a solution, I'd be very interested. I don't know one. When you love someone, you worry about them. And the love for a child is a very special kind. You're always afraid that something might happen."
"Whew, so I need to develop thick skin?"
"You can try, but you probably won't succeed. You learn not to have a heart attack every time they stumble, but the worry never goes away. Ask your mom if she still worries about you and Finn."
I roll my eyes. "I thought that was just for mothers."
Laughing, Orla pats me on the arm. "No, it applies to good parents."
* * *
When Kira is in bed, I call Leah to ask for a recommendation.
"Don't take this the wrong way. But I think it's better if it's someone from outside," I say carefully.
"I completely agree with you. It should be a neutral person who is there solely for Kira and her needs, and isn't inhibited by family ties or anything similar." There's rustling in the background. "I had already asked a colleague, just as a precaution, and she could see you on Monday at four o'clock."
"Wow, thanks, Leah."
"Of course! Have you thought about how all the timing will work out?"
"I'm still trying to figure it all out. She has school until 2:20, but I can't really stop working by then."
"I don't have any appointments on Thursdays, so I'd be happy to pick her up from school and do something with her or drive her to after-school activities or whatever else."
"Really? That would be amazing! Then I only need to organize four other days."
That would already be a real help.
"Why don't you ask Finn?"
"I'm sure he won't be up for it."
Leah laughs. "He's your brother. Plus, he doesn't start work until eight, so he'd be the ideal babysitter. And your mom would probably love to help too. Also ask Orla if she could take Kira for one day."
"I can't rely on all of you instead of finding my own solutions."
"But this is your own solution. You have a family and therefore a support system. And when sports and whatever else gets added to the mix, things will change again."
I slowly run my hand over my head. "So in other words, I need to learn to accept help?"
"Exactly, Big Boy." She laughs. "Hey, I know that out of all of us, you're the one who does his own thing the most. You meet up with the rest of us less often, don't always come to Lake Tahoe with us, live the farthest away... So I understand that it's hard for you to tighten those bonds now, but they don't say it takes a village to raise a child for nothing. We're all here for you and want to be put to use. My mom already asked yours if she gets grandma time too. Your mom said absolutely not, she already has two granddaughters, Kira is hers and she's not sharing." She laughs. "They all want to help. Let them."
"Hmm. I'll think about it."
"Do that. But come to the conclusion that you'll let us be part of it. And don't think you're being a burden to anyone. You're not. Not one bit."
"Okay. Thank you."
"No need to thank me. That's what I'm here for."
After I hang up, I check on Kira one more time. She's sound asleep, which doesn't surprise me since she's been running around for hours. Kids really have energy.
MALLORY
Neil arrives at my place Friday evening.
"Weren't you supposed to come earlier?" I ask as a greeting, before adding a "Hello, by the way."
He laughs. "It didn't quite work out. But now I'm here to spend the whole weekend with you."
"Cool. And then what?"
We sit down on my couch.
"And then I fly back to Chile on Monday."
"So soon? I feel like I've hardly had any time with you."
"You should come visit me there."
"Yeah, right. In Chile."
He laughs before poking me in the side, which makes me squeal because I'm so ticklish. "It's not that far-fetched. It's a beautiful country and so diverse. You can be in the snowy mountains and on a sunny beach on the same day."
"I'm sure it's beautiful, but that wouldn't be a weekend trip, and I can't take that much time off."
"Surely even your slave-driver boss will grant you vacation time."
"I had to negotiate hard for that because normally JRD doesn't give vacation during the first year, and after that only ten days. But I managed to negotiate a whole week of vacation in the first year."
"Wow, crazy! I would have assumed things are different in America than in Chile."
"How is it there?"
"After one year, you're entitled to fifteen vacation days."
"See? It's not that unusual to have no vacation in the first year."
"Obviously not. Then you'll have to come next year when you can take two weeks off. Anyway, let's talk about something else. What's going on in your life?"
"No, no, no, what's going on in your life? Is there a woman? Or a man?"
Grinning, he answers: "Not really, though there is someone I like."
I look at him eagerly. "Tell me more and don't make me drag everything out of you!" I realize I haven't offered anything to drink yet. "Oh, should I open a bottle of wine?"
"I'd love that."
I quickly go to the kitchen, grab a bottle of red wine and two glasses before heading back to the living room. "Okay, now you can tell me."
He takes the bottle from my hand, opens it, and pours us each a glass. "Well, his name is Gustavo and he works at the bar we always go to. I don't even know if he's into men, but I feel like he's flirting with me and I'm flirting with him, but so far neither of us has taken the next step."
"What's holding you back?"
"The fact that I'm a foreigner in Chile and don't want to put him in a bad situation. Sure, LGBT rights have been constitutionally protected since 2012, but legal reality and actual reality are two different things."
"But you've had partners before."
"Yes, but they were also foreigners."
"I see. Well, you could meet up and just ask him."
"And what if he's not into men or not into me?"
"Well, what do you usually do when someone's not into you? You move on and find someone new."
Neil takes a sip. "Yeah, I do. But..."
"You're already a bit smitten?"
"Unfortunately, yes."
I squeeze his hand. "It's not unfortunate. I don't believe that for a second."
"I probably just need to act like the adult I am."
"I would suggest that, though I'm not entirely sure you actually are an adult."
He grabs a pillow and throws it at my head. "Stupid cow."
"Watch the wine!" I call out before throwing the pillow back at him.
"You watch it yourself." Neil laughs before saying, "I miss you."
My heart overflows. "I miss you too. Sometimes I wonder how I'm supposed to handle this adult thing without my best friend."
"From what I can tell, you're actually doing pretty well."
I shrug. "I don't know. Sometimes I wonder if I've set the right priorities."
"You're not so old that you couldn't change anything if you wanted to."
"I know. I do want this. I mean, I want this job and I want this career, but..."
"You miss having a partner?"
I nod. "Yes, kind of."
"Is there no one?"
"Hmm, I don't know. Brady maybe. When we see each other, it's wonderful, but we rarely do and somehow he doesn't feel the need to stay in touch between our meetings."
"So he doesn't text or call?"
"Exactly."
"Hmm."
"Not a good sign, right?"
"Well, generally I'd say not a good sign, but people are different. Maybe he's really not the type for texting."
"That could be, but then wouldn't we see each other more often?"
"How often do you see each other?"
"Well, we saw each other pretty frequently last week when we first met. And then on Tuesday this week. Yesterday he wrote that he'd like to see me but probably wouldn't have time before next Tuesday."
"Okay. So just to make sure I understand correctly. You've known this guy for a week?"
"Yes."
He shakes his head in amusement. "And since then you've seen each other more than once?"
"Yes."
"And you're worried because?"
"Because he doesn't contact me on his own, he only responds."
"But do you know what's going on with him?"
"Well, um..." I hesitate a bit. "Last Friday he found out that he's had a daughter for eight years already, and he found out when the woman and child basically showed up at his door. They're now living in his apartment and he's staying with his cousin."
Neil is silent for a moment before asking incredulously, "Are you kidding me?"
"No?"
Neil laughs, a bit mockingly, for which I pinch his arm. "The man probably doesn't know which way is up right now! That's such a massive change for him that it's amazing he's making any time for you at all. You should actually be a little understanding with him."
"Yes, but..."
"No, no buts. Put yourself in his position. Don't you think a child is a pretty good excuse for not having time?"
"Yes, but the woman is there too."
"Sure, but I imagine he wants to spend as much time as possible with the girl right now. It is a girl, right?"
"Yes. I can understand it too, of course. I told him she should be his priority right now and that he doesn't have time for yet another new woman in his life. But he said he could manage it all. And now it turns out he can't after all."
"Mallory, I love you, but you sound like a psycho right now. You've known each other for a week, and he's in a really intense personal situation."
"I'm not a psycho!"
"Then don't act like one. I understand that you want to spend as much time as possible with him. Absolutely. That's how it is when you like someone. But being this crazy after just one week is pretty strange, if you ask me. It's perfectly fine to only meet once a week at the beginning."
"Hmm."
"You want more."
"I don't know. Yes. It feels like he's not really interested."
"But he simply doesn't have time."
"Come on, if you want something, you make time. People who want something find solutions. People who don't want something find excuses."
"I agree with you, but there are extenuating circumstances that don't fit that pattern. You saw each other on Tuesday, so three days ago. Yesterday he texted you. I think that's totally normal."
"I don't."
Grinning, Neil throws the pillow at me again. "You need to give him space, or you'll lose him before you even had him."
"I don't have him."
"Exactly. He obviously likes you enough to make time for you despite this crazy situation he's in. See that as the positive signal it is."
"Hmm."
"You clingy thing."
"I'm not. Well, yeah, kind of."
"Just chillax a bit. Enjoy the moments you can share, and otherwise just live your life. What did you do before you met him?"
"Worked way too much."
Neil laughs. "Okay, I don't want to advise you to work too much, but if it helps, then do that."
"I think it sucks that you're not telling me I'm right."
"I bet."
He winks at me and I hate it.